Stillness

I’ve had Always Have on replay, since I’ve discovered this anointed band called Vertical Church Band. The album is called Frontier. The way I came across this band was all God. I was minding my business, lost in thoughts when I went on my Instagram page, and saw the band promoted on one of the Christian music sites I follow. I usually just ignore the artists, especially when I get a prompting it will lead to a revelation. I tried ignoring this post. I lost, and God won. As God always wins. 

I listened to the entire album and fell in love with Jesus even deeper than before. It’s so romantic and just encompasses pure love. I was just crying, and praising God. I was reflecting on all circumstances that God protected me in, and what God blocked me from. At the time I didn’t comprehend, how much God was protecting me, until pondering on my past. God has been walking me through some very deep rooted past hurts, that are deeper than the hurts I’ve experienced at my now old church, where Jojo* and I found salvation. 

I can no longer run, or quit on people that hurt me beyond expression. I hate being in so much pain it crushes my wind pipe, paralyzing my mobility in a water flood of tranquility. For years tears were fears that I avoided. But God taught me its my release and my freedom from bondages. So that my stream can flow well. Jojo* also taught me that working through hurt, and communication strengthens bonds. 

I’ve never had a Christ centered sisterhood. Scratch that, I never had a Christ centered relationship, outside of my intimacy with God. That’s when Jojo and I became real sisters. It’s like we had to get into the arguments we did, because we would never be as close as we are now without them. I’m far from a saint. I’m a reactor with a potty mouth. I hate crying, and showing my emotions, because I’ve experienced my emotions being used against me as a weapon in the legal world I worked in. That messed me up for a while. 

That’s probably why I deeply dislike lawyers and the legal world. I see them all as manipulators and liars, that emotionally break and take like a selfish rushing wind not caring what’s swept up in the process. Lawyers to me are the epitome of facade feeders, and status chasers. I was deeply passionate about never ever being romantically connected to them. I prided myself in never being with one. And my coworkers at the time, always tried hooking me up, and I always shut that down. I never liked established men. I’m a builder. I love building. I can’t build a man stuck in broken ways that lack stillness. 

But God…. And His pruning process. Oh how He changed me these past three years. It’s not my job to build a man. Apart of my frustration is me changing, and my lists of heck no isn’t what God has for me. At this point all I can do is be in  stillness, and bask in the only things I’m excited about currently: my students, grad school and my new church. Where I work has very similar nonsense the legal world I worked in has. I almost quit last week and one of my mentors talked me out of doing that. She said sit down, you’re not quitting. You belong here, and your education is being paid for, don’t be stupid. She was right. Plus God told me I wasn’t leaving. 

I vowed to never let anyone see me cry again. But that went out the window, when Jojo was there for me when my grandmother died. I cried like a baby in her arms. It also went out the window when a huge chunk of my family, witnessed me ball like a baby at my grandmothers funeral as well. My pride died instantly in that moment. 

I didn’t realize that one of my younger cousins, telling me I’ve never seen you cry was bigger than I would ever imagine. That happened over a year and a half ago. God has blessed me with some insane hurdles since then, that shows me now why they were such a blessing. I’m on the other side of that wilderness, a strong woman of God that trusts no one above God’s voice. 

The validation and acceptance in people is completely dead in me. My paralyzing fear is also completely dead. People able to manipulate me? Also dead. Being a slave at a job? Also dead. Being single for the rest of my life, and never becoming a mother, because no man would accept me for the strong woman I am? That fear is also dead. And my push to be weaker than I am, is also dead. The premed fight to my psyche, in believing I must be in flesh to be in love, and in a relationship, because love is only broken? Also dead. My King healed me from those paralyzing bondages. Thank God for everything I went through, since I wrote Scales last year; and everything that happened after that. What happened before was all a build up to who I am today. Going through all of that sucked, but I realized it was all necessary to evolve me into the woman I am now.

I get why I had to start speaking up about my dreams, and express that I truly understand how God speaks to me. I always did. And I was afraid to speak up about that truth, because I can clearly identify in people around me, that select what they want to listen to from God. I always saw that too. Saved or not. I always connected dots for God and throughGod. I caused a lot of hurdles for myself, because I thought God was going to change my comprehension. That never happened, I just kept drawing closer to God. And learning how to no longer be oppressed by fear and silence. Because I’m no longer afraid, and I’m no longer silent.

I had to be at the church that I was for almost three years, because my time there was bigger than me, and Jojo’s time was also bigger than her. The dream I had just now, drives that truth home for me. I’m now at point, where I am unapologetic with pointing out broken lies. God used Jojo and I to be truth. And no matter how hard I tried to ‘ignore the lies, and turn a blind eye to join the seen chaos,’ or how hard Jojo world try to ‘drink the kool aid,’ we both got blatantly blocked. Our disobey is limited with God. Very limited, that’s deliberately designed by God too. 

There was so much truth that was being ignored, that I just got so upset, so did Jojo we just react and express ourselves differently. What’s done in the dark, will always come to light. God always allows everything, especially blatant disobedience if it means said disobeying child(ren) comes to full surrender. Jojo and I now being able to leave our church, and how we left, is also deliberately executed. 

We were pieces of a puzzle, that served a message. God made clear to the children, God needed to make clear regardless if aloofness is occurring, or even running/avoidance/denial. Times up. The tides turned, where one follows, the wind will be a hallow swallow. Every knee will bow and allow God to move. Right in the groove of God’s Will. So be in stillness.

Pushback from lies were seen as attacks of ties to the focus in the wrong locus. Our King is the swing in the conundrum of our pendulum. Love in the form of a Dove, was never seen for what it was: from Above. 

The cheap thrills suffocated the pending gills that God has to breathe with ease. So be in stillness not appease. Pale scales prevailed, and the veil became a whale. The link was truly a sink in the trickling affect of the easily missed speck called flesh. So confess and profess that as humans we are truly less. So that we can be blessed to be in the peace of free. And finally have God’s eyes to see. 

So in the dream, I witness severe brokenness and chaotic whirlwinds that sleepwalking through truth was the norm. Pause on the conformity of transforming into stillness of truth. Regardless of the proof. These humans choose aloof. A fool returns to his own vomit. 

A fool fights to commit to the suffocating broken locus. The right focus doesn’t fit. There’s flesh of meshed lies, we as broken chosen created to multiply. Only God makes His chosen fly. Only God makes the reality concur with the soar in the roar of His Wings. Only God makes our soul sing. Only God controls the key to every heart, that beats to the heat of His truth. God is love, therefore only God can show us who we were each born to love and marry. Going ahead of God just creates broken messes of silent confesses and painful messes. So be in stillness.

That poetic digress is a message between God and His beautiful chosen that need it. Praise God, that He loves us so much He is relentless in the pursuit to lovingly show us truth. I’m humbled my obey allows such a beautiful okay. Having the gift of words never felt purposeful until now. God is such a romantic. Thank you God for all that you do. God is The Perfect Everything. God is more than enough. We all have to grow to this place of truth. Thank God we have a super patient, merciful, and faithful King. 

In the dream, I witnessed something that God blocked me from connecting because it wasn’t necessary. Amen, thanks for the protection Constant One. I found myself in a room where I’m a witness to two Caucasians speaking. I’ve never seen before. The woman was married, not to the guy, and they were having an affair. Neither of them noticed me, but I wished they did so they could’ve told me to leave. I didn’t want to be there. 

The guy was so upset this chick called off the affair, darkness came over him. But then this lady’s daughter came, she was her protector. Whatever angry dude wanted to do got blocked by the daughter. Then the scene switched to this fairly newer member at my old church that I just left. She’s on the choir, she’s beautiful, and I don’t personally know her. But I’ve seen her around. When she came to me there was nothing but light and purity that I picked up, and that she’s aligned to God. 

Many battle complete alignment at my old church. And instantly what comes to mind, is that mermaid dress from my Transform dream, going in and out of being black and white. I didn’t get why I dreamt about this woman on the choir because I didn’t know her. 

Then again I dreamt about a couple, I barely know, and God flat out told me they don’t belong together. That’s when God started purging lies that drummed on my heart. A veil tore, I had no interesting in being torn. But it’s been torn since January 31, 2016. I saw wrong couples married suddenly. I never saw the connection before, but always picked up something was off. I was able to shake out of that, until that veil was torn for me by God back in January.

These new lens felt like a twister tornado where I’ve been punked. It felt like a theme that’s mean and lean; starring my paralyzing fear from my hidden tears, that I buried so deep for so many years. I just thought I was crazy, but that’s a track God told me was an attack. Now I see. And I’m free. Your Story God, and my stillness. Thank you for your trust in me God. 

This has felt like a hard hallow swallow. I tried to follow as a lie, when God kept telling me, what I was being fed was all lies. I felt crazy for nine months. Created delusions of me being lazy, and whatever else I called myself. It’s almost like I was in spiritual labor. The preparing of the awakening that’s happening now. 

In the dream, the woman from the choir was telling me not to cut off my hair. I was confused at first, because I didn’t realize my hair was long, big, and beautiful. I thought my hair was the length it is now, my big chop length. So I was confused by her statement. I tried ignoring her. I couldn’t. So I looked in a mirror that came out of no where, and my hair was long and beautiful. My hair was past my back. 

My hair was wild and free. How I like seeing myself, but then God stays checking me. I need to be checked apparently, God kind of told me that, which I’m clearly disagreeing with. Because I kind of think God is trying to tell me this. There’s doubt, and doubt isn’t of God. Jojo thinks I’m a joke, and in denial in this area. She’s right I am. Who wants to see they need to be checked though? Seriously.

The lady from the choir. Saw me combing my hair roughly and she told me to be gentle. As I combed out my hair I saw so many knots falling from my hair to the ground. And brokenness is what I saw, leaving my head. And I was becoming freer. How the dream ended was dead water bugs, sitting in some green liquid that looked like kryptonite. That created a formation of robotic looking dead water bugs, rapidly multiplying. I immediately woke up, and thought about the church that I just left. So I prayed for clarity, and God’s truth for my old church. I walk on faith whatever this means, will all work out at the end of the journey.

I love that I did the big chop. I truly see the spiritual bondage connection to permed hair. My confidence skyrocket once I chopped off my damaged permed hair. I started becoming free from fear, and bondages. The moment I made the decision, to finally listen to God and go natural was so freeing. That decision was just the beginning. 

The day I got saved: 4.4.14, a lot was revealed to me, and one of the revelations was God telling me to go natural. I told God no. Because six months prior, I did a big chop to my natural hair at the time. And permed my hair. I wasn’t interested in hearing God in this area. Well I fought God hard body in three areas of my life: my calling to education, being natural and my ribcage.

I’m now natural, and in education, so that probably means I’m losing in the last area too. I’m actually tired of fighting God in this ribcage area. My white flag is waving God. I’m sitting in stillness. The wrestle is over. You’ve blessed me with peace in the madness of my sadness. 

I wait and allow you to do you God. You’re a consistent King. So you won’t slow down, in taking my breath away God. All I need to do is fix my eyes, where you’ve shifted me. I need to keep obeying your okaying in my waiting, that you’re painting. Blessings my fellow chosen, God loves you so much. So do I, because He taught me to. Your sister Crysta.

*name changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy 

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