Eudemonic

I’m making the eudemonic decision to elevate my psyche and walk in the level of peace you see I’m capable of living in Abba. It’s a blessing to be entrusted with the beauty of free will. Your monumental trust in us is breath taking. I am halted to a standstill, in the midst of my thoughts, stopping the transition of formulating words. I’m choking into utter silence. How much you love us ceases to amaze me. I will never get enough of your deliberate determination to show out. You are just so majestic.

I’m waiting. The flag is up, and I’m breathing in stillness. The questions I have, only you have the answers to them all; and you’ll reveal to me should you choose, to answer any, or all areas. Your way, not mine, and your timing, not mine. With everything. You deliberately have what makes no sense to me, looking how it looks. It won’t change my quest to chase you, and my determination to zero in on you; existing solely in the vertical. Regardless of my struggles Abba. I’m never going to stop running straight to your arms, or stop dancing with you. It’s been an incredible ride these past couple of years running straight in your arms. Growing forward.

The best eudemonic choice I made in my life, was choosing to follow your perfect son publicly on April, 4th, 2014. It demolished my buffet of convenience. It halted my nitpicking the bible, and choosing what to follow regardless of my brokenness. It killed my social relationship of being a believer, and my personal relationship with Christ was born. You want our relationship with Jesus personal, but you never intended for it to be private. There’s power in the name of Jesus to be bold not silent. It was still my choice to selectively live for you, because it allowed me to feed my brokenness, and live in my ugly known.

I controlled my ugly known as empty as it felt, as suffocating as it made me; or no matter how trapped, and unhappy I felt, I still knew what to expect in my broken loop. The replay was a blanket to me. A filthy soother like an ill dog going to it’s vomit, because of the broken habit of perspective, and familiarity. My misery was what I had control over; my paralyzing depression, and suicidal fight, was a black abyss of eternal falling, to the self made hell I lived in. I was in so deep, light was forgotten. Truth became lies, and my brokenness is what I trusted as truth. The vortex was expected, because it’s the result I came to know. That’s how broken I was Abba. Thank God you walked me away from such a heartbreaking, and self inflicting dysfunction. You telling me you’d provide the water to defeat my giants; and all I had to do was lift my hand to shovel, and dig the ditches.

The unknown gave me anxiety, and birthed my eating disorders. Change was an infectious disease that wasn’t curable for such a long time. The idea of eating glass, or laying in the middle of the I-95 seemed more appealing. But then Anderson* happened and your Great Name was glorified. I had enough of the brokenness. The switch in my mind shifted up. And that’s when you illuminated me, because I lifted my hand, and called for help by digging my ditches.

I needed to be spit out from the belly of that whale. The overflowing water from the blackest part of the sea became too much. I was over my lungs being crushed, and I was over being away from you God. That’s when you sent out Jojo* to cross my path again. That’s when she planted the seeds of The Brooklyn Tabernacle. That’s when she was persistent to not leave my life. To walk me through ending my life, and hop to Jesus, because she unraveled me. The rest is the beautiful journey that brought us here Abba. Me and you constant one. And the vessels you want in my life. My sword is lifted as your warrior.

I never looked back to the temporary residue of this broken world. As tantalizing as anything I chased here was, whether it was men, or money; or a combination of both that created the falsified, yet empty deluded lifestyle. It always lasted a season only, and I had to find the next fix. Because delusions don’t last forever.

There’s so many times you can relive a loop before you tell God you want to tap out, and be spit out from the belly of the whale. I’m not only speaking from experience; but I was the biggest supporter of running, and being in denial. It’s an addicting brokenness to keep seeking the ugly, and keep living in that dysfunctional loop, all because embracing a beautiful unknown has no lacing of The Crysta Control syndrome.

I have no idea if my challenge of relinquishing control initially derives from being sexually assaulted at 19; or it’s my upbringing, or just even a combination of all ingredients, that make-up the supernatural map, you lovingly formulated that makes me your daughter. This path called life, and testimony you are trusting me to walk through, is truly a humbling honor. You are the only one that has the answer to this question on my wrestle with control; but I’m honestly grateful for my flaws that birthed my shortcomings and failures. They built my trust in you, and grew my faith tremendously even when it felt, or looked otherwise. Like the Harper* holography.

Holography is scientifically practicing holograms. Holograms are fascinating, because there’s more than one surface. There’s more than one way to envision or interpret the artistry. That’s real art to me: the ability to envision the same creation multiple ways.

I used to love painting and sketching. As a teenager I used to go to the park, and sketch; or stare at my mom’s fruit bowls she assembled together, and do shade ins. Drawing and painting used to be so therapeutic for me. My mom’s an amazing artist; and used to just blow my mind with her talents, but she stopped suddenly like I did.

Then I blabbed inadvertently to Naomi* about the ability to draw, and paint; and she took me to this amazing artist store in Union Square. It made my heart flutter slightly in the midst of my nervousness. We both bought sketching pads and colored pencils. I gravitated towards the black pads. I never did artwork on a black surface before.

That was a month ago, and I have yet to sketch even though I keep seeing images to draw, and create. I guess they won’t stop, until I put pencil to paper will they Abba? You’re trying to get my attention in an area I’ve convinced myself left me. Just like you’ve already shown me where I stood with my singing voice. And you have me doing something in January that freaks me out. But I’m saying yes to you, because you were patient enough to see me grasp your hand full throttle.

Changes are the unknown, and when they’re God-ordained, I will always walk in a successful victory. Because they are a testament to your Great Name. If I do anything that doesn’t magnify you Abba, immediately remove it from my life. Because I wouldn’t be here without you God. I wouldn’t be so close to you nor would I be so confident in my walk, and trust you completely with whatever comes next. Everything I’ve been through, and experienced has brought me to this exact moment of clarity.

This exact day. December 21st 2015. Exactly a year ago you prompted me to do something for that son of yours that I didn’t want to do, because it was absurd to me. But I did it because you’re my Creator. You are my alpha and my omega. The origin begins with you, because you’re the artist that birthed it all. And only you can end anything that encompasses me. Ridiculous faith.

The 365 days I’ve been blessed to live since last year has been one educational and beautiful blessing. I lost three people that mattered so much to me. Went through some family storms I’m still trusting you to deliver my beloveds from. And you will because you always honor big faith. As stormy as this Harper holography felt to walk through, I’m grateful for it all. It helped me to take the eudemonic step to run even faster to you. I decided I’ll never not take everything to you ever again.

Harper was an amazing test that I passed. I’m proud of that. Nothing will occur with him unless you make it happen. I can say that with conviction, and total freedom. Worldly Crysta would have never been able to say that about any guy. I can say that about the man I’ll marry one day, because you’ll bring him in my life Abba; and you’ll tell him to cut in our dance. All I have to do is keep chasing you, and keep dancing with you.

Because I’m in love with you loving me God. It’s the sweetest gift and emotion I’ve ever felt in my life. No one is worth losing that. I’m grateful for Anderson too, because he was the last draw that caused me to look up. He made my dysfunction hurt enough to surrender, and allow you to guide me out of the abyss I walked myself in. I forgive everyone that ever hurt me. Because they were used to draw me closer to you, therefore they are all a blessing; nothing is better than you God. No one will ever be either. The Harper holography showed me that he’ll never be an idol for me. I’ll never ever put him above you God.

And this season has been molding me to be a proverbs 31 woman. A proverbs 31 wife. A proverbs 31 daughter. You’re preparing me for my future husband. You’re chiseling away what’s not of you, so I can be the rib my future husband needs. So I’m so thankful for this hologram. That makes me excited, because I’ll be better effective to do the edifying walk, that you called me to walk through, right along side my future husband; to execute exactly as you created me and him to do.

I see Harper as a holographic storm, that you did not remove no matter how many times I reasoned; or talked to you about it before. Holography is gorgeous, yet complex because of the multiple surfaces, and various perspectives that can be comprehended. Many hats. Many characters. Many roles to mask the real human underneath it all.

That’s what your son Harper does Abba. I see him. I see it all but only because you allowed me to constant one. There’s so much hidden beauty being snuffed out, and that’s understood completely to me. I did it for my entire life before April 4, 2014. It’s not necessary, but I get it. He hasn’t reached the point where he had enough; so he can’t give you the signal yet Abba. To be illuminated as you make the way, through the darkness to show him how to get to the surface. Anderson was my last draw.

Maybe his last draw is right around the corner, or closer than he even realizes. It’s like floating like a glistening and melting iceberg; or on the sea in a boat, then suddenly an iceberg is seen from a distance. At first glance it seems harmless, small, but the closer you get, the bigger and more harmful it becomes. That’s how the titanic sunk. Icebergs are a fascinating piece of ice. Rock solid hard. Roughly cut and it’s unclear how much the foundation is hidden in the black abyss of the ocean.

An iceberg can be admired as beautiful, and can evolve, or it can destroy because everything isn’t seen; it all depends on what the surrounding of the iceberg is. Like what’s feeding the iceberg wind to make it harder, and keep it in the dark buried in the blackest part of the ocean? Or is the sun creating crystallization, magnifying the beauty as it glistens, and softens from the melting; and shedding to ultimately float to the surface?

Harper is comfortable being an iceberg, isn’t he Abba?. Being seen, but not fully. On the water, but not actively floating on the surface because its roots are hidden in the dark. Then again it can be argued that an iceberg has multiple surfaces, or at the very least, multiple edges with various shapes; various cuts, like bruises from cuts we accumulate over time, through life experiences.

Pain is a penetrator that occurs over years of avoidance. Pain can be masked, snuffed to the bottom of an iceberg; sitting in a black abyss where it’s staying hidden and untouched. It’s not fully known how deep the ice is grounded in that black abyss of the ocean. So the level of pain will only come to the surface when the iceberg can illuminate to the surface by floating.

Water represents cleansing and purity; a beautiful new beginning with our savior, but it only happens in the light and in total surrender. An abyss can’t be blessed if we don’t pick up our shovel to dig the ditches for our illumination. Only then will you fill them with water to save us from the Giants of the world. You’ll always provide a way God when there seems to be none.

But we have to hop to you, and follow your voice no matter how ugly our hop is; or the fact we can’t see where we are going; following your voice is enough. Ridiculous faith. That’s when you honor us; when you see our actions being executed. When we make the eudemonic decision to float, not fight on the water, by redirecting our eyes back to Jesus. In the dark so much can be hidden. But thank God you use everything for your glory.

It’s not an accident you have me mediating, and doing a bible plan on the intercessor Elisha from my bible app. I’m soaking up the incredible greatness. And I see it changing me or more like shifting me to that space Naomi* was talking about; because I had no clue what she was saying. It was more like I didn’t want to see what she was saying; because it meant I’d have to stop what is holding me back now.

My eudemonic choice to encourage my anger is a hinderance you want me to dismantle. Anger isn’t of you God, but it allows me to be a brat; when I honestly don’t have to be. I don’t have to stoop to the space many of your children are struggling in, and sadly can’t see it some of the times. But there are other moments they know exactly what they’re doing.

Sometimes rising above feels like it’s for nothing, and a waste of time; so I rebel and conform. I ignore how awkward, and wrong it feels. I don’t always catch the crazy called my anger. It’s just as surprising to me as my expressions. And that’s probably why you also have me mediating on James 3 and the book of Proverbs; so that I’m consistent with being slow to anger, and understanding truly how lethal my tongue is. And how deeply my words cut, regardless of how tough I am. Not everyone is me. Not everyone walked what I walked through. Not everyone chases you full throttle. Not everyone is making the eudemonic acceptance to live by faith not by sight.

These past 365 days had a lot of pivotal moments and occurrences for me. And the fact that I’m thriving, and not just surviving is a testament to how great you are Abba. The deaths of my beloved family members devastated me; but I immediately ran to you. Not what worldly Crysta would have done. I made the choice to find my strength in you and not lean on my own understanding.

Everything involving Harper, I’m incredibly grateful for because it propelled me to be the proverbs 31 woman for my future husband and for your people. I’m becoming a better daughter for your kingdom and that’s all because of this season. Especially this past year I walked through because of you. Whatever you have in stored for 2016, I accept and I say yes to it God. I have no clue what you’re going to do or how you’re going to do it regarding this hologram. But you’ll step in and lead the way. Je Suis Pret > Tableu Vivants.

I love you constant one.

Your daughter.

This path called life belongs Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

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Foudroyant

This is a very weary place you have me God. Nothing is working out how it would make sense to me; then again you’re God. Your logic will never ever be parallel to mine. That’s why you blessed me with the Holy Spirit. That’s why you keep surging my heart with the foudroyant element of total surrender.

Sometimes it feels like I can’t express how I feel to Naomi* without her ramming the bible down my throat or telling me that I should do this or that. As if I don’t know any of this. As if she’s not supposed to be doing the same things and telling herself as well.

Your perfect son got mad. And threw things so why can’t I; without this sense of whatever emotion that she’s projecting. I’m just over it God. So over it. Then the disappearing thing she does? Is that something she plans on doing with Ezekiel* when they get married? Because it’s so uncool. Communication is big to me. Team talk it out. Team fight it out. Team something’s coming out. No suppression. It’s far more lethal than the injection on death row.

We treat our horizontal relationships how we treat you God. If we suck at communicating in the horizontal then we will suck at communicating to you in the vertical. If we run from problems or change of the unknown in the horizontal we’ll run from you in the vertical and straight into the arms of sin and the world. It’s the fastest way to run from you. I’m getting a front row show now on how it looks.

Jesus didn’t disconnect from you for hours on end; and you also wired us to need the body. Like Naomi* saying she’s never had support or love like me or whatever she said God; like I honestly didn’t know how to respond to that or what to say. But her reaction to it is not communicating for hours on end? That doesn’t make sense and it’s completely frustrating to the point I just want to throw in the towel with people.

The enigma in my yearn to love everyone around me. Yet fight this foudroyant feeling to isolate because the body is a conundrum. I am clearly made in another capacity; so I don’t get the point of this season whatsoever. Maybe you’ll never give me clarity on it. That’s okay. I say yes to you and you’re still Lord.

I don’t believe Naomi fully forgave Ezekiel* otherwise there wouldn’t be so much weariness in her heart. On her face. In her mind, plaguing her. Forgiveness is a clean slate. If Ezekiel* has that, she would not look like she carries a burden I’m not even sure you actually want her to carry. But you’re God and you have that too. I can just keep talking to you about it.

Her telling me to have love and patience for Emma* when Emma* indirectly and slyly attempted to be salty about no one saying anything to her about her birthday just set me off. Emma didn’t ask how I was doing? I’m doing slightly better since my missing brother was found on Monday but he’s back in the hospital again. But thanks for not asking about that. And then Naomi told me I should have been nicer to not snap? Maybe but I’m flawed and that pissed me off.

So Naomi saying what she said made me check out. I don’t know what I taught my kids today. It’s a complete blur. I just pray I wasn’t snippy at them. Naomi* has zero patience for Jojo* like zilch. And it’s to the point where she avoids her; and wants to nitpick my faults and use scripture too? That makes me see red God. I’ve been seeing red lately. Your daughter Naomi has severe perfectionism. Does she know that God? It’s extremely scary.

I pray for these pent up emotions to be released; and not have her fight to polish them enough to take them to you God in prayer. She may not lash out when she’s angry; (God bless her in that discipline because it’s beautiful to witness) or whatever emotion Naomi* is feeling outside of your consistency. She eats her emotions that are not of you Abba through anxiety.

That’s scary too. She had a panic attack and hid it!!! I’m still trying not to be pissed off at that. Makes me think what else is she hiding. It’s been two weeks since Jojo and I exchanged some heated words. But Abba, she had a panic attack when Jojo* and I were in the middle of just going off on each other. Naomi went to a place where only you can handle God: control. We all have this issue, especially me; however, you’re somehow piercing me in stunning surrender. Whether I’m an active participant or not.

You’re taking mighty long to formulate this foudroyant surge of surrender in Harper.* You won’t change this insanity according to me, which is my control; yet he’s still doing him. Big faith. Right? That’s what Naomi keeps saying perfect trust it’ll all work out. Blah. How I feel about that truth moves like the unreliable aggressive wind. It’s a ticking time bomb. It’s disruptive, explosive, and there’s no set expectation on when the atomic kaboom will happen. That’s scary Abba.

Those are how my emotions can be sometimes. No wonder we have to fix our eyes on you. I’m not consistently fixing my eyes on you God. So my perfect balance of floating is being interrupting because I’m looking at Harper’s actions. No wonder I’m struggling to catch my balance. I’m relying on an unpredictable when all I need to do is look up. There’s no need for me to be struggling to catch my balance. I have no business glancing at him. He’s not you Abba.

Naomi is so amazing at having perfect trust for me and I’m able to vividly see it all working out for her. But me and this son of yours? A root canal with no Novocain sounds more realistic. The reality of Harper and myself is a foudroyant feeling of being struck by lightening. I’m on replay of the weary whirlwind that just consumes me.

I refused to write this blog for as long as you allowed me to ride that defiant wave. I guess I had to get into tiffs with both Jojo* and Naomi* to express myself, and they were ironically both defending Harper* when we got into tiffs. Abba, like really?! My best friends too? I can’t have any breaks.

Your foudroyant forcefield of protection for Harper is beautiful and annoys me at the same time. Yes, it annoys me. Completely annoys me. This whole season annoys me. You’re ripping away all my control. What about his? And then… He gets rooters and cheerleaders in my best friends too? Really?

No ones on my side about this being absurd. No one. That’s not fair. It also feels like Naomi is taking on a heavy load you never gave her. I don’t think she even sees what she’s doing. You didn’t allow your son to die for future, present and past mistakes for any of us to avoid making mistakes; especially at the expense of being like an egg shell. An egg that can crack at any second because of how easily breakable it is. Naomi doesn’t see that either does she? That she’s an egg shell. You didn’t save her for that scale to still be around or that stone to not have been rolled away yet.

Does she even understand that I know with conviction that there’s nothing I can do today, tomorrow or twenty thousand hours from now; that can stop you from loving me God. You’re my Abba. My rant today, although it didn’t need to occur; because you do want us to always be Jesus like, it did not phase me. I wasn’t afraid of you not loving me. Or rejecting me. That paralyzing fear is gone. And it’s all because of you Abba. Thank you for the greatest gift ever.

I know you love me. Your perfect son died for me. Me. Screwed up, control freak that’s a complete hothead me. I’m not afraid to be flawed or make any mistakes. I’m making them now. By the multiples and I’m excited. Yes, excited. Because you’re the only one that will and can walk me through them. I love that I’m flawed God because it means I have more opportunities for you to draw nearer to me and chisel away what’s not of you. Like this fight with Harper. I’m weary and fascinated in how you will work this out God. Only you can because you see where I am emotionally as of now.

If Naomi can disappear for hours on end from me who she considers her best friend and barely tells me her raw emotions, (they’re usually polished) what does she do with you God? It terrifies me to think of a possibility she’s not raw with you. It’s like she always feels the necessity to be polished before she comes to you? I used to be like that. It’s exhausting.

Look at how you worked out my determination to cut Jojo out my life that night. It was insane to me that you, yes you God, made my phone stop working when I tried to have her arrested because she wouldn’t get out of my face. There’s no prisoners when I’m irrationally upset. Thank God you saved me.

And that argument happened because Jojo was defending that son of yours. I felt I snapped out of place because it’s a blurred red now. You illuminated it so the color evolved to pink. Like didn’t Harper ignore Jojo in church once? She’s so nice to him. I wish I saw that; I would’ve wanted to do something but you probably would prevent me as you always do Abba.

But you’re breaking me to build me. Thank you for that precious grace. Why is it that I know a horrible rant or horrendous argument is going to be fixed and resolved if the relationship is God-ordained. That goes for planktonic and romantic. Like Jojo* isn’t going anywhere because you don’t want her to. So I tried it that night. Naomi isn’t going anywhere either no matter how many more tiffs need to occur. She can’t avoid disagreeing with me because she doesn’t like it.

Look how well that worked out for me when I was working in the legal world. I never want her or any of your children to go through what I did. They don’t have to, because I did; and I’ll gladly be your example because I love your people so much despite my personal fight with them. It’s an honor to go lower for them.

It’s hard Abba. I have to fight my foudroyant urge to do what I’m seeing: run and destroy by clinging to the world. So many people are doing it. Seems like life is wonderful. Life looks peachy for Harper* I want to look peachy too. They’re delicious and just melt in your mouth. They have a smooth enticing surface that’s very appealing. Peaches have an unlimited about of juice. Juicy juice. I keep telling you that Harper and I have nothing in common or no life experiences that are parallel. Then Horde happened and you made me remember Jared* and his purpose: to write Horde.

That wasn’t enough though. There’s something else we also share: you took my first boyfriend to heaven Abba. I refuse to believe he’s not up there partying with you. Refuse, because he was so amazing and I would be married to him now. I’m so convinced of that. Yes apart of me thinks that he’s the only guy that will ever get me. My high school sweetheart: it was perfect. We did homework together. We played video games together. I used to wear his letter jacket and went to his basketball games. My parents loved him. His family adored me. Especially his dad. Life was amazing. He was my first kiss at 17 years old. I told him I wasn’t comfortable doing that and wanted to wait for marriage and he was okay with that. I think I saw chirping birds. Who’s really okay with that? Such bliss.

I don’t want to write about him right now. It’s too hurtful and I have to remember he’s not here anymore. I refuse to give him a fake name. I can’t. He was that amazing. Then we broke up for a bit but found our way back to each other. He got caught up in the flashy lifestyle because scouters came to watch him play at school. Then he got injured and I was secretly happy because I didn’t want to be an NBA wife. He would’ve gotten drafted because he was that good. And I’m not just saying that. The horror stories of not only being an NBA wife but just being in the league. I wanted our relationship to keep its purity and innocence. And he was okay with that. I never meet anyone like him.

But then he took that job I had a crappy feeling about and you took him away from me God. Why? He loved me and wanted me from day one. Saw the Labrador that I am when I didn’t even see it. He was the first guy to point out that I didn’t have to blend in and shouldn’t; because I was made to stand out. He wanted to go to the NBA to set us up right and I didn’t care about any of that. But you took him away. And that shifted me. I didn’t make the connection until now. I didn’t want to be here on Earth because he wasn’t here.

What do I do now with this revelation? I should be his wife not fighting to trust you in something Harper doesn’t want. I need to be wanted. I need to be needed. My high school sweetheart did that for me. Jared did that for me. But Jared was never mine. My high school sweetheart was. But he’s gone. And now I have all these memories that I clearly buried. I don’t know how to feel now. I don’t know what to do with any of these foudroyant emotions that bolted through my core. It’s so raw and fresh. And all I can do is give it to you because it’s late and I have one more day to teach until my vacation starts. I am hopping to you Abba.

God you’re breaking a lot out of me. And I thank you God that you love me so much; you’re pruning and carving me until I’m where you need me to be. I miss my high school sweetheart. I had to forget him so that I don’t have the why’d you take him away question. It’s not my place to be upset or question you God. All I need to do is love you and trust you. Thank you God for taking me flaws and all and meeting me to evolve me into the butterfly you need. To groom me to be the daughter you built inside my core so that I can be used to illuminate this darken world. I’ll fix my eyes back on you. Give you all of this and go to sleep now.

I love you Abba. Thank you for it all.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy