I had consistency with pain for about three years now. I feel like Paulina, which is my female version of Paul the author of most of our New Testament. I’m so fired up in tired. Work is exhausting. Too many humans are being kinetic in robotics. They all started looking like those dead water bugs, in my Stillness dream I had the other day. Multiplying by following the wrong master: the world/the enemy.
See this is why I’m wrestling with you God so hardbody; you keep wanting me around humans that want to be spiritually dead. And when I rise above in love, as the daughter to you Highest King…. Your Precious Humans give me lots of pushback, that make my flesh wants to just punch them in the face. Like I always see moments of punching, or kicking a human lately. Clearly I’m not happy, about how you’re pruning me for patience, grace, and stillness. There’s a consistency in that front with you God. Everyone around me is ‘abiding’ in flesh, with no confesses, yet there’s these worldly professes. I’m supposed to just fall in line in? I refuse. Plus you’re not telling me to God, and you’re not allowing me to give anyone other than Jojo* a piece of my mind. That’s kind of annoying.
Lately we’ve been fighting so badly. Like yesterday was just a mess. I deeply dislike fighting with my best friend. The only beautiful woman of God, that literally turned on the light, and showed me the love of Jesus. Everyone else in my life at the time, showed me a dilution of their broken solution, to what salvation is. I knew deep down it was all nonsense, and I was tired of the Kool-Aid hype. That’s why I wanted it all to end. Where I ended up next, after Earth had to be better than the nonsense that surrounded me. That’s why dying made sense.
Then came Jojo* fierce, loyal beautiful daughter to you God, that unashamedly praises your name, and spreads the gospel. She’s so strong, and doesn’t get how strong she is. It bugs me so much that she doesn’t see it. I keep telling her she’s stronger than me. Because: She’s still a virgin for her ribcage, that I’m so over, but you’re God and not me. He doesn’t deserve the greatness she is now, nor does he deserve the butterfly, you’re pruning Jojo to be as she soars in your wings God.
He’s a fool. That swears he’s cool and that’s the biggest joke ever. Yeah I’m sorry but not sorry about stepping out my Christ-like lane, by keeping it 1000% right now and saying he’s lame. There’s a hype on that dude that I’ll never understand. Ever. There’s a hype on that so called ribcage you say is mine too God. I didn’t get the hype when you showed me him, and I don’t get it now. He didn’t change. He stayed the same. They both did. What’s being displayed now, you already showed me regarding my ribcage October of 2013 when I meet him. I was so pissed, because I just spent two hours praying to you on what I didn’t want. And you showed me that list in him. And furthermore I’ve been fighting you about him ever since.
Don’t you get God that son of yours wants to be spiritually dead, sniffing Kool-Aid, and loving his lies. So let him. Bye. I’ll soar in the sky in your wings. You don’t want to give me a new ribcage? Fine, that’s cool. I’ll be single. I’m good at it anyway. I refuse to let the toxicity of his choices ever enter my space, absolutely refuse to put up with the brokenness that your broken daughters put up with when it comes to him. Luke 7, was a chapter that I mediated heavy on when it comes to this son of yours. It’s so hard buying he’s coming to me. What I see gives me high anxiety and flares my panic attacks. That’s not of you God. So you just need to tell me that I’m wrong. And stop telling me to trust you, you’re working it out and to be still. I don’t want to hear that.
I don’t want to, this dude is chaotic with a broken fanbase that eats up his lies. I’m so baffled by the fact no one sees through the bull?! Why do Jojo and I see it? About this ribcage you say is mine and her ribcage to? We were both like heck no, we said yes to you to be shown that?! Like I don’t get it. Jojo doesn’t get it either. And that fanbase they both have!? From broken daughters that think worldly attractions like status and money is the way to go. My beautiful sisters it’s not. It’s the way to losing yourself and perishing. Besides tap into your lady boss, and make your own empire. Don’t wait on a dude for something you can do. Ever. Dudes that aren’t aligned to God as broken vessels, will break and take nonstop.
That’s what I see in this ribcage of mine, and in Jojo’s: broken boys in men’s body’s wired to just take and break, and it’s being celebrated. I’m beyond too through. Thanks for finally allowing us to leave, and acquire a spiritual meal that will actually feed us. Thank you God for pruning both Jojo, and I to keep our eyes fixed on you no matter what.
What is the purpose of the pushback, and this wait thing that I’m not happy about, and neither is Jojo. We’re so over it. The blocking of the businesses, we’re meant to create is just annoying. Jojo and I are builders. We can build empires. Yet you’re saying wait on two broken boys that don’t want to man up, and be who you’re calling them to be. Okay, bye, keep pressing play on die and lie. Jojo and I choose to press play on truth in His Proof. They are absurd and unfair. I’m over it. And so is she.
Love is dumb. Their punk actions made love dumb for me. Completely perverted, and destroyed love for me. I’m good. Like seriously. Keep me single at this point. I’m good at it, and you won’t let me get a new ribcage. You’ve made that very clear with my Transform post. Okay. Message received.
But what’s up with this recurring cartoon dream, I’m getting about two rats. Like I am not clear on what you’re trying to show me or tell me. Oh sidebar, I find it very annoying God, that you enter my earth dad at times I don’t want to hear him sharpen me. Like yesterday night as he came into my room, when I ignored him and proceeded to tell me it’s not Christlike to fight with your sister Jojo* nobody asked him. At all. I understand he’s right but my flesh wasn’t trying to hear him whatsoever. The attacks are so real.
Thank God Jojo and I made a pact in the beginning of our sisterhood, to never stay mad at each other. And for the most part we don’t. I surrendered walking away from her when she makes me spaz, like yesterday. It’s wrong and a punk move, so am I really in the right to call your sons punks and messes, that need to stay far away from me and my sister? No I’m not. We’re all broken made to peace. I’m very broken. Such a hot mess that God is working on. Jojo is very broken and also a hot mess that God is working on. So our ribcages being broken messes made to peace makes complete sense. Jojo and I can’t stand how it looks. Three years is a long time so like God… What’s up!? Seriously. And the testing at work too!? These back to back pruning processes are so real.
So this recurring rat cartoon dream happened after bible study at 3 am this morning. I was meditating on Galatians 5:22-23, because I haven’t been very good at surrendering to the Holy Spirit of truth. I’ve just been reacting in flesh lately, cultivating barren fruits. I’m tired of rising above, it feels like it’s in total vain. It feels like all this pain has no gain, everywhere I turn people are in flesh.
People are being celebrated for doing the wrong thing. People are turning a blind eye, and staying silent about the wrong couples walking into a marriage that only God ordains. Broken humans playing God is not God’s Will. There’s too many broken humans in spiritual leadership positions, that are guiding your confused children in the wrong marriage God. Why is that happening!? It’s not fair. At all.
I’m tired of seeing this blatant disrespect in the sanctity of marriage. It’s tainting me. It’s making me not believe in love anymore. In fact I no longer believe in three strands life for myself. This wrong couples theme that blatantly gets married, boldly and coldly, and get publicly celebrated? I’m too through. Love ain’t for me. It’s okay. You’re still awesome God. I still say yes to you. And I still trust you. Just stop telling me about that guy. And you and I are totally straight.
So I’m asking you why I’m having this recurring cartoon rat dream, and you’re saying it’s because I’ve animated all the hurts and issues I’m going through. Okay. Well just get rid of my problems God. Telling me about a broken guy that fights to stay in his flesh and gets supported in that fight is a problem. Allowing annoying people at work to put me on this high standard when there are other humans who’ve been teaching, a heck of a lot longer than me is a problem.
I’m a hot mess and flawed, why am I being set apart!? For what, it’s just adding stress to my issues I already have. I’m not interested. At all. Why can’t you just do what I want God?! All this slow build up attention happening is whack. The enemy entering that cartoon dream last night, was a joke. I see satan as a joke that can’t touch me.
But he’s touching me through this ribcage you keep saying is my mine God. he’s attacking me through Jojo, my brother, my father, my mother and a lot of other people I love. That really pisses me off God. All I can do is pray and be still, as I watch all these heartbreaking train wrecks that I cannot physically help. You won’t let me God. That hurts and bugs me so much. This is very hard. But all I can do is keep praying, and asking you to show me how to be better in love, grace, patience and stillness.
Thank you God for being the best soundboard I can ever ask for. You always point me in the right direction God. And thank you for my bestie Jojo, Ana* my weekend prayer warrior I love to pieces. It sucks she no longer lives in New York. Last but not least my B* she’s the bomb.com, I’m so glad we’re getting closer and closer.
You really blessed me with an amazing circle, of real sisters and not fake kool-aid drinkers. I’m so grateful for Benjamin* too. Like other then what you keep telling me about this ribcage guy. I don’t have much complaints. The work stuff I can suck it up, and just do what I’m told. This ribcage guy makes no sense. It’s mutual by his actions he doesn’t want the burning bush of rapture with me. Fine, then don’t come. Free will is not forced. At all. I’m at peace with his decision. What I’m still perplexed about is still receiving information about him. But at this point all I can do, is just be still and wait to see what you’ll do God. I love you my Constant One. Thank you for all our fallen heroes who are gone but not forgotten because of 9/11. Thank you for making us more sensitive after the painful senseless deaths of 9/11. Thank you for stretching my faith to climb to the hope that unity will be a human truth one day. Thank you for your consistency in everything love in my life God. Love your daughter Crysta.
*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy