Seems like forever since I’ve expressed myself in written form. It also appears that a lot has happened emotionally; as I experience overflowing awareness thanks to you not giving up on that nudge you’ve been trying to get me to pay attention to. I’m excited that I’m finally taking Be Transformed. When you first put that in my orbit right after I got saved last year; I was so uninterested. My immediate thought was “oh okay, sure a class will transform my mind that drawing closer to you by prayer, mediation and reading the word can’t? Whatever. Bye.” I was so unopened to the concept originally then last winter something clicked. It was right around the time we had that scare with my mom’s health. Whatever it was, I’m grateful that I’m now taking the classes. Last week’s orientation was an eye opener in itself so my excitement factor anticipating the next nine weeks is at an absolute all time high.
It’s bittersweet that my first class is this Friday, April 17th because it’s also the same night as #Compel1000 at my young adult ministry I serve in. I love serving and attending the services. It never gets old for me to express that this ministry saved my life. At least I’m blessed with the ability to set up and still be apart of creating the beauty of this anointed ministry. The vision of reaching as many souls as possible takes the amazing army and warriors that volunteer. Although I’ll be missing the next 6 meetings, being transformed is more important because I realize it will remove the scales that I’m currently unaware are covering my eyes. The removal of them will make me a stronger daughter to the king to understand even more how to effectively be obedient instead of questioning as I’m obedient. I’ll just say yes.
This week’s assignments have already shed skin. As naive as this sounds I didn’t believe I’d see this ‘so called transformation’ until I was in like week 4 or 5. I haven’t even experienced the first class yet, you God have already rocked my world. The biggest lesson that stood out the most, without ruining it for anyone who plans to take Be Transformed is inherited sin goes beyond ancestral history. It’s the feeding of bad habits that are our distorted beliefs continue to fester. It’s so important to be cautious what you feed your mind because it pours into the realm of actions and behavior. What I think I do. As odd as this seems I experienced a newer level of understanding this concept. That’s why it’s so easy for me (and I can only speak for me.) to stay in my pool of bad habits even if they’re destructive. I know them. That’s the bottom line. The unknown is an extremely terrifying galaxy.
I thought I ‘passed the fear of the unknown stage’ such lies. I’m no better than anyone else that has difficulties opening up to a new person or whatever they personally struggle with. Apprehension of change is universal; it just looks different in all of us because we’re all uniquely wired. Opening up to someone new (at least on some level) isn’t something that I personally struggle with. I struggle with seeing that God is shedding habits I didn’t realize I had and I see this by the scales falling rapidly. It’s uncomfortable because I’m left asking who’s walk with Christ Crysta now? “Everything is disappearing that I know.” What do I do until God shows me what’s next? It’s rattling yet I’m at peace because there’s no better emotion than what I’ve experienced this past year: being completely anchored to God. As I dance with him and he carves me to be the likeness of what he created me to be for all seasons that lay ahead. I don’t understand these two completely different emotions happening at the same time inside of me and I really want to. It doesn’t make sense that a human can experience two polar opposite feelings.
I have serious control issues. I didn’t realize how deep they ran before this past week, everyday was a clearer vision and scales falling. I finally realize that I have the ability to put an unfair and unrealistic expectation to those around me because my corrupted belief is they should know better. If I am unaware, so are they. Blindness is that… being in the dark. Humans are flawed and won’t always get it right. Sin in it’s truest form is missing the mark. We are wired to miss the mark and our blueprint of life, also known as the bible has shown clear examples of this fact. It didn’t change then, it’s not going to change now. The difference now is to aspire to be more like the one who gave it all for us: Jesus. Is it easy? Absolutely not, people try the Jesus lane. There’s so much that hit me since last Wednesday’s orientation that I’m surprised that my head didn’t explode. I’m content in this season of singleness and all other experiences God has me going through but I’m also petrified. This is an enigma that blows my mind. Because God isn’t a God of confusion or fear. The only way to seek clarity is to pray, mediate, spend time with God and read my blueprint that he has designed for us all.
God you continue to bless me with revelations. I’m beyond grateful you’re showing me the why behind these newly known behaviors that I project so that ultimately these loops can end. After the first homework of Be Transformed, it became clear why it was important to understand the reasoning behind behaviors. It now makes sense why I can be a person that loves so hard and naturally want to mom a situation because it taps into my nurturing side; yet I can be aloof and completely disconnected. This occurs because I deeply despise being hurt or feeling pain. And this is where my controlling side kicks in. These emotions are my protectors. I can withdraw from hurt and let the facade take over because I don’t feel. Pain really sucks. It’s so easy for me to withdraw within myself to prevent from feeling. And to an outsider it’s not easily seen. I’m okay with being open when it doesn’t hurt but the moment it does, I clam up and shut down. That can seem very confusing to an observer. It took this morning to realize this is a loop I’ve been stuck in.
When I was worldly and not respecting my temple, I’d use my body to not feel because the act of sex was always a black out–numbing experience. I never admitted this before now. The broken psyche of worldly Crysta believed sex was her key to experience that love she was desperately searching for. She also believed her validation came from man as well. Words used to paralyze me. They sting from people I love but I understand it’s because I do want them to think positively of me but if they don’t; I won’t shatter like I believe I would in the past. Only God disowning me would shatter me and he’s proven he never will. Ever. When using my body didn’t work and I still didn’t feel this love I was desperate to have; I didn’t make the connection that I never will get it from a guy. Especially a guy that God never planned for me. That’s how the numbing and blacking out during sex happened over time. I deep down hated the idea of using my body to feel this so call love I thought was going to happen. It always felt off but couldn’t pin point why. People used to laugh at me when I told them before I was saved that I never really cared for sex. So I stopped saying it and pretended that I did.
The moment I stepped foot in #392FultonStreet I felt that love I was chasing and I was consumed by an overwhelming peace. I blurted out this has to be God. Then I said why do I know that. And I felt confused. I just kept coming back. I was addicted to this ‘God feeling’ at least back then that’s what it was. Surrendering my life on last year’s Compel Night was the biggest and greatest moment of my life. That’s why I’m so sad I’ll miss this year seeing other beautiful souls understand the recognition that God is love. But I understand God you need me to grow. I’m in awe that I’ve already seen that Be Transformed will show me scales falling on a recurring basis as long as there is breath in my body. It’s also showing me that leaning on the supernatural wisdom strengthens my vertical relationship with you Abba. I need you God. I’m a hot mess without you and will just do dumb things.
I wish I understood or remembered this yesterday. This was apart of lesson number 2. Feeding emotions of surface information grows scales and blinds you. Something on the surface that occurred made me shut down and retract from Harper* and every action has a reaction. This dude and what I feel makes me feel like I’m in a rocky boat. The intensity of these emotions aren’t logical to walk with Christ Crysta or worldly Crysta. At least worldly Crysta chased dudes and was aggressive and used her body. When I see Harper* I’m an awkward dweeb that wants to run for the hills because he makes me feel like that 16 year old all over again with her huge bifocals. I’m inexperienced all over again around him. And then worldly Crysta ‘fell for a guy’ after sex because that hormone was released from her brain and she believed she felt the attachment to the guy she had no business giving herself to. That’s a logical scientific explanation in believing in a falsified “forever” connection. I’d even understand if I was lusting after Harper* but I’m not. I don’t even think about sex when I look at him or when I’m around him. I think about what’s his favorite biblical book and why? What’s his favorite go to verse when he’s down and out? What are his go to worship songs? I wonder if I can kick his butt in NBA 2K. Did he play Zelda growing up? Does he know about that Earth Worm Jim life? Like seriously who thinks of these things especially around a good looking guy like Harper* I do.
I go through the toss up of being excited about these feelings and where they will lead to being scared and confused because nothing is clear. It’s just a lot of leaps of faith and no definitive answers when it comes to Harper* and I don’t like that. That’s not tangible. Then again, you’re not tangible God. This is hard. I’d rather shift focus on just you but I keep waking up through your grace with him on my mind and heart praying for him to always walk with you and grow stronger in his faith. Like what’s really life. I’d never guess I’d be capable of not aggressively approaching someone that peaks my interest far less feel what I feel. Aggression doesn’t even cross my mind when it comes to him. More like: Man talk to me. Me run now. Based off of my experiences these feelings don’t make sense. They feel like I stepped into an alternate universe. The only consistency that keeps me grounded is the fact that I’m anchored to God.
It doesn’t change the fact that these feelings scare me. It feels paralyzing because I can’t control them; they’re complete free-fall. So I ask these questions in my head that I know God can hear but he totally doesn’t answer me. What if we evolve from hi and bye church people to friends? Or the evolution after that, friendship to dating? The idea of dating Harper* petrifies yet I want to be married someday and give my husband a village of world changers as we edify the kingdom. He leads, I follow. Like duh Crysta, that can’t happen if I can’t get over these fears. I honestly think it’s because I don’t know how to do any of this the right way. God’s way. I also need to allow myself to truly understand I’m not supposed to know what God has written in it’s entirety. Then there’s that deep rooted number one fear of becoming who I used to be. I’d honestly rather do missionary work for the rest of my life then see that occur. But you shot down every attempt to leave God. Apart of me is really comfortable with Harper* staying fictional in this blog box. The fearfully faithful side wants to just go full throttle and see where this all leads. That side wants to eject the punk train I’m riding so hard. Because the fearless side walks on pure faith and believes it’s him no matter what the horizontal says or my eyeballs and ears pick up. As scary as this is I want to be held accountable to rise above this all and always desire to be spiritually lead in all situations so I completely minimize reacting. I don’t want to conform to the corrupt beliefs anymore. Truth and wisdom should be my discerning and not my fears or reacting in flesh.
Love your daughter.
Thanks for reading beautiful eyeballs. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
*Name changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy