Dreams

So, I was behind in my bible challenge with my sisters, and it bothered me so much. But awesome God!!!! He woke me up at 2:30ish and I read chapter 3 of Thessalonians. Man did it resonate so much with me. I am so concerned about this pain not having a purpose but man! Does it!!!! After praying and reading the word, God told me to hold on. Little did I know it was a reminder of what came later. So I was like duh God I am, you know me being the sassy sass that I can be. Anyway. So I completed one of my leadership devos, it had me meditate on 1 Samuel 15. That chapter spoke so much to me, don’t even remember it all. But I bible journaled on it and posted it on my Instagram page. Not cowering to fear has been one of my biggest wrestles with God. 

Anyway, that’s not the greatest revelation. I fell asleep reading 1 Samuel 15. And Satan entered my dream, but I’ll tell you why it was a blessing. I wasn’t scared. God was with me. So the dream was really weird, lol. Like man I don’t even know if I can do justice to it by attempting to describe it, but I will try. So it was a bunch of men, some clear and some foggy. But that wasn’t even the weirdest part. It was a big space. Like massive, with a lot of “cubicle” looking spaces, but they were divided by at least three inches in width, grey plastic. And it felt like an ugly colorless Lego world for adults. It was so bizarre because I’m all about color. That was the first sign to me. Anyway, Jojo* was there and talking a lot, but I just felt the word rambling being pressed on my heart repetitively. And I was immediately looking to get out. Sign number 2. Because God is not a God of confusion. That’s in 1 Corinthians 14. I didn’t feel confused but where Jojo* and I were, was set up in confusion so that’s what told me this wasn’t of God. And that’s what made me see Satan entered my realm of dreams where God should only dwell. And I wasn’t scared but I didn’t realize I wasn’t fearful until after I woke up. 

Back to the dream. So then I saw really small red exit signs, like they were so small, I barely noticed them. And I’m blind as a bat. The red exit sign was the only color. The library had color too but I’ll explain that in a few. The red exit sign was a size that a human can’t fit through, so I was like that’s not going to work. Then to my left I saw a library and I got excited!! Because I said oh yay the bible could be there. So I went through a metal turnstile and as soon as I entered I immediately left. It was pressed on my heart that it was a trap. Then I realized that I’m taking longer than usual to wake up. 

Usually when Satan attempts I call on Jesus and I wake up. But I got distracted when I left the library, and saw Jojo* collapse on the floor. Like just laying there alive but lifeless. (Like someone that’s spiritually dead) not saying Jojo* was spiritually dead but that’s the best imagery I can muster up to paint the closest picture. 

Anyway, then I collapsed too, and I was like what the heck is this? But that’s not what took my attention the most… The lustful spirit that consumed me suddenly, took my attention. And I was like oh flip, this hasn’t happened since I was of the world. So I called on Jesus, and the dream switched to my bed, but I knew I wasn’t fully up still. I kept repeating Jesus is Lord. Over and over and over and over. And the stronghold that Satan was trying with became weaker. Then I heard myself singing Holy Spirit, which I will have on repeat today, all day. Amen. 

But the greatest revelation through this dream was the fact that God sees every corner of my heart, with all the hidden secrets, that I tried to even hide from myself. God is showing me that I’m no longer afraid, even though my habits and patterns still speak of that truth. My core, that He’s been strengthening, is rock solid. And I’m ready. For whatever that will lead, I don’t agree with God but it’s His will not mine. 

As I’ve formulated these words, I realize that God wants me to share this in my blog. I really don’t want to do that, because I don’t talk about my dreams. Not with many people anyway, but that’s leaning on my understanding not God’s. When I picked up the cross two years ago, I laid down my life at the same time. Therefore it’s His voice over mine. What I will say saints, stay encouraged as hard as that seems. And as crippling as that feels, it does get better. Be bold, and be brave, because you have the Creator of everything guiding you. You’ll only trust this truth completely when you submit to Him. Give Him everything and watch Him blow your mind. Everything has a purpose, including dreams. Blessings my fellow chosen. 

*name changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

Tangibility 

Dearest Abba,

This discomfort of boldness leaves me feeling so exposed. It makes me feel like there’s a zeroed in microscopic flashing bolt, illuminating the excruciating area you have me existing. It’s small enough to notice every single detail, yet large enough to demolish the darkness. The darkness you had your precious son die for. He turned the light on by beating death. My rapid heat in my repetitive beat. My King who makes my soul sing. My King who holds the key to my ready ring. My King who protects my reject in my triggered sting.

This challenge you have your fellow daughters, and myself doing for the next thirty days is truly exciting. This challenge is mind blowing, truly showing my life is not my own. What I’ve come to walk as my comfortable known is being dismantled by your precious throne. I’m all about going deeper and lower in you God. No matter how unconfined this journey becomes. I’m yours and you’re mine. So keep conforming me through this insane feeling called transforming. 

Even how we’ve been cultivating and resting in this sisterhood is all you. Four very different personalities, testimonies and realities are biblically becoming one accord by you. You’ve edified our disobediences the day we meet to bring us all together. Regardless of the running your great name is drumming on our hearts completely in sync. That’s what you do God, turn the mess into the confessions of your message with your godly suggestions. There’s a disconnect that I choose to neglect, yet you use me dwelling in your shade. In your presence I cannot fade. 

You’re changing up our whole routine God. It’s a routine I created but you’re no longer allowing it to be permeated. I can’t stand it. I’m so upset. I’m really wonderful at falling back and hiding. But you’re rewinding my mind so I can find, the cognitive psych originating my trigger. Because it’s bigger than me. I really don’t like that I now see. With your eyes, I’m so mystified and yet you’re walking me through the petrified that feels so paralyzing. You’re biblically teaching me in your loving analyzing that Your Will be done. 

I just want to be mute and celebrate my silent salute. To you, because your love is true. Human love is conditional and there’s always a motive of some form of self seeking. The destructive caress of my flesh, is tantalizing and addictive. It’s the clog of a sinful fog that’s so easily disguised. They’re so pale, and by the time we notice we’re in deep rooted scales, completely swallowed in that whale. Like your son Jonah. Who ran from his purpose, it just didn’t go with his focus. So he threw a tantrum, and ran away. Sounds familiar. And you said okay, let’s play my way. Because you told Jonah you will be what I made you to be, no matter what you want me to see. 

It’s so mirroring when our meditation is a dedication to seek your truth. The tangibility of our availability is a tranquility in your operation. Because you conform us in our transform through these massive multiple storms. The reality in this modern day galaxy: not much changed. Sin is still sin, and defiance is an alliance of our falsified and dangerous guidance. 

I don’t even like that you have me collecting comprehensive letters by expressing this. Because I know, you’ll make me go to a place I can’t stand. “Doing you,” is a deluded proof you kaboom in this illuminating zoom. You’ll make me post this confessing my host. Of a projected belief that all is a relief. In my mind all is well. What a lie, everything is not swell. That’s the furthest from the truth with these pending words as your proof. 

I just want to dissolve our biblical contract. You make me see. I’m free in you but that’s not fully true, for we are one body with many parts, and there’s a scaffolding of wandering hearts. The pain is no gain in the massive rain that’s released from our displease. The pale scales prevail. 

The harder I love you the harder my avoidance becomes true. What your people feel I feel. It’s a broken reel that conceals the security of Your Purity. So the amenity of their identity is on pause. There’s cluttered dirt so press play on the wrong insert. And you have me standing in this land to connect as a band for your scattered sand. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. The rapid wildfires are still radiating rust. Triggers are bigger than mans comprehension, and so many are ready to combust. All we can do is just blindly trust.

With this truth, my desire is still strong in clinging to my aloof. And all I want to do is hide, as you dismantle my selfish pride. And all I want to do is slide in this dysfunctional haze, that’ll continue my deluded daze. But this illuminating glow is Your Purpose to project Your Grow. It’s Your Flow, I follow so you dismantle my hallow swallow. 

In my boldness there’s still coldness, because pain is a reel that feels so real. There’s internal gunshot wounds that continue to be used as my prune by You. Full display so that your people can see. Full display in their secret dismay, they may walk in the be: they are not alone and can now see. There’s a brewing linkage is this suffocating sinkage. Blind eyes no longer have to feed lies, and secretly die because only you have the hidden answers to their why’s. You are the mystery in our repeated history. You are the sole truth in the breakage of the bondage aloof. You are the key from being free from the crippling cling to tangibility. We loudly salute in your loving tribute. Thank you for being true. We wait for You. 

Love your daughter. Blessings my fellow chosen. 

Note: Another confession: I delayed what I’m good at because I’ve witnessed how it changed the perception of people and me. They went from “foe” to “friend.” Because they saw a way to capitalize on my abilities. I just felt like a used dollar sign. It made me feel so used and abused like a peace of meat. That could’ve been one of many triggers that pulled me into my depression seasons and why I attempted my life so many times. I never told anyone this and writing that, made me see God really does know every secret corner of our hearts. God is so amazing and through my discomfort I keep seeing I can trust Him wholeheartedly.

Hero

her soul sets to sing 

You are her lifting wing

You hold her ready ring

You protect with reject 

her triggered sting

You taught her feet to dance 

In this paralyzing stance 

Your love strokes 

Painting analyzing actions 

In no waiting fleshly satisfactions 

her upward falling 

Is Your calling

her stomping to be free

Is Your prompting to be

he is ready to see

You are making all things new

The missing ingredients in their illustration

Is Your correction in their soulful demonstration 

You are always true

Three strands are he + You + her

You’ve halted her stir 

You taught her to rest

In her Cornerstone Best

You taught her to withstand 

The lack of linkage

In Your sanded land

You’ve halted her sinkage 

You’ve sparked her to rejuvenate

In Your Radiated Illuminate 

she wants to still in stay 

Gleaming in Your Protected Ray

You are enforcing truth

That rejects her aloof

With Your Streaming Proof 

her soul sets to sing 

You are her lifting wing

You hold the ready ring

You protect with reject 

her triggered sting

You taught her feet to dance 

In this paralyzing stance 

Your love strokes 

Painting analyzing actions 

In no waiting fleshly satisfactions 

her upward falling 

Is Your calling

In her stillness 

You are her Kinetic Williness

She doesn’t agree 

With her spiritual seeing 

he is becoming a revive being

her survive is all things new

Your Illustrations are always true 

Three strands are he + You + her

You’ve halted her stir 

Their level of frenzied flesh is zero

You are their interwoven Hero 

You are the linkage in their sinkage 

You elaborate on their sinful evaporate 

There’s Your Security 

In their pending purity 

You push them to trust Your Mystery

And halt the reel of the passing history 

her soul sets to sing 

You are her lifting wing

You hold the ready ring

You protect with reject 

her triggered sting

You taught her feet to dance 

In this paralyzing stance 

Your love strokes 

Painting analyzing actions 

In no waiting fleshly satisfactions 

her upward falling 

Is Your calling

she feeds the wrong

It feels safe 

That’s no longer her song

her heart is being chafe 

her multiple fears

Is surfacing after years 

Your Purpose is lovingly releasing

The tears of her displeasing

You block her desired cocoon 

It is no longer her go to strewn

she is Your Catapulted Butterfly 

she upward falls 

soaring in Your Sky

In her roaring resistance 

she’s Your Ready persistence 

You dismantled all walls

For three strands he + You + her

You’ve halted her stir 

Regardless of her stance 

she will waltz in Your Dance

Until you pass her to Your he

For three strands he + You + her 

To finally be

Creating what You’ve seen and always will see

he + You + her

Together they will stir

Poet’s Note: Dearest Constant One is beyond pushing me. I can’t stand it, but the risk of not being intimate with Him is a far more greater risk, than my discomfort. So He leads me to artistically project the stirring emotions that rise to my surface His way. Even my delusional theory of one day having my cloak of invisibility, is no longer working. Every single day, as I’m blessed to breathe, and choose my King, He shows me a different side of the daughter He’s painting me to be. Stroke by stroke.  Because I’d rather my King be my personal artist. He has purpose for everything. And my determination to chase Him will never slow down, no matter what. That’s a consistency I’m humbled with, and sit in great gratitude of possessing. So I will keep confessing His way. I’ll keep chasing His Rays. It’s the greatest adventure ever. Don’t take my word for it, take His hand and discover the gift of the uncover all for yourself. You won’t regret it. Blessings my fellow chosen. 

Regret 

So with regret

It suggests the let

To the set

Of the I’s and the why’s

That bind the blind 

Pale scales prevail 

your choice

Blocks His voice 

Stunt the troop

In this loop

So with regret

It suggests the let

To the set

Of the I’s and why’s

That bind the blind 

Pale scales prevail 

There’s no truth 

Only He has proof

you’re His chosen

Be interwoven 

With the ties that bind

His cord to link

Preventing your sink

So with regret

It suggests the let

To the set 

Of the I’s and the why’s

That bind the blind 

you’re hallow in this swallow

The residue is not a virtue 

For it’s just not true

He makes all things new

Don’t go to guilt 

Birth His built 

Hide in His wing

Let your soul sing 

you’re His chosen 

Be interwoven 

To His key

He sets you free

He gives permission to be

Allow the scales to fade

Hide in His shade

Then you will see

Poet’s Note: These words started swimming in my head as I was teaching my favorite little humans today. I was pondering on how many people I love, that completely swims in regret. It’s so heartbreaking and just an abyss of lies, that only our King can free us from. If I can be set free, then so can you. Time moves forward not backwards and guess who’s above time? Our King. So let Him be who you need. Trust me when I say, you will be set free. Blessings my fellow chosen.