Growth is fascinating God. The past few months I’ve been pushing through the back to back storms that have been piercing my heart and soul completely electrifying them. All those weeks you walked me through I felt like I collapsed into the dust you formulated me from.
My brother in and out of the hospital. My uncle dying. My cousins dad dying by a freak accident fall. And then my beautiful cousin who taught me how to walk in grace died. Out of no where! I was done God when I found out. My age. My age God dead just like that. Done. I checked out from being a human and you made me check back in. I was mad at you for taking her. I was mad at you for making me check back in. Her faith in you was so inspiring. She pushed me to be a better daughter to you. And then you took her away from me and her husband and their two small children. Why God? Why?
I completely understand that we all must leave the body and this isn’t the end; but she had so much more to give here on this planet. This input is according to me of course. You give you also take away. The same way you took your time creating my beautiful cousin, on October 12th you decided to end her stay here on Earth. You wanted your daughter home. The bottom line is: what you say goes.
You keep pushing me God. You’re making me so uncomfortable because losing her made me look at how precious and short our time here on this planet is. Makes me think about a specific promise you told me,. What you showed me two years ago about Harper* you said what you said and it’s the complete opposite of what’s transpiring on the surface in the horizontal. For the longest it’s been tripping me up. So I’ve been fighting and attempting to ignore you regarding this area but you’re making it harder and harder to do so.
Some magical click happened this morning heading to work. Boldness. Fearlessness to mention him without worrying about the surface or paying attention to a realm you don’t dwell in. I’m no longer inclined to be dictated by the moves and actions of what I see or hear; especially since you’ve been consistently showing me the same outcome for the past two years.
It was all apart of the growth process you have been walking me through. I’ve been miserable Abba. Not understanding my feelings whatsoever when it came to Harper* On the surface of Crysta she was composed and vertical. On the surface completely unfazed about April. But behind closed doors I was falling apart and crying out to you and just not getting why you made me do certain things regarding him if these feelings were going to be a one way traveling street. Why couldn’t I shake or get past this occurrence. Or him for that matter? Because I’m not supposed to. That’s why.
It annoyed me he was so important and something I couldn’t shake especially because he looked like he was living unaffected and I was so bothered and so affected. It was a playlist looped in repeat. Driving me completely nuts. But that couldn’t have been seen on the outside. Oh no, my pride found this notion unacceptable. And I never even consulted you God about how to handle my emotions. What I should have done was surrender my feelings to you right away. Unfortunately, I did what I do best: be indifferent. Only my closest knew: Jojo*, Naomi* and Daniel*. They can read me like a book.
Why did my feelings just kept growing? After I specifically begged you to carve him out my heart because I told you he had to be flesh. Since it wasn’t reciprocated. But you did the complete opposite of carving him out my heart God. You’ve wanted me to do this post since April and I ignored this prompting because my pride got in the way and I am so sorry God. I repent. Fighting you is exhausting. I am raising my white flag. I want to listen to you and only you and no longer pay attention to what I see. I’m embracing the growth you’re maturing me to.
l was assuming you were ignoring me God but you were just working in my heart and carving me not just for my future but for your kingdom. I’m not the same daughter I was in April. I’m not even the same daughter I was yesterday. You continuously use everything I breathe through for your glory to magnify your kingdom. You have made me more sensitive to the spirit and you’ve increased my levels of grace, patience and love. I love loving your people Abba. In all moments even in the frustrated ones. Like I’ve been recently expressing its still all beautiful and amazing.
Thank you for loving me enough to prune me to always take all to you. Good, bad, and other because you work all good things for your children and you’re the God of clarity. Not confusion. You always clear my confusion. Because you’re not a God of confusion, you’re a God of order. Paying attention to the surface is confusion and you don’t dwell there. So I’m going where I’ll find you.
The reality is our life was never ours to begin with. You were gracious enough to allow us to believe we had any control. How can we when we didn’t make ourselves? You hand crafted us to be perfectly made with no fear. So all this time I’ve been trying to control feelings you planted in me, which means I can’t control them and I honestly don’t want to anymore. You see everything I only see the now and a surface you repeatedly keep telling me to not trust so I won’t anymore.
Losing my cousin switched something inside of me Abba perhaps it was apart of the growth you’re walking me through but there’s this boldness that wants to make its feature debut whether I’m ready or not. There’s this shove of confidently free falling and completely embracing the unknown. Thank you God for your patience. Thank you God for your grace and you waited on me, you meet me, came to my level; you are so beautiful God.
I got really comfortable doubting certain visions and promises you’ve shown me about my family and Harper* because of what it looks like now. You showed me my brother will be saved and faithfully serving you in a big way. He won’t be the suicidal broken son that hides in drugs and in and out of the hospital because you are not a liar. So it’s time I boldly believe in these promises. I choose to stop fighting you and hold onto the visions.
In regards to Harper* I can’t be prideful about expressing myself because an outcome leaves me the only one completely exposed. So what, that’s my role and I say yes. And you use everything for your glory God even if I misunderstood you. I say yes to you. I would rather be an idiot for you than a genius of the world. So I’m done paying attention to his current actions and his current moves. I say yes to what you told me about this son of yours. I’m bold enough to believe it and hold onto it now.
Absurd obedience Abba, me and you. I’ll stay invisible and you work out the visible. I’m ready to perfectly trust you and stay focused on the vertical vantage point you’ve been trying to get me to focus on for the past two years. Not me asking the questions you’ll answer in your time, not mine; me accepting this growth. This beautiful role. My purpose. Your will. It will all be done because you are God. No one is bigger than you.
I’m ready to say yes to everything when it comes to this son of yours as you work in him during this season. It’s the same way you’re working in me and evolving me. Thank you Lord for making me a better daughter that’s fearless and bold enough to hold my head up high in the invisible and not hide anymore. Bring it on God and let’s keep moving as you keep evolving me to be your bold vessel.
I love you beyond comprehension, love your daughter.
This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy