I went to see Noah last week with the BT family and it was awesome! Even though I didn’t read the biblical story of Noah, I’m familiar with it. I still appreciated the formality and how this story was told by the director. Pastor Todd was right about the fact that it’s just amazing that Hollywood is telling a Christian story on the big screen. There was a huge uproar regarding this movie, and a lot of backlash criticism. THE victory though there’s Christianity being told on the big screen. That’s amazing progress. In last month’s entry I switched names for the protection of privacy and going to continue that theme going forward. Let’s back peddle a bit…before the movie even started, I was waiting on Jojo on the line, of course annoyed because she has an ongoing tardiness problem and she was late. I struggled with when I was younger as well (around her age), which I further talk about in a bit. Anyway, while I was waiting, I meet this awesome person named.. let’s call her Annabelle. She’s around my age, Jojo is five years younger than me and that’s not a lot per say but it made me realize how refreshing and welcoming it was to be around someone that’s 30something like I am. I love Jojo to death but there’s not much life experiences we can commiserate on despite her being wise above her years. I’m not trying to down play her struggles and hurdles and honestly it’s amazing and beautiful that her values in herself and her faith remained consistent and strong. I admire her because when I was her age it wasn’t the same for me. Her tenacity is epic. I’m in awe of her ability and her husband will be very lucky. Sharing stories with Annabelle was not only refreshing but also left me feeling so anxious as I reflect on my own life after hearing what sounded like amazing establishments. I started feeling insecure that inner negative voice was on overdrive. I’ve just finished reading this amazing book called Crash the Chatterbox by Steven Furtick. He’s a Pastor from the Southern part of the U.S. This book literally changed my life. I will never see that negative inner voice the same way again. Pastor Furtick describes it as a chatterbox that plays on negativity, insecurities but most of all: our deepest fears. Pastor Furtick teaches you how to CRASH these voices like a gorgeous wave on a beautiful afternoon at the beach. Pound through the fears.
I have lots of fears and as I write this and reflect and allow myself to be in the moment of them I dissect the origin of some of them. Jojo being late triggered my annoyance and let that chatterbox, as Pastor Furtick calls it, go into high gear. The negative emotions were so strong that when she arrived and made a joke about her lateness it just made me want to slap her down the stairs. Jojo and I hashed this out and talked about this already so everything is fine now. In that moment though it wasn’t. I remembered it vividly. OF course everything she did during the movie aggravated me, she’s a talker during films, as am I; but when I’m annoyed I’m silent, more so these days because I really don’t want to say or do anything that’s damaging where it can’t be rectified. Her laughter, loudness, and her yin yang chatter just made me want to put a muzzle on her and throw away the key. Like I said, my chatterbox was on overdrive. Some parts of the movie made you jump so she got scared and leaned into my space and that made my pissery (yeah I kind of just created a word, not really because lots of people say this, but you get the point) go into hypertension (dramatic I know but that’s how it felt.) I felt slightly stifled….trapped. That triggered my claustrophobia. I’m very big on my personal space. I used to think it was due to my issues with small confinements but I reflected deeper. I was assaulted at 19 and I blocked out the incident. For the longest I just wanted to forget and pretend it never happened, maybe apart of me still does, who knows. But I sometimes I have an issue being touched as well and now I understand that it derives from my experience. Jojo is a very touchy feel type of person. There’s another great book called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, I read a while back but I don’t remember it, lol. I recently bought the book and I’m excited to read it again. One of Jojo’s love language is touch, and I get that but sometimes when she laughs or tells a story she’ll reach out for someone’s arm or whatever limb is closest. Most times I’m like whatever that’s Jojo, that’s how she rolls. The times that I’m not cool with it like the day of the movie I didn’t understand the reaction until I sat on the emotion by breaking it down.
Breaking down these emotions made me realize well I’m touchy feel type of person too so what’s the big deal? Then I remembered that I’m like that when I was dating or in what I thought back then were normal/healthy relationships. Now, I don’t regret anything I’ve done in my past because they helped shape the God-fearing woman I am today. And I think she rocks so much. However, I now understand that those relationships and experiences didn’t have a fighting chance because I, Crys P did not love myself. There’s no way I could have. Otherwise, I wouldn’t allow myself to endure the crapfest I did while I was with some of those guys. So I did what any lost child of God does, go back to the basics and seek answers from the great almighty. I’m a better person now; a different person. That makes me extremely proud. Back to Jojo so it perplexed me she’s like that with everyone not just I guess reserving it for her guy/husband. That bafflement triggered another issue of mine. So several years back I had a former friend, lets call her Hannah. Before I even talk about Hannah let me clarify I’m aware I have faults and I’m far from perfect. I’m a total sinner who chooses the ongoing fight to be better through the gracefulness of God. Hannah was (well she’s still alive just not in my life so is) the same age as me but also didn’t experience some of the things I did (back then), but she experienced stuff I never did, like going overseas, which is completely beautiful and brave. I wasn’t in the mental space honestly to be susceptible to an experience like that. Of course I am now, but everything is all in the right timing, God’s timing. Tangent, right so back to Hannah, she was the type of friend that wanted to monopolize most of my time, which was just weird to me. Both my brother and my dad were like watch out for her and I was like why? She also knew my sister and my cousin Lucy that I no longer talk to but they liked her. It took me a while to realize that Hannah was a manipulator. She constantly carried this poor me aura, that was very negative, suffocating and drowning. One of my uncles meet her and asked my mom what does she do for Crys (me) I don’t see any value she adds. I’ll never forget him saying that. OF course she completely spun her choice to stop speaking to me (again, her call because I refuse to be her friend, the way she wanted me to) where I was the bad guy. Cool, that’s okay, sure I’m sure I could have handled certain situations with her better but I didn’t. With that said, I’ll be the bad guy no problem. My sister took Hannah’s side. And was Team Hannah, I wasn’t aware the situation needed to be broken down in teams but okay, shrugs. How this ties in with Jojo and her touchy feel way, is I reflected back to Hannah’s clingy tendencies. Me being annoyed in the movies made my chatterbox go into Action-Jackson mode and I started comparing Jojo and Hannah and blurred the line where they were different. It made me just want to fall all the way back to the Canadian border.
Negative Nancy was strutting her stuff on that catwalk of chatter. Doing her horrible magic to get me to think all types of stuff so my thoughts would stay festered in my negativity. To have the half truths on replay instead of playing out the whole song. That’s why I started writing this entry because I’m reading Crash, I realized that it’s the chatterbox working it’s pathetic magic. Completely screwing my trajectory of the situation. At transitions last week Pastor Todd said some powerful words that stayed with me: “You have to approach everything with love.” even though he was talking about being offended by someone, I believe the same concepts applies with everything. Comparing Jojo and Hannah was part chatterbox and part fear of just getting into another situation like that, which is the last thing I want to experience ever in life. The past is supposed to teach us to be better and to move forward not relive a memory. Talking to Annabelle who’s a fellow God-fearing woman was refreshing and I think it was God’s preview of the amazing things to come and I’m so grateful. God is truly amazing. Instead of feeding into the negative emotions regarding Jojo I let them play out until I was in a space to approach my fears, concerns and annoyance from a place of love. I get I have a lot to learn and I’m far from perfect but I know I’m a forgiven sinner. I just want this to work itself out. I definitely don’t want to repeat just writing my raw feelings and just posting it on my blog like I did in my Spring post regarding Lucy. I don’t regret what I said but I do see I was insensitive to how she could possibly react. Then again as a writer should I really be concerned about people’s reactions if I’m keeping it vulnerable and raw? Some days I think yes and some days I think no. That’s the side of me that wants everyone happy but at who’s expense? Crys P’s? IS that fair? Absolutely not. The inner dialogue never ends.
My inner dialogue tells me I’m the type of person that gets sick of people, at least that’s what I USED to believe about myself. Now that I’m reading chatterbox I’m coming to realize the three P’s are completely profound that Steve Furtick wrote: personal, permanent and persuasive. “I’m a person that gets sick of people.” I’m a person made it personal for me. It’s Crys targeted. That gets sick of people is the permanent persuasive mantra that completely stays with me (Crys.) After reading chapter 9 I’m breaking down this sentence exactly how Pastor Furtick did with his sentence. So ‘that gets sick’ that’s a permanent and dangerous phrase to keep in my brain. After reading chapter 9 of crash, this phrase is different for me. It seems like it’s an excuse but now I’m wondering is it? Or is it a signal to shift something in the dynamic I’m suddenly sick of. Like with Jojo, that popped into my head today, her being late again was annoying again and her leaning on me was invasive to my personal space. As I said before because of my phobia it’s a rippling effect. I understand her love language is touch, one of my love language is as well but I usually act like that with guys as I said earlier. I did, I’m currently only in love with Jesus for he loves me and is teaching me how to love me for me, so that I’m whole for myself first then come together with my future husband. I think it makes me uncomfortable because I’m not a guy and I don’t understand why she’s not saving that for when she is with her guy and why she does it with me. The whole situation just wigged me out. As I broke down my wigged out emotion I now understand something more about myself, my claustrophobia and being assaulted. Sometimes these things can be triggered when I don’t have enough personal space or if I’m being touched.
