Depression

Yesterday the world lost an actor, a father, a friend and a son. His name was Robin Williams. The media fed us that it was an alleged suicide that caused this tragedy. I didn’t personally know Robin Williams and those that did were so blessed to have known him for as long as they did. I grew up on the amazing Robin Williams train as an 80s baby with Jumanji, Aladdin, Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, the list is honestly endless. And who can forget Sesame Street? When you saw Robin Williams you felt happy, you laughed until you cried with cramps in your stomach and there was always joy because God blessed him with the ability to make others laugh despite what was internally going on with him. I don’t remember when he bravely came out and admitted he suffered from manic depression but he did. A person that can make you laugh and feel good despite having inner turmoil is truly talented and gifted. There’s a sadness that I feel with his passing. There’s a level of shock, and honestly, my feelings aren’t as important as his families and his friends. My prayers and thoughts are with them. I’ll keep praying for God to give them the strength to get through these moments and I also pray that Robin Williams’ soul finds our amazing Savior. Robin Williams can never be replaced and he’ll be so missed by his family, friends and his fans. As someone who loved him as well, I pray that he’s resting in peace.

Depression is so real, living it, being around it, and the suffocation that occurs cannot be put into words. The numbness and emptiness is so severe you start thinking your body has holes and there’s wind passing through the gaps where your body should be. It’s a lifetime wrestle that can be won, especially if you let go and let God. Trust me, that’s what pulled me out of my depression. Not the anti-depressants, not the therapists, although it’s progress but those don’t always work (sadly.) It was Jesus’ love that saved me. It was Jesus’ love that taught me I am a masterpiece and I’m worth fighting for because Crysta matters. I was compelled to write I suppose for some time but the shocking death of one of my favorite comedians and actors pushed me to write about the severity of depression. I also found out about Robin’s death on social media yesterday. The lack of understanding of what depression does to a person literally broke my heart. We live in a society that is in the habit to judge and label first and ask questions later. It goes even further than that: there’s no desire to understand. Every human on this planet whether they want to admit it or not wants to be loved and understood. We all bleed red. We are all humans that need oxygen to exist and we all speak several languages whether it’s English, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, French or something else I never heard of personally; so that leaves the opportunity for communication and connection. This is what God wanted. That’s how he designed this planet. This is why he sacrificed his only son so that we can all live. Not just the believers, but the waivers, the non believers, especially the non believers because there blinded by lies. God didn’t only want us to live. He wanted us united and there for one another. This is why Jesus Christ is our savior and the only answer to everlasting life. Earth and all it’s possessions are temporary. Jesus didn’t die for us to judge each other, abuse each other, hate each other, bully each other, kill each other, and definitely not be insensitive to situations like deep depression/manic depression/bi-polar/anxiety and whatever else modern medicine can come up with this century as a name to this crappy illness. It feels like the title changes every hour. That could just be my perspective…

That’s what depression is: an illness, just like cancer, it can kill. It’s heartbreaking and tragic that Robin Williams lost his battle to this crappy illness. The level of loneliness that you feel when you’re depressed makes you feel like your dead on the inside and there’s a yearn to match the outside. You literally just want the pain, emptiness and loneliness to just all end by any means necessary. Can we undo yesterday? No all we can do as Christians is pray that Robin Williams’ soul finds God. God doesn’t speak the language of depression, as someone that currently thrives the battle of depression I do know and can say that. It’s really hard to believe that when you’re walking in the pain and numbness because all you can see is the fog of unworthiness and emptiness. There is light and beauty on the other side. I’m living it. Am I saying that Robin Williams’ death could have been avoided? No, I’m not, I do wish it though. I’m not going to lie. Because Robin Williams’ life was so so so precious and mattered so much and we don’t know what he felt the final moments he had on this Earth. Or anyone else who took their life yesterday, today or pondering it now, their life was (is) precious as well and matters so much. All I can do is pray that Robin knew he mattered and that he was loved. He was so so loved by so many people (like me) that didn’t even personally know him. I loved him. I was team Robin. I almost wish I did know him. I don’t only pray for the soul of Robin Williams being with God and anyone else that took their life yesterday or anyone that’s done it today, or thinking about doing it now. Please, please please, if you take anything away, take this: it does get better. And please please reach out to someone if you’re thinking about killing yourself don’t be silent about it. Please. You are not alone. 2 Timothy 1:7 For God did not give you a spirit of fear but a spirit of love, power and self-discipline.

The beautiful eyeballs that are reading these words, please know that you’re loved beyond comprehension or any conjured trajectory. AND…There’s also this cool massive plan God has, a far better plan than any plan you can ever muster up! All by taking the hand of Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. Stand strong my Siblings in Christ. It gets better. The tragic death of a beloved actor pushed me out of my comfort zone even more and encouraged me to have the bravery to open my typing mouth. IF there’s a small chance it reaches someone out here battling from depression in any form or entity. Once again: YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. I can’t stress that enough. Reach out to someone please, if you want to reach out to me, do it. I’m here for anyone always. Not just because we’re all one through the body of Christ but because I know what it’s like and I genuinely care. Modern day medicine has loads of labels and definition for how someone ‘feels.’ Only God and you would truly know how to walk in your shoes. Not doctors, not a diagnosis, and not a therapist, you. You and (God) are the best expert of being you. That’s the biggest lesson I learned and continue to learn with this wrestle I’m currently winning with depression. I also learned you’re not as alone as you feel. They’re people out here who do care and who do get it, besides me. Most importantly God gets it and is with you. Am I trying to ram God down anyone’s throat? No, but man, those that don’t know what it’s like to have him as your center are truly missing out!!! That I can say with conviction because I’m on the other side and it’s awesome. Awesome doesn’t even really describe the greatness truly. I suppose we can pretend it comes close for now.

My amazing walk with Christ is teaching me a lot. To really be pushed out of my CZ (comfort zone) in terms of communication, and well just feeling. I don’t like doing either. At least Worldly Crysta didn’t. She died. But there’s still residue, and I suspect there will always be residue in some shape or form. That’s fine. My God is greater and will equip me to conquer and thrive through fleeting moments that are all lies. I used to want to write a letter or not talk to someone all together than to admit that “Hey you hurt my feelings,” and even when I just “feel” it means my brain has room to get hurt. So the goal is to be numb, check out, or whatever one wants to identify that personal coping mechanism. I checked out or was numb. The sentence usually goes for every action there’s a reaction but for every action there’s a story. Every story has a beginning, a conception. Whatever is conceived grows. Depression goes beyond the saying what you think becomes bigger. Can depression be controlled? Honestly, that’s a question that can’t be answered with a simple yes or a simple no. It’s not that black and white, there’s shades of grey and color. Sure one can sit here and think what you think becomes bigger, but the entity of depression is so much deeper than that… there’s one’s life experiences to account for, there’s one’s home environment. The person could’ve experienced traumatic situations on an ongoing basis or it could have been one isolated disaster. There’s so many scenarios that could’ve occurred. Just like cancer doesn’t happen overnight, neither does depression. It grows over time sometimes rapidly and other times like a slow burning fire. It’s unpredictable like the weather and not easily cured. That’s how coping mechanisms occur: drinking, sex, drugs, being an adrenaline junkie or even a mixture of all four. It took so much selflessness for the late amazing Robin Williams to make all the ones he made laugh and happy in the dead middle of his inner turmoil. That’s a gift. That’s how we should remember him as well as all the other amazing works he’s done while we had him on this Earth. Life’s so short. Shorter than we even realize. What do we do as people to focus on then if that’s the case? How would we know where to search? I’ll tell you: The amazing word (Bible) is a great place to start.

I’m understanding more and more there’s a bigger need when I read the word. There’s this thirst and hunger to understand, to serve, to do more, to give more. I long to comprehend the Bible in it’s entirety and I would love this to be accomplished five seconds ago. I’m also just a flawed forgiven sinner that has instant gratification issues; and God’s teaching me how to chill out. He’s humbling me. I’m so grateful for that. So I’m being pushed out of my comfort zone…. Is it nice? What do you think? I’d rather have a root canal but I trust God. My surrendering on 6/1/14 was a revival I didn’t realize was needed. I’m not looking back or going back ever. Once you get a taste of real love no one would want to. So I say yes to whatever is around the corner and what’s in my face right now. God’s revelations hit you when you least expect it. That’s what he’s doing with me. Do I understand everything kind of. I’m going on a retreat next weekend that I’m really excited for. My first spiritual retreat, to be in the mountains/forest (and God) whatever, all green life to me is a forest because I’m a city girl. I’m a BK chick that’s used to hearing cats purr and the faint sounds of a sirens. Hearing crickets and my own in take of breath should be interesting. I’m just most excited to be away from the city with my Bible and a BUNCH of other Christians who are radical for God. 😀 #MOVEMENT2014 I believe there’s seats still available from August 22nd-August 24th. www.brooklyntabernacle.org/movement2014

I learned a lot since my last post a several weeks ago. The wrap up to the revival was the truth (sorry don’t remember details, basically revival starts with us…YOU.) Pastor Todd is just always dropping mics and pearls of wisdom. God is using him and his beautiful wife, Nicole so brilliantly and in such massive ways. I pray that God continues to bless their amazing family as they serve the kingdom of God. There’s nothing like serving. It’s literally the best feeling on the planet that nothing can quench or satisfy. I wish I can fast forward to the moment I start serving at BT. I also learned to always (at least the moments where I am consciously aware) to always come from a place of love. Do I always get it right? Of course not, do I mess up, you bet yummy cheese puffs I mess up. But I no longer see myself as a worthless mess. I see myself as a Godly mess that’s always being harvested by my amazing Savior. I’m weak and nothing without God. Life literally does not make sense without him at my core of my existence. I’m not sure how I walked this Earth before 6/1/14 without him as my center. I’m glad I never have to know. I literally can’t wait to serve in ministry as I take my Bible courses in the fall. I was called to do it. God entrusts me with such a precious task and I’m humbled. I also need to learn patience which I believe God is teaching me. 🙂

I bought a journal exactly a month ago and I use it as my gratitude journal. I write prayers to God everyday, or at least try to do one everyday, sometimes I do more than one. I thank him for all that he blessed me with: my health, my family, shelter, oxygen, my job, my Siblings in Christ, everything that I can’t even think of right now. And not necessarily in that order either 🙂 I may not be where I want to be but God has me exactly where he needs me to be. God’s smarter than I’ll ever be. Ever. The more I read the Bible the more I understand that fact. I’m reading the book of Genesis and it’s so deep that I take woosaa breaks from it, lol. Pastor Cymbala also shared a brilliant idea with reading at least one chapter of Old Testament with one chapter of New Testament. I’ve been doing that and that works out a lot better. I highly recommend for those that aren’t and are interested but I’m really typing to the people that aren’t interested. My heart yearns to reach them more. I tackle other books with Jojo* we’re reading Exodus and Corinthians together. But the part of Genesis that still sticks out in my brain is when God created Babel. I found it really funny because God’s got swag. He’s the creator of swagged out. He saw what his chosen children were about to do, which was build a big wall and God didn’t want that so he confused them and they no longer understood each other. That caused them to spread out making the wall idea no more. Guess what, we are ALL God’s chosen children! In case you need that reminder.

God babels us. Please believe that, especially if he sees that we’re going down the wrong path. Ever wonder why stuff just ‘isn’t going your way?’ that’s cause God doesn’t want it done. Ever wonder why it ‘took so long to get a job’ or why you can’t ‘find what you’re looking for’ well it’s God working behind the scenes he’s not ready for you to have anything or be anywhere. Sometimes the signs are obvious and sometimes the signs are not easily seen to the naked human eye. That’s why God blessed us with the same spirit that resurrected Jesus Christ. It’s always in the lane of truth. The more we feed it, the more it guides us and literally takes us in the direction that we need to be. Most of all I’m thankful for the ability to have a relationship with God through my personal savior Jesus Christ. God’s love and grace is endless. This gratitude journal really makes me see and appreciate the small stuff that completely went over my head before. I’m ashamed that the small amazing blessings went over my head because they are not something I have to have. It’s through the grace of God that I have them. I’m humbled that God is teaching me how to alter my vantage point. I’m so blessed. I can’t speak for others, but I know personally I can get caught up in not being able to pay this or not be in my own space or whatever your personal fleeting moment of marinating in the doubt sauce is. The bottom line is: Everything we experience now is a season, and it’s past tense. God works out all things for our Good. Even if it’s hard for us to see that.

Is this amazing journey with Jesus easy? Of course not. Learning how to just aspire, not even be like, because it’s impossible, to have eyes and a heart like Jesus is a tall order of yeah okay epic fail. He was perfect and we’re not. He was perfect and was still judged and still chose to die for our sins so we can live in his righteousness. The more that concept is understood the more the yearn to serve will want to be birth from within. My faith through God’s grace keeps increasing. I have faith that Robin Williams’ soul is at peace and any other souls that were lost that wasn’t mentioned. I know I didn’t mention this earlier but all the chaos going on with the world: Isis, the riot in Ferguson and anything else not caught up in the media will turn around because nothing is too big for God. We have a mighty God that’s already turn things around as we speak. The depression, the financial difficulties, the housing situations, that college loan, the relationships, or anything else that I didn’t list will be worked out. Letting go and letting God is not only freeing it makes God’s wrestle with you smoother. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done, like personal harvesting. God wants us focused on the vertical, him. He works out the horizontal, everything else. It’s his job. Not ours. I pray this reached someone out there. Remember God loves you. So do I. Your sister, Crysta. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*I change names for the protection of identities.

#MOVEMENT2014 #Depression #RIPRobinWilliams

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6 thoughts on “Depression

  1. God bless you sis for sharing your story. RIP Robin Williams indeed. There is a common misconception and stigma concerning depression. I too battle it in the form of anxiety. Just today I had to head the hospital bc of the anxiety and making sure that I am properly medicated. I was on the other side, the wordily side. The side where I cast judgement and frowned upon those who needed help, when I was secretly battling in silence. I give God all the Glory, which he truly deserves for taking me and showing me my true reflection. I needed God and he is the only pure form of love. Nothing else can compare to the love of God. Nothing ever will. That is why we have to use our stories as the testimonies that they are to evangelize to our brothers and sisters who wavering, non-believers and all else. God bless you!!! ❤

    • God bless you too sis! There’s bravery in your admission. Our walks are God’s testimonies. God made us all unique masterpieces with our own unique testimonies. Silent testimonies can’t impact for real. God will push us to speak up and will continue to have us speak up. God is with you as he is with all of us. I pray that this did get through to someone. God’s a friend not a foe. God heals, not wounds. God restores not destroys. God is the creator of all things good. Good will always prevail. We have a might big God!! Thanks so much for reading! ❤

  2. I can relate to so much of what you said. Although it was years ago, I too dealt with a period of terrible depression. I thought about suicide constantly. I thank God for keeping me during that time. Even though I didn’t yet know Him, it was His grace that saved my life. Thank you for being transparent. God bless you. I love you sis❤️.

    • I love you too sis! Yes, all the glory goes to God. I’m just a vessel. It hurts to think it took the death of the beloved Robin Williams to push me to speak up about depression and the suicidal thoughts and attempts. God is bigger though. I’m so glad you’re thriving as well!! God loves you so much and has such a big plan for you!!! never lose sight of that. You’re so strong and amazing. ❤

  3. Pingback: Luxury | From guestwriters

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