Balance

Such an interesting word… balance. It’s so loaded and can be attached to so many things in our lives. Everyone sees this word in their own light and vision. We as individuals run with our own definition of that word. I know I do. And I’m pretty sure that I am not the only one on this planet of what…. 6 billion plus people that does that. If I am, then I am that special unique unicorn that flies around pixie dust! 🙂

OK, all gimmicks aside, I’d like to state the official definition of the word balance according to that search engine that rhymes with ting… (If you’re Caribbean like me I just made you smile… if you’re not, that’s okay too because you should still smile. Ting is thing to us folks out in the tropical world. We like to be unique unicorns and drop letters in words… it leaves for that awesome originality you know what I mean? Like a performer dropping their mic for that anti-climatic effect. It’s totally tubular that way.) Back to that search engine I used to get the definition of balance:

Balance:

  1. opposition of equal forces: a state in which two opposing forces or factors are of equal strength or importance so that they effectively cancel each other out and stability is maintained
  2. harmony: a state in which various parts form a satisfying and harmonious whole and nothing is out of proportion or unduly emphasized at the expense of the rest
  3. steady state on narrow base: a state in which a body or object remains reasonably steady in a particular position while resting on a base that is narrow or small relative to its other dimensions.

So my first thought after reading not one, but THREE different explanations of one word was… um okay. (Is it that necessary….three!?) Then my second thought was how can one word have three meanings. So let’s talk about this shall we? The first one is talking about ‘opposition of equal forces’ that pretty much cancel one another out so that stability happens… um so then doesn’t that mean neither exist if they cancel out one another? I’m just saying…. that’s what I’m thinking maybe I’m alone in this. Perhaps I am the only one that took that first definition and ran with it in my brain to formulate my own unique unicorn breakdown. 🙂

It’s time for number two and three… two starts with the word harmony and the combination of number one. The word harmony makes me smile and think of pretty and fluffy thoughts. Stark contrast to the ‘canceling out’ first one right? The last explanation pretty much talks about balancing yourself on a smaller object. Like a tight-rope climber or a juggler.

Now that the technical and formal definitions have been displayed, I can express the humanistic translation using everyday life. Sometimes, the dictionary is so overrated right? Frankly, a juggler sounds like the best definition for balancing life’s acts. And even sometimes one walks a narrow path. Since I’m a woman and I only know how to be a woman; I will use being one as an example. Not just a woman but a woman that balances other juggling roles. A working married mother. A working married mother is an employee, a wife, a mother and a woman. I didn’t even add the other roles like aunt and friend. That’s a lot of juggling. To be honest, my hat goes off to any female that does this on a consistent daily basis. I respect all women on this planet that juggles all these responsibilities. It’s completely inspiring. And then there’s single parents that have to play both mommy and daddy on top of having these other roles… just the fact that I know there are people out there that balance these responsibilities without a partner is so aspiring. My hat goes out to the women and men that do this. The idea of being ALL these responsibilities and (I’m just the woman, aunt and friend one…) adding more makes me feel so overwhelmed. I’m still trying to be comfortable (or master) being a woman, aunt and friend. I just cannot fathom balancing more than that right now, the notion alone makes me feel like a bobble head. I’m someone who doesn’t like sucking at something. I have a competitive nature and I strive to be the best I can be. Some would call me a person that reaches for that perfection shelf. I’d like to disagree with this theory. Not sure who wins that ongoing debate…

Society is infamous for labeling and miscuing the trajectory of how we see and accept things. Just being has it’s own challenges living in this society. Now we’re adding the layer of just being and being a woman living in today’s society that’s a male dominated world. Sadly, it’s already been statistically proven that for every dollar a woman makes 70 cents, which is less than what a man makes per dollar. I refused to memorize their number. And it’s absolute buffoonery that makes my blood boil. I won’t even delve into this because it’s not my focal point as tempting as it is. Finance is just one aspect of being a woman. An independent strong woman that’s financially stable and single (by choice!) is unfortunately labeled too. There are quite a few men in today’s society that believe in the old fashion ideology of having their ‘woman’ barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. The evolution of the working world has drastically changed from these very popular times. There are still women out there who are stay at home moms that hold down the fort, which to me is harder than having a career. Again, my hat goes off to them. They are balancing woman, friend, mom, wife, organizer, and hostess. I once again admire women in powerful positions that have to be extremely tough in their professional life and balance their vulnerability in their home life. I’m such an enormous fan and I aspire to be able to execute these one day. The thought both excites and scares.

It’s not easy being a woman. The balancing act of being tough and vulnerable is the biggest struggle we all face. I know first hand how hard it is. Trust, love… taking that leap? Risk getting hurt? So scary. Women are naturally inclined to let their emotions guide them and dictate their decisions. It takes practice to not be this way but we were born to be emotional. At times it’s amazing that as a woman I can proudly be vulnerable and balance the act of being tough when I need to be. Other times I’m like, why can’t I be wired more like a man who thinks practical and logically based. Then I catch myself and realize that this is the divine order and everything is done for a reason. The balancing act of juggling all the roles we have in this world is amazing. As time goes by and as I get better at understanding things, I come to realize that everything works itself out. Everything, especially balancing our responsibilities. This path called life.

