Transform

Lately I’ve been having dreams, that I don’t remember; and what is always pressed on my heart, is that it’s not time for me to know the message, that God was trying to tell. But this morning when God blessed me with life, I walked through a dream being up. That never happened before. God always speaks to me in my dreams when I’m unconscious, not cognitive. 

Jojo* and I got really close to an awesome God-fearing brother in Christ at work, who’s about the burning bush just like us. We had an awesome heart to heart last week, and last night at work, about how God showed all three of us, who we’re meant to be with. And we bonded over how our plans, are not parallel to God’s plans. The truth of these painful tests in all three of our lives, really upset us, where we all had attempts of defiance, and have been blatantly blocked. God keeps making clear, He will transform these tests into testimonies in all of our lives.

The truth is, God is cleaning out my heart, Jojo’s heart and Benjamin’s* heart. We all battle thinking we are good, because of a specific gift we all share. But that’s the furthest from the truth. We just conformed to a self fulfilling norm, and God is now doing His transform, through us with the renewal of our minds. I’ve been very frustrated for three years, because of what God showed me. It’s not a coincidence that Benjamin was shown his rib, three years ago as well, and Jojo was shown her ribcage. It’s also not a coincidence, that we are all over this pending three strand life, and just want to settle at this point. I’m not surprised how certain scenarios in my season look, because God showed me these outcomes. I’m just pissed it has to go down this way. And that’s how Jojo and Benjamin feel as well.

God blocking us from going back to my Harlem church, instead of where we were the past [almost] three years, was whack. But deep down I knew this church would change our lives. I saw a rushing wind, and an image of a tsunami. The cleanse of a whirlwind of changes to come. I saw all of this when we walked past the church before becoming members, even before salvation. We got saved at this church. Jojo and I both told Benjamin how hard it was to be in this church. For so many reasons, but mainly our hunger for more needed to be quenched. There was a severe drought within both of us. We were thirsty for more, and there was a helplessness of not fully grasping how to get more.

Benjamin is a future pastor who refuses to accept the call, [for now.] How he articulated where God has Jojo and I now, is a sermon he will preach. He basically said we thirst for another meal at this point in our walk. It’s true, Sunday we went to a church, for the first time that we’ve been praying on, since January of this year. As soon as we both entered the Holy Spirit, that dwells within became on fire, and a timely word was preached. We were both happy and felt free. I didn’t have any regrets and neither did Jojo. Our drought was taken care off. There’s no turning back. I’m excited, but what I’m not excited about, is that dream I had an hour ago. So here it goes…

I was wearing a black mermaid forming gown, with a high slit on my right leg. I like showing my legs. Saved or not, I’m really feeling my legs, and God has been wrestling with me since my mom spit me out, to chill out on my deep like of exposure to my legs. Whatever, we are all flawed. That’s me missing my mark. Amen. It was a nice dress like I want it. 

I was engaged to a guy I didn’t see his face, but I was looking at this dream, as an outsider looking in, watching myself; and still with the ability to feel every single emotion of that Crysta. This Crysta looked beautiful, but something was missing. There was such a hype about me and this guy, it was uncomfortable watching. Me and this guy were slated to get married in two weeks. 

The guy and this Crysta, [who was me,] looked like they loved each other, but there was something missing. The love I saw looked like comfort and friendship, in the sense of what’s easy and what’s familiar. They were celebrated by everyone around them, and supported by so many, yet there was something missing. Me as an outsider looking in, I saw there was something missing. It was so evident to me. Two good looking ‘godly’ people, that look cute together, but didn’t look like God put them together. I put godly in quotes because we loved God and knew salvation, but weren’t living fully for God. It looked like we got tired of waiting, afraid of change, or didn’t want to accept a calling, so we walked in the theme of settling. 

God ordained is so clearly evident to me. Even in dreams, I can always differentiate from: worldly couples, two godly people that settled, and God ordained destinies. I can see three strands life couples very clearly. They’re so rarely seen on this planet sadly. It actually breaks my heart. I was so done with love. Too many people settle, and get celebrated in the settling. It makes me feel like screaming at the top of my lungs in total frustration. But that act is pointless, because I’ll be in a room full of people, and no one will see me. Or hear me, or care. There’s a cry of change, and unity and when that truth is presented, the choice is to act aloof. So the cry of truth is selective. It’s flesh based, not God based. Flesh is not truth. 

Back to the dream, this little girl came running to me, and I bend down, to greet her; as I was bending down my dress turned white. I hugged the little girl and remained bending down with her. As this was happening my fiancé got shot, and bloodshed throughout the place started occurring. Somehow me and this little girl slid down some pathway, that appeared out of nowhere, and we ended up knocking on a door. The man God showed me was for me, opened the door. I was shell shocked, because I forgot about him up until that moment. 