As I wrote that I realized that Lucy getting hurt by my Spring post didn’t phase me or enter my brain because my trajectory of her is triggered by how I see her being condescending. Perhaps my imagery is incorrect, I won’t know we don’t speak anymore. She’s in her direction and I am in mine… running towards God. Yes, I think our dynamic got unhealthy way before my Spring entry and that every time we spoke there was so much clashing and I always left the conversations in a bad mood. It didn’t help matters that I didn’t agree with her lifestyle. I didn’t say she was wrong to feeling or living the way she does; I just didn’t agree with it. But the fact that I didn’t care if she got hurt says something. It could be that I wanted to hurt her on some level because I think she thinks she’s better but that’s an area where I have no factual evidence proving that and I’m going off of my sheer inner log of what I think. I think I got to that point because of my experience with her and the fact that she talks at people. Not to mention she was quite comfortable telling people what she thought about their situations. So there’s a saying, if you can dish it out you’re supposed to be able to take it right?
Between drawing near to God and my life changing experience doing direct sales I outgrew coping with buffoonery. I just now see it. God is working. I feel him working right now. Thank you God. I don’t feel the same as I did when I started this entry. Just like I’m a working progress growing and changing Jojo is too. And when you love someone you love all of them, good, bad, and down right ugly, especially if they add value to your life or even better both parties are God fearing people wanting to be better. I think when it came to Lucy and our relationship it was easy to let go because we are in different spaces. It feels like we stopped understanding each other. It also felt like we stop bettering each other. God brought my friendship with Jojo together for a reason. I also need to remember that Jojo looks up to me and I’m a positive influence in her life. So I can’t be on this chatterbox b*tchassness because it’s not the whole truth. The I’m sick of people is not real because I’m all about people. God made me that way. I love people, love helping them, love seeing them grow. So that sentence of I’m sick of people is inaccurate. Yes, I’m sensitive with my space but that could be triggered from my fear of closed confinements or the fact I was sexually assaulted at 19. Or it could be because of my weariness of my Hannah situation friendship disaster from the past and the fear of not wanting to repeat that cluster. Despite the fact I see slight similarities in Jojo. Jojo is not Hannah. Jojo is a child of God with GOOD intentions. Although my friendship with Hannah was not all bad, there was so much negativity centered in the friendship and if she was rooting for me it somehow felt like it needed to benefit her. If that makes any sense. Whereas, Jojo roots for me and it feels authentic with no hidden agenda. She practically dragged me out of my toxic so called relationship with Anderson and saved me. She introduced me to transitions and it changed my life, it’s changing my life. She’s a positive force that is awesome to be around. And that makes me extremely excited.
I don’t really know what triggers my discomfort that feeds the direction of my thoughts at times, which keeps that inaccurate sentence alive: I’m sick of people. Triggers are triggers. Maybe it’s all of the above. I do know that I’m glad I’m able to express myself where it shows me that I can think one way in the beginning and through my thoughts my course and cognitive direction positively alters. That reaffirms for me that good and positivity will always outweigh Negative Nancy chatterbox. As I was saying, Jojo is a working progress just like I’m a working progress. So although her shortcomings annoy me I’m sure I have shortcomings that annoy her. She says she’s trying with her tardiness and although on some level deep within it feels like she’s just saying that as an excuse. Maybe that inner dialogue is chattering, actually it probably is but I also reflect back to when I used to have horrible tardiness like her. Until Hannah pointed it out to me how disrespectful it was. She was right, and I reflected on the fact that I did disrespect her. I would get ready past the time I said I would get ready for whatever plans we had back then. On some level I didn’t care if I was late because I had issues with her I never addressed. They festered and grew like a malicious fungus. I even said oh it’s just Hannah many times, which is just flat out wrong. It’s very possible my ‘oh it’s Hannah’ reaction derived from my brewing internal issues I never vocalized with her. So if I can say that to myself, then it makes me think that Jojo is capable of doing that as well. So I have no tolerance for her lateness because of that and the fact that she was late back to back after a discussion the previous night made me think it completely went over her head like it did for ME many times in the past. I also came to the realization that my maturity level back then wasn’t as strong as it is now. I’d be quick on defense when someone corrected something I did was wrong, Jojo does that. Sometimes being on defense can be seen as making excuses. I also need to realize that because I experienced something similar and evolved from it in my own way, it’s still my way. It’s not Jojo’s way. And my story is my story not Jojo’s. So her progress will be different because she’s different. That’s why comparing is so dangerous and shouldn’t be done. Yet, we’re all sinners that make mistakes and are extremely flawed. Through the graceful faithfulness of the amazing Lord, we’re forgiven.
Pastor Furtnick says, we can’t un-sin just repent. Like I said, that ‘Hannah situation’ friendship wasn’t all bad despite the fact that she possessed a negative aura I ignored it until it started suffocating me and God stepped in. I’m not saying my ish doesn’t stink, it does, I buy febreze, but I’m actively trying to be better and do better. Being in the center of God is doing so much for me and for my desire to be better in every dynamic of my life. In the same breath I can honestly say with confidence that I stand firm in my belief and what I wrote regarding my Spring entry and the part that covered Lucy. My sister called me because Lucy called her. The whole conversation was unnecessary. Lucy emailed me instead of calling yet calls my sister? Involving my sister was a mistake. That just heightened my desire to stay far and clear even more. Lucy actions equals drama and I’m doing everything in my power to avoid all that doesn’t center God. Drama doesn’t center God. It’s interesting that both my sister and Lucy claimed I judged (which I didn’t do, I simply voiced how I felt about a lifestyle I choose not to live anymore. I had premarital sex, it’s not worth giving your body to someone that isn’t your life partner in the eyes of God, your husband. I never co-habituated with a guy but I don’t want to unless I’m Mrs. ____) yet they’re a glass house… my sister still speaks to Hannah, and now and again throws jabs about that dissolved friendship completely having an opinion about me without hearing me out. Okay fine, and Lucy has (or had, maybe she changed) a habit of talking at people. Like I said, why throw stones from a glass house? I created my blog to be brave enough to expose my emotions and everything that effects me as I walk this path called life. I won’t apologize or feel guilty about that. I honestly don’t. Lucy’s whole approach was completely unnecessary. Things are finally put to rest and I don’t have to feel like I’m weighed down. I don’t think I should feel guilty about feeling like this because we’re not supposed to feel weighed down by a situation or a person. We’re supposed to make each other better. We’re supposed to uplift each other. I can’t remember the last time Lucy uplifted me or I her. That can’t be good and it’s not hence why we’re not in each others lives anymore. I’ll always love her and want nothing but the best for her because she’s an amazing woman. Sometime I don’t even think she sees how amazing she is. But now, I’ll just think about her and love her from afar.
Jojo and I do uplift each other though. There’s so much positivity in the dynamic is pretty awesome, a true blessing and makes me think God’s working. So because I learned such an important lesson last Friday regarding approaching a person with love instead of with frustration aka positively not negatively. I needed to write this all out so that I can not only sleep on it but also have a better understanding as the words were written. And I’m so thankful to God those negative emotions I felt earlier are gone. I suppose I did what Pastor Furtick encourages his readers in chatterbox to do, and that is go with the chatterbox because it’s only replaying a half truth. My weariness of my closeness with Jojo was first triggered from the fact she was late again, upsetting me, triggering my assumption of the fact that she is being disrespectful… all assumptions festering and growing like that poisonous fungus I mentioned before. You gotta kill those, otherwise they’ll keep growing maliciously. The only fungus we can consume are mushrooms. I think, I don’t feel like researching to confirm or correct this statement so let’s say the most popular fungus us homosapiens consumes. With all that said, everything she did was under a magnifying glass. My irritation was amplified and anything and everything going forward during Noah aggravated me, as I said earlier. So to hear her complain about waiting for 15 minutes unnecessarily because her phone didn’t receive the message (or it’s possible she didn’t check it until fifteen minutes later) made me want to blow my stack. But I didn’t. One I wanted to watch the movie, and two I wanted to stay in the Jesus lane even though that’s extremely hard sometimes like it was that day. So during the movie when she was talking sometimes or when she leaned in my space I was swimming in the dead center of my pissery. I was glad that new buddy Annabelle was on my other side because she’s got a very calm and patient aura it was helped me to stay calm. And all the thoughts and emotions I felt earlier developed because of my annoyance. And made me start to think well maybe I need to fall back a bit, etc and whatever else I wrote. Perhaps there’s some truth to the notion of continuing on this evolving track of staying with God but also keeping a healthy balance and creating room for a just Crys section. I’m ready and would love to explore that part of me. Jojo isn’t there she’s more let’s do everything together, a sisterhood of the traveling pants part eighty. That is fine and I’m all for adventures with great company but sometimes it’s healthy to do things on your own and have room for opportunities that just involve yourself. I feel much better now. I’m glad that my original trajectory was positively altered in the direction of clarity and understanding when it comes to Jojo. I’m really excited to see what Compel night is about this Friday at Brooklyn Tabernacle! 4.4.14, 7 pm!!!! Everybody should go!!! My brother agreed to come with me!! That small victory has me wanting to run a marathon!!!! YAY!!!!!! Tomorrow can’t come fast enough! This path called life.