Realization

Is there an exact moment where one comes to that realization they are finally ready to embrace moving forward without taking that quick glance back? What about when one does what is necessary to make sure the forward path does not have those old habits that feeds stagnancy but starves growth? I’d like to believe those moment exists. 2013 was an interesting year and I experienced a whirlwind of emotions: good, bad and down right ugly. These emotions evoked my ability to project an alternate reality where it felt like I was on my own personalized roller-coaster going from zero to three sixty complete with unique curves and swirls that can also be found on our fingerprints. Our fingerprints are designed to tell us who we are and everyone has their own unique story of swirls and curves just like everyone has their own stories of struggles. I’m here and I survived by the grace of God because he has a bigger plan for me. I’m a stronger and a better person for living through 2013. I’ve realized that I needed to make changes at the final hour of 2013 so that 2014 can start off on the amazing brand new note that God wants for me.

I came to the realization that some individuals that were apart of my inner circle had to be removed because they were toxic. God was showing me signs and I kept ignoring them, as I said previously ignoring signs that are in your face from the great almighty leads to unnecessary pain. It took me a long time to come to the realization that a former friend needed to be removed from my life permanently. It took that person hurting me multiple times before I finally comprehended what God was trying to tell me. I believe my inability to catch these signs quicker stems from my perspective of friendship or platonic relationships and the fact it is not the same thing as how another individual views that realm. I’m the type of woman that puts 200% in every aspect of my life, perhaps showing that side of me too quickly leaves me at a great disadvantage. What I finally understand is that not everyone deserves to see or experience that side of me at all. And not everyone deserves to hear my story. I suppose that’s what happens when two separate entities of individuality steps on the same soil attempting to formulate a friendship. A crucial dynamic to friendship is figuring out what is your definition and what your expectation out of the dynamic. Everything needs ground rules, it minimizes disappointments and signals being crossed. However, sometimes individuals can use not expecting much as a cop out to not getting hurt or to not feel. I have completely walked this cowardly path of having minimal to no expectations because I did not want to get hurt. Feeling pain is not fun and if I can avoid it then I do. I never hid from the fact I am not perfect and I’m a working progress just like the rest of my fellow homo-sapiens floating around on this circular sphere called Earth. I just now have the courage to express myself: flaws and all. That took time.

Like anything with the desire to obtain value and long lasting substance it works like a clock with the hands ticking allowing the hours to go by and a calender that marks off the days that turn into months that turn into years, which creates a gap of time. Many believe that friendship is the foundation that develops long lasting love like those strong deep rooted beginnings keeping a beautiful bamboo tree standing and intact. Ideally, this bamboo like tree leads to that other realm of a non-platonic relationship. This area that can potentially become messy has two entities involved. If there’s more, I’m not God, I won’t judge. Everyone deserves happiness. However, in my world, there will only be one because I won’t share my man in the future, whenever I meet the God fearing man I’ll spend the rest of my life with, until then, I’m waiting. Now, these entities are wired to see, react and respond to their surroundings the way they see fit. And the initial allure of these parties attempts to form a union. Sure, there can be similarities but ultimately it is the differences that generates that spark, which feeds that attraction. This all boils down to commonality of finding companionship; that one person that just gets you and you are completely compatible with, your better half. I’ve posted a pretty intense dedication on love and how I see it a month ago, which you can find, it’s called LOVE. I came to the realization I am still figuring out what real love is supposed to feel and look like, which is why I am back to my bamboo like basics, my Agape love. There are some really blessed individuals that find their other half. And others search their whole life to feel that everlasting love. No one wants to end up going through this path called life with no one by their side. I know I do not. The realization of yearning for that companionship sometimes fuels an aggressive search of filling this place to the point of an internal fear of being alone just brewing and growing only to paralyze and blind us.

Fear is an acronym that stands for false evidence appearing real. This fear creates a shift from the vantage point of who’s worthy right to the undeserving of who’s here now. I am probably not alone when I express the fact that I went through a few unmatched candidates that were never ever worthy of breathing the same circle of oxygen far less occupying my time and definitely didn’t deserve to feel my love. They didn’t appreciate me or understand how I’m wired. How I love. How I tick. How I laugh. All of that went over their heads, or they just took advantage of my kindness. The real truth is I realized I allowed all those experiences to occur to me because I didn’t know my worth. I am no longer ashamed to admit that. I know for a fact I would not have gone on this ride with the latest unmatched candidate if I knew my worth. Reading something from this unmatched candidate solidified I made the right decision of closing that chapter of my life. Sadly, to some having anyone by your side is better than not having anyone at all. This notion is disheartening because I used to be that someone that believed this too.

