What exactly is a movement? Is it just a word that can be found in various versions of a dictionary? Sure on the surface level any naked eye can see with tools like glasses, binoculars or some other object that’s not popular. When I think of the word movement multiple expressions and emotions formulate in my cerebral circumference: wrestle, wrecking, discomfort, challenged; the phrase that sticks out the most is take a leap of faith.
My church has many anointed Pastors that are brilliantly used as vessels to preach and spread the good news. I love and appreciate all of them. There is just something about Pastor Delina however, that sticks out when he ministers. His animation takes his messages to another spiritual dimension. My hands feel like they can fall off from writing down his pearls of wisdom. He’s actually the Pastor that gave me one of the greatest images of taking a leap of faith. I’d describe the message but I wouldn’t want to risk ruining the artistry.
I love art in all forms and can truly find art in anything, the entity fascinates me. That Sunday Pastor Delina painted a picture with his words. It was also the same Sunday I did a heart check and dug in areas of my life I felt (at the time) needed me to take a leap of faith in. I’m so appreciative of breathing and the small miracles God gives me everyday like movement. This amazing walk with Christ is a gift because God’s grace is why I’m no longer the complete wreckage I was a year ago. It’s been almost a year since both Brooklyn Tabernacle and MVMNT (Movement) have entered into my life. God is SO GOOD! I’m in awe of how he used my best friend, spiritual twin, and sister Jojo* as an active MVMNT to not only want to live again but get toxic people like Anderson* and the others out of my life. For new readers, Anderson was a boy that was in my life during my broken mess and I thought I loved him. I also thought I was in a relationship with him when in reality I was seeking validation from a mortal human who was also broken. I thank GOD every chance I get that my soul is now anchored to the only validation I care for: GOD. God is first in my heart and he will always be first in my heart no matter what.
I will never forget my first experience at what is now called MVMNT (Movement.) I felt the presence of God. Before that moment I always pondered if I ever will. I grew up in a Roman Catholic Church, which I’ve mentioned in past blogs.Everyday is a gift and everyday we grow in this walk with Christ whether we’re ready for that fact or not. Going to church as a kid never made sense to me because we praised God with our mouths closed. After mass my parents would yell and fight with each other sometimes and that was not synonymous with the Bible so I thought everything was a lie. Younger Crysta also found a kick out of “confessions.” We confess our sins to a fellow sinner? How exactly does that make sense to a kid? It didn’t so I checked out mentally as a kid and attended those services with my family until I was old enough to say no. That was around the time the birth of see and don’t see or me going into lala land moments developed.
I truly love my family but there’s so much dysfunction with addictions left and right and the chase of money. When I open my mouth to come from a place of love, I’m accused of judging as I stand on a soap box. I would never do that because I’m a broken sinner who had some truly dark days. I’m only alive kicking and healthy because I have a savior named Jesus Christ. I’m an ordinary woman chasing an extraordinary God who moves mountains. Nothing is too big for God. I’m so humbled and in awe as his daughter that I can take everything to him. I’m in awe that I was adopted into his kingdom. He has wrestled and wrecked me so much this past year. I went from worrying myself through eating disorders and suicidal depression over money, validation but mainly a fear of being unloved. Today I’m so confident in God’s love that the bondage of shame I felt for my past is broken. Why? Because I truly understand my walk is his testimony. Everything that I experienced was predestined to be used for God’s will and that truly humbles me. I’m honored to #GOLOWER I do say yes to everything and anything that God directs me to do.
Feeling the presence of God was not the only expression I felt at my first MVMNT meeting last year. My eyes immediately zeroed in on this handsome man. At the time I didn’t know his name. What stood out to me was I didn’t want to pounce him and jump his bones. That left me baffled because I didn’t understand (at the time) what I felt for him or what our connection was. I was still Worldly Crysta back then so in her confused brain she thought one can only feel a ‘romantic connection’ through sex. I didn’t want to have sex with this guy; I wanted to know him as a man of God. I wanted to just be in his presence. So I tried to box out this guy and just focus on God. I said to myself, “Mm, this is doesn’t make sense, whatever.”
The next MVMNT meeting I sat at the back waiting on Jojo* and she was late and I was so pissed off. I was ranting in my head how badly she sucks at life. I was truthfully hurt that she was late because I saw her lateness of her not caring about me. It took me a long time for me to admit that to her. Instead, I was a not so nice cold person. I’m so GRATEFUL to God that he’s wrecked me and continues to wreck me to express how I feel especially when I’m hurt. Somewhere in the middle of my mental rant the guy I felt this unknown connection to sat right next to me. I immediately became calm and I said to myself, “Oh it’s that guy I look at, wait why am I looking at him? Wait why do I want him to look at me back? Wait what about Anderson*?” After that last mental question he got up, left and like clockwork Jojo* came and sat down. I believe she was apologizing but I wasn’t registering her fully. I was trying to comprehend what just occurred between me and that guy. Of course I chalked that up as something that ‘just happens.’
Several services passed until a MVMNT transpired between myself and this guy. MVMNT services has something called face time where there is a clock of 2 minutes and we introduce ourselves to as many people as possible. I was looking for the guy and I couldn’t find him so I told God, “God where’s that guy I always look at, I want to know his name.” Not even a second later the handsome guy comes and introduces himself to me. Let’s call him Harper* I never forgot his name ever since that moment. On a very dweebie level I replay that moment in my head like a school girl crush. If I’m truthful with myself since day 1 I always felt a connection to him. I always thought there was something between us but I didn’t understand it or trust it so I took it to Abba. As time went on I realized that I developed feelings for him, which made zero sense to me. How do you start catching feelings for a guy that only shook your hand? Yeah okay, that’s not possible right? That’s what I thought. I started having dreams and visions about a future with him. I ignored that too. So God kept showing me signs. Since I was being his stubborn daughter.
God kicked the signs up a notch…I started feeling Harper’s presence before making eye contact with him. Anytime he’d enter a room or was near I’d know because I felt him. I thought I was conjuring that as well but the butterflies and lightheaded emotions Harper makes me feel I didn’t make up. I kept asking God to help because I thought I was going nuts. How do you fall for a guy you shook hands with once? I went even harder reading the word, praying and I was still seeing him in my dreams. I’ll never forget on August 20th (my sister’s birthday) I was watching #POLA with Jojo and Lady Lavetta said she was called into ministry before she got married. Then Lady Christy said just focus on the vertical and I felt like I was on fire as I repeated ‘oh my gosh’ because Harper’s name was popping in my head. Jojo said I was getting confirmed of course I ignored her and said “Yay, the retreat is in two days.”
The retreat even though it was back in August, felt like it was yesterday. One of the best weekends of my life to be around that many beautiful souls loving God? I wish that weekend was longer. I want to go back. God made movements at Lake Champion and when we came back to the city we came back with a radical movement of God. The ministry changing their name was so fitting. I came back a changed woman of God. I accept my love for Harper even though it scares me. When you love you want to be loved back. Despite that, I realized me loving Harper was bigger than me because God put him in my heart. God put him in my heart so I can pray hard for him the way I’ve been doing. God needs me to love him from afar for now. God needs me to pray that he keeps radical and focused on the Lord so that no mortal ever comes between the bond of Son and King. Harper seems like an amazing man of God. I’d love to get to know him so we can read his favorite scripture together, pray together but most importantly grow in God together. I only want all of this through God’s direction and will.
Worldly Crysta used to “take matters into her own hands” I’m so glad she’s dead. Sadly, just because she’s dead doesn’t mean there isn’t residue that attempts to make it’s presences known. God has revealed to me that I’m not supposed to initiate conversation with Harper. I’ve actually tried God, and he’s proven he’s Alpha and Omega (I repent, Lord.) Every time I tried someone came into his path or mine. So I finally got it and said, “Okay God, he has to come up to me. I understand.” That isn’t something I’m used to. I used to approach and have ‘tunnel vision’ and have an eagle eye on what I wanted. Harper makes me feel like an inexperienced teenager who has no clue what to do next. God needed me to be humbled in that area and to understand the true role of a Biblical woman who later becomes a Biblical wife. Women don’t court, men do. I never understood that concept but the more I read the word the more things click. I trust God to lead me through this process because I have no idea what ‘getting it right’ looks like or even what’s next.
Whatever occurs next I know God will be directing both Harper and myself, as well as Jojo and Jackson*. Jojo and Jackson are in a similar situation. Jojo is taking all of this in a lot better than me. Thank GOD. It’s adorable to see Jojo become giddy when she stares at Jackson. I truly get a kick out seeing Jackson fight not to stare at Jojo. They’re fools that entertain me. IT’s such an adorable process. I also think it’s adorable Harper makes me feel like a blubbering dork sometimes. Or the fact I just want to grin and never stop when I see him. I look forward to seeing him at church and at MVMNT. For the entire month of September, MVMNT has been doing a photo challenge, which I thought was pure genius. It allows us to get to know one another on grander scale. A few days ago, Harper posted a picture of a mouth watering burger that had me slightly salivating. I sort of wanted to go in the screen and take the burger. I got somewhat excited that I almost dropped my laptop. God and food just make sense; they always have and they always will. In the process of my slight excitement, I accidentally liked his picture and freaked out to the point of where I undid my like. I went very left with my thoughts. I didn’t want God to think I was trying to take matters into my own hands because I wasn’t. #TeamLoveFromAfar is what God wants that’s what he’ll get. What does one do when they freak out? They call their best friend, Jojo. She told me to take a chill pill and pray it out. I did, and the next day I heard leap of faith. That’s what I did with Harper, I saw something I liked it without freaking out. I do want Harper to approach me and speak to me. I genuinely want to develop a friendship with him he seems like such a dope man of God and definitely good company. I only want him to come up to me in God’s timing and when he’s ready. I’ll wait. What God has revealed to me shows me that he’s definitely worth the wait. I’m learning as I go just like the rest of us on this walk with Christ. God’s wrecking me with being more vulnerable on such a massive scale like this. It’s somewhat liberating. Challenge yourself beautiful readers to do something that makes you uncomfortable. It’ll be scawesome!!! (scawesome=scary awesome or awary works too) God loves you so do I. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
*Names were changed for privacy purposes.