Grace is the biggest quality I lack in myself. You’re making that extremely clear God. Especially after Monday night. That meeting with Anabelle* was everything I needed and more. I was hanging on a thread leaving work and walking to my church crying and talking to you. So mad at you and feeling so guilty that I’m mad because I know better.
And then you blew my mind once again and used Anabelle to minister to me. She made me realize that my testimony is extremely unique and I looked at her like she’s not talking about me right God? Well she was. She made it very clear that even though God decides to accelerate teachings in me that most Christians take years to understand, I still need grace for myself because he didn’t accelerate everything. I felt a lightbulb go on God after she said that and it makes so much sense why I think it’s nuts I still feel so extremely close to you when I experience my tantrums. Grace.
Like Jojo* said the other night. I tried it. I’m trying to outwit you God by being a brat, ranting and not being in the word so that you stop giving me the revelations that make no sense. You win again, I humbly lose. You’re the greatest person to lose to anyway. During my meeting with Anabelle*, I felt you place on my heart this was a blog as well. And I would have to open up and realize truths I had no desire to deal with. So of course I avoided this moment as long as possible.
Like my eating disorder that I thought “I got rid of” what a joke right? Oh how you cover me Abba. I was so mad that you had me blurt out a secret to Naomi* that no one knew about. Like ever, no human God and you knew this which is why you’re shedding me to open up about it all up on this exposure r us tip you have me on lately. This nakedness is so real. Like all other roles you have me in, this moment is bigger than me.
I didn’t realize everything that’s been going on around me was affecting me so deeply emotionally. Sometimes I don’t even recognize the ways I try to self harm myself or shut down until you take over God. And I’m so grateful that you’ll always be bigger. It’s not an accident that Naomi* and I have identical struggles nor is it an accident that you’ve made us as close as we are. She’s my sister for life the same way Jojo* is; and that was a process. Maybe one day I’ll write about that too, until then I’ll let go as you guide me through the journey of grace.
I didn’t make the connection until it was discussed with Naomi that I use gum to cut my appetite so it can kick start my disorder. This is hard because I don’t believe I’ve ever admitted that I had this problem to such severity. I’ve always brushed it off and laughed it off but you’re really shedding me. There must be some amazing blessings around the corner. That’s something I’m looking forward to but until the meantime I’ll keep fighting in this war to choose you. And I pray this blesses the children you intend this to bless.
Admitting that to Naomi* and connecting that’s how it starts shocked me. I never made the connection as to how I’d be able to blow up and and shrink so fast with anorexia and over eating, like it never made sense until Monday night. You used both Jojo and Naomi that night to put it in my face so I can surrender this and give it to you. Okay so this is me giving it to you God and trusting that you’ll see me through this because I’m clearly not past it. Triggers are everywhere that are beyond Harper*
I miss my cousin.
I miss my uncle.
I miss my grandmother so so much.
That woman was my rock. My uncle was an original Guyanese OG that just made everything look so cool and so worth fighting for. But you took all these people away from me. One on my birthday. And I’m still here? Why? Why me and not them? That’s what I have a hard time accepting sometimes. And that’s where grace kicks in.
I thought I was past hating myself and wanting to not be on this planet because I don’t think I’m worth it. I don’t think I’m special but the peculiar twist in my theory is I truly believe you think I am God and that’s what I cling to. I walk in your truth of me and live in your confidence. That’s why I may seem confident but I’m really not. I didn’t realize that was my lifeline since April 4, 2014. And the fact that you’re making it more glaring now; is hard because you’re making me face truths I don’t feel like facing. I told you I’ll never try taking my life again since you’ve blocked all my attempts and only you are the reason I’m here God. Plus my life wasn’t mine to end and I’ve never apologize for hurting you in that way so I truly repent and apologize Abba. I love you. I really should be dead. But that’s how big you are.
Popping pills to the point of my throat burning should have killed me alone but I’m still here. Blocking not one but two attempts to jump train tracks is only your supernatural testimony to how big you are. I never wanted to talk about any of this because I can still feel the black hole I was walking in as worldly Crysta. How did I survive those emotions!? Only you that’s how. You were with me before I even knew you were lord Jesus. You made me special before I even said yes to you? I hate that I ask you why but why? Don’t you see what I see? A broken girl that fights to believe.
Grace is something I didn’t realize I needed in some areas of my life like here: wounds that are not fully healed because I buried them so deeply. Not fully accepting that I have a hard time letting go of “if it doesn’t make sense I don’t trust it,” which is exactly why you designed Harper to not make sense at all. You love me so much that you need to keep showing me how big you are.
You’re the same God that stopped both me and my brother from ending our lives multiple times. You’re the same God that saved my dad from his total car accident when he drove drunk. You’re the same God that protected me and my mother when I was driving us in a storm that prevented me from seeing anything in front of me as she was fighting me. All I kept chanting was Jesus take the wheel. And it felt like seconds later the storm literally stopped and we were in front of my sisters house. I still don’t know how we got there to this day. Actually I do, you. You need me to understand that you’re bigger than big and that you have me and everyone I love. And my deepest hearts desire to see them all on fire for you will occur. You’re perfect timing not mine. So I’ll cling to that truth.
Thank you for showing me because I’m so impatient with myself it completely spills into other areas of my life. You’re making me go lower on a newer comprehension. You’re making me realize that I have to meet people where they are in terms of their perspective not meet them to carry them to mine. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that’s what I’ve been doing with so many of your children; they just don’t get some of the things you’ve literally just planted in me from day one of my salvation. Everyone’s walk is different. You used Anabelle as a vessel to relay this truth to me. You also made me realize that if my brother was saved now he wouldn’t grow in Christ. So you protect him as he’s not walking with you until your timing is right. Thank you God for making me a believer in that area. I needed that so badly because my brother is everything. I love him so much. I’d die for him. But I get that’s not your will just putting that out there.
I also realize it’s also not an accident that myself, Jojo*, Daniel* and Naomi* are all going through really painful shedding seasons. That’s your doing you must be setting us up for a pretty massive season that’s around the corner. It’s also not an accident you kept using me to present the same themed message of being active in pushing through what we know verses embracing the unknown. I wasn’t doing that as strongly as I could. At the same time I belittled myself because I know better. Where’s the grace for myself I need to remember that I’m still a baby Christian regardless of the point you have me. I honestly forget God. But you made me remember today talking to Jojo, Daniel and Naomi. It’s a moment to moment process. So I’ll let you keep teaching me grace moment to moment.
Thank you for your endless love. I love you beyond comprehension Abba.
Love your daughter.
This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy