Lazarus 

I really don’t want to be here sitting down and talking about this. I really thought I was past these emotions and honestly I didn’t even realize that I felt this way. I feel blindsided and baffled with this newfound understanding I associated Harper* with Anderson.* Is that why I said no thank you to Harper* since day one? Is it also why I was partially relieved when you told me God the results of April before it even occurred?

There was a part of me that was actually happy. Happy! Happy that I was devastated all this time because it meant he’s not in my space; he’s over there not near me where I’m vulnerable to him. Where there would be a window for him to hurt me on an even deeper level; and worse than anything Anderson ever did. Because that meant I didn’t have to deal with another Anderson* and you’d redirect me God to a great guy like Jared* since he was already promised to someone else. You can get me another one. You’re God. You can do anything. You resurrected Lazarus.

I would never have to deal with an Anderson again. I can’t. He was so manipulative and such a pathological liar: he made me feel so dirty. He made me feel like I wasn’t enough as I was. He messed with my friends. He wasn’t faithful to me. Sex was all he cared about. He completely perverted the bible and flipped up my head.

I felt like I was six feet under, consumed with the dust you created us from; clawing to reach to the surface to no avail. I wanted to die. I was already dead on the inside. Matching all of Crysta to be dead just made sense. Everything in my life at the time felt impossible and being with him made it feel like a death trap as if he was the grim reaper. As if I was Lazarus except Jesus wasn’t coming four days later.

Anderson wasn’t supportive and didn’t care at all about me otherwise he wouldn’t have gone after people who I thought were my friends. Especially while being with me. One of them being Jojo* at the time we weren’t as close as we are now and ironically after the Anderson asteroid we became best friends.

She was the only one there for me after I got out the hospital. I was there for two weeks. Maybe more it’s unclear, these are crappy painful memories I don’t want to address; but this is the only way the stone will be rolled away. I feel like I have a log stuck in my throat. If this is the only way I can do my ugly hop to Jesus then I say yes. Jesus is worth anything and everything.

A beyond brilliant sermon was ministered through one of my favorite vessels on Earth: Tim Ross at Misfit on Friday. He ministered to us on John 11. The way this vessel brings the word to life is beyond a gift Abba. Thank you for being determined to roll away his stone and resurrect him. The world needs him so much. I went to misfit with Naomi* and Jojo.* That was such a blessing we laughed until we cried. I love laughing until my belly hurts. Abba these women are such a blessing in my life. Thank you for this sisterhood and forever fellowship because saying these words doesn’t seem like enough.

When you just say yes to God and step out of his way, God will always surpass what you want; because what you need is so much better than anything imagined. Anything you’re clinging to fight for and hold onto isn’t worth it. Specifically if it’s not God-ordained. It blocks your beautiful blessing because it’s laced with brokenness. God heals the broken pieces so let him.

Hop to the voice of Jesus and let him surround you with God’s children that will unravel you not bondage you. Lazarus was wrapped in bandages even though everyone knew Jesus was coming. They all fell into the trap of paying attention to how it looked on the surface. Lazarus was dead in his flesh and his flesh decayed away but his spirit wasn’t. That belonged to God. Always has and always will.

There’s no where on this planet where we will ever be prevented from feeling the presence of God. There’s no escaping our creator ever. That’s the best comforter we could ever be blessed with. Lazarus’ spirit was going to be birth and revived simultaneously. Because when God glorifies, he does it in a big way.

That’s my struggle with Harper* I see him with Anderson* traits. I’m paying attention to the decay and allowing what I see to paralyze me in fear and it makes me want to shut down and shut out. So I fight you God. And we wrestle because I can’t be the broken suicidal girl that stopped eating and hated how she looked and bent herself backwards ever again. All because of a manipulator.

Anyone that’s good with words can manipulate; that’s why I hated working in the legal world. The lawyers I worked with sucked as humans; manipulated left and right and they just left a bad impression imprinted on my heart. That’s beyond idolatry that’s worse than death. It was worse than being raped at 19. I can’t go back to that person. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than be her ever ever again. I’d rather will flying bullets as a bullseye to my temple. Jesus is enough. Jesus is my savior God. I’m okay. I’m safe without Harper.* What I see scares me.

I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be sitting here with the amazing sisters you blessed me with: Jojo and Naomi crying my eyes out telling them how I don’t want to talk about this stone being rolled away. Be resurrected in this area. I don’t want it rolled away. I want to stay decayed and dead. I’m safer here. At least it feels that way.

And I won’t have another Anderson in my life. That way I don’t face this. I don’t feel this. I don’t remember the darkness. I don’t have to relive me trying to hurt myself or crying for three days straight. Or chopping off my hair. I don’t have to remember any of it. I don’t have to close my eyes and feel this. Like if it was just yesterday.

As if I’m back to that broken girl that locked herself in her room for three days straight. Brushing this area of my life to the side is so much easier. Just admitting all of this to Jojo and Naomi made me shut down after drying my eyes. Naomi picked up that I immediately lost my appetite. I felt the repulsion of food tonight. The idea of me eating or drinking anything made me want to vomit tonight.

I hate triggers. This all occurred because of Jojo’s blog post triggering these memories and emotions. Food just looks like an enemy right now. I didn’t know how Naomi expected me to eat the food without throwing up on her face God. I just wanted to fade into the chair. I’m sorry Abba if that disappoints you, considering how amazingly blessed I was by Tim Ross on Friday night. And you’re just you God.

I don’t want to push past food being disgusting to me right now. I don’t know why you have so much faith in me God. I don’t have it in myself; that’s why I lean on you for support. Because you’re literally the only reason I’m not flatlined. You’re my everything constant one. I don’t want to ever disappoint you or make you sad so I ate the food.

But this burning fire in my chest you have going on in me for weeks now what’s up with this? I cried; so what am I missing? I don’t get it God. What’s it in relation to? And why can’t Jojo or Naomi tell me since they both know? All I see when I look at Harper right now is Anderson. I can’t stress that enough. Naomi says Harper is not Anderson but how does she know that? That black hole I barely survived; I’m so in love with you God why would a black hole have my heart? Or why do I feel like he’s a black hole? That’s not fair. You were there when I was with Anderson. Only you got me away.

And honestly if you didn’t make me blurt out that Jared* was going to marry a white woman the day I meet him; it would not have always stayed at the back of my mind. It served as my invisible blocker to see Jared as anything other than a guy I’m helping.

You knew that I put him in the unavailable glass house because of how I love and value relationships. But I only love and value the ones that are of you God. The ones that aren’t. I just keep in prayer. And I have faith that you will work it out as you deem fit. Jared’s such a great guy and Jojo’s* right he did want to give me the world. Because it was in his eyes; I just ignored it because of what I blurted out the day I meet him. Thank God I did because he’s with the one he was always meant to be with and he’s so happy.

Jared wasn’t open to his wife in the beginning; he dismissed her and listed reasons left and right but they all spelled change. They spelled a stone that needed to be rolled away for Jared. Eventually, Jared was open to his wife and now they’re so blessed with a gorgeous baby.

At least my heart would be safe according to me. Jared got his HEA (happily ever after) doesn’t mean I will. And that’s okay, Jesus is still my Lord whether my prayer gets answered by that special day or not. Jesus is still going to be enough for me because I’m a follower not a fan. Fans like and only expect to be answered. Fans praise when they only see rainbows. Followers praise no matter what.

Abba I’m not even sure why I’m even writing this. I still feel me struggling to hop to you. I feel the bandages burning and molding to my skin because I’ve been wrapped so tightly by past hurts and traumas. It was so much easier to push it to the side and not face or deal with this.

Abba I say yes to your will. I’m scared and fear isn’t of you. I don’t know what else I could be triggered by; but I know sugar is a trigger for me besides Harper and Anderson. I avoid sugar like the plague because I don’t want to end up like my mom. She’s getting worse Abba. She’s diabetic and her hands shake and she moves so slow. And I feel so stupid for walking on big faith you’ll turnaround her health.

My brother and sister already started mentally preparing themselves for her death so has my dad. All of this just pisses me off. She’s here like what’s up with that?! I’m tired of crying and I’m tapping out and begging for help. I’ll keep hopping my ugly hop to you. I want this stone gone and I want to be resurrected like Lazarus. I just say yes Abba. You lead the way.

Thank you for being my way when there wasn’t any Abba.

Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself and I still have hiccups now.

Thank you for being determined to have my bondages removed because I’m yours and no one else’s.

Thank you for being my constant one and meeting me and taking me as I am.

Thank you for it all.

Including this extremely uncomfortable season. God thank you for being with Jojo and Harper. You know every hair on their heads and every emotion they feel. You also know their real names. Whatever stones they have an iron grip on please push them to release them; so they can be abundantly blessed by what you’re longing to give them. Your will be done.

Thank you for being our Abba. Thank you for Lazarus and the amazing glorification that’s still happening today through that testimony; we all have stones that need rolling away. We all have decayed flesh that only Jesus can renew better than before so hop your ugly hop to him so that he can surround you with vessels that unravels.

I live for you and love you constant one.

Your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Horde

Horde is an interesting association and correlation to your homosapiens Abba. It’s actually a perfect word to connect your children. Despite what’s currently occurring in the world, and all the heartbreaking circumstances; you sent Jesus to die for all of us and that makes us all yours no matter what is transpiring.

Your horde is an uncontrolled throng. That’s why there’s so much chaos and confusion going on. You’re not a God of confusion just order. Therefore many of your children don’t know they are walking around with scales on their eyes not clinging to you; but the sky’s the limit to the worlds well hidden tricks. They come in all sizes and forms.

A good deed during vulnerable moments for a man are crucial times. It can be anything like helping the man get to a goal like winning a contest or helping someone get promoted in a job. It can cloud a mans judgement especially if it’s a woman helping them and by their side during these midnight hour moments. The horde around you may or may not have good intentions.

Always check the motives behind the person helping you. And always use discernment when you hear the answer. Only the spirit gives you truth not your misleading emotions. Because: If we’re not chasing you Abba then we are chasing an idol and idols are of the world. Idols answer in an idol way. It may take a while to discern the distinction; the fact of the matter is a liar runs out of tricks. Ask Satan. Satan moves from horde to horde because his limited affects always runs out.

That’s how I was able to break away from Anderson* you saw I wasn’t budging with Edward* so you removed him. The company you keep always speaks incredibly loud through actions. Actions are consistent even if the words are all over the place and clouded with a season of backsliding fornication. Edward “was my husband” for three or four years can’t remember anymore because I’m no longer that broken girl. I can only speak as a woman but when a woman builds a dynamic with a man and then has sex with him an attachment occurs.

My beautiful scientists have realized why women get attached to men more then men get attached to women. We release a hormone from our brain: endorphins and they feel somehow in our mind that the hormone went to the guy we had sex with; so we develop this nurturing and possessive quality that makes us think the man is ours. I thought this was a stupid fact and I was partially determined to blow it out the water. So I did.

I had two one night stands because at this point sex became a means to an end. I’d pick up how much the guy wanted me which slightly stroked my ego but it wore off so quickly and the sex wasn’t even that great. I ignored the emptiness I felt.

The insane kicker was both these men wanted to make me their girlfriend one had money the other one didn’t. The one that had money wanted us to go to Paris for two weeks and said he’ll pay for my unpaid days at work. I looked at him like he was crazy and told him I wasn’t a call girl; and he informed me he didn’t see me like that. I’m a keeper. I was the best he ever had…. It was all nonsense to my ears. It pissed me off that he said I was a keeper because he didn’t know me so how does he know I’m a keeper? He got overbearing and I eventually had to change my number.

The other one was just so emotional about me ending it before it began. I thought I stepped into a twilight zone. He told me I was his best too I was like wow nobody of the world knows amazing sex. Because we aren’t supposed to that’s why; and only through God can everything be amazing. And aren’t women only supposed to act like this irrationally attached homosapien after sex?

That was all done without consulting you of course but you let me rock in my rebellious horde role because you’re using it for your glory now. You’re a genius Abba as if you didn’t know. I love you constant one. God will always win. Your daughters that struggle don’t have to experience or walk through what I did. It’s so unnecessary and we are more precious than gold to you. Plus you are the controller and we are your horde Abba. Not Satan’s, never was and never will be. His lies will eventually clear out. They did for me and you’re still clearing out because you love us all that much.

There was another guy named Jared* I mentioned him once I think in a far older post. I used to work with this guy on the job I meet Jojo;* we did door to door sales for two years. Jojo was convinced Jared was in love with me. You blocked me from seeing it and I understand why now. Jojo is right he wanted to get me at a vulnerable moment to swell me up with his babies. I never got why he’d always joke around with me being his wife one day or me being the mother of his children we never dated.

According to me, but apparently in his mind all the time we spent together was us building momentum to dating; and I missed the memo because he never told me. I thought he was being nice taking me to all those nice places. We never did anything he’d sometimes talk about my boobs because he admitted he was obsessed with them. I don’t get the hype I wanted a boob job and he talked me out of it because he said they were perfect.

Anderson wanted me to get a boob job though. He wanted my outside appearance to look how he wanted; and it made me so uncomfortable. I wasn’t being me. I forgot who I even was. Those intimate moments with Jared* I redirected. I would mention girls that I knew liked him to change the subject.

I didn’t get Jared’s attachment to me because we never did anything together. Jojo says it’s because I stuck by his side through thick and thin at the job and made sure he got promoted. All I did was see his potential and cared enough to push him there. That’s it. Wouldn’t any homosapien do that though?

I sized up the job and figured out what hindered him from getting promoted so I pushed him away from it. I submitted to him letting him think he was coaching me but I was just managing up. It’s a great tool I learned when I worked with those ridiculous lawyers for three years. God you use everything for your glory. I can’t believe Abba you made me teach Daniel how to manage up. I thought I was doing it for Elizabeth’s* sake but he does it to me too! He’s so smooth with it. Better than me. It’s annoying but I’m glad you planted him in my life and I have another amazing brother. Well played God.

Jared kept asking me what my motive for helping him was and I said I don’t have one. I just believed in him that’s it. I wanted to see him succeed because I didn’t see anyone else rooting for him. He didn’t know how to receive that and just got weird with his awkward jokes. I let him live. His mind got clouded in the sense he thought I was his wife. But deep down it just felt off. It felt off with every man including Edward, especially Edward. It doesn’t feel off with Harper* maybe that’s what scares me. How natural he feels like home. That’s scary and annoys me because he’s doing him. And you literally took away every man I attempted to remove Harper out of my heart. But he gets to do him?! Fine. I’ll just say yes, keep leading the way God.

When I was still determined to marry Edward, I thought it made sense to still continue; despite realizing the more times we were intimate the more it became harder to ignore the overcompensation and the deep rooted unhappiness. Edward started feeling like someone else’s husband and I tried fighting that feeling God.

Because it made me think about who’s with my husband now? How would my future husband feel knowing I was with Edward determined to marry him; and throw away any chance I had with the man God created me for? The man God created me to protect his heart because only I’m his rib. And any imitation will never do. If it didn’t work for me it won’t work for him. Something will always feel off. It can be ignored for so long. Then God steps in.

Being with Edward started feeling like I was suffocating because you were popping my bubbles left and right Abba. The horde I was determined to keep, you removed from my life. You always remove what’s not of you. If it doesn’t glorify you it’s eliminated from your children’s lives. Jojo has a theory and they’re usually spot on; that Anderson* went after me because he saw how Jared felt about me and he was jealous of him. I dismissed it because I thought it was ridiculous.

I never fully trusted Anderson suddenly befriending me though. But I dismissed it. I felt like I got sucked into a dark world wind because I remember never being attracted to him and saying heck no. But his play on words and him figuring out quality time is my love language reversed that no to a yes. Thank God you used that season for your glory.

Doing that sales job was the greatest learning tool of my life. I learned how to trust you God even when I wasn’t walking with you like I am now. God you showed me time and time again during that season you were with me. You used that experience for your glory to make me a better daughter for your kingdom.

It heightened that specific gift you keep growing which is great. At the time I didn’t know it was a gift. I just thought I was insane. Now I realize I’m not. And I’m not alone. Thank God. I’m grateful I have company and siblings that chase the supernatural like I do: Daniel*, Naomi* and even Jackson* have this gift. Jackson isn’t in my life right now so only you know Abba if he realizes what’s going on. He could think he’s crazy. Poor guy.

It was interesting breaking the news to Daniel* I still remember to this day his denial reaction as Naomi* and I were laughing at him. It’s not an accident the four of us have this gift nor is it an accident that 3 out of the 4 are close. You’re deliberate God. You deliberately make me write these posts. You’re deliberate with everything I do as you are with allowing everything that’s happening now with the rest of your children.

You may not approved of everything I did in the past but I see you using it for your glory now; and I understand with conviction you covered me when I had scales on my eyes rolling with the horde I did. That’s why you allowed those moments. You always knew your name would be magnified. Even my wrestle in resistance with Harper* is being used to magnify your name as I continue to walk under your wings of guidance.

Clinging to control is an idol. I am completely baffled by that reality check. My resistance in the Harper* area is control. I don’t like I don’t understand any of it. I can’t stand how it looks. Can’t stand how I feel about him because it’s not aligned with how I developed feelings or “loved a man in the past.” However you knew this God. And this is why I’m in this moment now. You need me to connect that my understanding of loving a man isn’t how you created me to love a man. Especially the man I was carved for. In the past I’ve loved men tangibly and superficially going off of what I see and know by doing.

You’re the embodiment of love. You don’t dwell in superficial or in the tangible. Sure you can enter anyone and tangibly use your children to minister but it occurs through the spirit and that’s supernatural. Therefore love can only be supernatural. And that’s beyond logic only understood as you baby spoon feed us by walking us through this journey. That means my preconceived hypothesis on love is invalid. I’m finally okay with that and accept this fully. I still say yes to being your idiot then being a genius of the world. This is a pit stop anyway.

I’m telling you with my actions you’re crazy and this Harper conundrum isn’t happening. Who am I to tell you that? You’re bigger than me, him and the one he’s with now. What you say goes. You will get your way. For all we know this son of yours is under the same ideology of love and basing it off of his understanding like I was. For all we know this son of yours is under the same understanding that Jared was because I just helped him get promoted. It’s not an accident that Harper walked through a similar experience I did with Jared and he’s now engaged. Because I stuck by Jared’s side that equaled wedding bells for him. I knew I wasn’t his.

Every time I asked Jared did you ask God to guide you on what you need in a wife not what you want?? He always looked at me like I was an alien. Jared was tangible with me and didn’t consult God through discernment. Jared thought we were going to get married based off of what he knew and what he wanted not what he needed. Harper is doing the same thing isn’t he God?

I always knew we weren’t for each other, because the day I meet him I told him he was going to marry a white woman and he was mad. I was weirded out I blurted that out to him. But guess what? He’s married to a white woman now. And they have a beautiful baby. And he’s happy. He looks happy. Praise God. Jojo made me stop talking him. I see why that was necessary for his walk and mine. Thank you Jojo.* His wife or baby would’ve  kept being delayed. It was always her and never me.

Now I repent. I’m crazy for not remembering how big you are. I also repent for being a brat with these back to back posts you birth through me because they are bigger than me regardless how I feel. I say yes. Your will be done.

I’d like to believe I’m retiring my brat cloak but I’m still unsure so keep baring with me Abba. Your definition of idolatry is putting something or someone above you. Attempting this control in the Harper area is above you when it comes to me so that means that it’s an idol. Not he’s an idol because you kept dismissing me telling you that’s how I tried categorizing him. That’s what I had him as for so long because I was trying to control and make sense over an area of my journey you’re still working out. Proceed, I’m stepping to the side now. Thank you for being determined to strip this delusion of control from me. We are the throng that you control and always will. Thank you for loving your horde so much Abba.

I love you. Happy gobble day world.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Labrador 

Labrador Tea flower has a unique birthing process. It’s a flower that grows from a rock. A rock, with minimal sunlight, it’s unclear to scientist if and how much water this flower receives as well as the uncertainty of sunlight it accumulates. So how’s this flower existing on this planet? You God, that’s how. The scientific geek in me immediately had to research this flower after reading it in my devotional yesterday and I’ve been fascinated ever since. I’m pondering the mystical wonder of your mind blowing supernatural abilities just giddy with excitement.

It’s been scientifically demonstrated that flowers grow with standard key ingredients: water, sunlight, seeds and soil but a Labrador growing from a rock is beyond amazing. The roots of this flower pushes through concrete to get to a surface and become a beautiful white circular flower. I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that this flower is the shape of your never ending love a circle; and the color that represents purity, the same purity you want all your beloved children to protect.

This is all you Abba. It’s gorgeous how you’re so deliberate with your creations and how you just amazingly show out and show up. It ceases to take my breath away. It feeds my inner nerd and my heart is overjoyed; it leaves me in a shockwave of soundless inhaling and exhilarating exhaling murmurs. You’re just majestic Abba. You should’ve let me be a scientist far away from here. Like where most of these rock creations grow: Newfoundland, Canada. You keep blocking me and Canada, what’s up with that? Canada is awesome.

I’m very fascinated with this flower, and its ability to not only persevere and push through a challenging beginning; but to still arise and blossom into its unique beauty. God you always knew it could be despite the challenges of the hand dealt.

It shows strength and a unique calling this beauty was birth to be. The circumstances of this creation makes it special. It’s not a typical rose or lily. A Labrador has a smooth leather surface and can turn into a herbal tea for healing when crushed. Broken down into multiple pieces it’s served to heal many. Something so hard to create can heal organically!? That’s just a testament to how you just do you God. Please continue with your greatness. You are who you are. And it makes me think about my current season.

I process every storm you walked me through and I reflect how parallel my roots are to a Labrador; and the process of being your chosen daughter started long before April 4, 2014. That was just the day I publicly decided to never look back. My roots barely had sunlight but your illumination had me brighter than the sun you created billions of years ago. What you were determined to have me survive regardless what I attempted, is all the evidence I needed. Because you’re God and I don’t even need evidence, but you’re gracious enough to give it to me. I’ll forever praise you’re Holy Name.

It’s hard to process but not impossible to accept that you have a special calling on my life. The pruning season I’m currently in feels like a caterpillar removing it’s scales of dead skin that becomes free from the bondage and morph into the rebirthing of your beautiful butterfly. A complete renewal and revival.

It’s also not a coincidence that you made the most special butterfly found only in Australia the largest and longest butterfly to live: 40 days. With crystal clear wings. The same amount of days that Jesus fasted for our salvation. It’s not an accident that you created my brain to connect your beautiful details supernaturally. I’m bold enough to share the dots and draw them for the rest of your children fearlessly now as you continue to prune me. They’re too beautiful not to broadcast. Everything you allow and do is deliberate. My roots are pushing through concrete and you’re preparing me to bloom.

All adversaries around me are as challenging as rising through concrete but it won’t altar your will to have my roots emerge to the surface like your beautiful Labrador tea flower does. The journey isn’t easy but the result ends in the same unique beauty and purpose of being a flower carrying the anointed cloak of healing. The epitome of perseverance at its finest.

I can’t blossom to the surface the way you created me to formulate, if I’m in your way preventing my roots from pushing through; just because I’m annoyed with the limited information you’ve given me.

Every enigma in my life I can accept and walk in bold faith that you’re working out and the roots will result in a beauty like a Labrador tea flower. Everything I’m walking on water with except for Harper* because I don’t want to honestly. It’s not a tantalizing struggle to push through; it’s hard having roots I have no control of feeling or having when blossoming to the surface isn’t appealing. I’d rather stay blended in the rock until the surface seems worth blossoming to. This isn’t. He isn’t because it’s not an outcome that wants or understands the beauty of a Labrador; so why are you grooming me for a man that wants a lily or a rose? They’re easily found, easily attained and I’m not. Not everyone is ready for a rare breed or appreciates one.

Why not groom me for a radical man that actually wants and appreciates the unique beauty of Labrador tea flower? Doesn’t that make more sense Abba? I think so. But I’m not you. So I can’t make this decision for you. If I could I would follow his lead to do me like he’s doing him carefree. But you’re blocking me. You have your work cut out for you. As if you don’t know.

I was never meant to be a lily or a rose and I’m done trying to understand that appeal or worse try and be those flowers when you birthed me to be as synonymously symbolic as a Labrador tea flower. Because I love you so much and trust you Abba I’ll get out of your way as you keep guiding me to the surface in this area too. I would repent for my wrestle with these roots but I know I’ll keep resisting so just know I’m sorry and I’m grateful for your patience and grace.

I love you constant one. Love your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Love

Love is such a complicated lifestyle. I say that God because as your children we’ve been rerouted from the breath of life you formulated us to instinctively have. It’s in Genesis. The serpent lured Eve to eat from the tree God specifically told her not to go to. The serpent was evil and can never ever meet Eve’s instinctive good so the serpent lured Eve to his level of corruption: temptation. God you have so much faith in us. It’s undeserving and mind blowing.

You tempt us to prepare us. Not to fall into the trap of sin that we all fall into, especially me. I’m currently fighting my stupid heart being turned ice cold, cursing again on and off and I have spurts of desires to punch people in the face and knock teeth out. My frustration is being fed incorrectly because I’m choosing to stay here. In anger which is a secondary emotion to pain.

When I can give you these emotions. You’ll always correct them and me. But I want to rebel because I don’t want to be the bigger person anymore I want to wander off and be stupid like Eve in the garden of Eden. Where the heck was Adam?! He’s supposed to always lead and protect because you made him first and she’s the rib. She was made second. From the rib that protects his heart.

Eve’s biggest role: protect Adams heart and our hearts always belongs to you first. But Adam didn’t die in self. He didn’t put her first by rising above and protecting her. He was stupider for feeding her idiosyncrasy; and listening to the evil serpent, causing all the innate fleshly, worldly, and corrupted desires every single child of yours faces on this planet now Abba.

Man mediating on the word always leaves me in my feelings, which I hate being in, but you seem to think that’s irrelevant lately. Carry on as you do Abba. It’s my oxygen. The bible is my oxygen. I haven’t been breathing it in as frequently and been holding my breath: huffing and puffing in defiance.

It’s my first love language: mediating in the bible. I really want to know it word for word in its entirety but that’s a life quest and I need to understand the message you’re relying to me before memorization can kick in. What’s so amazing about the greatest book ever is that my comprehension will shift as you promote me from glory to glory.

The air you blessed us with, then poured into us was designed to innately gravitate to you first and foremost always. To see you and cling to your existence only. In your presence is where we dwell. It’s synonymous to resetting the tear banks in my eyes so they won’t dry out. It’s as natural as the motion of inhaling and exhaling: we cannot do one without the other. Just like we cannot love you without faith. We cannot please you without faith.

We are wired to please you. And we fall into the trap of shifting our focus off of you even if it’s for a second, the temptation has already been set in motion. Nothing on this planet will fill that desire to please for more than a temporary season. It could be anything: pornography, sex, chasing titles and status in a career or personally, getting married because it’s “time, filling in a loneliness that only God can fill, because everyone else is doing it, because we already had sex so let’s not burn in hell;” whatever the full in the blank for you is. It doesn’t change it’s a temporary season if it’s not God-ordained. If God isn’t in the center it will never feel right. It’ll always feel off and it’ll always feed the deep desire to overcompensate. Speaking as someone that’s been blessed to survive that trust me when I say it’s not worth it.

That’s what I did with the two guys I was determined to marry for all the wrong reasons. The first guy, Edward* was because I thought I was better than the girl he was hung up on and did everything for him to “prove I was amazing” no, I’m amazing because God says so. That’s it. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. God is all the proof I need now. Edward* and I were friends first, which is a step you want your daughters to execute but with the son you choose not us. It was a competition because I didn’t even like him at first. Then I said to myself fine. I sized him up with the mentality: I’ll win she’ll lose. I catered to him like a wife but wasn’t. Lesson number one: Don’t act a role God never gave you or blessed you with. It will always fail. God removed him from my life. It took a few years but he’s gone. Thank you Abba.

That broken woman I used to be needed to die. I’m grateful she’s gone. He wasn’t a man of God. And I always knew you existed Abba. I get why it’s not him and never will be. He can’t protect me or my vertical. He was a man of the world. Materialistic and had money, was already established and I hated that but overlooked it because I thought he was different. Plus you made me a builder. You made me an encourager and I love doing that. I love being that person to push your children to be their best self. But I didn’t pray it out. I didn’t seek you with Edward*.

You also made me with an extreme logic and with that said, Anderson* was the polar opposite. I said good no problems. He wasn’t fiscally established so I saw him as a pet project. We were friends first too because I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Like zilch but he was good with words. Words well put make me swoon and he figured that out; I never told him. I always knew he was going to use it against me, which is why I never told him. Masochist for the win. I’m still not sure how to this day maybe my actions but that season you used for your glory anyway. Thank you God.

Anderson* gave me a bible so that shocked me and tricked me at the same time. Totally got fooled and once again I didn’t seek you Abba. The bible to me automatically made me think we were going to get married. The wires in my cerebral circumference just went off to wedding bells. It took two years of being with him to make me see what a terrible place he was in. He never wanted to pray together and never wanted to read the bible together. I was so confused and didn’t know where to go, or who to go to. I became depressed again and suicidal again. Because he somehow convinced me loved meant isolation from people and sex. But only I was isolated not him. And it was opposite to the bible so I was all types of jacked up. I didn’t trust anything or anyone not even praying.

But Prayer is our fiduciary connection to faith. It pleases you lord. We cannot please you without these wires connecting. It’s impossible. I didn’t seek you God but you found me after I came out the hospital through Jojo* she’ll always be my rider because you used her to save me. She’s the reason I’m in Brooklyn Tabernacle but you’re the reason Abba that I know with conviction that you love me and have my best interest.

I was all about you and loving it and reading the word. Depression free and suicidal free. Until you showed me Harper* I dismissed him honestly because I couldn’t do this dark hole again. Not after Jesus. Not after feeling this amazing love I chased all my life in the wrong place: men. I know my identity is in Christ alone. I know with conviction I’m loved by the greatest man ever! So why show me Harper*?

Oh Lord oh lord… couldn’t I be in my sanctified bubble?? I wanted to be a brat and hold my breath until I got my way which is to just have Jesus and no temptation of a black hole.

I don’t want to be lead by an idiot that won’t step up and protect me from a serpents lies.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that wants to have his cake and eat it too.

It’s Jesus or the world not both.

Nothing can come with us on this planet so why cling to the things of the world?

I don’t want to be lead by a man that would rather control everything instead of trusting the greatest man ever, you Abba.

A godly man leads his godly woman vertical as they both continue to chase God and prepare for their holy matrimony to edify the kingdom first and foremost not have sex without guilt. There’s so much more to this union than sex like taking the scales off the eyes of your blinded children.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that doesn’t have you first God or treats you like a buffet of convenience.

I don’t want to love Jesus more than the man you have me for. That’s not how this works. That’s not what Ephesians 5 says. That’s not a 1 Corinthians 13 love. I won’t settle for anything less. You know this God. Because you’re pruning me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

That’s why I don’t understand this Harper* thing whatsoever. Isn’t a pair supposed to be evenly yoked?! Definitely not the case here. Such a loophole that has me tripped up and all you’re saying is trust you?? You didn’t take me out of those dark places to pair me with someone that’s not on fire for God. This man needs to be more radical than me. You didn’t block my suicides so I can be more on fire than the man you carved me for. So please hook your daughter up with clarity. I’ve been asking you for two years and you keep showing me everything I don’t want. That’s not what I prayed for.

Clearly my track record sucks God plus I told you I need five years of building my core before you showed me whatever guy you picked for me. Because people I admire in the church were single for three years before you showed them so I said no that’s not enough five years works. It’s a whole hand. Three years was a recurring theme and I wanted my own number to be just me and you. But it’s not just me and you and that pisses me off. I’m huffing and puffing Abba. Nehemiah got all his prayers answered so what about me!?

Inhaling oxygen without any release of carbon dioxide is not a part of how you wired us. The same tree you created to give us our oxygen to survive in this fallen world, is the same tree that needs us to survive. My oxygen is their carbon. We are a team. One can’t be without the other.

The way you scientifically created us is so fascinating and I still don’t get why you didn’t let me become a scientist. I wouldn’t be dealing with people and I’ll just be making this planet better scientifically. You know it’s so stimulating to my mind, that you created by the way, so hello to that desire being there and not being fed, it’s sitting with all the other ones you’re telling me no or not yet to. Absurd obedience Abba isn’t always fun, just saying.

Science should be a love language. I understand science. It should be my love language. Plus you know what a struggle it is for me to stay focus in where you have me plugged in currently. And people suck when they hurt me or worse hurt themselves. You’re making my stupid heart more sensitive and it hurts more to see your children hurt themselves. This is our rotational pattern Abba: I see and seek you. You show or confirm to me through discernment. I want to fix things then you stop me. And then I’m upset because you usually want me to do something I don’t want to do.

Why am I here again if I’m not helping your kingdom? Not here as in the planet…. It’s evident you win there. I’m here, I’m with you Abba but why am I in New York City? Why am I teaching at an urban charter middle school in downtown Brooklyn? Why do I volunteer where I do? How am I bettering your kingdom in these places??

I’m so frustrated!!!! Especially since you can plug me where I’ll really feel appreciated and fulfilling your purpose to spread the good news. Why can’t I go on a missions trip yet? Why’d you stop me from moving to Cape Verde at 24?! It was a good cause. Man you stop everything that’s why I’m just saying yes so that way my frustration doesn’t increase.

But it keeps increasing. So what am I doing wrong? Last nights sermon was amazing. Completely convicted me to start praying for Harper* again but then I got pissed off all over again and have yet to do it. He doesn’t want my prayers or me so why again is this happening? How’s it him exactly!? This is a bizarre testimony you have me walking through. It doesn’t make sense.

But at the time I walked through the Edward season that made complete sense to me. The overcompensation and that deep rooted unhappiness were ignored because “I fit with Edward* and I’m supposed to marry him.” You totally blocked that trip from happening at his family house in Trinidad. We were getting so close he was talking about us getting married. It was perfect in my mind.

I was going to get my ring that you stopped. I was mad at you for a long time but it’s a blessing and protection in disguise. Because you stopped it. I don’t know how I was so determined to ignore you. You still won. You blocked a lot when I was with Edward especially my attempt to have his kid because I knew you knew how we both felt about parenting. Looking back thank you for sparing an innocent child from entering the twisted brokenness.

Harper still doesn’t make sense, and I think you should just let this son of yours be it’s what he wants anyway. And I definitely don’t ever want to be in a dark place again. Or have broken worldly Crysta’s residue surfacing. That way I can be on fire in my sanctified bubble that you keep popping after I recreate them. It’s so much safer. But once again your desires trump my suggestions and feelings. Your will be done regardless how I feel. You love me as complicated as this looks and feels I know that you love me Abba. And I love you. I say yes to you God no matter what.

I have to just trust you won’t let me be lead by an idiot that would lead me to another black hole no matter how it looks or what I currently feel. I agree with that girl Abba. I would rather be single for the next 10 years than marry the wrong man.

This path called life is not easy Abba. Love is such a complicated lifestyle because of our past histories and genetic conditions we inherited that make it that way. It’s unfortunate because you are the embodiment of simplicity. And Everlasting life is the silver lining and hope that you blessed us to cling to. Thank you for that. Love you to infinity times infinity.

Your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Fiduciary

Fiduciary…..involving trust. Biggest part of this word Abba. The bridge that gaps the beneficiary and the trustee. This word despite being heavily needed in the legal world is a word I now associate to you Jesus. You are my fiduciary bridge that connects me to this world and your people. Thank you for walking me through this fire God.

Last night guiding me to read Luke 7 and taking the biggest lesson: you honor big faith, was not an accident. I just been so uncomfortable having all these deep buried pains and areas of ugly of myself coming out of hiding.

I felt dirty yet you cleansed me through that lie.

I felt unloved yet you held my hand tightly until I felt your presence will never leave me. You are my fiduciary gap to faith.

I felt petrified about this level of intimacy yet you’re gripping my hand being my benefactor I desperately needed. This fiduciary truth is now my reality.

This is why you kept telling me to trust you. You needed everything I hid to come to the surface. Everything I hate about myself to come to the surface. I hate that I was stupid enough to be at a place I had no business being in and got raped. Only idiots do that. A gift that belonged to the guy you carved for me was taken because I was careless. Who would want me after that?

You’re my fiduciary representative. You’re honoring my love and faith in you through all those years; when people were looking at me like I was crazy for not hating you and cursing your name because that happened to me. It happened to you too. You saw everything. You feel everything. I hurt that means you hurt. I hate myself that means I don’t even realize I’m hating you too. I can’t do that anymore. I just made that connection. I repent. Forgive me God. This is about me and you God first and foremost. We aren’t right. I cannot be right with anyone else. Thank you for loving me so much to insist this is my reality. To insist I’m not afraid of this level of intimacy with you. Everything starts with you God. Thank you for being my fiduciary representative.

There’s nothing but beauty and love in you Jesus. And you died for me. Because God loves all of us that much.

That means there’s nothing but beauty and love in me too. Because you saw all this. Know all of me better than I do. Know that the war inside of me is me fighting my big faith that you birthed me to always walk in. Not sometimes and get tripped up by horizontal glances when my core isn’t affected. I’ve been representing big faith before April, 4, 2014. It baffled me too much to believe because it made no sense.

Worldly Crysta was all about believing what she saw. Or was she? You’re showing me God that I was fighting to create an identity that was never mine. That’s why everything of the world felt so wrong. And so off. I didn’t want to be alone so I forced myself to do what I saw. I still felt alone because I didn’t trust that core you gave me God. I repent. I don’t feel alone anymore but being so vertical annoyed me because I still see to my left and to my right there aren’t enough of your beautiful children with me. It hurts. Everyone should be here. Patience and grace.

Your sacrifice is the fiduciary guarantee and promise to me. Everything that’s happening and everything that I’m feeling is all making me a better daughter.

A daughter that’s closer to you.

A daughter that just falls deeper in love with you no matter what.

A daughter that sees I truly see she loves everything she experiences because you cover me in this painful season. This fire has me unscathed and walking stronger in you despite how I feel. Because you’re the trustee that connects me. My Fiduciary representative.

I don’t have to be afraid of intimacy. You’re my lighthouse because I’ll never be lost in this sea, you illuminate everything for me. You went to death and turned on a light to tell me it’ll be okay. And it is Jesus. That’s why I’m no longer the walking dead. I no longer have to be ashamed or feel bad for deeply desiring to only be seeing, breathing and walking in the supernatural. I’ve wanted this before I understood what it was. This world was always broken, fallen and temporary to me and I never understood why I comprehend that as a child.

Because you made me that way.

You always knew I’d choose you as well. Even when I’m frustrated crying and just confused. Like last night. My bible opened to Luke 7 after I finished my Proverbs challenge for the day. You know in the end of my rants I’m running to the cross for clarity always. You wired me this way. This innate biological make up called Crysta Pamphille is bigger than me. Because I’m your vessel you’re preparing to use in a big way. Otherwise you wouldn’t trust me with what you do. Thank you for that humbling honor.

I’m no longer ashamed to be “super spiritual” yes I do take every reaction and every thought to you.

I no longer feel naked for no reason because it’s your way not my ways lord. I can’t just want you to see me if its not your will God. I said yes to you long before April 4, 2014. This fact is glaringly obvious. That’s why I couldn’t end my life. That’s why this inner war is torturous. Like Steffany Gritzinger cries out to you, I’ve been on lockdown but you always held the key. You’re unlocking me to run to you and not be afraid of intimacy. Okay Abba. Bring me out of hiding. You knew I’d be ready. Big faith.

I love you Abba.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

Grace

Grace is the biggest quality I lack in myself. You’re making that extremely clear God. Especially after Monday night. That meeting with Anabelle* was everything I needed and more. I was hanging on a thread leaving work and walking to my church crying and talking to you. So mad at you and feeling so guilty that I’m mad because I know better.

And then you blew my mind once again and used Anabelle to minister to me. She made me realize that my testimony is extremely unique and I looked at her like she’s not talking about me right God? Well she was. She made it very clear that even though God decides to accelerate teachings in me that most Christians take years to understand, I still need grace for myself because he didn’t accelerate everything. I felt a lightbulb go on God after she said that and it makes so much sense why I think it’s nuts I still feel so extremely close to you when I experience my tantrums. Grace.

Like Jojo* said the other night. I tried it. I’m trying to outwit you God by being a brat, ranting and not being in the word so that you stop giving me the revelations that make no sense. You win again, I humbly lose. You’re the greatest person to lose to anyway. During my meeting with Anabelle*, I felt you place on my heart this was a blog as well. And I would have to open up and realize truths I had no desire to deal with. So of course I avoided this moment as long as possible.

Like my eating disorder that I thought “I got rid of” what a joke right? Oh how you cover me Abba. I was so mad that you had me blurt out a secret to Naomi* that no one knew about. Like ever, no human God and you knew this which is why you’re shedding me to open up about it all up on this exposure r us tip you have me on lately. This nakedness is so real. Like all other roles you have me in, this moment is bigger than me.

I didn’t realize everything that’s been going on around me was affecting me so deeply emotionally. Sometimes I don’t even recognize the ways I try to self harm myself or shut down until you take over God. And I’m so grateful that you’ll always be bigger. It’s not an accident that Naomi* and I have identical struggles nor is it an accident that you’ve made us as close as we are. She’s my sister for life the same way Jojo* is; and that was a process. Maybe one day I’ll write about that too, until then I’ll let go as you guide me through the journey of grace.

I didn’t make the connection until it was discussed with Naomi that I use gum to cut my appetite so it can kick start my disorder. This is hard because I don’t believe I’ve ever admitted that I had this problem to such severity. I’ve always brushed it off and laughed it off but you’re really shedding me. There must be some amazing blessings around the corner. That’s something I’m looking forward to but until the meantime I’ll keep fighting in this war to choose you. And I pray this blesses the children you intend this to bless.

Admitting that to Naomi* and connecting that’s how it starts shocked me. I never made the connection as to how I’d be able to blow up and and shrink so fast with anorexia and over eating, like it never made sense until Monday night. You used both Jojo and Naomi that night to put it in my face so I can surrender this and give it to you. Okay so this is me giving it to you God and trusting that you’ll see me through this because I’m clearly not past it. Triggers are everywhere that are beyond Harper*

I miss my cousin.

I miss my uncle.

I miss my grandmother so so much.

That woman was my rock. My uncle was an original Guyanese OG that just made everything look so cool and so worth fighting for. But you took all these people away from me. One on my birthday. And I’m still here? Why? Why me and not them? That’s what I have a hard time accepting sometimes. And that’s where grace kicks in.

I thought I was past hating myself and wanting to not be on this planet because I don’t think I’m worth it. I don’t think I’m special but the peculiar twist in my theory is I truly believe you think I am God and that’s what I cling to. I walk in your truth of me and live in your confidence. That’s why I may seem confident but I’m really not. I didn’t realize that was my lifeline since April 4, 2014. And the fact that you’re making it more glaring now; is hard because you’re making me face truths I don’t feel like facing. I told you I’ll never try taking my life again since you’ve blocked all my attempts and only you are the reason I’m here God. Plus my life wasn’t mine to end and I’ve never apologize for hurting you in that way so I truly repent and apologize Abba. I love you. I really should be dead. But that’s how big you are.

Popping pills to the point of my throat burning should have killed me alone but I’m still here. Blocking not one but two attempts to jump train tracks is only your supernatural testimony to how big you are. I never wanted to talk about any of this because I can still feel the black hole I was walking in as worldly Crysta. How did I survive those emotions!? Only you that’s how. You were with me before I even knew you were lord Jesus. You made me special before I even said yes to you? I hate that I ask you why but why? Don’t you see what I see? A broken girl that fights to believe.

Grace is something I didn’t realize I needed in some areas of my life like here: wounds that are not fully healed because I buried them so deeply. Not fully accepting that I have a hard time letting go of “if it doesn’t make sense I don’t trust it,” which is exactly why you designed Harper to not make sense at all. You love me so much that you need to keep showing me how big you are.

You’re the same God that stopped both me and my brother from ending our lives multiple times. You’re the same God that saved my dad from his total car accident when he drove drunk. You’re the same God that protected me and my mother when I was driving us in a storm that prevented me from seeing anything in front of me as she was fighting me. All I kept chanting was Jesus take the wheel. And it felt like seconds later the storm literally stopped and we were in front of my sisters house. I still don’t know how we got there to this day. Actually I do, you. You need me to understand that you’re bigger than big and that you have me and everyone I love. And my deepest hearts desire to see them all on fire for you will occur. You’re perfect timing not mine. So I’ll cling to that truth.

Thank you for showing me because I’m so impatient with myself it completely spills into other areas of my life. You’re making me go lower on a newer comprehension. You’re making me realize that I have to meet people where they are in terms of their perspective not meet them to carry them to mine. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that’s what I’ve been doing with so many of your children; they just don’t get some of the things you’ve literally just planted in me from day one of my salvation. Everyone’s walk is different. You used Anabelle as a vessel to relay this truth to me. You also made me realize that if my brother was saved now he wouldn’t grow in Christ. So you protect him as he’s not walking with you until your timing is right. Thank you God for making me a believer in that area. I needed that so badly because my brother is everything. I love him so much. I’d die for him. But I get that’s not your will just putting that out there.

I also realize it’s also not an accident that myself, Jojo*, Daniel* and Naomi* are all going through really painful shedding seasons. That’s your doing you must be setting us up for a pretty massive season that’s around the corner. It’s also not an accident you kept using me to present the same themed message of being active in pushing through what we know verses embracing the unknown. I wasn’t doing that as strongly as I could. At the same time I belittled myself because I know better. Where’s the grace for myself I need to remember that I’m still a baby Christian regardless of the point you have me. I honestly forget God. But you made me remember today talking to Jojo, Daniel and Naomi. It’s a moment to moment process. So I’ll let you keep teaching me grace moment to moment.

Thank you for your endless love. I love you beyond comprehension Abba.

Love your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Psychosocial 

Harper* being engaged is so messy. Is it wrong that it bothers me so much? I think it is because I have no claims to this son of yours. Except a promised made two years ago. If that’s the case, I demand an explanation. I don’t understand the purpose of their relationship getting this far this fast? It doesn’t make sense to me plus I really hate it God. I am so happy that I’m at the space where I completely trust you; and that you have this under control. It doesn’t change how bothered I am or my insecurities attempting to be triggered. Why her and not me? Why does his actions and decisions affect me so much? We have no relationship so none of this makes logical sense.

I hate that you’re making this yet another post God. Vulnerable, raw and exposed. My recurring theme for the past week. You’re sure demanding and ensuring that my indifference wall is dismantled completely.

Harper’s* current season makes me think I’m too old. I’m too tall. My eyes aren’t beautiful like hers. I don’t have light brown hair. I lost my singing voice. My speaking voice isn’t raspy as hers. I wasn’t aggressively and persistently in his face like her: chasing him. He who findeth… Not she. So, did I do the wrong thing in falling all the way back? All these questions God and you’re just telling me to trust you.

It hurts and bothers me that people around Harper* support this relationship. They support this engagement. It hurts that he’s not serving in church as much as he should or used to God. You made all of us with a servants heart. It hurts that he said no to growing in God with me. Why did he prefer to build with her? Why does it appear he’s dancing in the lane of the world and all that comes with that dangerous fire with her? Why doesn’t he look happy and just a guy going through the motions?

I know I’m far from perfect and I definitely don’t have any grounds to say I’m faultless but keeping my purity intact is so important to me. I don’t believe in non married couples going away together. It’s messy and tempting and grounds to introduce and commit sin. This was one of my biggest issues when I was worldly.

I never cared for sex especially after being raped at 19 so the concept of sex just repulsed me. I was supposed to stay a virgin past 19. That wasn’t supposed to be taken from me. My husband was supposed to have that. Then things just got weird and I became so in a shell wearing all black bagging clothes completely isolated. Seeing everyone around me having sex and me hating it. I wanted to die. I tried dying but you stopped those attempts.

Then at 23 I decided without consulting you that I would stop being weird and force myself to have sex. The first few times were torturous and then I had to numb myself to get used to the agony. If I’m real with myself I might still have an issue with sex because I like to dismiss intimacy all together and just go to sex, that’s what men want so get to the bottom line, right? The mantra of broken Crysta. Witnessing this season of Harper* doesn’t help these pasts hurts God and you know this.

And then you showed me what true love is by pulling me out of my depression and being suicidal. And I was the happiest daughter alive. Me and you forever. I wasn’t even focused on a guy or even getting married. Yet I longed for it one day. In fact I told you two years ago that it’ll be me and you for five years. Then you showed me Harper* and I dismissed him. I said no thank you “he will make me crazy.” But you kept creating little deposits of moments between us that are memories replayed on my heart. And now I just feel forever marked. How’s this fair that I’m marked by him and he’s engaged to someone else?

I’m completely affected and marked alone. Because he got to dismiss me and move on with his life. He’s obviously happy on whatever level he tells himself because when a man spends money on a woman then they’re serious about them, right?…. Isn’t that the alpha male saying? Abba, I demand answers. You keep making me put myself out here the least you can do is meet me with an answer with the love and comfort you give me.

This hurts. You know how serious I take marriage God and how serious I take building a committed relationship. You’re making me blindly trust you when it comes to Harper* and it looks so bad. So so bad. Like I’m mental for believing this man is going to be my husband one day. Especially after what was communicated by him. I already feel mental for loving him because I haven’t built a relationship with him. Elizabeth* and Daniel* have actually build a dynamic and so has Ezekiel* and Naomi*. Their love makes sense. I don’t even know how Jojo* doesn’t feel mental for loving a man she had one conversation with.

This is all mental like it has to be? Or does it? Everything I know of love was learned from my broken experiences and observations living in this broken fallen world. Since being your surrendered daughter; I have noticed that the more I look up the more everything I’ve ever known is taken away and dismissed because it doesn’t align with your supernatural abilities. You are love so only your definition of love is valid. Not any human walking on this planet because only you are the creator Abba.

Then that makes me trip up Abba in the sense that most of your children on this planet are sleep walking including the ones that are saved because they’re leaning on their flesh and not the discerning truth of the spirit. Is that what Harper* is doing??

Is forfeiting the tangible seem that impossible to us all? If that’s the case then why do you have so much grace and patience for us masochists who self hate and self torture? Am I mental for believing its Harper? Or is he a masochist that doesn’t know how to be happy? Which one of us is spot on and which one of us is deluded in self torture? It’s hard for me to see its Harper* because of all the evidence in front of me; but it’s not hard for me to see my siblings future walk of matrimony.

Is Daniel* crazy for holding onto God’s word saying to trust him and love Elizabeth* who will be his wife one day when she’s a self torturous broken daughter that does everything in her power to hurt Daniel*? Yet she can’t live with out him? God I see that Elizabeth* loves Daniel*.

I believe in them she’s broken and hurt and it’s hard for my brother Daniel* to see that this woman just needs him to hold on. And let God work in her. As he covers her in prayer. That’s it. Elizabeth* doesn’t know how to receive Daniel’s* pure love but God is working it out. I wish I had that. I have a man engaged to another woman that rejected me. That’s hard to ignore. It hurts and I feel mental.

What about Ezekiel* and Naomi* They’re so stupid over each other and so in love they literally don’t know what to do with themselves. Ezekiel* never had such an incredible woman like Naomi* to love him without any motives and no agenda. She just purely loves him and he doesn’t know how to receive that so he sabotages.

It’s hard for Naomi* to see that because she’s the receiving end of his broken stick but all she has to do is hold on and let God work in him. That’s it. They’re so it for each other it’s clear as day and I see it. God it’s not the same for me. I’m not trying to compare and I repent if I am but things look so hopeless and it’s just so hard because it’s just getting worse God. I’m praying and it’s getting worse that’s why I stopped praying because I didn’t see the point because you were making it worse.

And finally Jojo* and Jackson*… She sees him for the son to the king that he is. Not an artist. The son to the king. That’s it. His whole disposition lights up when he’s near her and he stares at her with such love. She’s got it the easiest. Just waiting on Jackson* to grow a pair. Man if I had that. That’d be awesome.

I know I’m getting dangerously close to comparing but these couples factually have love and will work out. I’m hanging on to blind faith with a bleak and foggy flat line. At least that’s how it looks and feels. And then you’re making me be open about this and took away my cloak of invisibility. What’s up with that?? I understand that you keep telling me to trust you and ignore the surface but you keep making it worse. I feel like Brooke Fraser’s song psychosocial. Completely mental.

You’re the God that rose Lazarus from the dead. You’re the God that blessed us all with the Holy Spirit that resurrected our savior. So why can’t you end the season that Harper is currently in if you say he’s mine? All I need is a muster seed of faith… Why did you even allow him to be with her? And then you allowed them to get engaged? How does this help my love story with him God? According to you we are going to have one. Unless I’m mental. Completely and totally mental.

Can you even blame me for having all these questions and having to fight this doubt when people like Tamar* believe in Harper’s relationship? Why am I the only idiot that believes what you’ve been telling me is true about Harper* and I? I just come off like a psychosocial mental moron.

You’re not making it happen and I’ve been coming to the throne over and over again so what gives? I’ve accepted the other promises you’ve shown me about my finances that are on hold. But my brother and Harper* are hard to see because they’re so important in my heart and all I want to see is them soaring and on fire for you God. Being the lighters you’ve built them both to be. That’s not what’s happening for either of them God. One isn’t saved and the other one isn’t as close to you as they both should be, Harper* can’t be looking so aloof and indifferent as if he’s passing by and be on fire for you. It’s impossible unless again he is and I’m just mental.

So why was my brother out all night drinking? You’re not a liar but you’re also making me live and witness these two very difficult situations you informed me was the complete opposite of what I see. Yet it’s just hopeless looking God please end it.

I’m tired of being sad and crying for these two men. Fix it Jesus. It feels like you’re stringing me along and that’s not like you God. I need clarity and I need it now. So move. I’m done feeling mental and sticking out like a psychosocial sore thumb. Don’t bless me with another birthday and have these two men in my heart in these seasons still. I’m counting on you to move them into the lighting seasons you’ve created them to be in.

Love you to infinite places times an unknown number, your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Bold

Growth is fascinating God. The past few months I’ve been pushing through the back to back storms that have been piercing my heart and soul completely electrifying them. All those weeks you walked me through I felt like I collapsed into the dust you formulated me from.

My brother in and out of the hospital. My uncle dying. My cousins dad dying by a freak accident fall. And then my beautiful cousin who taught me how to walk in grace died. Out of no where! I was done God when I found out. My age. My age God dead just like that. Done. I checked out from being a human and you made me check back in. I was mad at you for taking her. I was mad at you for making me check back in. Her faith in you was so inspiring. She pushed me to be a better daughter to you. And then you took her away from me and her husband and their two small children. Why God? Why?

I completely understand that we all must leave the body and this isn’t the end; but she had so much more to give here on this planet. This input is according to me of course. You give you also take away. The same way you took your time creating my beautiful cousin, on October 12th you decided to end her stay here on Earth. You wanted your daughter home. The bottom line is: what you say goes.

You keep pushing me God. You’re making me so uncomfortable because losing her made me look at how precious and short our time here on this planet is. Makes me think about a specific promise you told me,. What you showed me two years ago about Harper* you said what you said and it’s the complete opposite of what’s transpiring on the surface in the horizontal. For the longest it’s been tripping me up. So I’ve been fighting and attempting to ignore you regarding this area but you’re making it harder and harder to do so.

Some magical click happened this morning heading to work. Boldness. Fearlessness to mention him without worrying about the surface or paying attention to a realm you don’t dwell in. I’m no longer inclined to be dictated by the moves and actions of what I see or hear; especially since you’ve been consistently showing me the same outcome for the past two years.

It was all apart of the growth process you have been walking me through. I’ve been miserable Abba. Not understanding my feelings whatsoever when it came to Harper* On the surface of Crysta she was composed and vertical. On the surface completely unfazed about April. But behind closed doors I was falling apart and crying out to you and just not getting why you made me do certain things regarding him if these feelings were going to be a one way traveling street. Why couldn’t I shake or get past this occurrence. Or him for that matter? Because I’m not supposed to. That’s why.

It annoyed me he was so important and something I couldn’t shake especially because he looked like he was living unaffected and I was so bothered and so affected. It was a playlist looped in repeat. Driving me completely nuts. But that couldn’t have been seen on the outside. Oh no, my pride found this notion unacceptable. And I never even consulted you God about how to handle my emotions. What I should have done was surrender my feelings to you right away. Unfortunately, I did what I do best: be indifferent. Only my closest knew: Jojo*, Naomi* and Daniel*. They can read me like a book.

Why did my feelings just kept growing? After I specifically begged you to carve him out my heart because I told you he had to be flesh. Since it wasn’t reciprocated. But you did the complete opposite of carving him out my heart God. You’ve wanted me to do this post since April and I ignored this prompting because my pride got in the way and I am so sorry God. I repent. Fighting you is exhausting. I am raising my white flag. I want to listen to you and only you and no longer pay attention to what I see. I’m embracing the growth you’re maturing me to.

l was assuming you were ignoring me God but you were just working in my heart and carving me not just for my future but for your kingdom. I’m not the same daughter I was in April. I’m not even the same daughter I was yesterday. You continuously use everything I breathe through for your glory to magnify your kingdom. You have made me more sensitive to the spirit and you’ve increased my levels of grace, patience and love. I love loving your people Abba. In all moments even in the frustrated ones. Like I’ve been recently expressing its still all beautiful and amazing.

Thank you for loving me enough to prune me to always take all to you. Good, bad, and other because you work all good things for your children and you’re the God of clarity. Not confusion. You always clear my confusion. Because you’re not a God of confusion, you’re a God of order. Paying attention to the surface is confusion and you don’t dwell there. So I’m going where I’ll find you.

The reality is our life was never ours to begin with. You were gracious enough to allow us to believe we had any control. How can we when we didn’t make ourselves? You hand crafted us to be perfectly made with no fear. So all this time I’ve been trying to control feelings you planted in me, which means I can’t control them and I honestly don’t want to anymore. You see everything I only see the now and a surface you repeatedly keep telling me to not trust so I won’t anymore.

Losing my cousin switched something inside of me Abba perhaps it was apart of the growth you’re walking me through but there’s this boldness that wants to make its feature debut whether I’m ready or not. There’s this shove of confidently free falling and completely embracing the unknown. Thank you God for your patience. Thank you God for your grace and you waited on me, you meet me, came to my level; you are so beautiful God.

I got really comfortable doubting certain visions and promises you’ve shown me about my family and Harper* because of what it looks like now. You showed me my brother will be saved and faithfully serving you in a big way. He won’t be the suicidal broken son that hides in drugs and in and out of the hospital because you are not a liar. So it’s time I boldly believe in these promises. I choose to stop fighting you and hold onto the visions.

In regards to Harper* I can’t be prideful about expressing myself because an outcome leaves me the only one completely exposed. So what, that’s my role and I say yes. And you use everything for your glory God even if I misunderstood you. I say yes to you. I would rather be an idiot for you than a genius of the world. So I’m done paying attention to his current actions and his current moves. I say yes to what you told me about this son of yours. I’m bold enough to believe it and hold onto it now.

Absurd obedience Abba, me and you. I’ll stay invisible and you work out the visible. I’m ready to perfectly trust you and stay focused on the vertical vantage point you’ve been trying to get me to focus on for the past two years. Not me asking the questions you’ll answer in your time, not mine; me accepting this growth. This beautiful role. My purpose. Your will. It will all be done because you are God. No one is bigger than you.

I’m ready to say yes to everything when it comes to this son of yours as you work in him during this season. It’s the same way you’re working in me and evolving me. Thank you Lord for making me a better daughter that’s fearless and bold enough to hold my head up high in the invisible and not hide anymore. Bring it on God and let’s keep moving as you keep evolving me to be your bold vessel.

I love you beyond comprehension, love your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Enigma

Dear God,

It’s so ridiculous that the body is necessary for me. All my trajectory can focus on are the moments when I do need the body and those are the exact moments my loneliness is on full display and painfully factual. No one gets it is, my constant playlist, and that feeds my isolation.

Unfortunately you created a loophole in me God…my genetic make up sucks because I can’t control this innate desire to be around people and need them. People suck, hurt you and are wired to do so. It’s on repeat.

This is all your fault God. This is how you made me. And then these moments OH forbid me to the infinite power that my feelings are focused on. No, I’m tough so that’s usually dismissed, which is why I hate being vulnerable yet you’re ruining my coping mechanisms. What exactly is the purpose of that? And then you have the audacity to make me sensitive to their crappiness.

For some eccentric reason to my naked eye you want me raw and open. And the amazing kicker is that’s when you decide to surround me with your children that need encouragement? Be a broken weary vessel? Really?? How entertaining. That’s really cute God because I really want to tell them not so nice phrases and temporarily leave my walk in Christ lane to do not so Christ like things. I’m no cupcake either.

The nerve. Just because I’m tough doesn’t mean I’m not someone that needs comfort too. The assumption is insulting the fact that I’m always the person that’s leaned on is a great honor and I humbly say yes. This means you trust me God but it’s also exhausting and lonely, very lonely.

What about me? Who’s there for me exactly when I need them without me having to rise above and take the half baked cookies thrown my way and swallow an incomplete recipe? It tastes bitter, rushed and has no tender love. I must always accept half effort? So that’s my role in life? Let me know so I can beg you to show me how to do this because this isn’t working. When will I get to experience a moment to eat well baked cookies that just melt in my mouth? When will I have an opportunity to savor the taste because it was baked with love. Baked with care and the attention to detail was effortless?

You know another annoying thing is that you make me go above and beyond for everyone like everyone. Especially when I don’t want to. And when I fall short I’m persecuted verbally. No grace yet I have to give it? Be a fence God because nothing is making sense. I’m tired of repeating myself.

Absurd obedience like okay God I say yes. Because walking in no was dark and dangerous this hurts too but I have a relationship with you and you actually take me as I am. And you meet me. And you make me better, and I’m forever indebted to you and your faithfulness even in the eye of my frustration your love is endless and you’re just beautiful God. I love you. Even in my annoyance you’re my first choice because you first choose me. That will always baffle me. And leave me awe in wonder. No matter my current emotions.

Guess this is all apart of this pruning process you’re walking me through that completely sucks. I’m sick of this season when will you take me out of it? I’m sick of everyone around me. Some shape or another they all hurt me and I’m tired of them. When I’m hurt I naturally want to be mean and hurt everyone back. Reform to my old ways of being cold and cutting people with words or just out of my life. I’m sick of everyone except for Daniel* for some reason you won’t let me be sick of him I don’t know what the purpose of that is. I like helping him so get him to listen more and he’ll be straight but I’ll keep meeting him like you’re guiding me to.

Not sure if he’s supposed to mirror the one I don’t want to mention because I’m so over that non logical enigma. I’m over everything. It is eerie how alike Daniel* and the unnamed one is. Even if it’s glimmers I still see it.

What’s up with my convo with Daniel* tonight doing stuff to my chest like your pressing something on my heart about unnamed one. I rather believe it’s heart burn and I need almond milk. If it’s not, I’ll wait for clarity because leaping regarding him doesn’t work and isn’t appreciated. I’m done. I think I feel stupid enough and looked pretty foolish already. Don’t you think? Clearly if I have to do something else that makes me look like an idiot I say yes because it’s your will. Regardless how I feel you tell me to do something God I’ll do it.

And every time I’m upset and feel so down and out the books of Job and Jeremiah pop in my head. What’s up with that? I’m definitely not always praising you every moment because I fight being pissed at you. So there’s that. You have what plans to prosper me exactly? I get it things take time okay so why do I have to be in New York for this clearly lengthy preparation you’re putting me through. Everything sucks here. Why can’t you just stop preventing me from leaving? I’m much more appreciated and useful doing missionary work. Or anywhere but here.

Can you please tell me what was the purpose of all I experienced with unnamed one was for? Aren’t you tired of me saying this makes no sense? I’m tired of saying it because you’re not a God of disorder. Like when will this enigma start making sense isn’t two years enough?

I’m tired of feeling like a crazy person and if I’m supposed to do something then I totally missed your message. Can you beam down and slap me in the middle of my forehead and say exactly whatever it is you want me to get. I’m tired of not getting it. I have to not be getting something. Something has to be off right?

I’m so over everything didn’t I just finish writing a blog about this? What’s left to say? Seriously? I’m sick of Jojo’s* insensitivity and what’s up with everything becoming about her? I’m sick of Naomi’s* insensitivity as well but more of her inability to stay focused on what I have to say and listen to me with full attention.

The crazy wild thing God they both need me to be understanding and patient and listen and graceful yet they do not always give that to me. Seems like an unfair balance. I honestly didn’t want to be bothered tonight and that’s why I didn’t go to Tuesday night prayer. I’m tired of this season and you’re not changing anything so what am I supposed to do change my perspective? Well show me how to do that then because I’d rather be in peace then feel any other emotion regardless your decision to answer my petitions or not.

And yet I’m supposed to give you thanks in everything. Do you know how hard that is to do right at this very second? Everything seems so hard, so lonely and it feels like I’m not getting something. As if I’m a disk that cannot be read because the CD rom and motherboard have no connection despite all the wires crossing and everything being in tact. So where’s the error coming from?

Fix it. I just want you Jesus everything else in between hurts and I’m uninterested because people suck. I’m over all them. I’m tired of hurt and and needing the body can’t we negotiate my needs? Like not need them as in people?

Love your weary daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeanProPrivacy