Is there an exact moment where one comes to that realization they are finally ready to embrace moving forward without taking that quick glance back? What about when one does what is necessary to make sure the forward path does not have those old habits that feeds stagnancy but starves growth? I’d like to believe those moment exists. 2013 was an interesting year and I experienced a whirlwind of emotions: good, bad and down right ugly. These emotions evoked my ability to project an alternate reality where it felt like I was on my own personalized roller-coaster going from zero to three sixty complete with unique curves and swirls that can also be found on our fingerprints. Our fingerprints are designed to tell us who we are and everyone has their own unique story of swirls and curves just like everyone has their own stories of struggles. I’m here and I survived by the grace of God because he has a bigger plan for me. I’m a stronger and a better person for living through 2013. I’ve realized that I needed to make changes at the final hour of 2013 so that 2014 can start off on the amazing brand new note that God wants for me.
I came to the realization that some individuals that were apart of my inner circle had to be removed because they were toxic. God was showing me signs and I kept ignoring them, as I said previously ignoring signs that are in your face from the great almighty leads to unnecessary pain. It took me a long time to come to the realization that a former friend needed to be removed from my life permanently. It took that person hurting me multiple times before I finally comprehended what God was trying to tell me. I believe my inability to catch these signs quicker stems from my perspective of friendship or platonic relationships and the fact it is not the same thing as how another individual views that realm. I’m the type of woman that puts 200% in every aspect of my life, perhaps showing that side of me too quickly leaves me at a great disadvantage. What I finally understand is that not everyone deserves to see or experience that side of me at all. And not everyone deserves to hear my story. I suppose that’s what happens when two separate entities of individuality steps on the same soil attempting to formulate a friendship. A crucial dynamic to friendship is figuring out what is your definition and what your expectation out of the dynamic. Everything needs ground rules, it minimizes disappointments and signals being crossed. However, sometimes individuals can use not expecting much as a cop out to not getting hurt or to not feel. I have completely walked this cowardly path of having minimal to no expectations because I did not want to get hurt. Feeling pain is not fun and if I can avoid it then I do. I never hid from the fact I am not perfect and I’m a working progress just like the rest of my fellow homo-sapiens floating around on this circular sphere called Earth. I just now have the courage to express myself: flaws and all. That took time.
Like anything with the desire to obtain value and long lasting substance it works like a clock with the hands ticking allowing the hours to go by and a calender that marks off the days that turn into months that turn into years, which creates a gap of time. Many believe that friendship is the foundation that develops long lasting love like those strong deep rooted beginnings keeping a beautiful bamboo tree standing and intact. Ideally, this bamboo like tree leads to that other realm of a non-platonic relationship. This area that can potentially become messy has two entities involved. If there’s more, I’m not God, I won’t judge. Everyone deserves happiness. However, in my world, there will only be one because I won’t share my man in the future, whenever I meet the God fearing man I’ll spend the rest of my life with, until then, I’m waiting. Now, these entities are wired to see, react and respond to their surroundings the way they see fit. And the initial allure of these parties attempts to form a union. Sure, there can be similarities but ultimately it is the differences that generates that spark, which feeds that attraction. This all boils down to commonality of finding companionship; that one person that just gets you and you are completely compatible with, your better half. I’ve posted a pretty intense dedication on love and how I see it a month ago, which you can find, it’s called LOVE. I came to the realization I am still figuring out what real love is supposed to feel and look like, which is why I am back to my bamboo like basics, my Agape love. There are some really blessed individuals that find their other half. And others search their whole life to feel that everlasting love. No one wants to end up going through this path called life with no one by their side. I know I do not. The realization of yearning for that companionship sometimes fuels an aggressive search of filling this place to the point of an internal fear of being alone just brewing and growing only to paralyze and blind us.
