I finally did it…. submitted my application to the New York Teaching Fellowship (NYTF) program. I’m grateful to my sister and my friend for helping me proof my essays. Yes, I walked one step closer to a path of something new. I am relieved that I finally completed this submission and everything is up to the NYTF staff now. Now all I do is wait for something that will possibly be a big change for me, God willing if I get in this program. I’ve been going back and forth with this decision of applying since the summer of last year. I always talked myself out of doing it until I started applying back in September 13′. But I stopped again, made up an excuse that at the moment slips my mind. Frankly, it’s a change. Changes are not something that I digest very well. What if I don’t get in? The more I think about this the more the idea sits well with me and there’s a peace within me. That’s why after I started my tutoring job, it finally felt right to apply again. Those closest to me always told me that I communicate well with the younger generation of tomorrow and I have the patience level to be an amazing educator.
Honestly, I shrugged off becoming a teacher because I was always concerned with the fiscal dynamic of being one. It’s no secret educators are not the highest paid employees that walk around this circular sphere called Earth. Yet everyone remembers their favorite teacher of all time. It’s a monumental turning point that helps shape our lives and we hold onto that impact forever. I can admit that becoming an educator is very fitting to the woman that I am. I’m very passionate about seeing growth in others. And I’m even more passionate about helping those in need. It is beautiful. I feel as if I’m filling a purpose and practicing the way God wanted things to be. So what was my back and forth hesitancy in terms of this process? Honestly, this just petrifies me. It is an enigma to fathom what is more daunting… the blank canvas slowly being painted with those oil based colored strokes called my life or the feeling of sticking to one aspect. Here are some things about the woman I am: someone with a very short attention span that gets this impatient restlessness that just takes over; someone with the constant need of mental stimulation otherwise my surroundings are tuned out like a Zen master meditating. I am an instant gratification woman that just wants to know what’s going to happen as rapidly as five minutes ago. Being prepared runs through my blood right along side the oxygen needed to bump my heart and feed my brain. But I am the same woman that likes to avoid: arguments, decisions (at times, doing direct sales for two years taught me a lot about myself) and most of all my emotions especially when they’re painful. Like everyone else, I have coping mechanisms. My biggest mechanism is expressing myself verbally. It is actually much easier for me to display how I feel in writing then vocally, which can be seen as bewilderment for someone who projects in a high octave and has an unforgettable personality. I also love playing games. I supposed this can be seen as a mechanism. I am still on the fence about claiming that as one. However, I will definitely admit that reading is one of my favorite past times and I admit a mechanism. I love reading e-books and I love supporting aspiring/up and coming writers even more. Everyone has to start somewhere. This world is designed to be a community where we help and support one another. Unfortunately, it’s not always the case, it’s disheartening, and not something I want to delve into right now. Back to happy thoughts… there’s nothing like an amazing romance e-book that gets me to smile so hard my face gets stuck from being in the same position after absorbing the fictional happiness.
With all that said, why am I scared of this possible NYTF change? It is not like I have not experience change before. When I was doing direct sales I experienced so many changes I lost count. I was introduced to a world I didn’t know existed and learned how to do sales, be aggressive and take rejection to the face. That in itself was a big change for an individual like myself because I don’t take rejection well. Then again is there anyone out there that can? Sure, people say they do but let’s face it: they’re poker face is just better! I learned that I’m a lot tougher than I give myself credit for and that I can actually do sales and be persuasive, something I always shied away from because I thought it wasn’t very nice. But that’s the world of sales and business: persuasion and aggressiveness. It’s very cut throat and not friendly or supportive… so much lying it makes me cringe… then again… isn’t the world like that in some sense? Survival of the fittest… but if that’s the case then how do we evolve and continue to go on as a man kind? There has to be a point where altruism takes over or we’ll become extinct eventually. When I left that job last February that was a change that I took rather largely. Even though being there stopped working for me a while ago, because I realized I didn’t want to be that person and it wasn’t who I was at the core of my being. I still got used to a system and just went through the motions. It was a hard decision. Direct sales is a world where the highs are so high you feel like you can touch the beautiful stars that shine in the midnight sky and the lows are so low they’re microscopic to the naked eye; and this happens on a constant basis. That rapid change of emotions was something that I actually grew accustomed to. I honestly believed the hype and thought that direction for my life was end game. My family and friends thought I was touched in the head for doing that job as long as I did. And as time went on hearing my loved ones tell me how wrong that place was. It fueled my desire to prove them wrong.
God had other plans for me though. Then I spent months looking for a job in the recruiter field; because I thought that was the best area to transition to after doing direct sales and I got to so many third rounds with great big companies but no offers. My initial thought process was I am not interviewing correctly, but I’d role play and was told I’m an excellent interviewer. That experience I viewed as rejection… and I started to get concerned with not having an income so that fear slowly grew. It didn’t help my ‘so called’ significant other at the time was not the support system I needed. If I’m real with myself, he never was. We were never right for each other. If you love someone, you’re supposed to build them up and support them, give them what they need. And it’s supposed to be reciprocated. I know I give that away but I never got it back… there’s a blunder that needs permanent correction because it’s a pattern I keep repeating and only God can show me how to fix this. That’s why I’m on this path of Agape and determined to stay here. I clearly forgot what I was born to know. Again, God had other plans for me. Then one day I was talking to my cousin, who just up and left us folks called her family for the Midwest, just kidding, I’m happy for her she’s doing great things!! It’s well deserved, it’s her time to shine!!! God is definitely smiling down on her. And it’s so well deserved. Anyway, she told me to apply to the online tutor positions I do now. Low and behold, I did, got the position and I really love these kids and I love helping them. I feel a happiness and peace I did not feel when I was doing direct sales or going on those interviews for the recruiting position or any other position I held in the past quite frankly. It makes me believe that God blesses this decision and direction and wants this path for me. I’m not rolling in the $$$ but it’s a start. I have a position that I love because I’m doing something that I love that I didn’t think I would love so much.
Now, I like reading horoscopes and I know God is the only one in control, however, these horoscopes are just so spot on sometimes! Numerous sites keep telling me this is a year of big changes (career-wise) for me. I am both excited and scared because I do not know what exactly will happen and I keep pushing the button that triggers my impatience because I want answers now. I am starting to fall in love with this direction of education. I fought wanting it because of the fear of not actually obtaining it. But the reality is I am not supposed to have all the answers and I am suppose to have faith, just trust God that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. And I do trust God its just that anxiousness of just wanting to get it over with like ripping off that massive band-aide so you could just know already and feel what you have to feel! The youth services that I attend, are just beyond inspirational. There are no words for the magnitude of what I receive from these services. The sermons are words that resonate through the air and travel through me like a magical running stream brought to life. The Pastor that preaches, had a sermon back in December, and the service was called Occupy Brooklyn, (BROOKLYN WE GO HARD!! Okay I’m done.) And he said something that I will paraphrase: If God allowed us to see everything that was going to happen in our life we’d be so overwhelmed and lose our minds. That made so much sense, and it eased my impatience of wanting to just know already. I pray NYTF works out and I have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to. I know I’m being tested and I need to practice more patience. I’m trying. This path called life.