Why do we as people do the things we do? A repetitive pattern that deep down may not necessarily be good for us, yet the cycle is repeated. It just doesn’t make sense nor is it healthy or logical but logic goes out the window when it comes to the matters of the heart. It’s the same old sad song that is sung with the tissues that dry our tears. Yet, we still go back for more. How does that make any sense? Well, I’ll tell you it doesn’t. That’s the truth and the reality is: It absolutely makes no sense!!! What exactly is love anyway? Sometimes I wonder if that’s an emotion that can even be logically defined. That’s that word again… logic. Can logic and love even co-exist? Or are they complete opposites like oil and water? Well, to get the answer to that question one must ‘know’ the answer to what love is, right? Those that believe in Christ, like myself can go to the bible for that answer: Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy. Love does not boast. Now these words are beautiful do all of us actually experience this? Perhaps…If not, where do we go for that answer? We take it back to the basics. Turning to God. He’s the greatest love there is.
Now, I’m someone that struggles to stay on the purified path of Jesus. It’s so hard for me when I’m around a certain someone. It’s easier to just cut that person out of my life so I don’t have to feel or think so vividly and run away with my imagination and expectations of what ‘us’ is and what ‘us’ can be. Yes, cutting this person out of my life is so much easier so that I don’t have to deal with what my perspective is verses what the reality is. If I cut this person out of my life then these emotions would ‘feel’ afar. But then I’ll be stuck with my memories that I try very hard to bury but they seem to scratch their way to the surface like the fighters they are and just consume me. They take over and force me to feel, which sometimes I find completely rude. How dare I feel right? What’s the sense of feeling when I’ve come to a recent realization that what I want and what is are not the same thing. This person is not in the same mental space of building a future of going to that next level. How dare they not be ready? I’m amazing! That was what my thought process was for a very long time. Then I realized I needed to take a very long look in the mirror and realize that I wasn’t quite ready for this vision I was pushing for either…. there’s much for me to learn. Love. I needed to start with the origin of love….
Which brings me back to the amazing being we call God. He truly saves me everyday. Without him I could not exist and I’d probably lose my mind. He keeps me grounded. And the more I yearn to draw near him the more at peace I feel. It feels that my faith is becoming higher in God, which is what I truly believe he wants me to do.
BUT THEN I have wavering emotions…. in different categories LOVE, where my life is headed, will I ever be one of those married with children type of women? Why do I feel like I accomplished nothing? I’m 30 and I fight the urge (daily) to call myself a loser. Why do I even have these thoughts? Didn’t I say I was amazing earlier? Can I really stand on my own two feet? Am I enough? …. How can I ferociously love GOD and believe with such conviction in him yet have all these uncertainties attached like second skin to me? Are these roller coaster of emotions a normal part of being a human being? IT ABSOLUTELY MAKES NO SENSE TO ME. It confuses me. It makes me shut down. Pull away and shut people out. Is that healthy? Probably not. At least I try my very best not to do the other unhealthy thing which is lash out. Perhaps I might still do that when I’m not actively paying attention. (I think I got better, then again I’m me… those around me might disagree… shrugs) But I try (and all I can do is try right?) not to be that person anymore. I still have to work on that when it comes to my mother. I still see my perspective of her and feel the disappointment as her daughter, as a women of where her life ended up because she’s so much more in my eyes. She’s so smart and beautiful yet (TO ME) she chooses to act childish. She chose to not tap into her potential and not see what she’s capable of. I can’t grasp or find a way to accept that. A very good friend of mine told me that perhaps it’s challenging for me to communicate with my mother because I see myself in her and I too make recurring blunders in my life. My friend is probably onto something. I just don’t know what else to do besides pray and read my bible and go to these youth services on Friday’s that feel like they truly take me to a spiritual haven that I’m not just addicted to. I feel like it’s making me a better person slowly and I feel so blessed and fortunate to have that. It’s teaching me how to be better with loving God, which teaches me how to better love myself. I’m so grateful to my friend for introducing me to these services.
My mother isn’t the only person I have this ‘my perspective’ tunnel vision with, I do it with that guy I tried so hard to cut out my life but then somehow it never worked. It doesn’t feel right at all. But other things don’t feel right either and it just leaves me confused and mad because I just don’t get certain things. Am I even supposed to get them? IS that chemistry all we share? He struggles with this Christian faith and then so do I. So should we not be around each other like that Hancock movie then? Are we better apart than together? Sometimes I wonder that… it’s like being intimate with him makes me feel like I’m disappointing God and worse I’m a bad influence that keeps him away from God. I pride myself in believing I’m learning how to be the best recruiter for God. That same great friend of mine made me realize that I’m not supposed to worry about that. What my path and focal point is just getting closer to God and focusing on loving me. God will use me when he’s ready to use me.
So what does that say about me and this guy? The area we’re not strong in together or even growing together is spiritually. That would make me feel hopeful that we have an actual shot, otherwise we’re committing these intimate acts that sure feel great but I can go without them. When I love (that love word again, which I’m convinced has no exact meaning! It’s impossible for it to have one!) someone I just want to please them do what they want. Which honestly takes me back to my initial question? What is love exactly? What I am practicing and feeling is that love? Sometimes I tell myself no… What about the love that God wants me to feel or more importantly what he has in stored for me?? What do I do to get to that place where I’m ready to accept what God has in stored for me? I have all these questions and the most important one for me at this point in my life is what do I have to do to get and stay in that place where I’m ready to receive and accept what God has in stored for me. Sometimes it scares me because that means I’m on this solo mission path…. no to that guy and those confusing feelings and where we’re going, does he even care like I do? Is he playing games? blah blah….. I mean that’s how it has to be right? This path called life.