Fiduciary…..involving trust. Biggest part of this word Abba. The bridge that gaps the beneficiary and the trustee. This word despite being heavily needed in the legal world is a word I now associate to you Jesus. You are my fiduciary bridge that connects me to this world and your people. Thank you for walking me through this fire God.
Last night guiding me to read Luke 7 and taking the biggest lesson: you honor big faith, was not an accident. I just been so uncomfortable having all these deep buried pains and areas of ugly of myself coming out of hiding.
I felt dirty yet you cleansed me through that lie.
I felt unloved yet you held my hand tightly until I felt your presence will never leave me. You are my fiduciary gap to faith.
I felt petrified about this level of intimacy yet you’re gripping my hand being my benefactor I desperately needed. This fiduciary truth is now my reality.
This is why you kept telling me to trust you. You needed everything I hid to come to the surface. Everything I hate about myself to come to the surface. I hate that I was stupid enough to be at a place I had no business being in and got raped. Only idiots do that. A gift that belonged to the guy you carved for me was taken because I was careless. Who would want me after that?
You’re my fiduciary representative. You’re honoring my love and faith in you through all those years; when people were looking at me like I was crazy for not hating you and cursing your name because that happened to me. It happened to you too. You saw everything. You feel everything. I hurt that means you hurt. I hate myself that means I don’t even realize I’m hating you too. I can’t do that anymore. I just made that connection. I repent. Forgive me God. This is about me and you God first and foremost. We aren’t right. I cannot be right with anyone else. Thank you for loving me so much to insist this is my reality. To insist I’m not afraid of this level of intimacy with you. Everything starts with you God. Thank you for being my fiduciary representative.
There’s nothing but beauty and love in you Jesus. And you died for me. Because God loves all of us that much.
That means there’s nothing but beauty and love in me too. Because you saw all this. Know all of me better than I do. Know that the war inside of me is me fighting my big faith that you birthed me to always walk in. Not sometimes and get tripped up by horizontal glances when my core isn’t affected. I’ve been representing big faith before April, 4, 2014. It baffled me too much to believe because it made no sense.
Worldly Crysta was all about believing what she saw. Or was she? You’re showing me God that I was fighting to create an identity that was never mine. That’s why everything of the world felt so wrong. And so off. I didn’t want to be alone so I forced myself to do what I saw. I still felt alone because I didn’t trust that core you gave me God. I repent. I don’t feel alone anymore but being so vertical annoyed me because I still see to my left and to my right there aren’t enough of your beautiful children with me. It hurts. Everyone should be here. Patience and grace.
Your sacrifice is the fiduciary guarantee and promise to me. Everything that’s happening and everything that I’m feeling is all making me a better daughter.
A daughter that’s closer to you.
A daughter that just falls deeper in love with you no matter what.
A daughter that sees I truly see she loves everything she experiences because you cover me in this painful season. This fire has me unscathed and walking stronger in you despite how I feel. Because you’re the trustee that connects me. My Fiduciary representative.
I don’t have to be afraid of intimacy. You’re my lighthouse because I’ll never be lost in this sea, you illuminate everything for me. You went to death and turned on a light to tell me it’ll be okay. And it is Jesus. That’s why I’m no longer the walking dead. I no longer have to be ashamed or feel bad for deeply desiring to only be seeing, breathing and walking in the supernatural. I’ve wanted this before I understood what it was. This world was always broken, fallen and temporary to me and I never understood why I comprehend that as a child.
Because you made me that way.
You always knew I’d choose you as well. Even when I’m frustrated crying and just confused. Like last night. My bible opened to Luke 7 after I finished my Proverbs challenge for the day. You know in the end of my rants I’m running to the cross for clarity always. You wired me this way. This innate biological make up called Crysta Pamphille is bigger than me. Because I’m your vessel you’re preparing to use in a big way. Otherwise you wouldn’t trust me with what you do. Thank you for that humbling honor.
I’m no longer ashamed to be “super spiritual” yes I do take every reaction and every thought to you.
I no longer feel naked for no reason because it’s your way not my ways lord. I can’t just want you to see me if its not your will God. I said yes to you long before April 4, 2014. This fact is glaringly obvious. That’s why I couldn’t end my life. That’s why this inner war is torturous. Like Steffany Gritzinger cries out to you, I’ve been on lockdown but you always held the key. You’re unlocking me to run to you and not be afraid of intimacy. Okay Abba. Bring me out of hiding. You knew I’d be ready. Big faith.
I love you Abba.
This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.