Love

Love is such a complicated lifestyle. I say that God because as your children we’ve been rerouted from the breath of life you formulated us to instinctively have. It’s in Genesis. The serpent lured Eve to eat from the tree God specifically told her not to go to. The serpent was evil and can never ever meet Eve’s instinctive good so the serpent lured Eve to his level of corruption: temptation. God you have so much faith in us. It’s undeserving and mind blowing.

You tempt us to prepare us. Not to fall into the trap of sin that we all fall into, especially me. I’m currently fighting my stupid heart being turned ice cold, cursing again on and off and I have spurts of desires to punch people in the face and knock teeth out. My frustration is being fed incorrectly because I’m choosing to stay here. In anger which is a secondary emotion to pain.

When I can give you these emotions. You’ll always correct them and me. But I want to rebel because I don’t want to be the bigger person anymore I want to wander off and be stupid like Eve in the garden of Eden. Where the heck was Adam?! He’s supposed to always lead and protect because you made him first and she’s the rib. She was made second. From the rib that protects his heart.

Eve’s biggest role: protect Adams heart and our hearts always belongs to you first. But Adam didn’t die in self. He didn’t put her first by rising above and protecting her. He was stupider for feeding her idiosyncrasy; and listening to the evil serpent, causing all the innate fleshly, worldly, and corrupted desires every single child of yours faces on this planet now Abba.

Man mediating on the word always leaves me in my feelings, which I hate being in, but you seem to think that’s irrelevant lately. Carry on as you do Abba. It’s my oxygen. The bible is my oxygen. I haven’t been breathing it in as frequently and been holding my breath: huffing and puffing in defiance.

It’s my first love language: mediating in the bible. I really want to know it word for word in its entirety but that’s a life quest and I need to understand the message you’re relying to me before memorization can kick in. What’s so amazing about the greatest book ever is that my comprehension will shift as you promote me from glory to glory.

The air you blessed us with, then poured into us was designed to innately gravitate to you first and foremost always. To see you and cling to your existence only. In your presence is where we dwell. It’s synonymous to resetting the tear banks in my eyes so they won’t dry out. It’s as natural as the motion of inhaling and exhaling: we cannot do one without the other. Just like we cannot love you without faith. We cannot please you without faith.

We are wired to please you. And we fall into the trap of shifting our focus off of you even if it’s for a second, the temptation has already been set in motion. Nothing on this planet will fill that desire to please for more than a temporary season. It could be anything: pornography, sex, chasing titles and status in a career or personally, getting married because it’s “time, filling in a loneliness that only God can fill, because everyone else is doing it, because we already had sex so let’s not burn in hell;” whatever the full in the blank for you is. It doesn’t change it’s a temporary season if it’s not God-ordained. If God isn’t in the center it will never feel right. It’ll always feel off and it’ll always feed the deep desire to overcompensate. Speaking as someone that’s been blessed to survive that trust me when I say it’s not worth it.

That’s what I did with the two guys I was determined to marry for all the wrong reasons. The first guy, Edward* was because I thought I was better than the girl he was hung up on and did everything for him to “prove I was amazing” no, I’m amazing because God says so. That’s it. I’m fearfully and wonderfully made. God is all the proof I need now. Edward* and I were friends first, which is a step you want your daughters to execute but with the son you choose not us. It was a competition because I didn’t even like him at first. Then I said to myself fine. I sized him up with the mentality: I’ll win she’ll lose. I catered to him like a wife but wasn’t. Lesson number one: Don’t act a role God never gave you or blessed you with. It will always fail. God removed him from my life. It took a few years but he’s gone. Thank you Abba.

That broken woman I used to be needed to die. I’m grateful she’s gone. He wasn’t a man of God. And I always knew you existed Abba. I get why it’s not him and never will be. He can’t protect me or my vertical. He was a man of the world. Materialistic and had money, was already established and I hated that but overlooked it because I thought he was different. Plus you made me a builder. You made me an encourager and I love doing that. I love being that person to push your children to be their best self. But I didn’t pray it out. I didn’t seek you with Edward*.

You also made me with an extreme logic and with that said, Anderson* was the polar opposite. I said good no problems. He wasn’t fiscally established so I saw him as a pet project. We were friends first too because I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Like zilch but he was good with words. Words well put make me swoon and he figured that out; I never told him. I always knew he was going to use it against me, which is why I never told him. Masochist for the win. I’m still not sure how to this day maybe my actions but that season you used for your glory anyway. Thank you God.

Anderson* gave me a bible so that shocked me and tricked me at the same time. Totally got fooled and once again I didn’t seek you Abba. The bible to me automatically made me think we were going to get married. The wires in my cerebral circumference just went off to wedding bells. It took two years of being with him to make me see what a terrible place he was in. He never wanted to pray together and never wanted to read the bible together. I was so confused and didn’t know where to go, or who to go to. I became depressed again and suicidal again. Because he somehow convinced me loved meant isolation from people and sex. But only I was isolated not him. And it was opposite to the bible so I was all types of jacked up. I didn’t trust anything or anyone not even praying.

But Prayer is our fiduciary connection to faith. It pleases you lord. We cannot please you without these wires connecting. It’s impossible. I didn’t seek you God but you found me after I came out the hospital through Jojo* she’ll always be my rider because you used her to save me. She’s the reason I’m in Brooklyn Tabernacle but you’re the reason Abba that I know with conviction that you love me and have my best interest.

I was all about you and loving it and reading the word. Depression free and suicidal free. Until you showed me Harper* I dismissed him honestly because I couldn’t do this dark hole again. Not after Jesus. Not after feeling this amazing love I chased all my life in the wrong place: men. I know my identity is in Christ alone. I know with conviction I’m loved by the greatest man ever! So why show me Harper*?

Oh Lord oh lord… couldn’t I be in my sanctified bubble?? I wanted to be a brat and hold my breath until I got my way which is to just have Jesus and no temptation of a black hole.

I don’t want to be lead by an idiot that won’t step up and protect me from a serpents lies.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that wants to have his cake and eat it too.

It’s Jesus or the world not both.

Nothing can come with us on this planet so why cling to the things of the world?

I don’t want to be lead by a man that would rather control everything instead of trusting the greatest man ever, you Abba.

A godly man leads his godly woman vertical as they both continue to chase God and prepare for their holy matrimony to edify the kingdom first and foremost not have sex without guilt. There’s so much more to this union than sex like taking the scales off the eyes of your blinded children.

I don’t want to be lead by a man that doesn’t have you first God or treats you like a buffet of convenience.

I don’t want to love Jesus more than the man you have me for. That’s not how this works. That’s not what Ephesians 5 says. That’s not a 1 Corinthians 13 love. I won’t settle for anything less. You know this God. Because you’re pruning me to be a Proverbs 31 woman.

That’s why I don’t understand this Harper* thing whatsoever. Isn’t a pair supposed to be evenly yoked?! Definitely not the case here. Such a loophole that has me tripped up and all you’re saying is trust you?? You didn’t take me out of those dark places to pair me with someone that’s not on fire for God. This man needs to be more radical than me. You didn’t block my suicides so I can be more on fire than the man you carved me for. So please hook your daughter up with clarity. I’ve been asking you for two years and you keep showing me everything I don’t want. That’s not what I prayed for.

Clearly my track record sucks God plus I told you I need five years of building my core before you showed me whatever guy you picked for me. Because people I admire in the church were single for three years before you showed them so I said no that’s not enough five years works. It’s a whole hand. Three years was a recurring theme and I wanted my own number to be just me and you. But it’s not just me and you and that pisses me off. I’m huffing and puffing Abba. Nehemiah got all his prayers answered so what about me!?

Inhaling oxygen without any release of carbon dioxide is not a part of how you wired us. The same tree you created to give us our oxygen to survive in this fallen world, is the same tree that needs us to survive. My oxygen is their carbon. We are a team. One can’t be without the other.

The way you scientifically created us is so fascinating and I still don’t get why you didn’t let me become a scientist. I wouldn’t be dealing with people and I’ll just be making this planet better scientifically. You know it’s so stimulating to my mind, that you created by the way, so hello to that desire being there and not being fed, it’s sitting with all the other ones you’re telling me no or not yet to. Absurd obedience Abba isn’t always fun, just saying.

Science should be a love language. I understand science. It should be my love language. Plus you know what a struggle it is for me to stay focus in where you have me plugged in currently. And people suck when they hurt me or worse hurt themselves. You’re making my stupid heart more sensitive and it hurts more to see your children hurt themselves. This is our rotational pattern Abba: I see and seek you. You show or confirm to me through discernment. I want to fix things then you stop me. And then I’m upset because you usually want me to do something I don’t want to do.

Why am I here again if I’m not helping your kingdom? Not here as in the planet…. It’s evident you win there. I’m here, I’m with you Abba but why am I in New York City? Why am I teaching at an urban charter middle school in downtown Brooklyn? Why do I volunteer where I do? How am I bettering your kingdom in these places??

I’m so frustrated!!!! Especially since you can plug me where I’ll really feel appreciated and fulfilling your purpose to spread the good news. Why can’t I go on a missions trip yet? Why’d you stop me from moving to Cape Verde at 24?! It was a good cause. Man you stop everything that’s why I’m just saying yes so that way my frustration doesn’t increase.

But it keeps increasing. So what am I doing wrong? Last nights sermon was amazing. Completely convicted me to start praying for Harper* again but then I got pissed off all over again and have yet to do it. He doesn’t want my prayers or me so why again is this happening? How’s it him exactly!? This is a bizarre testimony you have me walking through. It doesn’t make sense.

But at the time I walked through the Edward season that made complete sense to me. The overcompensation and that deep rooted unhappiness were ignored because “I fit with Edward* and I’m supposed to marry him.” You totally blocked that trip from happening at his family house in Trinidad. We were getting so close he was talking about us getting married. It was perfect in my mind.

I was going to get my ring that you stopped. I was mad at you for a long time but it’s a blessing and protection in disguise. Because you stopped it. I don’t know how I was so determined to ignore you. You still won. You blocked a lot when I was with Edward especially my attempt to have his kid because I knew you knew how we both felt about parenting. Looking back thank you for sparing an innocent child from entering the twisted brokenness.

Harper still doesn’t make sense, and I think you should just let this son of yours be it’s what he wants anyway. And I definitely don’t ever want to be in a dark place again. Or have broken worldly Crysta’s residue surfacing. That way I can be on fire in my sanctified bubble that you keep popping after I recreate them. It’s so much safer. But once again your desires trump my suggestions and feelings. Your will be done regardless how I feel. You love me as complicated as this looks and feels I know that you love me Abba. And I love you. I say yes to you God no matter what.

I have to just trust you won’t let me be lead by an idiot that would lead me to another black hole no matter how it looks or what I currently feel. I agree with that girl Abba. I would rather be single for the next 10 years than marry the wrong man.

This path called life is not easy Abba. Love is such a complicated lifestyle because of our past histories and genetic conditions we inherited that make it that way. It’s unfortunate because you are the embodiment of simplicity. And Everlasting life is the silver lining and hope that you blessed us to cling to. Thank you for that. Love you to infinity times infinity.

Your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

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