On this day, January 21, 2014, my birthday, I can proudly say taking time to get to know and love yourself, is so worth this path. This decision is the best birthday present I can give to myself. As a woman (or even a man) you will not make excuses like s/he’s just not affectionate, s/he needs time to accept us, s/he needs time to open his/her heart to me, s/he is just indifferent or any other s/he scenario one can think of; the biggest realization was seeing that these were unnecessary excuses made and an entry to feel pain when you’re worth so much more. I’m not a love expert and I won’t pretend to be but I finally realized that no one will love you more than God does, and no one will love you more than you love yourself. It’s why I stopped making excuses. Not everyone is blessed to have loving and supporting parents and my heart just aches at that fact. I cannot personally identify with that because I have amazingly loving parents that I cannot fathom not having in my life. I know we all have to eventually go to the promise land. I’m just hoping my parents stay on this planet is much longer. I’ve been blessed to live another year of life through the grace of God. I’ll keep saying that because I’m grateful and I’m oh so thankful. My eyes and heart have been opened so much thanks to him and these services I’ve been attending. It is not worth having an individual share your space that is not worthy of your love, especially if they do not appreciate it. I see too many circumstances like this and I lived this circumstance. Now, I am on the other side, working on loving and strengthening myself. Because that’s my beginning of my bamboo tree. If one does not know love or waivers in the concept of love, or just wants to understand love more, the best bamboo like basics I recommend is the Bible, God, Agape. The best teachings ever.

Last Friday, I went to my services and it was part 1 of a 2 part series called Brand New. It’s very fitting considering it’s a brand new year. I feel like great things are around the corner. I’m loving this path I’m on. This feeling of being in the center of God. It makes me feel unstoppable, hopeful and I’m confident I would never be steered wrong. It lifted my ceiling of faith. It lifted my ceiling of prayer. I’m a sinner, that was forgiven, and I strive to be better and do better in this world, to constantly practice faithfulness, which I know is not easy. Look it isn’t always unicorns with pixie dust with flying lilies for me. I have my down moments, I’m human. Things are still tough. That will never change: obstacles, struggles, the tough times. Thankfully my down moments are fleeting and I have learned how to see my situation with a different perspective. My down moments dwindle even more these days because my faith is stronger and it continues to strengthen. That completely excites me. I also understand that everyone has their own spiritual beliefs or none at all, and everyone is entitled to their feelings and views. I love Jesus and I’m so proud to love Jesus. I’m proud to shout my love for him to the world at the top of my lungs so that others who are willing to jump on that bandwagon do so with both arms wide open grinning like a goof ball with me. It’s addicting loving God and being surrounded by like minded Christians. There’s nothing but light and love surrounding me and who wouldn’t want to experience such beauty? I cannot think of a single being who would not. The pastor was talking about it being your choice and decision how you will spend 2014. Something happened to me at that service, something amazing. There was a realization that I made the right decision to stay on this beautiful path by any means necessary, which included removing individuals from my life. I am learning love from the best source possible. I would not change anything because I wouldn’t be at this place right now. So I take the beautiful with the not so beautiful because that’s how life works. It’s a balancing act. Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it and whoever said that was a genius. Besides, I know I’ll never be steered wrong. If God is for you, then who can be against you? 🙂 This path called life.

Placement

There’s a saying sometimes it’s better that things are left unsaid. I always thought those weren’t the wisest words to live by. Especially if you see a situation that’s as clear as water standing right in front of you; and it needs massive attention but you can’t do anything about it all because of placement and the roles we play in life. Those are the emotions that are coursing through my being right now. It’s not my place that’s the reality. I chant it like a mantra. And I witnessed first hand what it looks like when someone doesn’t stay in their lane. It could get messy. I don’t like messy. Quite frankly, my desire to express what I see is my perception, views and opinion. Everyone entitled those. With that said, the area where I want to express myself is a territory that I have no immediate experience with. So my mouth is silenced like muted television. Words are being formulated with one’s mouth but there’s no sound piercing through. If God blesses me with this experience later in my life, which I truly want, then perhaps my views and emotions might take a different direction. The bottom line is I won’t know until I see that bridge, identify with it, and then have the courage to walk over it to experience this milestone of having my own family. As an outsider looking in, I will say it’s beautiful and also looks like it is not a moonlight stroll. It is a balancing act.

 

Candidly, I’m not the type of person that can just not say anything… especially when situations trigger a reaction out of me. Really dumb decisions trigger very passionate reactions out of me. I’m not sure if I was given some form of gift to be perceptive to things at times I wish I just did not see but the observations are there nonetheless. So I learned the ability to fain innocence. Sure I’m naïve at times, instances completely go over my head and leave me perplexed, which can come off very comedic. And other times it’s my conditioned ability to literally blind myself from what is happening in the present because I just cannot deal. Yes, on some level I’m aware of what’s occurring but I don’t acknowledge it. I’ve rationalized this habit in my head as the best course of action in the situations I experience in that moment. In some instances I’m aware of this custom, other times I’m not. I believe that’s what happens when you practice a habit… it becomes automatic like inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide. I’m not sure if my ability is a hindrance or not. Time will tell. It boils to the bubbling fact of placement and the roles we play in life. I’m getting that more and more.

Sometimes expressing how one feels is not the best option to fulfill. I personally experienced this in the past and in the present when some of my loved ones asked how I feel they don’t really mean tell them the truth. They really mean pull a degree in fluff with a concentration of buffoonery from my behind to use that as the source to telling them what they want to hear. Now if I can’t be a straight shooter then I become a mime without the hand skill or white face paint. I was brought up with the motto that honesty is the best policy. Over the weekend I had a conversation that made me view a loved one in a new light and now I know that individual will be handled with a different pair of gloves. The reality is people change or situations change people. Take your pick. I’m very comfortable with putting distance between myself and others. Especially when me and an individual stopped seeing eye to eye or the mystical facade is now gone. It’s probably not a good thing; specifically when some around me have an opinion that the wells of my friendships tend to dry up too much for their liking. I’ve always had issues with having friends, real friends, backstabbers, jealousy, you name it I’ve experienced it. I’m not perfect or a walk in the park but I’m a child of God that wants his forgiveness and his guidance to be better and do better. Now, I have been blessed to come across some beautiful souls I like to call kindred spirits. We may not talk everyday but they’re my loves for life. I’m grateful the opinion of others does not phase me as much as it used to in the past. Those opinions felt like shackles on my feet that seem to get heavier over time. Thankfully, through the grace of God, the opposite affect is happening and I owe it all to him. I’m trying to work on my cynical perception when it comes to friendship, perhaps that can be delved into another day and I have so much faith that my agape path will lead me in the right direction in every aspect of my life. Deep down, I don’t believe that’s the way God intended things to be for myself or anyone else that struggles with the comfort of putting distance between yourself and others. However, there are some people that are just absolutely toxic to your life and the signs are there, ignoring them leads to consequences, like heartache, and anything else you can think of. Trust me. It’s not worth it. It may be hard to walk away but it’s worth it. I’m learning being by myself doesn’t make me lonely it makes me smart because I learn about myself even more and that’s starting to feel amazing.

Back to placement and the roles we play in life… I have a sister much older than I am who I love and respect beyond expression. I admire the woman she is and the woman she’ll raise her daughters to be. She’s an amazing role model and I’m honored that she’s in my life and it’s an added bonus that she’s my sister. We’ve had bumps over the years, I suppose a wider age gap can trigger that. A few months ago I watched an episode of Oprah’s life class (I love that woman!! She’s a freakin’ genius!!!) and T.D. Jakes was on there talking about family. There were two sisters on the show and they weren’t speaking for six years. I can’t imagine not speaking to my sister for six years. Back then we spoke once and a while. This episode made me remember that bump experience we had a few years back and when T.D. Jakes said it’s your sister, she’s worth it. It opened the flood gates for me and made me realize that she is my sister and it’s worth it no matter what. God has worked it out so that I’m seeing her a lot more now. We’re not bffs but it’s a start. I’m grateful for that. She’s my only sister, T.D. Jakes is right she is worth it and so much more. She’s so beautiful inside and out. She has one of the biggest hearts I can see, besides our mother. I got her back and would do anything for her. I’m not sure if she knows that, I hope she does. And I believe we’re on a good track. I wouldn’t want to do anything to back peddle this churning process no matter what. Because a relationship with her is worth everything. This path called life.

