I’m making the eudemonic decision to elevate my psyche and walk in the level of peace you see I’m capable of living in Abba. It’s a blessing to be entrusted with the beauty of free will. Your monumental trust in us is breath taking. I am halted to a standstill, in the midst of my thoughts, stopping the transition of formulating words. I’m choking into utter silence. How much you love us ceases to amaze me. I will never get enough of your deliberate determination to show out. You are just so majestic.
I’m waiting. The flag is up, and I’m breathing in stillness. The questions I have, only you have the answers to them all; and you’ll reveal to me should you choose, to answer any, or all areas. Your way, not mine, and your timing, not mine. With everything. You deliberately have what makes no sense to me, looking how it looks. It won’t change my quest to chase you, and my determination to zero in on you; existing solely in the vertical. Regardless of my struggles Abba. I’m never going to stop running straight to your arms, or stop dancing with you. It’s been an incredible ride these past couple of years running straight in your arms. Growing forward.
The best eudemonic choice I made in my life, was choosing to follow your perfect son publicly on April, 4th, 2014. It demolished my buffet of convenience. It halted my nitpicking the bible, and choosing what to follow regardless of my brokenness. It killed my social relationship of being a believer, and my personal relationship with Christ was born. You want our relationship with Jesus personal, but you never intended for it to be private. There’s power in the name of Jesus to be bold not silent. It was still my choice to selectively live for you, because it allowed me to feed my brokenness, and live in my ugly known.
I controlled my ugly known as empty as it felt, as suffocating as it made me; or no matter how trapped, and unhappy I felt, I still knew what to expect in my broken loop. The replay was a blanket to me. A filthy soother like an ill dog going to it’s vomit, because of the broken habit of perspective, and familiarity. My misery was what I had control over; my paralyzing depression, and suicidal fight, was a black abyss of eternal falling, to the self made hell I lived in. I was in so deep, light was forgotten. Truth became lies, and my brokenness is what I trusted as truth. The vortex was expected, because it’s the result I came to know. That’s how broken I was Abba. Thank God you walked me away from such a heartbreaking, and self inflicting dysfunction. You telling me you’d provide the water to defeat my giants; and all I had to do was lift my hand to shovel, and dig the ditches.
The unknown gave me anxiety, and birthed my eating disorders. Change was an infectious disease that wasn’t curable for such a long time. The idea of eating glass, or laying in the middle of the I-95 seemed more appealing. But then Anderson* happened and your Great Name was glorified. I had enough of the brokenness. The switch in my mind shifted up. And that’s when you illuminated me, because I lifted my hand, and called for help by digging my ditches.
I needed to be spit out from the belly of that whale. The overflowing water from the blackest part of the sea became too much. I was over my lungs being crushed, and I was over being away from you God. That’s when you sent out Jojo* to cross my path again. That’s when she planted the seeds of The Brooklyn Tabernacle. That’s when she was persistent to not leave my life. To walk me through ending my life, and hop to Jesus, because she unraveled me. The rest is the beautiful journey that brought us here Abba. Me and you constant one. And the vessels you want in my life. My sword is lifted as your warrior.
I never looked back to the temporary residue of this broken world. As tantalizing as anything I chased here was, whether it was men, or money; or a combination of both that created the falsified, yet empty deluded lifestyle. It always lasted a season only, and I had to find the next fix. Because delusions don’t last forever.
There’s so many times you can relive a loop before you tell God you want to tap out, and be spit out from the belly of the whale. I’m not only speaking from experience; but I was the biggest supporter of running, and being in denial. It’s an addicting brokenness to keep seeking the ugly, and keep living in that dysfunctional loop, all because embracing a beautiful unknown has no lacing of The Crysta Control syndrome.
I have no idea if my challenge of relinquishing control initially derives from being sexually assaulted at 19; or it’s my upbringing, or just even a combination of all ingredients, that make-up the supernatural map, you lovingly formulated that makes me your daughter. This path called life, and testimony you are trusting me to walk through, is truly a humbling honor. You are the only one that has the answer to this question on my wrestle with control; but I’m honestly grateful for my flaws that birthed my shortcomings and failures. They built my trust in you, and grew my faith tremendously even when it felt, or looked otherwise. Like the Harper* holography.
Holography is scientifically practicing holograms. Holograms are fascinating, because there’s more than one surface. There’s more than one way to envision or interpret the artistry. That’s real art to me: the ability to envision the same creation multiple ways.
I used to love painting and sketching. As a teenager I used to go to the park, and sketch; or stare at my mom’s fruit bowls she assembled together, and do shade ins. Drawing and painting used to be so therapeutic for me. My mom’s an amazing artist; and used to just blow my mind with her talents, but she stopped suddenly like I did.
Then I blabbed inadvertently to Naomi* about the ability to draw, and paint; and she took me to this amazing artist store in Union Square. It made my heart flutter slightly in the midst of my nervousness. We both bought sketching pads and colored pencils. I gravitated towards the black pads. I never did artwork on a black surface before.
That was a month ago, and I have yet to sketch even though I keep seeing images to draw, and create. I guess they won’t stop, until I put pencil to paper will they Abba? You’re trying to get my attention in an area I’ve convinced myself left me. Just like you’ve already shown me where I stood with my singing voice. And you have me doing something in January that freaks me out. But I’m saying yes to you, because you were patient enough to see me grasp your hand full throttle.
Changes are the unknown, and when they’re God-ordained, I will always walk in a successful victory. Because they are a testament to your Great Name. If I do anything that doesn’t magnify you Abba, immediately remove it from my life. Because I wouldn’t be here without you God. I wouldn’t be so close to you nor would I be so confident in my walk, and trust you completely with whatever comes next. Everything I’ve been through, and experienced has brought me to this exact moment of clarity.
This exact day. December 21st 2015. Exactly a year ago you prompted me to do something for that son of yours that I didn’t want to do, because it was absurd to me. But I did it because you’re my Creator. You are my alpha and my omega. The origin begins with you, because you’re the artist that birthed it all. And only you can end anything that encompasses me. Ridiculous faith.
The 365 days I’ve been blessed to live since last year has been one educational and beautiful blessing. I lost three people that mattered so much to me. Went through some family storms I’m still trusting you to deliver my beloveds from. And you will because you always honor big faith. As stormy as this Harper holography felt to walk through, I’m grateful for it all. It helped me to take the eudemonic step to run even faster to you. I decided I’ll never not take everything to you ever again.
Harper was an amazing test that I passed. I’m proud of that. Nothing will occur with him unless you make it happen. I can say that with conviction, and total freedom. Worldly Crysta would have never been able to say that about any guy. I can say that about the man I’ll marry one day, because you’ll bring him in my life Abba; and you’ll tell him to cut in our dance. All I have to do is keep chasing you, and keep dancing with you.
Because I’m in love with you loving me God. It’s the sweetest gift and emotion I’ve ever felt in my life. No one is worth losing that. I’m grateful for Anderson too, because he was the last draw that caused me to look up. He made my dysfunction hurt enough to surrender, and allow you to guide me out of the abyss I walked myself in. I forgive everyone that ever hurt me. Because they were used to draw me closer to you, therefore they are all a blessing; nothing is better than you God. No one will ever be either. The Harper holography showed me that he’ll never be an idol for me. I’ll never ever put him above you God.
And this season has been molding me to be a proverbs 31 woman. A proverbs 31 wife. A proverbs 31 daughter. You’re preparing me for my future husband. You’re chiseling away what’s not of you, so I can be the rib my future husband needs. So I’m so thankful for this hologram. That makes me excited, because I’ll be better effective to do the edifying walk, that you called me to walk through, right along side my future husband; to execute exactly as you created me and him to do.
I see Harper as a holographic storm, that you did not remove no matter how many times I reasoned; or talked to you about it before. Holography is gorgeous, yet complex because of the multiple surfaces, and various perspectives that can be comprehended. Many hats. Many characters. Many roles to mask the real human underneath it all.
That’s what your son Harper does Abba. I see him. I see it all but only because you allowed me to constant one. There’s so much hidden beauty being snuffed out, and that’s understood completely to me. I did it for my entire life before April 4, 2014. It’s not necessary, but I get it. He hasn’t reached the point where he had enough; so he can’t give you the signal yet Abba. To be illuminated as you make the way, through the darkness to show him how to get to the surface. Anderson was my last draw.
Maybe his last draw is right around the corner, or closer than he even realizes. It’s like floating like a glistening and melting iceberg; or on the sea in a boat, then suddenly an iceberg is seen from a distance. At first glance it seems harmless, small, but the closer you get, the bigger and more harmful it becomes. That’s how the titanic sunk. Icebergs are a fascinating piece of ice. Rock solid hard. Roughly cut and it’s unclear how much the foundation is hidden in the black abyss of the ocean.
An iceberg can be admired as beautiful, and can evolve, or it can destroy because everything isn’t seen; it all depends on what the surrounding of the iceberg is. Like what’s feeding the iceberg wind to make it harder, and keep it in the dark buried in the blackest part of the ocean? Or is the sun creating crystallization, magnifying the beauty as it glistens, and softens from the melting; and shedding to ultimately float to the surface?
Harper is comfortable being an iceberg, isn’t he Abba?. Being seen, but not fully. On the water, but not actively floating on the surface because its roots are hidden in the dark. Then again it can be argued that an iceberg has multiple surfaces, or at the very least, multiple edges with various shapes; various cuts, like bruises from cuts we accumulate over time, through life experiences.
Pain is a penetrator that occurs over years of avoidance. Pain can be masked, snuffed to the bottom of an iceberg; sitting in a black abyss where it’s staying hidden and untouched. It’s not fully known how deep the ice is grounded in that black abyss of the ocean. So the level of pain will only come to the surface when the iceberg can illuminate to the surface by floating.
Water represents cleansing and purity; a beautiful new beginning with our savior, but it only happens in the light and in total surrender. An abyss can’t be blessed if we don’t pick up our shovel to dig the ditches for our illumination. Only then will you fill them with water to save us from the Giants of the world. You’ll always provide a way God when there seems to be none.
But we have to hop to you, and follow your voice no matter how ugly our hop is; or the fact we can’t see where we are going; following your voice is enough. Ridiculous faith. That’s when you honor us; when you see our actions being executed. When we make the eudemonic decision to float, not fight on the water, by redirecting our eyes back to Jesus. In the dark so much can be hidden. But thank God you use everything for your glory.
It’s not an accident you have me mediating, and doing a bible plan on the intercessor Elisha from my bible app. I’m soaking up the incredible greatness. And I see it changing me or more like shifting me to that space Naomi* was talking about; because I had no clue what she was saying. It was more like I didn’t want to see what she was saying; because it meant I’d have to stop what is holding me back now.
My eudemonic choice to encourage my anger is a hinderance you want me to dismantle. Anger isn’t of you God, but it allows me to be a brat; when I honestly don’t have to be. I don’t have to stoop to the space many of your children are struggling in, and sadly can’t see it some of the times. But there are other moments they know exactly what they’re doing.
Sometimes rising above feels like it’s for nothing, and a waste of time; so I rebel and conform. I ignore how awkward, and wrong it feels. I don’t always catch the crazy called my anger. It’s just as surprising to me as my expressions. And that’s probably why you also have me mediating on James 3 and the book of Proverbs; so that I’m consistent with being slow to anger, and understanding truly how lethal my tongue is. And how deeply my words cut, regardless of how tough I am. Not everyone is me. Not everyone walked what I walked through. Not everyone chases you full throttle. Not everyone is making the eudemonic acceptance to live by faith not by sight.
These past 365 days had a lot of pivotal moments and occurrences for me. And the fact that I’m thriving, and not just surviving is a testament to how great you are Abba. The deaths of my beloved family members devastated me; but I immediately ran to you. Not what worldly Crysta would have done. I made the choice to find my strength in you and not lean on my own understanding.
Everything involving Harper, I’m incredibly grateful for because it propelled me to be the proverbs 31 woman for my future husband and for your people. I’m becoming a better daughter for your kingdom and that’s all because of this season. Especially this past year I walked through because of you. Whatever you have in stored for 2016, I accept and I say yes to it God. I have no clue what you’re going to do or how you’re going to do it regarding this hologram. But you’ll step in and lead the way. Je Suis Pret > Tableu Vivants.
I love you constant one.
This path called life belongs Jesus Christ.
*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy