Enigma

Dear God,

It’s so ridiculous that the body is necessary for me. All my trajectory can focus on are the moments when I do need the body and those are the exact moments my loneliness is on full display and painfully factual. No one gets it is, my constant playlist, and that feeds my isolation.

Unfortunately you created a loophole in me God…my genetic make up sucks because I can’t control this innate desire to be around people and need them. People suck, hurt you and are wired to do so. It’s on repeat.

This is all your fault God. This is how you made me. And then these moments OH forbid me to the infinite power that my feelings are focused on. No, I’m tough so that’s usually dismissed, which is why I hate being vulnerable yet you’re ruining my coping mechanisms. What exactly is the purpose of that? And then you have the audacity to make me sensitive to their crappiness.

For some eccentric reason to my naked eye you want me raw and open. And the amazing kicker is that’s when you decide to surround me with your children that need encouragement? Be a broken weary vessel? Really?? How entertaining. That’s really cute God because I really want to tell them not so nice phrases and temporarily leave my walk in Christ lane to do not so Christ like things. I’m no cupcake either.

The nerve. Just because I’m tough doesn’t mean I’m not someone that needs comfort too. The assumption is insulting the fact that I’m always the person that’s leaned on is a great honor and I humbly say yes. This means you trust me God but it’s also exhausting and lonely, very lonely.

What about me? Who’s there for me exactly when I need them without me having to rise above and take the half baked cookies thrown my way and swallow an incomplete recipe? It tastes bitter, rushed and has no tender love. I must always accept half effort? So that’s my role in life? Let me know so I can beg you to show me how to do this because this isn’t working. When will I get to experience a moment to eat well baked cookies that just melt in my mouth? When will I have an opportunity to savor the taste because it was baked with love. Baked with care and the attention to detail was effortless?

You know another annoying thing is that you make me go above and beyond for everyone like everyone. Especially when I don’t want to. And when I fall short I’m persecuted verbally. No grace yet I have to give it? Be a fence God because nothing is making sense. I’m tired of repeating myself.

Absurd obedience like okay God I say yes. Because walking in no was dark and dangerous this hurts too but I have a relationship with you and you actually take me as I am. And you meet me. And you make me better, and I’m forever indebted to you and your faithfulness even in the eye of my frustration your love is endless and you’re just beautiful God. I love you. Even in my annoyance you’re my first choice because you first choose me. That will always baffle me. And leave me awe in wonder. No matter my current emotions.

Guess this is all apart of this pruning process you’re walking me through that completely sucks. I’m sick of this season when will you take me out of it? I’m sick of everyone around me. Some shape or another they all hurt me and I’m tired of them. When I’m hurt I naturally want to be mean and hurt everyone back. Reform to my old ways of being cold and cutting people with words or just out of my life. I’m sick of everyone except for Daniel* for some reason you won’t let me be sick of him I don’t know what the purpose of that is. I like helping him so get him to listen more and he’ll be straight but I’ll keep meeting him like you’re guiding me to.

Not sure if he’s supposed to mirror the one I don’t want to mention because I’m so over that non logical enigma. I’m over everything. It is eerie how alike Daniel* and the unnamed one is. Even if it’s glimmers I still see it.

What’s up with my convo with Daniel* tonight doing stuff to my chest like your pressing something on my heart about unnamed one. I rather believe it’s heart burn and I need almond milk. If it’s not, I’ll wait for clarity because leaping regarding him doesn’t work and isn’t appreciated. I’m done. I think I feel stupid enough and looked pretty foolish already. Don’t you think? Clearly if I have to do something else that makes me look like an idiot I say yes because it’s your will. Regardless how I feel you tell me to do something God I’ll do it.

And every time I’m upset and feel so down and out the books of Job and Jeremiah pop in my head. What’s up with that? I’m definitely not always praising you every moment because I fight being pissed at you. So there’s that. You have what plans to prosper me exactly? I get it things take time okay so why do I have to be in New York for this clearly lengthy preparation you’re putting me through. Everything sucks here. Why can’t you just stop preventing me from leaving? I’m much more appreciated and useful doing missionary work. Or anywhere but here.

Can you please tell me what was the purpose of all I experienced with unnamed one was for? Aren’t you tired of me saying this makes no sense? I’m tired of saying it because you’re not a God of disorder. Like when will this enigma start making sense isn’t two years enough?

I’m tired of feeling like a crazy person and if I’m supposed to do something then I totally missed your message. Can you beam down and slap me in the middle of my forehead and say exactly whatever it is you want me to get. I’m tired of not getting it. I have to not be getting something. Something has to be off right?

I’m so over everything didn’t I just finish writing a blog about this? What’s left to say? Seriously? I’m sick of Jojo’s* insensitivity and what’s up with everything becoming about her? I’m sick of Naomi’s* insensitivity as well but more of her inability to stay focused on what I have to say and listen to me with full attention.

The crazy wild thing God they both need me to be understanding and patient and listen and graceful yet they do not always give that to me. Seems like an unfair balance. I honestly didn’t want to be bothered tonight and that’s why I didn’t go to Tuesday night prayer. I’m tired of this season and you’re not changing anything so what am I supposed to do change my perspective? Well show me how to do that then because I’d rather be in peace then feel any other emotion regardless your decision to answer my petitions or not.

And yet I’m supposed to give you thanks in everything. Do you know how hard that is to do right at this very second? Everything seems so hard, so lonely and it feels like I’m not getting something. As if I’m a disk that cannot be read because the CD rom and motherboard have no connection despite all the wires crossing and everything being in tact. So where’s the error coming from?

Fix it. I just want you Jesus everything else in between hurts and I’m uninterested because people suck. I’m over all them. I’m tired of hurt and and needing the body can’t we negotiate my needs? Like not need them as in people?

Love your weary daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeanProPrivacy

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