The calmness of the baby in my arms, kept me balanced so I didn’t react to the man relieved to see me, or hugging me. Then he remembered there was a baby in my hand and got off me. At this point my dress kept going in and out of being black and white. But it was starting to suffocate me. And I needed to get it off of me. I needed gills, whatever cheap thrill I had in that dress died. I needed God, I wanted God, so I choose God. That’s when I saw Jojo, and her ribcage. She said she knew I wasn’t dead. I think I asked her how did she know? And that’s when her ribcage said its on the news, and they mentioned I was presumed dead, slated to be married in two weeks. 

Then Jojo tried to take the baby from me, so I can get my life and get settled. But then the baby wouldn’t leave me because she felt like she was protecting me. If I didn’t bend down to hug her, I would’ve been shot too. So she did protect me. Like God always protects me, and all His chosen on this planet. 

Somehow the little girl, Jojo and her ribcage were no longer there. It was just me and that guy God showed me is for me. He asked me what I needed, so I said I need a bath. I took a bath, and ended up in one of his dress shirts, and it swam on me. I thought it was cute but shook out of that thought process. So he asked me what I needed again, I said food and a nap. So he told me to take a nap, and that’s what I went to do, and it ended. And I was back on my bed.

After all of that I sat on my bed asking God, what the heck was that? I got no answer. I just sat in stillness then I went to the bible. And I prayed to God, and denied my flesh. I also prayed to be only in spirit seeking God’s truths. Then a soft whisper happened, he’s real, and he’s coming. Then Jojo called me. And we prayed like we do every morning. And I told her the dream, and we prayed over it. Then she said she got its her, and told me it’s about me. 

And how I looked like I was plotting on how to settle. But God is showing me to be still and trust him. She said the death represented flesh dying, facades ending, and sleepwalking being demolished. She thinks the guy I was with, was the man I’m meant to be with just in flesh, like I was in flesh. 

Right person, wrong timing is still wrong. Two strands aren’t unstoppable. Three strands are unstoppable and untouchable. Jojo said God was missing in my relationship, so it had to die so God can make all things new. The baby represented new life, new beginnings, and protection. God is new life, and new beginnings and protection.

Whether you’re aligned with God or not, you breathe and it’s with ease, because God says so. God lets you go, free will will never be a tyranny. God is not a tyrant King. God sets your soul to sing. Only God can prepare you for your ready ring. Only God holds the key to your heart, so only God can make sure you and your soulmate are never apart. 

If God is your problem then only God is your solution. God is my problem. God is Jojo’s problem. And God is Benjamin’s problem. That means only God has our solutions. And all we can do is sit and wait in stillness. God is kind and loving. God is our link in the sink of flesh, so we must confess and profess so His will be done. Blessings my fellow chosen. God loves you so much, so do I, because He taught me to. Your sister Crysta. 

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Renegade

God has just been speaking to me vividly, and lately in my dreams. I’ve always had this connection with my King, for as long as I could remember. In fact, I remember growing up, and exchanging dreams with my brother. He has vivid dreams too. One day my mom overheard some dream my brother and I had, that was similar and she interpreted the dream for us, and told us it was prophetic. My brother thought it was cool, but I just felt it got super weird. 

I became a rebellious renegade, and decided to lessen my speaking especially on my dreams. I didn’t realize until now, how that was a broken condition I birthed and it grew. Seeds will always grow its which seed we fertilized that truly needs to be discerned. Thank God, my King is using my hot mess into His edifying message. No wonder God placed several vessels in my path, and expressed to me that I’m going to write a book. I’m slowly seeing this truth, because I’ve been silent about so much that I’ve conditioned myself to forget, until God’s perfect timing, which is now. 

And now looking back, I see that was an example that I showed my younger brother, because he followed me. His natural excitement was eventually snuffed out, because I was afraid. We don’t even realize how trickling, our fears or actions exemplify until it’s too late. At least leaning on my own understanding all these years, it just felt like it was too late. 

But with God the impossible entities of our lives, are made new because He parts every situation to: I’m possible. God is the great I am. When we think it’s over, God hasn’t even started yet. That’s when our King, buckles us safely and prepares us for His I’m possible ride. With God all is possible. It’s in Matthew and in Luke. God knows we’re humans that need constant reminders. That’s why God is so lovingly repetitive through our blueprint called the bible. And our pendulum called life.

I suspect that my entire family is filled with vessels of prophetic dreamers. No wonder there’s so much drinking, and yes you know the rest of this sentence. Drinking doesn’t drown out God, or what we as His children are called to be. Drinking doesn’t drown out our gifts either. Neither does labeling ourselves.

I tried doing all of that too. It clearly didn’t work for me. I see with my spiritual eyes, it’s not working for my family I love so much either. My nieces are always telling me about their dreams, and we’re always discussing them, when we are together then we pray about them. I’m so excited that Jojo* and I will be hanging with my loves this weekend. Friday can’t come fast enough. Family is everything to me. Jojo is my family too. I’m glad she gets along with my family, and they see her as family too. That’s so important to me. The people I love and cherish have to get along. It hurts when it’s any other scenario. I’m tired of hurt. 

It’s so natural for me to be a rebellious renegade. I register nothing as face value. It just doesn’t work, or connect to my DNA make up. My cognitive wires filters everything that is channeled my way, and I reject [or dismiss] a lot. I always thought I was weird, or crazy because of this. I’m now anchored to God, so I know what I get is true. I’m not crazy, or weird, I’m what He tells me: I’m his child that sees truth. God created me this way, I’m now unapologetic, and bold in my existence as His pendulum. I swing His way all day, amen.

Both of these dreams I had were necessary messages God gave me. I’m in humbled awe, at how much my King trusts me. Like hotheaded moi? Por que? God is like oui oui it’s me. So I’m now on my amen I just say yes tip. Tuesday’s dream came after some serious emotional freedom. 

This is how Tuesday’s dream started: my ex tried coming in my space again to tell me that we belong together, and he’s the one but my entire being just rejected him. He’s not my ribcage, he never was and never will be. God picked my ribcage long before my existence, [or my ribcages existence.] It’ll always be my ‘he’ no matter what either of us do. I wasn’t afraid of my ex like I was before, and I was excited. This means I’m really not afraid in my dreams anymore. Or real life. I’m not afraid at all. This is a truth I was fighting God on for a while. That ugly grey Lego world dream I had last month, really broke the shackles of fear for me. Thank you God. 

So I was looking at my ex like he was a temporary bad joke, because he was, then Jojo came, and I was so happy. My ex disappeared. Then we were walking, and talking. We went outside, there was so much green, and gorgeous architecture surrounding us, it took my breath away. I’m so into architecture. I’ve been fascinated by the history of buildings since I was a kid. I vaguely remember running my mouth all the time to my dad, when we did our walks together, but he’s always reminding me how mouthy I am. My dad is such a blunt charmer saints. 

These buildings in the dream were just jaw dropping. And they were so tall. Before we knew it, we were at the roof of one of them. It’s unclear how we got up there for me, at first but after us praying and bible studying when I woke up, it became clear we floated up there. I didn’t register that, because that’s doing a lot. I’m selective with what I register, if it’s overwhelming to me. I think God is trying to get me to get over myself. Thank God He’s meeting me. I’m still reeling at His command, to even admit all of this. I’m so bothered by that. But it’s not about me, [or what bothers me,] it’s about my King, and what He needs from me, for His precious saints.

As Jojo and I were talking, I looked around. There was nothing but green, rich green trees and fruitfulness. It put a smile on my face. I was so happy. I didn’t want to wake up. Then four people came out of no where, two men and two women. When Jojo and I prayed over the dream, we got they represented God’s ordained will. Confirmed couples by God, not man or the brokenness of society by feeding the wrong seeds. But these four people looked dead on the inside, and completely hallow from their worldly swallow. 

What I picked up was them being tired of the seductive pull from the world. And they just wanted the emptiness to end. They jumped off the building. As they were falling, they were floating in an angelic way. And they fell flat on the ground like pancakes. Jojo and I were so high in the clouds, that my eyes became like eagles, so that I can see what happened to those four people. An image came to me that I didn’t see, until I found it on Instagram. I’ll attach the image below. To me those four people died from their flesh and were made new. Because Jesus’ blood casts away death and sin. That’s when I woke up. 

Last nights dream I don’t remember all of it, the enemy entered my dream again, and again I wasn’t afraid. This time I registered I wasn’t afraid in the dream. I was on my bed, but I knew I was in a dream. I suspected it wasn’t going to be a pleasant dream. I’m starting to connect dreams on my bed aren’t pleasant. I did not so pleasant things with my body on that bed, with my ex. I’m grateful when Jojo and I move, I’m taking nothing from this room. Except my clothes I love, and my shoes. Even that is debatable. We shall see. 

So there was pressure on my shoulders, and the attempt to sink me in my bed, but I cried out that Jesus is Lord, and that the Holy Spirit was welcomed here. It just shook off the pressure slightly. So I started singing Holy Spirit and my freedom became stronger. But then the entire room became filled with water. And I began to float. And I couldn’t breathe so God gave me gills. And I was breathing again. So I asked God what I had to do to make this end? And I said what needed to be said, which was I love my ribcage and I’m all in. I’m glad it is who it is. 

And that’s when I woke up, and called Jojo and we prayed. And God pressed it on my heart, to make this a blog post. The water represented cleansing of my room. Praise God. Thank you God for all that you do through me, and your trust, and your love that blesses me. Thank you for making me Your renegade. And thank you for walking with the rest of your beautiful saints out here on their pendulum swing. They will see in your perfect timing. Blessings my fellow chosen. God loves you so much y’all. So do I. Your sister Crysta. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Pendulum 

My pendulum swung in the direction, that I am now confessing is a blessing God. Everyday I breathe, it’s in ease. And that’s because God gave me the gift of peace. Thank God, He blessed me yesterday to experience, those condensed moments, with my spiritual twin, Jojo*. Witnesses are so necessary, but the key ingredient is expression in that crucial confession. Many choose to be mute by their silent salute. I would know, because that’s the direction, I was attempting to force my pendulum to stay. 

It’s not okay that there’s oppression in the lack of confessions. It’s a recurring theme, that’s mean, and lean picked by my fellow broken chosen. There’s no difference in the hit it and quit misses. There’s still a bang bang that salutes those pale scaled gangs. The residue is so true from the gunpowder of the midnight hour. The diluted proof: Pulling the trigger isn’t bigger, it’s the same lame as watching the distain in my silent pain. My silence is now at an end. The world has no time for my pretend. There’s a high stake in my fake. If I call it out then I have to roll out my pout. Permanently because I chose eternity. I see His dove, then I have to own I choose love. So my salute can no longer be mute. My tests, hurdles, and trials are all files for His testimony written through me by God. 

I’m very big on order. 1 Corinthians 14, is one of my favorite scripture powers. I relate so much to that chapter, and Matthew 19. I’m very respectful, or try my best to respect, the sanctity of people’s spaces, and their habits. Regardless, if I find them stupid, which for Crysta’s world, [those that care to know,] translate to seeing the harm, that’s being done, and I see multiple steps ahead of a direction, that isn’t necessary to go. 

I’ve been there, done that, it’s so stupid. Use me as the example of what not to do, that’s what I want. But God has other plans. The same way I was warned, and didn’t listen is the same way, that my beautiful siblings in Christ will do the same. Experience is one of my greatest teachers, and I can’t be the only human wired this way. I’m walking through the deluded proof of this unfortunate truth now. So I have to allow the same transition, because it’s God’s mission. 

I don’t agree with God, and I’m blocked from stopping His will, even in my tranquil belief that I have the power to let this be. I’m blessed to see for prayer. That’s a hat I got way too comfortable in, so God is doing the shake up of changing my channel to speak up. God gave me grace and let me live in my delusion for 31 years, so the same thing is happening for the rest of His children. I just can’t stand it because pain sucks. I have a fixer complex that’s not a hat God gave me. 

I wouldn’t wish pain on anyone, even my “enemies,” which is a conundrum in this pendulum we all walk. Whether you believe God controls where you swing or not, doesn’t change that truth from existing. That’s an inclusion delusion that we are given grace on. It ties into the conditioning of His chosen’s backgrounds, and life experiences. All created the scaffolding conditioning known as unconscious biases. It’s truly a falsified alliance, that isolates and suffocates. But pride hides the binds that are all lies. So the pale scales prevail. Until He tears that veil. And when He does, you’ll never see it coming. 

With that said, there’s a lot I know, through my gifts God has blessed me with, and through my life experiences, also known as the pendulum that God controls. I don’t always admit what I pick up, what I see people doing, or the fact I’ve seen the season I’m walking now, God gave me the gist three years ago. From what I comprehended it made me as pissed as a fist. I rarely say anything at all. I clung to my clutch of prayer. I created a bubble because I see this all as trouble. And before salvation, I clung to the brokenness of judgment and isolation. Slowly dying in my own suffocation. 

Even when I was in the world, completely in my flesh, and leaning on my own understanding. I still knew my pendulum was controlled by God. I finally accept I was cut from a different cloth, from the womb, yesterday. From my dream last night, and my brief conversation with Jared,* I’m done fighting. 

I finally accepted God let me live for 31 years, due to all my fears, and hidden tears. God is now using it for His glory, because I’m God’s story. It’s not the Crysta show, it’s God’s Ordained Will. He pruned me to be still. He blessed me with new gills. I was never the author, God always was. God let me live in that delusion. I now see He resurrected, my inclusion for His solution. 

That truth felt like a heavy tomb of death for the longest, but that’s just leaning on my own understanding. Because I was tired of being different. I was tired of hearing “Crysta you’re so deep,” at first I always felt like running in a corner to cry, or failing at retraining myself to not be me. That’s why I did so many jobs. 

I allowed the world’s button of crazy to play me as lazy. There’s no resend, for me. God stopped, and pressed pray a different way so swiftly. I never saw it coming. He’s my musical note that dictates my strokes. It was the same result, anywhere I went. In all scenarios, I remained the common denominator. It’s like being a math problem, that’s solved but you don’t buy it. The broken conditions of life, unconsciously lead me to believe there has to be a trick. The truth is I connect dots fast, and I see the steps even faster. My abilities are an already developed blueprint, or a blueprint that develops right before my spiritual eyes.

That’s a gift not a curse. I’ve conditioned myself to believe it’s a curse. I hated a lot of things about myself. I hated that I was so sensitive. I hated that I picked up others emotions. I just hated everything that made me me. I hated that I was so different. I found a way to be aloof, cold, and blunt. Because it was me leaning on my own understanding. 

To Crysta that made sense, because different was not popular. Different is fruitful. Fruitful is truthful. No one is interested in the truthful prosperity in the godly way. And since I am a human that needs other humans, I fought to join the hype of stupid, when it was never something I could ever really join. 

But I just convinced myself I did. Just to fit in. When my heart always hurt. It never stopped. I just personally choose to carry the pain my limited way, not God’s way. Popular delusions are the cup of kool-aid that’s being chosen. My body immediately rejected the kool-aid, and the wrong role of renegade in that cheap lemonade. 

I was cheap to myself too. I robbed myself too. Instead of people breaking me easily, I shifted my pendulum to break them. It was just a painful delusion I didn’t want to see. Because being me wasn’t enough to Crysta. I caught onto that earlier on. Because hurting others always hurts me. But broken people break, so break is what I had to take, [according to me.] All because of what, and how I see. I did all types of pretending, became facades that weren’t me just to be accepted in a world, I’ll never be apart of. 

That’s what I did all my life before April 4th, 2014. That was the greatest day of my life, because I said yes to Jesus; and I said goodbye to the world. I stopped allowing the world to break me, by allowing God to be my shield, and anchor. I can’t protect myself better than God. And I’m so glad my King is far better than me. 

God was moving my pendulum north, and I was fighting to be accepted by broken humans. Broken humans break, it’s a psychological condition, that’s environmentally based. Conditions can be broken, but when you’re a human then you’re a creature of habit. 

It’s our genetic wiring: we are made to get it wrong, this is our personal recurring song. We’re the wrong and strong troops, in our broken loops. This detested protest is the piercing of convictions to reach us and teach us to never fight God. To never attempt to have our pendulum swing outside of God’s Will again. 

I knew my ‘he,’ would walk in the shoes he’s in now because God told me, and showed me starting three years ago. Last night drove a truth home that I was avoiding. This is case sensitive so with that said, I’ll end there. I’m all in, I say yes. And all of us humans create these temporary, yet toxic facades of empty nothingness, that only work temporarily. 

‘Temporarily,’ looks different for everyone, for me it was 31 years, the moment I said yes to Jesus, was the moment God started carving me, from the inside out, clearing the residue that’s simply not true. I was fighting to be accepted by the world, through so many painful scenarios, that the phantom memories still sting. I don’t always discuss my pain, I just become mute. Very withdrawn, and very silent. That’s why I want my cloak of invisibility so badly. 

God loves me too much, to fight the losing battle, of swinging my pendulum in a direction, that just doesn’t work for my King. Amen Alpha, amen. I’m grateful for you God. That dream last night, represents I’m free, chosen, and forgiven. I’m not that dirty ugly, broken stupid girl, that choose the easy way out anymore. I’m not the reject that no one wants, not even my ‘he.’ 

I’m fearfully and wonderfully made because my bridegroom loves me and died for me. And that’s enough. So my sword is boldly lifted ready to swing in whatever direction He says. Even that reminder this morning, Jojo and I say yes to that too. I’m done running from that calling too. God you made it crystal clear you direct my swings. God makes me sing. God holds my ring, God truly removed my stings. It’s so much better, doing it God’s way. But your precious saints will see it when they’re ready God. Blessings my fellow chosen. God loves you so much, so do I. Love your sister Crysta. 
*names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy