I really don’t want to be here sitting down and talking about this. I really thought I was past these emotions and honestly I didn’t even realize that I felt this way. I feel blindsided and baffled with this newfound understanding I associated Harper* with Anderson.* Is that why I said no thank you to Harper* since day one? Is it also why I was partially relieved when you told me God the results of April before it even occurred?
There was a part of me that was actually happy. Happy! Happy that I was devastated all this time because it meant he’s not in my space; he’s over there not near me where I’m vulnerable to him. Where there would be a window for him to hurt me on an even deeper level; and worse than anything Anderson ever did. Because that meant I didn’t have to deal with another Anderson* and you’d redirect me God to a great guy like Jared* since he was already promised to someone else. You can get me another one. You’re God. You can do anything. You resurrected Lazarus.
I would never have to deal with an Anderson again. I can’t. He was so manipulative and such a pathological liar: he made me feel so dirty. He made me feel like I wasn’t enough as I was. He messed with my friends. He wasn’t faithful to me. Sex was all he cared about. He completely perverted the bible and flipped up my head.
I felt like I was six feet under, consumed with the dust you created us from; clawing to reach to the surface to no avail. I wanted to die. I was already dead on the inside. Matching all of Crysta to be dead just made sense. Everything in my life at the time felt impossible and being with him made it feel like a death trap as if he was the grim reaper. As if I was Lazarus except Jesus wasn’t coming four days later.
Anderson wasn’t supportive and didn’t care at all about me otherwise he wouldn’t have gone after people who I thought were my friends. Especially while being with me. One of them being Jojo* at the time we weren’t as close as we are now and ironically after the Anderson asteroid we became best friends.
She was the only one there for me after I got out the hospital. I was there for two weeks. Maybe more it’s unclear, these are crappy painful memories I don’t want to address; but this is the only way the stone will be rolled away. I feel like I have a log stuck in my throat. If this is the only way I can do my ugly hop to Jesus then I say yes. Jesus is worth anything and everything.
A beyond brilliant sermon was ministered through one of my favorite vessels on Earth: Tim Ross at Misfit on Friday. He ministered to us on John 11. The way this vessel brings the word to life is beyond a gift Abba. Thank you for being determined to roll away his stone and resurrect him. The world needs him so much. I went to misfit with Naomi* and Jojo.* That was such a blessing we laughed until we cried. I love laughing until my belly hurts. Abba these women are such a blessing in my life. Thank you for this sisterhood and forever fellowship because saying these words doesn’t seem like enough.
When you just say yes to God and step out of his way, God will always surpass what you want; because what you need is so much better than anything imagined. Anything you’re clinging to fight for and hold onto isn’t worth it. Specifically if it’s not God-ordained. It blocks your beautiful blessing because it’s laced with brokenness. God heals the broken pieces so let him.
Hop to the voice of Jesus and let him surround you with God’s children that will unravel you not bondage you. Lazarus was wrapped in bandages even though everyone knew Jesus was coming. They all fell into the trap of paying attention to how it looked on the surface. Lazarus was dead in his flesh and his flesh decayed away but his spirit wasn’t. That belonged to God. Always has and always will.
There’s no where on this planet where we will ever be prevented from feeling the presence of God. There’s no escaping our creator ever. That’s the best comforter we could ever be blessed with. Lazarus’ spirit was going to be birth and revived simultaneously. Because when God glorifies, he does it in a big way.
That’s my struggle with Harper* I see him with Anderson* traits. I’m paying attention to the decay and allowing what I see to paralyze me in fear and it makes me want to shut down and shut out. So I fight you God. And we wrestle because I can’t be the broken suicidal girl that stopped eating and hated how she looked and bent herself backwards ever again. All because of a manipulator.
Anyone that’s good with words can manipulate; that’s why I hated working in the legal world. The lawyers I worked with sucked as humans; manipulated left and right and they just left a bad impression imprinted on my heart. That’s beyond idolatry that’s worse than death. It was worse than being raped at 19. I can’t go back to that person. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than be her ever ever again. I’d rather will flying bullets as a bullseye to my temple. Jesus is enough. Jesus is my savior God. I’m okay. I’m safe without Harper.* What I see scares me.
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be sitting here with the amazing sisters you blessed me with: Jojo and Naomi crying my eyes out telling them how I don’t want to talk about this stone being rolled away. Be resurrected in this area. I don’t want it rolled away. I want to stay decayed and dead. I’m safer here. At least it feels that way.
And I won’t have another Anderson in my life. That way I don’t face this. I don’t feel this. I don’t remember the darkness. I don’t have to relive me trying to hurt myself or crying for three days straight. Or chopping off my hair. I don’t have to remember any of it. I don’t have to close my eyes and feel this. Like if it was just yesterday.
As if I’m back to that broken girl that locked herself in her room for three days straight. Brushing this area of my life to the side is so much easier. Just admitting all of this to Jojo and Naomi made me shut down after drying my eyes. Naomi picked up that I immediately lost my appetite. I felt the repulsion of food tonight. The idea of me eating or drinking anything made me want to vomit tonight.
I hate triggers. This all occurred because of Jojo’s blog post triggering these memories and emotions. Food just looks like an enemy right now. I didn’t know how Naomi expected me to eat the food without throwing up on her face God. I just wanted to fade into the chair. I’m sorry Abba if that disappoints you, considering how amazingly blessed I was by Tim Ross on Friday night. And you’re just you God.
I don’t want to push past food being disgusting to me right now. I don’t know why you have so much faith in me God. I don’t have it in myself; that’s why I lean on you for support. Because you’re literally the only reason I’m not flatlined. You’re my everything constant one. I don’t want to ever disappoint you or make you sad so I ate the food.
But this burning fire in my chest you have going on in me for weeks now what’s up with this? I cried; so what am I missing? I don’t get it God. What’s it in relation to? And why can’t Jojo or Naomi tell me since they both know? All I see when I look at Harper right now is Anderson. I can’t stress that enough. Naomi says Harper is not Anderson but how does she know that? That black hole I barely survived; I’m so in love with you God why would a black hole have my heart? Or why do I feel like he’s a black hole? That’s not fair. You were there when I was with Anderson. Only you got me away.
And honestly if you didn’t make me blurt out that Jared* was going to marry a white woman the day I meet him; it would not have always stayed at the back of my mind. It served as my invisible blocker to see Jared as anything other than a guy I’m helping.
You knew that I put him in the unavailable glass house because of how I love and value relationships. But I only love and value the ones that are of you God. The ones that aren’t. I just keep in prayer. And I have faith that you will work it out as you deem fit. Jared’s such a great guy and Jojo’s* right he did want to give me the world. Because it was in his eyes; I just ignored it because of what I blurted out the day I meet him. Thank God I did because he’s with the one he was always meant to be with and he’s so happy.
Jared wasn’t open to his wife in the beginning; he dismissed her and listed reasons left and right but they all spelled change. They spelled a stone that needed to be rolled away for Jared. Eventually, Jared was open to his wife and now they’re so blessed with a gorgeous baby.
At least my heart would be safe according to me. Jared got his HEA (happily ever after) doesn’t mean I will. And that’s okay, Jesus is still my Lord whether my prayer gets answered by that special day or not. Jesus is still going to be enough for me because I’m a follower not a fan. Fans like and only expect to be answered. Fans praise when they only see rainbows. Followers praise no matter what.
Abba I’m not even sure why I’m even writing this. I still feel me struggling to hop to you. I feel the bandages burning and molding to my skin because I’ve been wrapped so tightly by past hurts and traumas. It was so much easier to push it to the side and not face or deal with this.
Abba I say yes to your will. I’m scared and fear isn’t of you. I don’t know what else I could be triggered by; but I know sugar is a trigger for me besides Harper and Anderson. I avoid sugar like the plague because I don’t want to end up like my mom. She’s getting worse Abba. She’s diabetic and her hands shake and she moves so slow. And I feel so stupid for walking on big faith you’ll turnaround her health.
My brother and sister already started mentally preparing themselves for her death so has my dad. All of this just pisses me off. She’s here like what’s up with that?! I’m tired of crying and I’m tapping out and begging for help. I’ll keep hopping my ugly hop to you. I want this stone gone and I want to be resurrected like Lazarus. I just say yes Abba. You lead the way.
Thank you for being my way when there wasn’t any Abba.
Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t love myself and I still have hiccups now.
Thank you for being determined to have my bondages removed because I’m yours and no one else’s.
Thank you for being my constant one and meeting me and taking me as I am.
Thank you for it all.
Including this extremely uncomfortable season. God thank you for being with Jojo and Harper. You know every hair on their heads and every emotion they feel. You also know their real names. Whatever stones they have an iron grip on please push them to release them; so they can be abundantly blessed by what you’re longing to give them. Your will be done.
Thank you for being our Abba. Thank you for Lazarus and the amazing glorification that’s still happening today through that testimony; we all have stones that need rolling away. We all have decayed flesh that only Jesus can renew better than before so hop your ugly hop to him so that he can surround you with vessels that unravels.
I live for you and love you constant one.
This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.
*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy