This discomfort of boldness leaves me feeling so exposed. It makes me feel like there’s a zeroed in microscopic flashing bolt, illuminating the excruciating area you have me existing. It’s small enough to notice every single detail, yet large enough to demolish the darkness. The darkness you had your precious son die for. He turned the light on by beating death. My rapid heat in my repetitive beat. My King who makes my soul sing. My King who holds the key to my ready ring. My King who protects my reject in my triggered sting.
This challenge you have your fellow daughters, and myself doing for the next thirty days is truly exciting. This challenge is mind blowing, truly showing my life is not my own. What I’ve come to walk as my comfortable known is being dismantled by your precious throne. I’m all about going deeper and lower in you God. No matter how unconfined this journey becomes. I’m yours and you’re mine. So keep conforming me through this insane feeling called transforming.
Even how we’ve been cultivating and resting in this sisterhood is all you. Four very different personalities, testimonies and realities are biblically becoming one accord by you. You’ve edified our disobediences the day we meet to bring us all together. Regardless of the running your great name is drumming on our hearts completely in sync. That’s what you do God, turn the mess into the confessions of your message with your godly suggestions. There’s a disconnect that I choose to neglect, yet you use me dwelling in your shade. In your presence I cannot fade.
You’re changing up our whole routine God. It’s a routine I created but you’re no longer allowing it to be permeated. I can’t stand it. I’m so upset. I’m really wonderful at falling back and hiding. But you’re rewinding my mind so I can find, the cognitive psych originating my trigger. Because it’s bigger than me. I really don’t like that I now see. With your eyes, I’m so mystified and yet you’re walking me through the petrified that feels so paralyzing. You’re biblically teaching me in your loving analyzing that Your Will be done.
I just want to be mute and celebrate my silent salute. To you, because your love is true. Human love is conditional and there’s always a motive of some form of self seeking. The destructive caress of my flesh, is tantalizing and addictive. It’s the clog of a sinful fog that’s so easily disguised. They’re so pale, and by the time we notice we’re in deep rooted scales, completely swallowed in that whale. Like your son Jonah. Who ran from his purpose, it just didn’t go with his focus. So he threw a tantrum, and ran away. Sounds familiar. And you said okay, let’s play my way. Because you told Jonah you will be what I made you to be, no matter what you want me to see.
It’s so mirroring when our meditation is a dedication to seek your truth. The tangibility of our availability is a tranquility in your operation. Because you conform us in our transform through these massive multiple storms. The reality in this modern day galaxy: not much changed. Sin is still sin, and defiance is an alliance of our falsified and dangerous guidance.
I don’t even like that you have me collecting comprehensive letters by expressing this. Because I know, you’ll make me go to a place I can’t stand. “Doing you,” is a deluded proof you kaboom in this illuminating zoom. You’ll make me post this confessing my host. Of a projected belief that all is a relief. In my mind all is well. What a lie, everything is not swell. That’s the furthest from the truth with these pending words as your proof.
I just want to dissolve our biblical contract. You make me see. I’m free in you but that’s not fully true, for we are one body with many parts, and there’s a scaffolding of wandering hearts. The pain is no gain in the massive rain that’s released from our displease. The pale scales prevail.
The harder I love you the harder my avoidance becomes true. What your people feel I feel. It’s a broken reel that conceals the security of Your Purity. So the amenity of their identity is on pause. There’s cluttered dirt so press play on the wrong insert. And you have me standing in this land to connect as a band for your scattered sand. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. The rapid wildfires are still radiating rust. Triggers are bigger than mans comprehension, and so many are ready to combust. All we can do is just blindly trust.
With this truth, my desire is still strong in clinging to my aloof. And all I want to do is hide, as you dismantle my selfish pride. And all I want to do is slide in this dysfunctional haze, that’ll continue my deluded daze. But this illuminating glow is Your Purpose to project Your Grow. It’s Your Flow, I follow so you dismantle my hallow swallow.
In my boldness there’s still coldness, because pain is a reel that feels so real. There’s internal gunshot wounds that continue to be used as my prune by You. Full display so that your people can see. Full display in their secret dismay, they may walk in the be: they are not alone and can now see. There’s a brewing linkage is this suffocating sinkage. Blind eyes no longer have to feed lies, and secretly die because only you have the hidden answers to their why’s. You are the mystery in our repeated history. You are the sole truth in the breakage of the bondage aloof. You are the key from being free from the crippling cling to tangibility. We loudly salute in your loving tribute. Thank you for being true. We wait for You.
Love your daughter. Blessings my fellow chosen.
Note: Another confession: I delayed what I’m good at because I’ve witnessed how it changed the perception of people and me. They went from “foe” to “friend.” Because they saw a way to capitalize on my abilities. I just felt like a used dollar sign. It made me feel so used and abused like a peace of meat. That could’ve been one of many triggers that pulled me into my depression seasons and why I attempted my life so many times. I never told anyone this and writing that, made me see God really does know every secret corner of our hearts. God is so amazing and through my discomfort I keep seeing I can trust Him wholeheartedly.