Today is the first day of spring. It’s a new season. It’s the season of rebirth. The season of budding evergreen trees flourishing, the blossoming of beautiful flowers that constantly surround me and the return of my chirping birds melodies. That symbolizes something anew. It represents something to look forward to. That notion is an exciting emotion to possess. I also can’t forget that spring brings back my oh so wonderful allergies and my sneezing sessions that I absolutely adore from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. I mean who wouldn’t love the constant runny nose right? It’s fabulous! They say all good things come to an end. Well, I’m patiently waiting for that notion to ring true to allergies because I’m so ready for that to end. I’m so elated that spring is here because it’s the beginning of many things, warm weather, the shift in my wardrobe to bright lively colors, more outings… I just cannot contain my giddiness.
As a lover of words and the fact that I recognize myself as a writer, I understand that I’m a straight shooter and what’s going on with me is easier to express in words. With that said, I’ve realized that as the rebirth season overshadows and wraps up the winter residue, I find myself seeing that some of the relationships in my life had the same affect. I used to be very close to a family member that I will always hold dear to my heart. Out of respect of everyone’s privacy, I don’t mention names for the sake of minimizing confusion I’ll call her Lucy. I love Lucy is an awesome show that just popped in my head and I’ll always love this ‘Lucy’ so it’s fitting. A few weeks ago I had a rather interesting conversation with Lucy that just completely felt random. She sent a link to apartments. It felt random because we don’t have a water stream of flowing communication. It dried out to minimal conversations here and there when it used to be that steady stream of everyday chats.
To back peddle a bit, my current housing situation isn’t the most ideal ‘little house on the prairie’ having that white picket fence and the red door. Of course I’d love that, and maybe God will bless me with that one day, today I’m in a season he has me experiencing because it’s preparing me for the next chapter. God will open the next door on his time. Honestly, I’m okay with that on most days, yes I’m extremely impatient and I’m addicted to instant gratification, however, those addictions and patterns have only proven to me that nothing happens before it’s time. When it’s not done God’s way you’re left with the ghost of unhappiness and the yearning desire of seeking that missing emotion that only God can fulfill. I truly learned that the hard way. With that said, I also recognize within myself that I possess the quality of stalling and something that I like to call ignoring the glaring signs. I know that I went off topic about Lucy because apart of me realizes it’s hard for me to accept that we’re not in the same place and we’ll never be again. Once I actually put pen to paper it’ll make the fact final and somehow that’s not something that can be easily done for me since I grew up with Lucy. We went through a lot together our relationship blossomed into a sisterhood. I love Lucy to death. And I know she loves me. But it’s time I put my big girl panties on and state the facts.
Lucy did something that I didn’t agree with at all last year; it’s the root of our shifted relationship, which was move with her significant other, that’s not her husband to another state. Lucy is now away from her immediate family. I was raised in a very strict Caribbean Roman Catholic household and so was she. With that said, that’s a big fat red-zone negative, heck to the no, what are you thinking, move to do. As I continue to draw closer to God, anything that God doesn’t bless that surrounds me just makes my bafflement flare up and completely alters my balanced aura. I go into overdrive to protect staying in this place of Godly peace. I work hard to keep my aura balanced and centered with God. Some days it’s a walk in the park and other days it’s like clawing to the top of that surface from the pit I slipped into. The fact that Lucy did this and I not only disagreed with it, but so did her parents made something switch in my brain. As I type, I realize that my perception switched to disappointment and I no longer wanted to understand her. That’s a hard pill to swallow because of our history and my love for her. Lucy went to another state with this guy because of that relationship she fights so hard to keep in tact. Lucy and I had a conversation about God a few months back (I think) and she asked me if God gave you signs regarding a 5+ year relationship (she was talking about her own) that it isn’t working would you leave? I said yes, because that’s clearly not the person I’m supposed to be with. God knows something that I can’t see right now or I’m not willing to accept because I’m not objective and I’m emotionally invested. Lucy said I was crazy and that shocked me but I quickly realized that God’s not her center and I checked out from her from that moment if I’m real with myself.
It’s very important to maintain that realism with yourself and not bury your head in pretty clouds. Lucy continues to stay in her current situation that God is glaring huge signs in her face she keeps ignoring. Checking out is something that I feel guilty about. Who am I, ‘man’ [although I’m alpha woman hear me roar, for the sake of maintaining the custom saying I’ll digress… so I’m man] on God’s created Earth feeling a disappointment towards someone I love dearly. I’m a Christian I’m supposed to encourage her having an opinion about her while walking into this God fearing path, but I also learned along the way that you can only encourage those that welcome the change and seek it. I tried to ignore this emotion and I even attempted to pretend I didn’t feel that way, on my pretty clouds swag. I didn’t know how to control the changes occurring within and the other fact I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I realized that the bond shifted and had an added layer of distance. It didn’t help matters that although Lucy received what she considered a good job with good money, all I heard when we communicated was negative phrases: I’m tired, I cook, I clean, being a housewife is hard. When I heard the last one I thought to myself but you’re not though. You’re playing house and living in sin. You chose to fail God’s test when he dangled the opportunity to go with your boyfriend to another state rather than working on bettering you through your relationship with God. If he really loved Lucy he would’ve done right by her a long time ago and married her. Now, she just made it even harder for her to get what she wants: to be his wife. I thought it, but I didn’t say and now looking back I’m not sure if my actions spoke for me. I frankly got tired of hearing her complain and sound so unhappy. Especially since it’s self inflicted. I didn’t want to talk to her anymore, which surprised me considering our relationship when she lived close by. That was the first sign of realizing we were growing in two different directions and growing apart. Perhaps she sensed that too. Tension arose.
It didn’t help matters that Lucy went into a negative box in my brain. Going forward with my epiphany, every time I heard from her, she would leave a negative taste in my mouth solidifying my desire to continue to distance myself. She chose to live her life with a significant other that’s not her husband and live in sin, fine that’s her choice. I choose to make everything in my life now God centered and has to have his blessings because I lived without God’s blessing and it was misery and bitterness, exactly how she sounds now. Anything that doesn’t have God’s blessing cannot possibly feel right if you’re a true Christian. You can never truly be happy. IF that makes me judgmental then that’s unfortunate. I would apologize but I’m not sorry for wanting to surround myself with God like minds and God centered driven individuals like how I’m evolving to be through my now God-centered choices. Once I made that switch in my cognitive circumference, I knew that I no longer wanted her in my personal space, especially if she continues to evoke negative emotions despite my love for her. God’s working on me. And everything happens for a reason. Lucy moving evolved her to not be in my personal space any longer and I accept that. Maybe it’s temporary or maybe it’s permanent. Either way, Lucy feels like a season that is coming to an end just like winter did yesterday. All I can do now is continue to love her, pray for her and wish her nothing but the best from afar.
There’s another person that’s in my life a male friend, we’ll call Matt. Matt is not as actively in my life as he was previously, however, I suspect this union is either coming to an end or something to that affect. Like I said, God is working and it excites me because God is so much smarter than I’ll ever be. I felt compelled to discuss Matt because of the IM conversation that happened last week. Matt recently had a birthday and was discussing a surprise dinner his girlfriend threw him where all his closest friends attended. He felt compelled to express to me that I should have been there, and I expressed your girlfriend doesn’t know me so how could I have been there? That comment didn’t make sense to me at first, and then I realized maybe he just misses our friendship, but I won’t assume. Going further into the conversation he was asking me what’s new in my life. I told him not much changed things are pretty much the same. Then he asked so any new guys in your life. I said the only man in my life is Jesus. Then he basically agreed with his hallelujah, which for me left the illusion he was going to have a but and he did. And I was like here we go, Matt loves giving out opinions and expressing how he feels about other people but can’t take someone telling him about himself nor can he take constructive criticism. That to me speaks volumes but I’m not God so I ‘ll keep my mouth shut on that. As I was saying, he practically said I need to be active about finding a man etc, white noise, blah blah. So I said okay, completely unaffected, which didn’t sit well with him. So I broke down where I was to him mentally and spiritually. I also told him the next man that enters my life romantically will be my husband. I’m 31 not 21 and I don’t have time to waste my life surrounding myself with unworthy or unnecessary people because it’s not God’s will.
Whether that answer sat well with him is to be questioned but I haven’t heard from him once I put the situation to rest. I honestly felt that Matt was looking for an argument, I could be wrong but the days of wasting my energy are over. He’s someone that has a girlfriend that to me he has love for, however the added bonus to loving her is she loves him with everything she is. Who doesn’t want to be loved like that? It’s everything wonderful and beautiful. And he comes from a religious background too. I believe his parents are pastors or were pastors. I can’t really remember, he’s an active member of an awesome church that I’ve attended before, he sings in the choir and all that jazz. Yet, he’s someone that practices premarital sex. I’m not judging him but that doesn’t make sense to me because I KNOW he’s someone that believes in God’s blessings and movements but how can one want God’s blessings when you’re not doing it God’s way? Maybe God has me questioning these two people I love very much and want the absolute best for because God realizes that I’m at the place HE wants me. The more important fact is I accept the place God has me right now. It’s like an in between hallway and I’m praising him here because he’s preparing me. I need to realize that these two people are not otherwise I wouldn’t get the impression their unhappy deep down or I’m just completely crazy and drawing this fictional conclusion from thin air. I highly doubt the latter because one of the gifts God gave me was clairvoyance. Sometimes I wear my foresight armor with pride and other times I’m like really!?!? WHY do I need to see this?? When I have that latter possessing my focus it leaves me wanting to pretend that I don’t. The lala land of make believe allows me to hold things in. For a suppressor such as myself, that’s dangerous. Specifically since suppression was a ticking time bomb which eventually exploded.
Explosive confirmation of this assessment occurred during the recent conversation I had with my main skillet, I’ll call her Jojo even though she said I can talk about her, if I’m protecting the identities of Lucy and Matt I might as well continue the theme of protection. Jojo and I are extremely close, and our friendship is truly blessed by God because it’s the only explanation of the place we’ve evolved to. I feel God’s blessing and presence in our friendship. Not that I’m saying my relationships with Lucy and Matt aren’t blessed, all I’m saying is that we’re not on the same page and the strength of God being center isn’t there as it is with Jojo. She’s actually the friend I usually discussed in my previous posts. Now she just has a name, Jojo. 🙂 So Jojo and I had an argument after we watched House of Lies Sunday (Marty and Jeanie are swimming in a big puddle of poo!) I think this argument was extremely needed. For some reason, Jojo thought (hopefully she doesn’t think that way anymore) that she needed to walk on egg shells and what I like to call mcfluff her emotions because she had this ridiculous fear that our friendship would cease to exist.
So not the case, anything done through God, to me won’t just go away. She also lives in a situation that is not the most ideal circumstance. The people surrounding her aren’t on the same page as her, which causes friction to her spark and drive to grow. When I care, I fiercely care and there’s this mother-hen protectiveness that’s birthed and consumes me. Sometimes I think it’s annoying but I’ve come to realize this is how God made me. Jojo and I are both growth junkies, but more importantly we’re both God-fearing women who focus on doing God’s will and continue to be better through the grace of God. With that said, Jojo’s sister and mother although love God are not growth junkies and it causes Jojo to turn into herself, becoming a shell, creating that mcfluffy side which irritates me. Especially since Jojo’s a straight shooter like me. However, Jojo loathes arguments as much as I do. The center of our argument started because I knew I said something that rubbed her the wrong way but instead of her telling me that she made up some teddy bear puffy fluff concoction that grated my nerves. To make a long story short, I blurted out things I wanted to say to her for a while when I was less irrational and more calmer. Ultimately it made her understand and see things that I’m so glad she finally sees.
Despite that blow out, we’re still solid and indestructible like dry ice. I honestly can’t say that about my relationships with Lucy and Matt. To me, my job for now is to love them from afar when and if they pop back in the way that they usually do. My life right now is completely telling to the theme that’s going on at the services I attend at BT. The theme is Know New Friends, and Pastor Todd was talking about the breakdowns of friendships. There’s some friends you have that are the people present in the beginning like a scaffold on a new skyscraper that’s so needed in the beginning but isn’t going forward. There was also the friend that Pastor Todd said doesn’t emotionally deposit into the relationship just takes. And there’s the friend that’s the down for whatever, that ride or die. Jojo is definitely a ride or die. Lucy is a ride or die that for some reason we’re just on two different paths currently and sometimes it saddens me but I don’t question God’s work. I can say I never saw Matt as a ride or die, maybe he is, but he never showed me that side. These breakdowns that Pastor Todd was talking about confirmed the belief for me that people enter your life for a reason, season or a lifetime. It’s very fitting that today marked the beginning of a new season and the end of one that’s no longer present considering everything I just released. It felt like this massive post was me witnessing a budding rose blooming to life. I can’t wait to see what’s in stored for me next, until next time. This path called life.