Insomnia

It’s been a while and insomnia seems to want to rudely consume my presence despite my protest so I figured I put fingers to keyboard inside documents and express myself. Not sure how far this will go or even if this will be a blog worth posting but this is my routine: I write first and ask questions later, actually I ask them almost never but later sounds like the more mature approach.

I had a pretty great weekend. I got some real rich culture exposure by going to the Brooklyn Museum with a dear friend and we went to see the Jean Paul Gultier exhibit. Honestly, I never heard of this dude, I was familiar with his work through Madonna’s image in the 80s. It’s Madonna, who doesn’t know her? I wouldn’t be surprised if she contributed to elevating his exposure to the maximum level. I just never made the connection until this past Saturday. I was blown away by this man’s creativity and visionary gifts. The man had mannequins talking… who thinks of such brilliancy?? Seriously, there wasn’t a person in that showcase that didn’t ooo or aaaah at least once. I got in trouble for touching them, when I knew darn well I had no business touching them…. I was completely allured. It’s not my fault. I blame that genius designer. My hands goes off to him, like I want to be his friend and cook bon bons with him. I can honestly say I didn’t like all of his designs, it was either that I didn’t understand his message or I just thought it was an epic fail to try again. That’s the beauty of fashion, it’s not only a matter of style and everything that encompasses that but it’s a matter of the beauty being an opinion. And mine is just that, an opinion that belongs to me. I will say that the best showcase he had was his sensual room. His whole exhibit truly felt like a maze with so many rooms and themes, however, the sensual room stood out. I’m still team Jesus but I’m also human that room oozed sex appeal with designs that made me feel like I was barging in on a private moment. If that was the goal of Guliter, then he executed it brilliantly. I can go on and on about how great that experience was and how grateful I am that I was dragged there but there’s no point because seeing and feeling what his work evokes from you is a much greater beauty. Unfortunately, I can’t recommend others go see this masterpiece showing because this weekend was the last weekend. I guess you can google it. Waiting on that ridiculous line, was dare I say it worth it. I have zero patience in life, which is quite sad and I can say on most days I’m actively working on it and the days I’m not I flip the bird and tell people to eat dirt, kick rocks and play in rush hour traffic barefoot.

Even though the exhibit was extraordinary it was not even the best part of the experience. My friend and I meet this really cool person while we were complaining like brats and waiting on that line. I have a very short attention span and my friend’s is worse than mine… so there’s so much to do on a line while waiting. Like we ran out of conversations to say and we started looking at the ceiling, which felt like a sky and whistling like pretty birds were up there. My impatience heightened because I was anxiously waiting to see if the hype was real about Gultier (at least that’s what my thought process was, and I’m glad I was wrong the hype was that real.) My friend on the other hand is in love with art and everything that associates with the entity. On deaf ears I’ve tried to tell her that her path is in the art world but I’m just white noise to her. However, later that evening fate took over, which I’ll discuss in a second. On the line I was people watching and my friend noticed the woman standing behind us reading the La La Anthony book that just came out. She is notorious for striking up conversations with people in such a natural way, she’s soo good at it and the best part is it’s authentic. Direct Sales did something right. That’s the only compliment I’ll give that world. I won’t lie, I was quite eager to strike up a conversation with her because I admired her style in clothing and assumed she was a designer but she had a very solid distinct piss off face plastered on her forehead and from one fellow piss offer to another, I clearly left her in her world. Not my friend, she’s like you’re going talk to me today, and she did. It was completely one of those, when you assume… scenarios, she ended up being one of the coolest people I’ve meet in a long time. Definitely great vibe between the three of us. The La La Anthony book served as a tubular buffer. I actually want to read that book because I’m a fan of La La. We talk about quite a bit, laughed and saw some interesting people on that line that caused a lot more laughter. Even looked at the exhibit as a group.

I found it so interesting it happened that way. It tied in to what occurred the day before. On Friday, the same friend and I went to our regular service and the pastor was talking about Know New Friends being the theme for next month’s services and the concept of being more open has been a recurring discussion with him. I’m definitely quick to not be open to that F word because it always landed me on the shallow end of the horrible people pool so I’m just like no thank you, I’m good. I’m just sticking to my Jesus swag. But I also have to keep in mind I never been this centered before or felt this centered when it comes to God and pursing a relationship with him. So it’s a completely different path and experience with everything that touches me going forward. This weekend just confirmed that because the experience with that awesome possible new friend was extremely organic and genuine and that’s how God works. The three of us left exhibit excited or was talking about something exciting, at the moment I don’t remember the logistics. But I do remember that we were all like uh so this can’t be goodbye, goodnight so long. At least that’s the image our faces played, so I invited her to the church service coming up in two weeks and she’s going to come, which I think is so awesome, more company for team Jesus. Who doesn’t want to celebrate that? My friend took it a step further and decided to invite her to her birthday and she was excited about that, which also falls on the same day. So the next two weeks is going to be a really good time and I cannot wait.

After we parted ways with our possible new friend, stomachs started making noises. Walking around in the exhibit worked up an appetite so we decide to go to our spot Mad Dogs which is awesomeness to the yellow brick road of foodagasmology. Yes, I just made up that word. If Tamar Braxton (who I just absolutely love, she makes me smile) can do it with shaderation so can I. We meet another great set of cool people that starred enlightening conversations featuring a really gooood time. The best part was the two sets of total strangers told my friend that she’s passionate about the art world and that she should pursue a path in that world. I was too excited to say I told you so, so of course I gloated and it felt amazing. However, gloating is wrong, even though it still felt good (#teamjesus) It truly brings me back to my theory on how amazing God is and when he speaks to you through people and signs we should just be open to listening true happiness lies with him only and everything else falls so short its misery. I have full confidence my friend will embrace her path. I finally did, even though I had reservations and if I’m real with myself I still do. But I also know that everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to. God’s will brings an undeniable peace and evokes a happiness that’s quite refreshing. I’ve said that before but I cannot say it enough. I could freak out about not hearing from the fellowship program I applied to but there’s no point in that because I know my anxiousness is my impatience festering negativity that’s trying to penetrate through the process of my path. I just need breathe, stretch, shake and let it rock. God’s way smarter than me and I’m not supposed to understand how he works or why he works the way that he does. One, it’ll be too scary and exhausting to try and break it down. I’ve tried even thinking about it and my brain farted. God’s got this and will never ever steer me wrong.

It’s interesting what insomnia evokes but it was not the cure to my resurrection tonight. It was actually acknowledging feelings I have for this dude I was trying hard to ignore or pretend he didn’t exist. I’ll admit them to myself now since my friend’s been saying it in my ears for quite some time. I translated her expression as white noise, yes the white noise direction comes in handy but nobody is supposed to white noise me. Perhaps the fact that I acknowledge them now, I’ll be able to move on and accept the scenario for what it is. I’ve had feelings for this guy for a very long time, and even tried hiding behind “my ex.” He’s in quotations because that whole situation felt off from the start and wrong and now I fully understand why. I accept I care about this guy and I also accept I have to move on because it’s productive for me and him, especially since he’s totally on a different wave length not to mention unavailable. The reality is we’re walking two different paths. Paths are supposed to be walked similarly. I’m starting to realize that I had ‘no desire’ to write because I had no desire to express this. Ignorance is so bliss. I wanted to be ignorant to these feelings and bury them and not have them rise from the ashes. That’s how a Phoenix works though, it rises from the ashes stronger than ever and not going anywhere any time soon. This is my splash of reality and my insomnia was the vessel that let me express this. This guy isn’t some random dude we are friends and that is important to me so I have to do what I must to keep it intact even if it means having distance between him and I by being IM buddies. He has to be in my life in some form. I’ll miss him too much if he wasn’t. I’d rather have the friend then nothing at all. It’s that important to me. Besides, I love Jesus way more than him and this is the path I’m supposed to be on. God’s working on me and around me and it’s amazingly exciting. There’s so much positive greatness ahead. I’m so stoked to experience what’s next. This path called life.

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