Changes

I finally did it…. submitted my application to the New York Teaching Fellowship (NYTF) program. I’m grateful to my sister and my friend for helping me proof my essays. Yes, I walked one step closer to a path of something new. I am relieved that I finally completed this submission and everything is up to the NYTF staff now. Now all I do is wait for something that will possibly be a big change for me, God willing if I get in this program. I’ve been going back and forth with this decision of applying since the summer of last year. I always talked myself out of doing it until I started applying back in September 13′. But I stopped again, made up an excuse that at the moment slips my mind. Frankly, it’s a change. Changes are not something that I digest very well. What if I don’t get in? The more I think about this the more the idea sits well with me and there’s a peace within me. That’s why after I started my tutoring job, it finally felt right to apply again. Those closest to me always told me that I communicate well with the younger generation of tomorrow and I have the patience level to be an amazing educator.

Honestly, I shrugged off becoming a teacher because I was always concerned with the fiscal dynamic of being one. It’s no secret educators are not the highest paid employees that walk around this circular sphere called Earth. Yet everyone remembers their favorite teacher of all time. It’s a monumental turning point that helps shape our lives and we hold onto that impact forever. I can admit that becoming an educator is very fitting to the woman that I am. I’m very passionate about seeing growth in others. And I’m even more passionate about helping those in need. It is beautiful. I feel as if I’m filling a purpose and practicing the way God wanted things to be. So what was my back and forth hesitancy in terms of this process? Honestly, this just petrifies me. It is an enigma to fathom what is more daunting… the blank canvas slowly being painted with those oil based colored strokes called my life or the feeling of sticking to one aspect. Here are some things about the woman I am: someone with a very short attention span that gets this impatient restlessness that just takes over; someone with the constant need of mental stimulation otherwise my surroundings are tuned out like a Zen master meditating. I am an instant gratification woman that just wants to know what’s going to happen as rapidly as five minutes ago. Being prepared runs through my blood right along side the oxygen needed to bump my heart and feed my brain. But I am the same woman that likes to avoid: arguments, decisions (at times, doing direct sales for two years taught me a lot about myself) and most of all my emotions especially when they’re painful. Like everyone else, I have coping mechanisms. My biggest mechanism is expressing myself verbally. It is actually much easier for me to display how I feel in writing then vocally, which can be seen as bewilderment for someone who projects in a high octave and has an unforgettable personality. I also love playing games. I supposed this can be seen as a mechanism. I am still on the fence about claiming that as one. However, I will definitely admit that reading is one of my favorite past times and I admit a mechanism. I love reading e-books and I love supporting aspiring/up and coming writers even more. Everyone has to start somewhere. This world is designed to be a community where we help and support one another. Unfortunately, it’s not always the case, it’s disheartening, and not something I want to delve into right now. Back to happy thoughts… there’s nothing like an amazing romance e-book that gets me to smile so hard my face gets stuck from being in the same position after absorbing the fictional happiness.

With all that said, why am I scared of this possible NYTF change? It is not like I have not experience change before. When I was doing direct sales I experienced so many changes I lost count. I was introduced to a world I didn’t know existed and learned how to do sales, be aggressive and take rejection to the face. That in itself was a big change for an individual like myself because I don’t take rejection well. Then again is there anyone out there that can? Sure, people say they do but let’s face it: they’re poker face is just better! I learned that I’m a lot tougher than I give myself credit for and that I can actually do sales and be persuasive, something I always shied away from because I thought it wasn’t very nice. But that’s the world of sales and business: persuasion and aggressiveness. It’s very cut throat and not friendly or supportive… so much lying it makes me cringe… then again… isn’t the world like that in some sense? Survival of the fittest… but if that’s the case then how do we evolve and continue to go on as a man kind? There has to be a point where altruism takes over or we’ll become extinct eventually. When I left that job last February that was a change that I took rather largely. Even though being there stopped working for me a while ago, because I realized I didn’t want to be that person and it wasn’t who I was at the core of my being. I still got used to a system and just went through the motions. It was a hard decision. Direct sales is a world where the highs are so high you feel like you can touch the beautiful stars that shine in the midnight sky and the lows are so low they’re microscopic to the naked eye; and this happens on a constant basis. That rapid change of emotions was something that I actually grew accustomed to. I honestly believed the hype and thought that direction for my life was end game. My family and friends thought I was touched in the head for doing that job as long as I did. And as time went on hearing my loved ones tell me how wrong that place was. It fueled my desire to prove them wrong.

God had other plans for me though. Then I spent months looking for a job in the recruiter field; because I thought that was the best area to transition to after doing direct sales and I got to so many third rounds with great big companies but no offers. My initial thought process was I am not interviewing correctly, but I’d role play and was told I’m an excellent interviewer. That experience I viewed as rejection… and I started to get concerned with not having an income so that fear slowly grew. It didn’t help my ‘so called’ significant other at the time was not the support system I needed. If I’m real with myself, he never was. We were never right for each other. If you love someone, you’re supposed to build them up and support them, give them what they need. And it’s supposed to be reciprocated. I know I give that away but I never got it back… there’s a blunder that needs permanent correction because it’s a pattern I keep repeating and only God can show me how to fix this. That’s why I’m on this path of Agape and determined to stay here. I clearly forgot what I was born to know. Again, God had other plans for me. Then one day I was talking to my cousin, who just up and left us folks called her family for the Midwest, just kidding, I’m happy for her she’s doing great things!! It’s well deserved, it’s her time to shine!!! God is definitely smiling down on her. And it’s so well deserved. Anyway, she told me to apply to the online tutor positions I do now. Low and behold, I did, got the position and I really love these kids and I love helping them. I feel a happiness and peace I did not feel when I was doing direct sales or going on those interviews for the recruiting position or any other position I held in the past quite frankly. It makes me believe that God blesses this decision and direction and wants this path for me. I’m not rolling in the $$$ but it’s a start. I have a position that I love because I’m doing something that I love that I didn’t think I would love so much.

Now, I like reading horoscopes and I know God is the only one in control, however, these horoscopes are just so spot on sometimes! Numerous sites keep telling me this is a year of big changes (career-wise) for me. I am both excited and scared because I do not know what exactly will happen and I keep pushing the button that triggers my impatience because I want answers now. I am starting to fall in love with this direction of education. I fought wanting it because of the fear of not actually obtaining it. But the reality is I am not supposed to have all the answers and I am suppose to have faith, just trust God that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. And I do trust God its just that anxiousness of just wanting to get it over with like ripping off that massive band-aide so you could just know already and feel what you have to feel! The youth services that I attend, are just beyond inspirational. There are no words for the magnitude of what I receive from these services. The sermons are words that resonate through the air and travel through me like a magical running stream brought to life. The Pastor that preaches, had a sermon back in December, and the service was called Occupy Brooklyn, (BROOKLYN WE GO HARD!! Okay I’m done.) And he said something that I will paraphrase: If God allowed us to see everything that was going to happen in our life we’d be so overwhelmed and lose our minds. That made so much sense, and it eased my impatience of wanting to just know already. I pray NYTF works out and I have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I know I’m being tested and I need to practice more patience. I’m trying. This path called life.

RIP Uncle Phil!!!!

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I totally grew up on this show! Complete classic comedic sitcom. James Avery (Uncle Phil) sadly passes away yesterday. It’s so sad. We lost a great one. I can’t speak for everyone but I’m grateful for the experience of Uncle Phil and all the other work the talented James Avery bestowed on us viewers!! My prayers and condolences goes out to the Avery family.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

I just had to write a quick blurp! I’m sitting here watching the countdown and welcome 2014, I feel a bit excited!! 2013 had a few bumps for me but I can honestly say God always had my back and I’m very blessed beyond words. I’m excited to live this path and experience what 2014 has in stored for me. I’m also starting to get excited about my birthday coming up in a few weeks. I usually don’t make a big deal about my birthday but a friend of mine pointed out that it’s a blessing to be alive another year. She’s so right. And I am. I’m sure that everyone’s out there having fun. I hope everyone a safe and prosperous New Year!! Stay blessed!!! Stay save. Stay loved. xoxoxo This path called life.Image