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Love

Why do we as people do the things we do? A repetitive pattern that deep down may not necessarily be good for us, yet the cycle is repeated. It just doesn’t make sense nor is it healthy or logical but logic goes out the window when it comes to the matters of the heart. It’s the same old sad song that is sung with the tissues that dry our tears. Yet, we still go back for more. How does that make any sense? Well, I’ll tell you it doesn’t. That’s the truth and the reality is: It absolutely makes no sense!!! What exactly is love anyway? Sometimes I wonder if that’s an emotion that can even be logically defined. That’s that word again… logic. Can logic and love even co-exist? Or are they complete opposites like oil and water? Well, to get the answer to that question one must ‘know’ the answer to what love is, right? Those that believe in Christ, like myself can go to the bible for that answer: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Now these words are beautiful do all of us actually experience this? Perhaps…If not, where do we go for that answer? We take it back to the basics. Turning to God. He’s the greatest love there is.

Now, I’m someone that struggles to stay on the purified path of Jesus. It’s so hard for me when I’m around a certain someone. It’s easier to just cut that person out of my life so I don’t have to feel or think so vividly and run away with my imagination and expectations of what ‘us’ is and what ‘us’ can be. Yes, cutting this person out of my life is so much easier so that I don’t have to deal with what my perspective is verses what the reality is. If I cut this person out of my life then these emotions would ‘feel’ afar. But then I’ll be stuck with my memories that I try very hard to bury but they seem to scratch their way to the surface like the fighters they are and just consume me. They take over and force me to feel, which sometimes I find completely rude. How dare I feel right? What’s the sense of feeling when I’ve come to a recent realization that what I want and what is are not the same thing. This person is not in the same mental space of building a future of going to that next level. How dare they not be ready? I’m amazing! That was what my thought process was for a very long time. Then I realized I needed to take a very long look in the mirror and realize that I wasn’t quite ready for this vision I was pushing for either…. there’s much for me to learn. Love. I needed to start with the origin of love….

Which brings me back to the amazing being we call God. He truly saves me everyday. Without him I could not exist and I’d probably lose my mind. He keeps me grounded. And the more I yearn to draw near him the more at peace I feel. It feels that my faith is becoming higher in God, which is what I truly believe he wants me to do.

BUT THEN I have wavering emotions…. in different categories LOVE, where my life is headed, will I ever be one of those married with children type of women? Why do I feel like I accomplished nothing? I’m 30 and I fight the urge (daily) to call myself a loser. Why do I even have these thoughts? Didn’t I say I was amazing earlier? Can I really stand on my own two feet? Am I enough? …. How can I ferociously love GOD and believe with such conviction in him yet have all these uncertainties attached like second skin to me? Are these roller coaster of emotions a normal part of being a human being?  IT ABSOLUTELY MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. It confuses me. It makes me shut down. Pull away and shut people out. Is that healthy? Probably not. At least I try my very best not to do the other unhealthy thing which is lash out. Perhaps I might still do that when I’m not actively paying attention. (I think I got better, then again I’m me… those around me might disagree… shrugs) But I try (and all I can do is try right?) not to be that person anymore. I still have to work on that when it comes to my mother. I still see my perspective of her and feel the disappointment as her daughter, as a women of where her life ended up because she’s so much more in my eyes. She’s so smart and beautiful yet (TO ME) she chooses to act childish. She chose to not tap into her potential and not see what she’s capable of. I can’t grasp or find a way to accept that. A very good friend of mine told me that perhaps it’s challenging for me to communicate with my mother because I see myself in her and I too make recurring blunders in my life. My friend is probably onto something. I just don’t know what else to do besides pray and read my bible and go to these youth services on Friday’s that feel like they truly take me to a spiritual haven that I’m not just addicted to. I feel like it’s making me a better person slowly and I feel so blessed and fortunate to have that. It’s teaching me how to be better with loving God, which teaches me how to better love myself. I’m so grateful to my friend for introducing me to these services.

My mother isn’t the only person I have this ‘my perspective’ tunnel vision with, I do it with that guy I tried so hard to cut out my life but then somehow it never worked. It doesn’t feel right at all. But other things don’t feel right either and it just leaves me confused and mad because I just don’t get certain things. Am I even supposed to get them? IS that chemistry all we share? He struggles with this Christian faith and then so do I. So should we not be around each other like that Hancock movie then? Are we better apart than together? Sometimes I wonder that… it’s like being intimate with him makes me feel like I’m disappointing God and worse I’m a bad influence that keeps him away from God. I pride myself in believing I’m learning how to be the best recruiter for God. That same great friend of mine made me realize that I’m not supposed to worry about that. What my path and focal point is just getting closer to God and focusing on loving me. God will use me when he’s ready to use me.

So what does that say about me and this guy? The area we’re not strong in together or even growing together is spiritually. That would make me feel hopeful that we have an actual shot, otherwise we’re committing these intimate acts that sure feel great but I can go without them. When I love (that love word again, which I’m convinced has no exact meaning! It’s impossible for it to have one!) someone I just want to please them do what they want. Which honestly takes me back to my initial question? What is love exactly? What I am practicing and feeling is that love? Sometimes I tell myself no… What about the love that God wants me to feel or more importantly what he has in stored for me?? What do I do to get to that place where I’m ready to accept what God has in stored for me? I have all these questions and the most important one for me at this point in my life is what do I have to do to get and stay in that place where I’m ready to receive and accept what God has in stored for me. Sometimes it scares me because that means I’m on this solo mission path…. no to that guy and those confusing feelings and where we’re going, does he even care like I do? Is he playing games? blah blah….. I mean that’s how it has to be right? This path called life.