Fear is an acronym that stands for false evidence appearing real. This fear creates a shift from the vantage point of who’s worthy right to the undeserving of who’s here now. I am probably not alone when I express the fact that I went through a few unmatched candidates that were never ever worthy of breathing the same circle of oxygen far less occupying my time and definitely didn’t deserve to feel my love. They didn’t appreciate me or understand how I’m wired. How I love. How I tick. How I laugh. All of that went over their heads, or they just took advantage of my kindness. The real truth is I realized I allowed all those experiences to occur to me because I didn’t know my worth. I am no longer ashamed to admit that. I know for a fact I would not have gone on this ride with the latest unmatched candidate if I knew my worth. Reading something from this unmatched candidate solidified I made the right decision of closing that chapter of my life. Sadly, to some having anyone by your side is better than not having anyone at all. This notion is disheartening because I used to be that someone that believed this too.
On this day, January 21, 2014, my birthday, I can proudly say taking time to get to know and love yourself, is so worth this path. This decision is the best birthday present I can give to myself. As a woman (or even a man) you will not make excuses like s/he’s just not affectionate, s/he needs time to accept us, s/he needs time to open his/her heart to me, s/he is just indifferent or any other s/he scenario one can think of; the biggest realization was seeing that these were unnecessary excuses made and an entry to feel pain when you’re worth so much more. I’m not a love expert and I won’t pretend to be but I finally realized that no one will love you more than God does, and no one will love you more than you love yourself. It’s why I stopped making excuses. Not everyone is blessed to have loving and supporting parents and my heart just aches at that fact. I cannot personally identify with that because I have amazingly loving parents that I cannot fathom not having in my life. I know we all have to eventually go to the promise land. I’m just hoping my parents stay on this planet is much longer. I’ve been blessed to live another year of life through the grace of God. I’ll keep saying that because I’m grateful and I’m oh so thankful. My eyes and heart have been opened so much thanks to him and these services I’ve been attending. It is not worth having an individual share your space that is not worthy of your love, especially if they do not appreciate it. I see too many circumstances like this and I lived this circumstance. Now, I am on the other side, working on loving and strengthening myself. Because that’s my beginning of my bamboo tree. If one does not know love or waivers in the concept of love, or just wants to understand love more, the best bamboo like basics I recommend is the Bible, God, Agape. The best teachings ever.
Last Friday, I went to my services and it was part 1 of a 2 part series called Brand New. It’s very fitting considering it’s a brand new year. I feel like great things are around the corner. I’m loving this path I’m on. This feeling of being in the center of God. It makes me feel unstoppable, hopeful and I’m confident I would never be steered wrong. It lifted my ceiling of faith. It lifted my ceiling of prayer. I’m a sinner, that was forgiven, and I strive to be better and do better in this world, to constantly practice faithfulness, which I know is not easy. Look it isn’t always unicorns with pixie dust with flying lilies for me. I have my down moments, I’m human. Things are still tough. That will never change: obstacles, struggles, the tough times. Thankfully my down moments are fleeting and I have learned how to see my situation with a different perspective. My down moments dwindle even more these days because my faith is stronger and it continues to strengthen. That completely excites me. I also understand that everyone has their own spiritual beliefs or none at all, and everyone is entitled to their feelings and views. I love Jesus and I’m so proud to love Jesus. I’m proud to shout my love for him to the world at the top of my lungs so that others who are willing to jump on that bandwagon do so with both arms wide open grinning like a goof ball with me. It’s addicting loving God and being surrounded by like minded Christians. There’s nothing but light and love surrounding me and who wouldn’t want to experience such beauty? I cannot think of a single being who would not. The pastor was talking about it being your choice and decision how you will spend 2014. Something happened to me at that service, something amazing. There was a realization that I made the right decision to stay on this beautiful path by any means necessary, which included removing individuals from my life. I am learning love from the best source possible. I would not change anything because I wouldn’t be at this place right now. So I take the beautiful with the not so beautiful because that’s how life works. It’s a balancing act. Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it and whoever said that was a genius. Besides, I know I’ll never be steered wrong. If God is for you, then who can be against you? 🙂 This path called life.