Horde

Horde is an interesting association and correlation to your homosapiens Abba. It’s actually a perfect word to connect your children. Despite what’s currently occurring in the world, and all the heartbreaking circumstances; you sent Jesus to die for all of us and that makes us all yours no matter what is transpiring.

Your horde is an uncontrolled throng. That’s why there’s so much chaos and confusion going on. You’re not a God of confusion just order. Therefore many of your children don’t know they are walking around with scales on their eyes not clinging to you; but the sky’s the limit to the worlds well hidden tricks. They come in all sizes and forms.

A good deed during vulnerable moments for a man are crucial times. It can be anything like helping the man get to a goal like winning a contest or helping someone get promoted in a job. It can cloud a mans judgement especially if it’s a woman helping them and by their side during these midnight hour moments. The horde around you may or may not have good intentions.

Always check the motives behind the person helping you. And always use discernment when you hear the answer. Only the spirit gives you truth not your misleading emotions. Because: If we’re not chasing you Abba then we are chasing an idol and idols are of the world. Idols answer in an idol way. It may take a while to discern the distinction; the fact of the matter is a liar runs out of tricks. Ask Satan. Satan moves from horde to horde because his limited affects always runs out.

That’s how I was able to break away from Anderson* you saw I wasn’t budging with Edward* so you removed him. The company you keep always speaks incredibly loud through actions. Actions are consistent even if the words are all over the place and clouded with a season of backsliding fornication. Edward “was my husband” for three or four years can’t remember anymore because I’m no longer that broken girl. I can only speak as a woman but when a woman builds a dynamic with a man and then has sex with him an attachment occurs.

My beautiful scientists have realized why women get attached to men more then men get attached to women. We release a hormone from our brain: endorphins and they feel somehow in our mind that the hormone went to the guy we had sex with; so we develop this nurturing and possessive quality that makes us think the man is ours. I thought this was a stupid fact and I was partially determined to blow it out the water. So I did.

I had two one night stands because at this point sex became a means to an end. I’d pick up how much the guy wanted me which slightly stroked my ego but it wore off so quickly and the sex wasn’t even that great. I ignored the emptiness I felt.

The insane kicker was both these men wanted to make me their girlfriend one had money the other one didn’t. The one that had money wanted us to go to Paris for two weeks and said he’ll pay for my unpaid days at work. I looked at him like he was crazy and told him I wasn’t a call girl; and he informed me he didn’t see me like that. I’m a keeper. I was the best he ever had…. It was all nonsense to my ears. It pissed me off that he said I was a keeper because he didn’t know me so how does he know I’m a keeper? He got overbearing and I eventually had to change my number.

The other one was just so emotional about me ending it before it began. I thought I stepped into a twilight zone. He told me I was his best too I was like wow nobody of the world knows amazing sex. Because we aren’t supposed to that’s why; and only through God can everything be amazing. And aren’t women only supposed to act like this irrationally attached homosapien after sex?

That was all done without consulting you of course but you let me rock in my rebellious horde role because you’re using it for your glory now. You’re a genius Abba as if you didn’t know. I love you constant one. God will always win. Your daughters that struggle don’t have to experience or walk through what I did. It’s so unnecessary and we are more precious than gold to you. Plus you are the controller and we are your horde Abba. Not Satan’s, never was and never will be. His lies will eventually clear out. They did for me and you’re still clearing out because you love us all that much.

There was another guy named Jared* I mentioned him once I think in a far older post. I used to work with this guy on the job I meet Jojo;* we did door to door sales for two years. Jojo was convinced Jared was in love with me. You blocked me from seeing it and I understand why now. Jojo is right he wanted to get me at a vulnerable moment to swell me up with his babies. I never got why he’d always joke around with me being his wife one day or me being the mother of his children we never dated.

According to me, but apparently in his mind all the time we spent together was us building momentum to dating; and I missed the memo because he never told me. I thought he was being nice taking me to all those nice places. We never did anything he’d sometimes talk about my boobs because he admitted he was obsessed with them. I don’t get the hype I wanted a boob job and he talked me out of it because he said they were perfect.

Anderson wanted me to get a boob job though. He wanted my outside appearance to look how he wanted; and it made me so uncomfortable. I wasn’t being me. I forgot who I even was. Those intimate moments with Jared* I redirected. I would mention girls that I knew liked him to change the subject.

I didn’t get Jared’s attachment to me because we never did anything together. Jojo says it’s because I stuck by his side through thick and thin at the job and made sure he got promoted. All I did was see his potential and cared enough to push him there. That’s it. Wouldn’t any homosapien do that though?

I sized up the job and figured out what hindered him from getting promoted so I pushed him away from it. I submitted to him letting him think he was coaching me but I was just managing up. It’s a great tool I learned when I worked with those ridiculous lawyers for three years. God you use everything for your glory. I can’t believe Abba you made me teach Daniel how to manage up. I thought I was doing it for Elizabeth’s* sake but he does it to me too! He’s so smooth with it. Better than me. It’s annoying but I’m glad you planted him in my life and I have another amazing brother. Well played God.

Jared kept asking me what my motive for helping him was and I said I don’t have one. I just believed in him that’s it. I wanted to see him succeed because I didn’t see anyone else rooting for him. He didn’t know how to receive that and just got weird with his awkward jokes. I let him live. His mind got clouded in the sense he thought I was his wife. But deep down it just felt off. It felt off with every man including Edward, especially Edward. It doesn’t feel off with Harper* maybe that’s what scares me. How natural he feels like home. That’s scary and annoys me because he’s doing him. And you literally took away every man I attempted to remove Harper out of my heart. But he gets to do him?! Fine. I’ll just say yes, keep leading the way God.

