Dear God, Thank you so much just for the ability to breathe. The small blessings us flawed homosapiens forget to thank you for because we’re too caught up wallowing in the ocean of our feelings. You breathe oxygen into our lungs when you do not have to. Jesus’ sacrifice alone is a debt we’ll never ever be able to repay so the audacity to get caught up in temporary trivial circumstances when the gift of life is something we do not deserve, is truly baffling. Abba, we’re #craycray yet you still love us!! We’re beyond blessed and so unworthy!
Last night souls had life spoken into them at #392FultonStreet at the second installment of #MVMNTbk #memyselfieandi series. Our Pastor was on fire. The Holy Spirit was so active in that sanctuary. The worship was so on point. It felt like falling in love with #MVMNTbk all over again. To see so many souls jumping around celebrating the presence of God was a priceless moment captured in time forever. I felt all giddy on the inside because as a musicology lover all was right in my world.
I was also on worship cloud winning because I had my membership interview last night for Brooklyn Tabernacle and I’m officially a member. 🙂 It felt so amazing to just go on a rambling tangent of how much God blesses and it’s all about going lower. I could’ve talked forever to the Deacon because he was laughing and smiling at my dorkiness. #TeamDorkFOREVER but he reminded me that other people were waiting to be interviewed and then I remembered MVMNT was happening!!! SO I ran downstairs so I wouldn’t miss out on too much action and get fed some life from our Young Adult Pastor. MAN, did he go IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!! The ultimate message was understanding how the enemy distorts the identity that God harvests us to have; and the sons and daughters he calls us to be to glorify his kingdom. Here’s a recap of the 4 pointers and how I reacted to the life feeding message:
1. God does not want us to be paralyzed by the opinion of others! That’s having our eyes fixated on the visible found in the horizontal. The horizontal is a realm of several seductions. #Money #Status #Wardrobes #Toys4Boys (like their cars and other tech mumbo jumbo) the list goes on in the materialistic world. Getting tripped up here allows the enemy to attack us. The same way we all have unique fingerprints we all are uniquely made. God did that on
He took his T I M E to genetically make us up in our individual human forms. That’s how much he loves us. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. God knew what he was doing making you. Yes, you the eyeballs that are reading right now. NEVER forget that. I took forever to understand that my validation is only from God. Now I live solely for his glory and my eyes are fixed on the vertical as I have eagle eye tunnel vision on this vantage point. I’m humbled and honored that God had so much faith in flawed messed up me that I’d finally look up.
2. Past hurts and pains suspends us from living in the lane of forgiveness and freedom!! God is not a God of disorder and confusion. God is love. That’s it. Will we have our moments of reflection and get caught up being alllllllllllllllllllll up in our feelings? Duh, of course we will. Does God know that? Duh, part two of course he does. I sometimes forget that God knows us better than we will ever EVER know ourselves. God does NOT just want our praises he wants our struggles as well. God is greedy he wants to be all up in the business. He wants an intimacy with us. He patiently waits for us to have that mental recognition click. God is the only being that takes us as we are: flawed sinners and loves us enough to wrestle and wreck us into polished soldiers for his kingdom. How amazing is that?! This fact makes my world go round and round and round.
3. The founding father of the compare game is media and culture. We all fall into this trap all to much. I don’t have this like that person… If I had more money like so and so I’d have what they have too… hmmm, how many people liked the picture I posted two seconds ago…? blah blah. This list is endless. How about we stop ignoring the signs God is trying to convey to us to be still so that he can teach us why we’re in the specific season
has us in? Am I always aware of God’s signs? No, I’m not. Am I always still? Honestly, being still is very challenging for me. I have a very short attention span and sometimes I feel like I have ants in my pants. When I attempt to be still I don’t even know if I’m doing it correctly. Not doing something correctly used to bother Worldly Crysta. To her, she sucked at something because she lived in a lane with the trajectory that life is either winning or losing. It wasn’t an option to her to lose. Walk with Christ Crysta, has a different mindset. She understands that not everything is a competition. Even as an avid game player and game lover, she still understands games are games. My love for games stems from childhood growing up playing games with my brother and my mom. We used to go IN! My sister and my dad never cared for them; oh well… they missed out!!! I’m thankful that God has taught me that not everything is a competitive race and definitely not a comparison game. The media is glamorized. Glamor is always fluffed. Humans are perfectly imperfect which leaves no room for fluffing. Besides, stuffed animals are in the realm of fluffy mcfluff not homosapiens who feel and bleed.
4. CONDEMNATION…of our own minds, of others pointing an outward finger and of others always having something wrong with them. When our Pastor vocalized that last one I blurted out RIGHT!!!… then I quickly covered my mouth. I’m loud. Through God, I have a loud personality, voice and presence. God has been teaching me through his amazing grace to be in the spirit of acceptance that less is more. Just because my voice projects doesn’t mean it always has to be vocalized. Just because God has blessed me with a commanding presence doesn’t mean I’m supposed to always be noticed. This made me really uncomfortable for a very long time… then #middlechildsyndrome kicked in and there was a necessity to be
Surrendering to Jesus meant picking up the cross and dying in self. Now I live for him and him alone. Any quality that is possessed within is to only Glorify the Kingdom of God not me. I understand this #fact but more importantly I’m in the spirit of acceptance of this honorary task. Acceptance resumes the enemy’s suspension on your destiny with God. Don’t be on pause anymore. #PressPlay #Play4God
I was too DONE with life in an EXTRAordinary way after this message was completed. The presence of God was so massive last night it felt like the excitement of Christmas morning!! My favorite celebration ever!!! Yesterday, was definitely one of the greater moments of 2014. My spirits definitely needed that gift of uplifting because my grandmother’s health is ailing unfortunately.
This past Thursday, I went up to my sister’s house, where my grandmother lives. I originally went there because my niece had her adorable Thanksgiving party. My usual routine when I get to my sister’s house is to go straight to my grandmother’s room and kiss her up. When I saw her she looked so frail and weak I got choked up and literally fought back tears. To see her struggle to take in oxygen when I said hi granny she looked at me and smiled and said hi darling. I kissed her and whispered to her I love her very much. I left before I collapsed in agony. I sensed she was in so much pain it literally broke my heart. My grandmother suffers from dementia, Alzheimer and was diagnosed with heart failure last year. The doctors told us that she wouldn’t make it to her 90th birthday. My grandmother turned 90 last month. #Hello there’s what man says and then there’s God. God will always prove us wrong!
Despite these blessings seeing my grandmother in that state felt very different this time. I felt acceptance from her as if she’s ready to move on from this Earth. Understanding this concept and writing this entry caused me to just finish balling like a baby because I got images of amazing times with my grandmother and just remembering her laughter. As a kid and even a teenager I spent years just being angry with life, a lot of that anger was centered at her and being confused; generally not understanding everything around me. That’s what the enemy can do to us… distort the reality and play on insecurities but more importantly feeds and breeds on confusion. We all lived together: my grandmother, dad, mom, sister, brother and me at one point. Then we split and I just didn’t get it. For the longest it was hurtful and bugged me so much that my family was split up. Then the hurt turned into anger. Reflecting back now as an adult what wasted energy and time. All I can do now is focus on the now and the fact I love my grandmother so much and think she’s a phenomenal God fearing woman and I’m blessed to share genetic markers with her.
My grandmother is the strongest woman I have ever been blessed to be around. She’s the epitome of a fighter. She’s holding on and there’s a part of me that questions if she’s doing this because of how much we all love her and her believing we may not be okay with the idea of her passing. My grandmother is the type of woman that would walk through fire for her family. She is the type of woman that would grow supernatural strength to move a bus with her bare hands. My grandmother has been blessed with two daughters, six grandchildren and three great-grandchildren in the 90 years she’s been walking on this planet. She’s the matriarch of our clan. Everyone looks up to her and admires her. She is truly adored. The idea of not having her on this planet is unfathomable on one hand for me. However, at some point we must all exit Earth. I believe that God has blessed me with the strength and acceptance to be okay somehow despite balling like a baby just now. I thank God for the amazing creator and Jesus every time I remember to do so. I have been praying for a spirit of peace and acceptance for my family with Jojo*. It was also awesome to ask my SubD family to pray for my grandmother as well. SubD stands for set up and breakdown, which is a division I serve on at MVMNT with some super amazing people. Any beautiful readers out here who took time out of their day (or night) to read this entry, thank you. I pray these words were only uplifting and that you are always seeking the spirit of peace and acceptance from within always. If you can throw in prayers for my family as well that would be greatly appreciated. God loves us all so much. Be blessed world. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
* name changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy