Kerflooey

Dearest Abba,

Oh how I love you. How I love to love you. You are the embodiment of love. Because you are love. Everything about love is beautiful, especially the trials; they are used to edify how great, and big you are. True love only exists, when you are at the center. When you put, your Holy Spirit stamp of approval.

There is nothing that you can’t overturn.

There is no life you don’t protect.

We are all your chosen ones.

Abba, I love you so much. I can’t stop saying that, or feeling my increasing openness to love you boldly. To love you supernaturally, and fearlessly.

I’m no longer afraid of this side of my heart coming to the surface.

I’m no longer afraid of seeing everything and anything you show me anymore constant one.

It’s not an accident, I watched Hallmark Movie channel all day yesterday; and that completely mirrored, or triggered emotions that I feel walking in this season. Watching one movie, triggered a desire, I didn’t realize I longed for, and it was an eye opener.

I want and need love declared to me the way that female character did with her true love. She corrected her error of not realizing he was always the one by speaking a language he understood. That melted my heart.

It’s probably not an accident, that she realized, the right guy was the one at the midnight hour. As she was scheduled to leave the country permanently, with the wrong man, which she was in a relationship with.

It’s also probably not an accident, that this wrong relationship and guy turned her into an unrecognizable human. She stopped being herself. Where she started chasing money. In this path called life, that belongs to Jesus Christ. Money is a god that we can’t afford to be fogged by.

Biblically there’s one master: God or other. If God doesn’t ordain your wealth, or he’s not in the center of that pursuit, then you’re serving the wrong master. And it’s suffocating your Holy Spirit. That’s worse than being unsaved. Knowing what you’re doing is wrong, and still doing it. It’s worse than being lukewarm.

That movie triggered a deep desire, that I wasn’t aware consumed me. In fact all the mushy love movies, that I watched yesterday, triggered deep desires. And all these movies had the same recurring theme: true love always wins no matter what. It doesn’t matter, how impossible the situation looks like, moments like that you bask in constant one. You are walking me through an insanely looking season that doesn’t mirror what you have been telling me for the past two plus years.

The man you said I’m promised to is completely isolated from the body. He is completely running from you, and hiding in the wrong he’s clinging to. He’s completely going through the motions doing everything in his power to numb and disconnect; from the self created vomit he doesn’t want to walk away from.

Yes, it hurts he’s still choosing this wrong decision, but what devastates me more is his dullness. It breaks my heart the most that his vertical is horizontal. His radical is clinging to his fleshly desires. It hurts so intenselythat he’s not radically serving for your kingdom, the way you birthed him to be. Or walking in his true purpose.

That is far more impossible to bear witness to, than my heart being hurt about his current choice in his personal life. A proverbs 31 wife, pushes her husband vertical. As a rib it’s our sole duty to protect the heart of our husband, and only your covering can do that Abba. Not anything on this planet or anything we chase here: just you.

That is not transpiring for the man you promised me. I don’t want to call him by the protected identity name that I created for him anymore Abba. You, him and I know his real name. That protective task went kerflooey, because it doesn’t work anymore.

This separation doesn’t work anymore, walking through this seemingly impossible season isn’t working anymore. He’s suffering, I’m suffering, and your will through our pending union is suffering. It’s time that we are one. A cord with three strings, is unbreakable so it’s time to make us one: You, him, and I.

I know you can walk me through anything. I can survive any devastating fire unaffected, and not torched because of the sanctified bubble that you have protecting me. It is the faithful fact you cling my right hand, so tightly that makes me your fearless, brave, and bold daughter I am today.

As terrifying as this turbulence feels, looks, or sounds like: I still have my peace. I never stopped floating on the water even during my slippery fumbles of my horizontal glances. I always regrouped, and completed my first downs, or field goals as my comeback. It doesn’t matter, what the aggressive winds, throw my way. I am still, because you are God.

You use storms of the impossible, to magnify your Perfect Name. Storms of insanity, according to the humanistic mind, are specifically designed to illuminate your kingdom. Impossible, is your special ingredient. You always win, regardless what we as your children attempt. No matter what mess we create, or how big we create it; you are bigger than our fleshy stubbornness.

Like the son that is promised to me, and his determination to cling to what he knows, no matter how miserable he is, isn’t bigger than you.

His fear of the unknown… Not bigger than you.

His terrible exercise to buffet obeying you… Not bigger than you.

His deluded belief where he thinks he’s in control… Not bigger than you.

You see all. You use everything for your glory; including his free will choice to run straight into the wrong arms.

It doesn’t matter what he publicly attempts to project you always reveal the truth to me Constant One. He’s not fooling anyone not her, not those around him, nor me. He’s not even fooling himself. The truth is, he doesn’t belong where he is. And he knows that God. Ignoring the truth will never change that, you can ignore piercing conviction for so long. I should know. I used to be in these shoes. The residue is so fresh on my tongue. I can still taste the poison.

The walls are closing in for him, yet he’s not taking the way out you have shown him. As a daughter to you Highest One it’s unbearable to witness this unnecessary reality.

Thank you, for trusting me with the revelations that you trust me with.

Thank you for training me to fight for your will in bold fearless prayer.

Thank you, for the S on my chest, and the armor needed for this war so that this error, of a season your son, and my future husband is in can go kerflooey.

Make it impossible for the fact to be ignored: it is done. You’ve said and shown these words multiple times. This is the sixth dip in the Jordan River for him; and the sixth man, before facing Jesus for her. The bolder you push me the clearer I see this supernatural fact.

Thank you, for making me fearful to ever rest, and trust the horizontal ever again.

Thank you, for making me unashamed, and setting me free.

Thank you, for your patience in me, to own my instinctive belief of the supernatural.

Thank you, for making my practical, logical, and horizontal instincts go kerflooey.

There is no room for that trajectory for where you are taking me; and how you are preparing to use me.

You blessed me with gifts, you are still teaching me how to edify your kingdom.

You always knew, I would get to this space. I did not.

Thank you, for graciously loving me through this unraveling season.

Thank you, for removing every residue area, of the broken girl I cling to throughout my teens, twenties, and now.

I did it, so your other children don’t have to. You have created a blueprint through my writing as a map for your struggling children; like the man you promised me, and so many others. I proudly say yes to being your vessel. I proudly say yes to drawing the dots so vividly.

Thank you, for transforming the fearful, closed off isolator that hid in a cloak of invisibility: into the proverbs 31 woman, I am today.

Thank you, for shifting my eyes exactly, where you need them: fixed on you to execute the tasks you command. I’m here Abba. You say jump, I say how high, and how many times.

I’m ceasing without praying.

I’m your proverbs 31 daughter.

You make ways for me, because I’m in constant conversation with you. You are already making a way regarding this humbling burden that’s a piercing surge through my heart. It’s not just an ache on my heart to be with this man that you placed in my heart; it’s about her walking in her true identity: daughter to the Highest King. Daughters to the Highest King, do not settle they don’t take just any treatment, or any behavior from anyone.

I comprehend fully why you placed the burden in my heart to pray for her. To love on her from afar, because no one is lifting her up to you outside of blood. You knew I’d see with clarity, that I don’t hate her, and I never hated her. How could I? I used to be her. I used to chase validation in a man, and convinced myself every single time it was going to work. I too, ignored your promptings, and your ways out.

I chose to ignore all of that, and swim in my own self made vomit. Until you used Anderson* as my last draw. I knew it wasn’t Anderson from day one. The empty misery, I chose to live in, with Anderson went kerflooey. You removed him, at the midnight hour, from my life. You had to because I kept ignoring your way out.

So you broke me, to build me exactly as my devotional said yesterday, and the same recurring theme in all my bible studying. I wouldn’t be the radical daughter, that I am today without you breaking me the way you did. Thank you for that gift constant one.

You wrestled with me, and won through this insane season that I see as a holography. Because, I was so convinced the son you promised to me was flesh. I’ve been down that road with Anderson, and Edward;* and I had no interest in me repeating drinking poison. It’s worse than death. I’m so grateful you intervened in my foolish attempt to take my own life. I didn’t create myself; you created me.

Thank you, for lovingly and patiently walking me through the process of forgiving myself.

Thank you, for waiting in faith that I would get to this space of forgiveness and acceptance of everything.

My actions of my past, and present. The wrong decisions that I made that weren’t aligned for your purpose on my life. All of these moments are now being used to edify your Great Name. The broken daughter that I used to be went kerflooey.

I own the proverbs 31 skin you are chiseling me to be for your kingdom, and for my future husband. The same future husband, you showed me in October of 2013. You never corrected my understanding all this time, despite my cries of petition to remove him. You consistently keep showing me it’s him, so it’s him.

You told me during power hour of last year’s retreat that this wrong season he’s walking in, without me will go kerflooey.

You also told me I know my husband by his name, and she is my sister in Christ.

For the longest I counted down until this information you told me God became a reality. The more time passed, the more my eyes saw an atomic kaboom. The complete opposite, of what you informed me. That shook my faith, and hope. My ridiculous faith, in my pending love story with this son of yours, went kerflooey.

I did everything in my power to remove, what I clearly thought was a misunderstanding, despite the consistency being channeled, it’s him. And also, through the word, and through Naomi*, Jojo*, and Daniel.* It did not work, because it wasn’t supposed to. Our faith only increases when it’s greatly tested. It doesn’t get more massive then this current season.

You are purposely allowing this season to be as far as it is, because it is designed to show all three of us, how big you are. This season, is also created to showcase only you are in control.

Not him. Not her. And not me.

You are using all three, of our discomforts and determination to snuff out what’s pending: this wrong season will go kerflooey. This season is a tool to edify your name, Constant One. When all is said and done both of them will be radical vessels. Thank God.

You have revealed to me they are both unhinged, as I was when I was with Anderson. The last twenty minutes of my wrong season, with Anderson lasted too long: two years. But you glorified your name, by making it the last wrong season that I would ever walk through, with a man. Anderson was my “sixth man,” before seeing, and falling truly in love with Jesus.

This is a crystal clear blueprint, designed for the children you called me to be an example for. It’s not just for my future husband. He’s only the beginning. Without experiencing Anderson, I would never be the radical lighter, who unravels not wraps bandages, that I am today, because that terrible storm needed to occur.

Because I know with conviction after my “sixth failure,” Jesus is the only man who can ever satisfy my heart and who truly validates me: because he’s the greatest man I know. There’s no one greater to chase or cling to.

Thank you, for trusting me to illuminate the darkness as your lighter.

Thank you, for trusting me to spark the necessary areas of your community that desperately need revival.

I say yes, to being your compass.

I love loving you. I love loving your people. It no longer matters, if I’m loved back; because you’ve proven how much you love me God. You let your perfect son die for messed up me. Flawed, bratty, fearful, insecure, obnoxious me; there isn’t enough words to describe what a hot mess I am. But God, then you spent the last two plus years: transforming me into, the fearless, bold, and brave daughter.

I will never stay silent again.

I will always absurdly follow your command.

I will always submit to your will for my life.

Keep speaking to me Abba, in every area. I’ll keep saying yes, and I’ll keep going to war for you in prayer. I’ll keep my armor in place in every facet you deem fit to use me.

I heard yesterday that it’s foolish to wait for passion to knock you in the chest. Then call me a fool. I’m waiting for that passionate true love to knock me everywhere in my chest, and off my feet. I’ll never settle again. You’ve already shown me true love, through Jesus. My first real love. So I’ll wait for my second real love, to enter my life: my future husband. In the mean time, I’ll stay prayed up in stillness for my Prince Charming, to come to me.

Love, your daughter, thank you, for being my Highest King.

This path called life, belongs to Jesus Christ.

Happy birthday little brother, I love you, beyond expression.
*names changed, for privacy purposes, #TeamProPrivacy

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