When I was still determined to marry Edward, I thought it made sense to still continue; despite realizing the more times we were intimate the more it became harder to ignore the overcompensation and the deep rooted unhappiness. Edward started feeling like someone else’s husband and I tried fighting that feeling God.

Because it made me think about who’s with my husband now? How would my future husband feel knowing I was with Edward determined to marry him; and throw away any chance I had with the man God created me for? The man God created me to protect his heart because only I’m his rib. And any imitation will never do. If it didn’t work for me it won’t work for him. Something will always feel off. It can be ignored for so long. Then God steps in.

Being with Edward started feeling like I was suffocating because you were popping my bubbles left and right Abba. The horde I was determined to keep, you removed from my life. You always remove what’s not of you. If it doesn’t glorify you it’s eliminated from your children’s lives. Jojo has a theory and they’re usually spot on; that Anderson* went after me because he saw how Jared felt about me and he was jealous of him. I dismissed it because I thought it was ridiculous.

I never fully trusted Anderson suddenly befriending me though. But I dismissed it. I felt like I got sucked into a dark world wind because I remember never being attracted to him and saying heck no. But his play on words and him figuring out quality time is my love language reversed that no to a yes. Thank God you used that season for your glory.

Doing that sales job was the greatest learning tool of my life. I learned how to trust you God even when I wasn’t walking with you like I am now. God you showed me time and time again during that season you were with me. You used that experience for your glory to make me a better daughter for your kingdom.

It heightened that specific gift you keep growing which is great. At the time I didn’t know it was a gift. I just thought I was insane. Now I realize I’m not. And I’m not alone. Thank God. I’m grateful I have company and siblings that chase the supernatural like I do: Daniel*, Naomi* and even Jackson* have this gift. Jackson isn’t in my life right now so only you know Abba if he realizes what’s going on. He could think he’s crazy. Poor guy.

It was interesting breaking the news to Daniel* I still remember to this day his denial reaction as Naomi* and I were laughing at him. It’s not an accident the four of us have this gift nor is it an accident that 3 out of the 4 are close. You’re deliberate God. You deliberately make me write these posts. You’re deliberate with everything I do as you are with allowing everything that’s happening now with the rest of your children.

You may not approved of everything I did in the past but I see you using it for your glory now; and I understand with conviction you covered me when I had scales on my eyes rolling with the horde I did. That’s why you allowed those moments. You always knew your name would be magnified. Even my wrestle in resistance with Harper* is being used to magnify your name as I continue to walk under your wings of guidance.

Clinging to control is an idol. I am completely baffled by that reality check. My resistance in the Harper* area is control. I don’t like I don’t understand any of it. I can’t stand how it looks. Can’t stand how I feel about him because it’s not aligned with how I developed feelings or “loved a man in the past.” However you knew this God. And this is why I’m in this moment now. You need me to connect that my understanding of loving a man isn’t how you created me to love a man. Especially the man I was carved for. In the past I’ve loved men tangibly and superficially going off of what I see and know by doing.

You’re the embodiment of love. You don’t dwell in superficial or in the tangible. Sure you can enter anyone and tangibly use your children to minister but it occurs through the spirit and that’s supernatural. Therefore love can only be supernatural. And that’s beyond logic only understood as you baby spoon feed us by walking us through this journey. That means my preconceived hypothesis on love is invalid. I’m finally okay with that and accept this fully. I still say yes to being your idiot then being a genius of the world. This is a pit stop anyway.

I’m telling you with my actions you’re crazy and this Harper conundrum isn’t happening. Who am I to tell you that? You’re bigger than me, him and the one he’s with now. What you say goes. You will get your way. For all we know this son of yours is under the same ideology of love and basing it off of his understanding like I was. For all we know this son of yours is under the same understanding that Jared was because I just helped him get promoted. It’s not an accident that Harper walked through a similar experience I did with Jared and he’s now engaged. Because I stuck by Jared’s side that equaled wedding bells for him. I knew I wasn’t his.

Every time I asked Jared did you ask God to guide you on what you need in a wife not what you want?? He always looked at me like I was an alien. Jared was tangible with me and didn’t consult God through discernment. Jared thought we were going to get married based off of what he knew and what he wanted not what he needed. Harper is doing the same thing isn’t he God?

I always knew we weren’t for each other, because the day I meet him I told him he was going to marry a white woman and he was mad. I was weirded out I blurted that out to him. But guess what? He’s married to a white woman now. And they have a beautiful baby. And he’s happy. He looks happy. Praise God. Jojo made me stop talking him. I see why that was necessary for his walk and mine. Thank you Jojo.* His wife or baby would’ve  kept being delayed. It was always her and never me.

Now I repent. I’m crazy for not remembering how big you are. I also repent for being a brat with these back to back posts you birth through me because they are bigger than me regardless how I feel. I say yes. Your will be done.

I’d like to believe I’m retiring my brat cloak but I’m still unsure so keep baring with me Abba. Your definition of idolatry is putting something or someone above you. Attempting this control in the Harper area is above you when it comes to me so that means that it’s an idol. Not he’s an idol because you kept dismissing me telling you that’s how I tried categorizing him. That’s what I had him as for so long because I was trying to control and make sense over an area of my journey you’re still working out. Proceed, I’m stepping to the side now. Thank you for being determined to strip this delusion of control from me. We are the throng that you control and always will. Thank you for loving your horde so much Abba.

I love you. Happy gobble day world.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

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