God I hate this.
I hate that I’m always complaining to you about the same things over and over again.
I hate that I’m always apparently nitpicking Jojo* because all I see is her holding onto cancerous habits and desperately seeking attention and it sucks.
I hate that my brother is so beautiful on the inside that barely anyone sees it and he searches for validation in toxic people and toxic things. That is Idolatry and it sucks he should be clinging to you. Anyone that clings to anything or anyone other than you is practicing idolatry.
So where does that leave me? I think everything sucks. My parents being broke and their health being not so great all just sucks. And yet they just continue to feed their horrible vices: drinking and overeating.
My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is obese. I beg you to fix them and have them on fire for you. Nothing changed. I’m tired of asking. I don’t see the point anymore.
My brother didn’t change and I’ve been praying to you about these three people since before I surrendered my life to you a year and a half ago. I had more faith in change for them before the surrender.
But then yesterday happened and all I could see and focus on is two defenseless kids that had no way of stopping their angry dad or his abusive words and hands.
Regardless how I feel I immediately cried out to you until I started crying myself. I didn’t stop praying until you brought help. I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing. All I focused on was those babies being protected.
And then you brought help and I got to be your warrior and that felt like everything. It made me love you all over again on a deeper level and say yes yes yes. This is why I ride so hard for you Abba. Moments like this. They’re the best ever and send a shock-wave of revival in my weary heart.
My faith has a slight flicker and twitch now. And then I remember it’s in your word. Cease without praying. 1 Thessalonians the book of prayer. At least that’s what I see it as. And Galatians the book of faith the one you had me mediate in but I stopped because it got too real. And there’s so many other books that are popping up in my head that I didn’t even realize I remembered.
I haven’t spent time with you in our regimen. I’ve been tired and I’ve been so disappointed that you’re dragging your feet with my brother and my parents and this horrible money situation that keeps getting worse. Praying isn’t making it better it just keeps getting worse.
You’re not a buffet type of God so why are my prayers being answered selectively? In the order of your triage not mine. The forever solution of my parents doesn’t exist because they keep shooting themselves in their feet. How is that not triage? Why is my brother struggling with substance abuse not triage? Why why why?
How about going a step further and thinking about the world why just why? It breaks my heart thinking how defenseless I am to personally and actively just go save these kids. Feed them and love them and be the example that you are love. You are the way, the truth and the life.
Being an active example is the most beautiful way of stripping scales on your children’s eyes that do not see. That do not understand the option of the greatest love ever. You are the only real and true love.
I can’t believe that even being disappointed I go so hard for you. Even when you strip everything that makes sense to me from me; I trust you in my pressure points. I’m a diamond you are molding to your will not my theory. I trust you when my back is against the wall. I don’t break even when it feels like I am; all I’m doing is resting in your wings. That’s the consistent theme. That’s my instinctive heartbeat.
And I don’t want to talk about Harper*. Everything about him pisses me off. I hate this season. I hate that I hate he’s with someone else. I hate that I don’t want to kill her but actually keep praying for her vertical because she’s not looking up. Neither is he.
I can’t believe that you won’t change my heart because on the surface and to my naked eyes this is pointless. My feelings are pointless. They’re together building a life. The end and on to the next. Why am I writing about him?
But you keep telling me other stuff God and where my faith muscle is being stretched. And I’m looking at you like you’re crazy. Their verticals are not where you need them to be. What does that have to do with me? Neither of them do not showcase peace; again, what does that have to do with me?
I still don’t understand how I have it despite losing three family members in a two month time frame. Like what? Ugh the way you’re preparing me is scary because that means apparently I can handle this and everything you’re throwing at me. But I don’t want to.
Harper* is a triage that I don’t see makes sense because of his actions and what he’s shown me with verbal and nonverbal. So my indifference wall and iron clad contract to seem unfazed is in tact.
But I’m very fazed and bothered and hurt and I don’t think that’s fair. And I don’t want this to be a blog post out there in the world of exposure. Where I’m vulnerable; I’ll be seen and my contract will be null and void. Please keep this between us. It makes more sense yet somehow it may find a different home. Whatever.
Yet, yet yet you have me on what seems to me an eeee eeeee fire starter crazy status Abba. Walking on faith and not by sight with Harper* and I’m like do you see what I see God??? Because what you’re telling me to do makes no sense. Pray, love and believe in someone that’s building with someone else. It’s absurd and stupid and I hate it and it sucks. I feel like an idiot. Then I remember the vessel you used at the greatest weekend of my life: MVMNT Retreat 15. “It always looks stupid when you’re in the middle of it.” Absurd obedience makes me feel stupid. Clearly my feelings don’t trump you.
Doctors fix impossible triages. I’m not a doctor so this Harper* triage isn’t a triage that belongs to me or shouldn’t according to me. And you keep reminding me that you’re the creator who created doctors. So there’s that. You call the shots. Not me, ugh let your will be done.
This the most ridiculous conundrum ever.
But supernatural is my real. That bubble popping was a challenging reality to accept. But I did it because I walk in the anomaly cloak you created me to breathe in. I’m your Romans 12:2 daughter.
I love you God. From your stubborn daughter.
This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy