Harper* being engaged is so messy. Is it wrong that it bothers me so much? I think it is because I have no claims to this son of yours. Except a promised made two years ago. If that’s the case, I demand an explanation. I don’t understand the purpose of their relationship getting this far this fast? It doesn’t make sense to me plus I really hate it God. I am so happy that I’m at the space where I completely trust you; and that you have this under control. It doesn’t change how bothered I am or my insecurities attempting to be triggered. Why her and not me? Why does his actions and decisions affect me so much? We have no relationship so none of this makes logical sense.
I hate that you’re making this yet another post God. Vulnerable, raw and exposed. My recurring theme for the past week. You’re sure demanding and ensuring that my indifference wall is dismantled completely.
Harper’s* current season makes me think I’m too old. I’m too tall. My eyes aren’t beautiful like hers. I don’t have light brown hair. I lost my singing voice. My speaking voice isn’t raspy as hers. I wasn’t aggressively and persistently in his face like her: chasing him. He who findeth… Not she. So, did I do the wrong thing in falling all the way back? All these questions God and you’re just telling me to trust you.
It hurts and bothers me that people around Harper* support this relationship. They support this engagement. It hurts that he’s not serving in church as much as he should or used to God. You made all of us with a servants heart. It hurts that he said no to growing in God with me. Why did he prefer to build with her? Why does it appear he’s dancing in the lane of the world and all that comes with that dangerous fire with her? Why doesn’t he look happy and just a guy going through the motions?
I know I’m far from perfect and I definitely don’t have any grounds to say I’m faultless but keeping my purity intact is so important to me. I don’t believe in non married couples going away together. It’s messy and tempting and grounds to introduce and commit sin. This was one of my biggest issues when I was worldly.
I never cared for sex especially after being raped at 19 so the concept of sex just repulsed me. I was supposed to stay a virgin past 19. That wasn’t supposed to be taken from me. My husband was supposed to have that. Then things just got weird and I became so in a shell wearing all black bagging clothes completely isolated. Seeing everyone around me having sex and me hating it. I wanted to die. I tried dying but you stopped those attempts.
Then at 23 I decided without consulting you that I would stop being weird and force myself to have sex. The first few times were torturous and then I had to numb myself to get used to the agony. If I’m real with myself I might still have an issue with sex because I like to dismiss intimacy all together and just go to sex, that’s what men want so get to the bottom line, right? The mantra of broken Crysta. Witnessing this season of Harper* doesn’t help these pasts hurts God and you know this.
And then you showed me what true love is by pulling me out of my depression and being suicidal. And I was the happiest daughter alive. Me and you forever. I wasn’t even focused on a guy or even getting married. Yet I longed for it one day. In fact I told you two years ago that it’ll be me and you for five years. Then you showed me Harper* and I dismissed him. I said no thank you “he will make me crazy.” But you kept creating little deposits of moments between us that are memories replayed on my heart. And now I just feel forever marked. How’s this fair that I’m marked by him and he’s engaged to someone else?
I’m completely affected and marked alone. Because he got to dismiss me and move on with his life. He’s obviously happy on whatever level he tells himself because when a man spends money on a woman then they’re serious about them, right?…. Isn’t that the alpha male saying? Abba, I demand answers. You keep making me put myself out here the least you can do is meet me with an answer with the love and comfort you give me.
This hurts. You know how serious I take marriage God and how serious I take building a committed relationship. You’re making me blindly trust you when it comes to Harper* and it looks so bad. So so bad. Like I’m mental for believing this man is going to be my husband one day. Especially after what was communicated by him. I already feel mental for loving him because I haven’t built a relationship with him. Elizabeth* and Daniel* have actually build a dynamic and so has Ezekiel* and Naomi*. Their love makes sense. I don’t even know how Jojo* doesn’t feel mental for loving a man she had one conversation with.
This is all mental like it has to be? Or does it? Everything I know of love was learned from my broken experiences and observations living in this broken fallen world. Since being your surrendered daughter; I have noticed that the more I look up the more everything I’ve ever known is taken away and dismissed because it doesn’t align with your supernatural abilities. You are love so only your definition of love is valid. Not any human walking on this planet because only you are the creator Abba.
Then that makes me trip up Abba in the sense that most of your children on this planet are sleep walking including the ones that are saved because they’re leaning on their flesh and not the discerning truth of the spirit. Is that what Harper* is doing??
Is forfeiting the tangible seem that impossible to us all? If that’s the case then why do you have so much grace and patience for us masochists who self hate and self torture? Am I mental for believing its Harper? Or is he a masochist that doesn’t know how to be happy? Which one of us is spot on and which one of us is deluded in self torture? It’s hard for me to see its Harper* because of all the evidence in front of me; but it’s not hard for me to see my siblings future walk of matrimony.
Is Daniel* crazy for holding onto God’s word saying to trust him and love Elizabeth* who will be his wife one day when she’s a self torturous broken daughter that does everything in her power to hurt Daniel*? Yet she can’t live with out him? God I see that Elizabeth* loves Daniel*.
I believe in them she’s broken and hurt and it’s hard for my brother Daniel* to see that this woman just needs him to hold on. And let God work in her. As he covers her in prayer. That’s it. Elizabeth* doesn’t know how to receive Daniel’s* pure love but God is working it out. I wish I had that. I have a man engaged to another woman that rejected me. That’s hard to ignore. It hurts and I feel mental.
What about Ezekiel* and Naomi* They’re so stupid over each other and so in love they literally don’t know what to do with themselves. Ezekiel* never had such an incredible woman like Naomi* to love him without any motives and no agenda. She just purely loves him and he doesn’t know how to receive that so he sabotages.
It’s hard for Naomi* to see that because she’s the receiving end of his broken stick but all she has to do is hold on and let God work in him. That’s it. They’re so it for each other it’s clear as day and I see it. God it’s not the same for me. I’m not trying to compare and I repent if I am but things look so hopeless and it’s just so hard because it’s just getting worse God. I’m praying and it’s getting worse that’s why I stopped praying because I didn’t see the point because you were making it worse.
And finally Jojo* and Jackson*… She sees him for the son to the king that he is. Not an artist. The son to the king. That’s it. His whole disposition lights up when he’s near her and he stares at her with such love. She’s got it the easiest. Just waiting on Jackson* to grow a pair. Man if I had that. That’d be awesome.
I know I’m getting dangerously close to comparing but these couples factually have love and will work out. I’m hanging on to blind faith with a bleak and foggy flat line. At least that’s how it looks and feels. And then you’re making me be open about this and took away my cloak of invisibility. What’s up with that?? I understand that you keep telling me to trust you and ignore the surface but you keep making it worse. I feel like Brooke Fraser’s song psychosocial. Completely mental.
You’re the God that rose Lazarus from the dead. You’re the God that blessed us all with the Holy Spirit that resurrected our savior. So why can’t you end the season that Harper is currently in if you say he’s mine? All I need is a muster seed of faith… Why did you even allow him to be with her? And then you allowed them to get engaged? How does this help my love story with him God? According to you we are going to have one. Unless I’m mental. Completely and totally mental.
Can you even blame me for having all these questions and having to fight this doubt when people like Tamar* believe in Harper’s relationship? Why am I the only idiot that believes what you’ve been telling me is true about Harper* and I? I just come off like a psychosocial mental moron.
You’re not making it happen and I’ve been coming to the throne over and over again so what gives? I’ve accepted the other promises you’ve shown me about my finances that are on hold. But my brother and Harper* are hard to see because they’re so important in my heart and all I want to see is them soaring and on fire for you God. Being the lighters you’ve built them both to be. That’s not what’s happening for either of them God. One isn’t saved and the other one isn’t as close to you as they both should be, Harper* can’t be looking so aloof and indifferent as if he’s passing by and be on fire for you. It’s impossible unless again he is and I’m just mental.
So why was my brother out all night drinking? You’re not a liar but you’re also making me live and witness these two very difficult situations you informed me was the complete opposite of what I see. Yet it’s just hopeless looking God please end it.
I’m tired of being sad and crying for these two men. Fix it Jesus. It feels like you’re stringing me along and that’s not like you God. I need clarity and I need it now. So move. I’m done feeling mental and sticking out like a psychosocial sore thumb. Don’t bless me with another birthday and have these two men in my heart in these seasons still. I’m counting on you to move them into the lighting seasons you’ve created them to be in.
Love you to infinite places times an unknown number, your daughter.
This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy