There’s a saying sometimes it’s better that things are left unsaid. I always thought those weren’t the wisest words to live by. Especially if you see a situation that’s as clear as water standing right in front of you; and it needs massive attention but you can’t do anything about it all because of placement and the roles we play in life. Those are the emotions that are coursing through my being right now. It’s not my place that’s the reality. I chant it like a mantra. And I witnessed first hand what it looks like when someone doesn’t stay in their lane. It could get messy. I don’t like messy. Quite frankly, my desire to express what I see is my perception, views and opinion. Everyone entitled those. With that said, the area where I want to express myself is a territory that I have no immediate experience with. So my mouth is silenced like muted television. Words are being formulated with one’s mouth but there’s no sound piercing through. If God blesses me with this experience later in my life, which I truly want, then perhaps my views and emotions might take a different direction. The bottom line is I won’t know until I see that bridge, identify with it, and then have the courage to walk over it to experience this milestone of having my own family. As an outsider looking in, I will say it’s beautiful and also looks like it is not a moonlight stroll. It is a balancing act.
Candidly, I’m not the type of person that can just not say anything… especially when situations trigger a reaction out of me. Really dumb decisions trigger very passionate reactions out of me. I’m not sure if I was given some form of gift to be perceptive to things at times I wish I just did not see but the observations are there nonetheless. So I learned the ability to fain innocence. Sure I’m naïve at times, instances completely go over my head and leave me perplexed, which can come off very comedic. And other times it’s my conditioned ability to literally blind myself from what is happening in the present because I just cannot deal. Yes, on some level I’m aware of what’s occurring but I don’t acknowledge it. I’ve rationalized this habit in my head as the best course of action in the situations I experience in that moment. In some instances I’m aware of this custom, other times I’m not. I believe that’s what happens when you practice a habit… it becomes automatic like inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide. I’m not sure if my ability is a hindrance or not. Time will tell. It boils to the bubbling fact of placement and the roles we play in life. I’m getting that more and more.
Sometimes expressing how one feels is not the best option to fulfill. I personally experienced this in the past and in the present when some of my loved ones asked how I feel they don’t really mean tell them the truth. They really mean pull a degree in fluff with a concentration of buffoonery from my behind to use that as the source to telling them what they want to hear. Now if I can’t be a straight shooter then I become a mime without the hand skill or white face paint. I was brought up with the motto that honesty is the best policy. Over the weekend I had a conversation that made me view a loved one in a new light and now I know that individual will be handled with a different pair of gloves. The reality is people change or situations change people. Take your pick. I’m very comfortable with putting distance between myself and others. Especially when me and an individual stopped seeing eye to eye or the mystical facade is now gone. It’s probably not a good thing; specifically when some around me have an opinion that the wells of my friendships tend to dry up too much for their liking. I’ve always had issues with having friends, real friends, backstabbers, jealousy, you name it I’ve experienced it. I’m not perfect or a walk in the park but I’m a child of God that wants his forgiveness and his guidance to be better and do better. Now, I have been blessed to come across some beautiful souls I like to call kindred spirits. We may not talk everyday but they’re my loves for life. I’m grateful the opinion of others does not phase me as much as it used to in the past. Those opinions felt like shackles on my feet that seem to get heavier over time. Thankfully, through the grace of God, the opposite affect is happening and I owe it all to him. I’m trying to work on my cynical perception when it comes to friendship, perhaps that can be delved into another day and I have so much faith that my agape path will lead me in the right direction in every aspect of my life. Deep down, I don’t believe that’s the way God intended things to be for myself or anyone else that struggles with the comfort of putting distance between yourself and others. However, there are some people that are just absolutely toxic to your life and the signs are there, ignoring them leads to consequences, like heartache, and anything else you can think of. Trust me. It’s not worth it. It may be hard to walk away but it’s worth it. I’m learning being by myself doesn’t make me lonely it makes me smart because I learn about myself even more and that’s starting to feel amazing.
Back to placement and the roles we play in life… I have a sister much older than I am who I love and respect beyond expression. I admire the woman she is and the woman she’ll raise her daughters to be. She’s an amazing role model and I’m honored that she’s in my life and it’s an added bonus that she’s my sister. We’ve had bumps over the years, I suppose a wider age gap can trigger that. A few months ago I watched an episode of Oprah’s life class (I love that woman!! She’s a freakin’ genius!!!) and T.D. Jakes was on there talking about family. There were two sisters on the show and they weren’t speaking for six years. I can’t imagine not speaking to my sister for six years. Back then we spoke once and a while. This episode made me remember that bump experience we had a few years back and when T.D. Jakes said it’s your sister, she’s worth it. It opened the flood gates for me and made me realize that she is my sister and it’s worth it no matter what. God has worked it out so that I’m seeing her a lot more now. We’re not bffs but it’s a start. I’m grateful for that. She’s my only sister, T.D. Jakes is right she is worth it and so much more. She’s so beautiful inside and out. She has one of the biggest hearts I can see, besides our mother. I got her back and would do anything for her. I’m not sure if she knows that, I hope she does. And I believe we’re on a good track. I wouldn’t want to do anything to back peddle this churning process no matter what. Because a relationship with her is worth everything. This path called life.