So I had this larger than life themed dream like two weeks ago I think. I can’t remember when I first dreamt it and when Jojo* and I prayed over it. It felt like two weeks ago, then again everyday feels like the same pain with no gain. I was supposed to write about this dream in my blog, before now but I was fogged in my pain from triggers bigger than me, that has me landing in my past. God is deliberately using my current season as a grad student and teacher resident to show me that these weeds that I buried are meant to be uprooted.
I’m easily triggered by my sexual assault from 19 years old. These memories come in snippets, I did the best I could have, to block it all out. One of my favorite things I did growing up with my brother besides making up games and places, was wrestling with him. Razor Ramon was my favorite wrestler. I really liked his toothpick swag. That was the coolest part of the character he became. The vests were cool too. I used to go to school thinking I was too cute, and too cool with my vest. That was my one consistent buy, every year when my dad took me shopping for back to school. One day after what happened to me when I was 19, my brother and I were reminiscing, and when he did a move that made me flash back to that night, I froze. I tried to play it off because what happened to me made my brother really sad, well it maddened him, and as his older sister I see where his blind rage takes him. He’s a hothead like our mom, like me, my sister, and my dad only when my mom pushes a specific button. Growing up I picked up how a lot of my family members ticked. And one of my assignments was to be the defuser, so I just sort of downplayed a lot.
I couldn’t downplay this moment, and I felt so bad, because I think my brother cried when he saw how I reacted. The memories are fuzzy. Then again memories around 19, and what happened to me are always fuzzy occurrences. I will to forget and block a lot. In that moment it took me back to another event when my brother and I, found metal to use as bats to play baseball, and we started playing baseball, the metal had a piece inside of it, that we didn’t know about; so when he swung the metal the piece inside flew to my head. To this day I still have the mark above my right eye. My brother balled like a baby. I can’t remember if I was a jerk, or or I comforted him, I went back in forth in my role as his older sister. But I do remember how I deeply dislike seeing those I love cry, it bugs me. So seeing him cry again, because of what happened to me bothered me so much. I just wanted to defuse immediately, and go back to happiness. I didn’t tell anyone in my family about what happened at 19, until six months I think or even a year later. I told my sister and dad last. I made my mom and brother promise not to say a word. And they respected what I asked. Fourteen years later, it’s still a trigger that I believe I’ll have for the rest of my life, and that’s okay because my God saved me. I am diease free, and I’m a woman that’s pro choice, but I personally choose life. I wasn’t put in a position that always petrified me growing up, “unplanned/unwanted” pregnancy. Children are a gift from God. I love kids so much, and truly believe as adults we are the village that should protect, and help groom them to be amazingly successful on this planet. That’s my favorite part of being a teacher right now, being a bridge to these beautiful kids and loving on them. Love is the key ingredient to everything. Love is my compass. God is my compass:
I didn’t realize that the series of events that’s been happening the last two months, is supposed to show me God is fighting for me, and pushing out the dark of my missed marks. At 19 I felt stripped from my expectations on how my life was supposed to turn out sexually. I wanted to save myself for marriage. I got made fun of because of it and barely had friends. I didn’t know what real friendship was until Jojo, and my cousin Lucy* who I love very much, was tight with me like sisters, most of our lives but we were sisters from a worldly lens, which was filled with so much brokenness. Christ centered sisterhood didn’t happen until Jojo entered my life, then God blessed me with more sisters after that. So because of that traumatic occurrence at 19, I decided that life needed to end. From 19-27 I struggled with anorexia and tried killing myself three times, from 23-30. The years might be off but those are the numbers that came to me. But God had other plans. Reflecting, I’m so glad God was persistent I’m here. I see the impact I’m making in these kids as a teacher. Thanks Dad.
I got a review that I felt very blindsided by. Which triggered all these emotions, that can be pinpointed at 19 according to me. The last two weeks, God has been showing me, the reel of peeling these feelings are an unveiling in my whaling. I’m tired of crying. I hate crying because once I start, the waterworks don’t stop. But now that I’m anchored to my King who makes my soul sing, I see that I’m in free talking in my walking as His Be. What happened to me in my 20’s, won’t happen again. It’s hard to believe but all God is telling me is to receive it. I had three mental breakdowns to the point I was told I’d never graduate college and never work, I had four jobs while I was attending Berkeley College, taking minimum 19 credits and graduated with a 3.5. Take that man that said no, because my God said go. No one is bigger than the one who set me free: Emmanuel, God with us. That’s why words of man, especially when they don’t align to what God tells me will always be dismissed.
I’ve always listened to God above man. And I always will. But I’m still flawed and have a lot of issues God is carving out of me. So I put the person that gave me my review on a pedestal, because I saw that this flawed human was more powerful than God when it came to my grades. In the summer I had a 3.5 GPA at grad school and I want to maintain this. This review will alter my vision and I flipped out, then pouted but ultimately my shouts lead to hidden tears that I desperately needed to be shed from my past. God showed me I forgot he was God, sorry Dad, thank you for your loving correction. If he can make Berkeley College undergrad can happen then God can make anything happen. It’s easy for any of us, including myself to get caught up in the mundane routine of everyday life, forgetting as God’s chosen we are saints on assignments.
My church hurt, from my former church was just a trigger that’s bigger to show me I have a lot of life hurt. I’ve constantly been blindsided by humans I assumed I figured it “all” out, just because my King has blessed me with certain gifts, but that does not mean my gifts are not controlled by God. All of me that is meant to edify God’s name is controlled by God. Me saying yes to God, on the best day I’ve lived so far: 4.4.14, means I say yes to everything done God’s way. I was definitely not okay with J to C, and I was only allowed to fight God for like ten hours max. It’s getting harder for me to delay my yes to God. As I draw closer to him, I just want to please my King instantly because only God makes me sing and only God, and the vessels he used who showed me my true love is in Jesus Christ alone, and it is more than I could ever want or ask for. Knowing my worth was something I chased all my life. I sought it in challenging myself to learn new jobs and skills, besides seeing spiritually what’s going on in every industry. I ignored that. It didn’t fit my plan. Jumping from job to job, made me delude myself, that the same truths God has been telling me all my life would stop, that my King would stop showing me but He didn’t.
I get bored so easily because of my abilities and gifts; and how God truly speaks to me. I sought my worth in men too. God limited me how far I went with my wrong relationships. I was carrying shame from my assault at 19, because I was stupid enough, in this bondage that I honestly feel free from now, but when I was entrapped, I believed I allowed myself to lose a precious gift like my virginity, so to me it didn’t matter who I ended up marrying. But God is God. And God loves me so much, he meet me. I came out the womb understanding there was more. And that I was created to be set apart. I’m in a full circle of my own bondage from this, and now I feel free. Ephesians 6:20 reminds me of this truth. Thank you God Almighty. Thank you.
Fun geeky fact about my whole name: my first name means Christianity or Christian, my middle name means queen, and my last name means love to all. My entire name is so fitting to who I’m encompassed as a human. And who I’m made to be as a woman of God and His Kingdom. My parents fought to figure out what to name me, when I was born, my aunt named me, who’s battling stage 4 or 3 breast cancer I cannot remember, because her whole approach about this hurts and upsets me. So my aunt came at the midnight hour and named me. My parents stopped fighting and loved the name she came up with. I’m honored my aunt named me, especially after hearing her testimony. She’s on my father’s side. She married a guy that my dad told her wasn’t the one and she didn’t listen. This guy beat her up where she can no longer hear in one of her ears and she cannot have children.
When I was old enough to understand what happened to her I instantly grew a deeper love for her. And I wanted to kill that guy with my bare hands. I deeply dislike bullies that prey on weaker people. I was bullied myself growing up then I learned how to kick people’s butt and ran with my raging anger, which was not a solution either. There’s no accidents with God. I used to know really dirty tricks I’m not sorry for, and I used to know how to hold a razor blade in my mouth undetected. But when I said yes to Jesus that all went out the window. I can’t remember any of this. God is my protector now not my raging anger of flesh. Me being alive to this day is a testament to this truth that God is God. I should not be alive, and this truth stems from the Friday night I was born. I was born blue, and not breathing for 15 minutes. How I tried to end my life should have ended my life, again God is God. That’s why I go so hard for God unapologetically, he’s shown me how much he loves me too many times in my life for me to not completely surrender my life over to him. Especially when I fully understood the love I was chasing was only found in Jesus my savior.
The heartbreaks of my intakes landed on my expectations in sanded man, my pause in cause left me with painful hesitations. But now God is using my patrol in control for his glory because I’m his story. I wanted my struggle to look a certain way, there’s so many plans in my head that God is just destroying in his timing not mine. This ribcage God keeps showing me was supposed to look a certain way too. God totally dismantled that. I’m God’s canvas, because God controls the the strokes to my chokes, my provokes, and my need to believe I control the seed of evoke.
There all chimes in times that are reels to my peeling feelings. My seasons are God’s Hidden Reasons, my scales were pale, by his control of my actuate swing in my stings of the continuum on my pendulum. God always had my back, all these attacks were pruning tracks for me to see my setbacks are His Setups in His Buildup. My fall in my call to all, is the destruction of my walls of construction. I’m having so many full circle moments lately because they’re all supposed to prepare me. My attitude is forever in gratitude because my meditation is my dedication to my King who will always control my ready ring. So I pause in neglect and accept the call on my fall to all.
So in the dream, everything was destroyed, there was a residue of worldly flesh god rescues in the fail scale of virtue. There was an incomplete building larger than life, just larger than a building should be in general. I was instantly annoyed because I knew it was some riffle I wasn’t interested in discerning. But God is God. There was water near but it was polluted so I couldn’t get excited about it. Water makes me happy every time I dream about it. Water is baptism, restoration and all things new. Water is the physical symbolism that shows the world that I’m about this burning bush life with my King who makes my soul sing. So that deflation of polluted water upset me.
Then Jojo* came all bubbly and excited and I’m like what’s her deal? She needs to take it down 8 notches. But I didn’t tell her that, I didn’t want to kill her happy, regardless how I felt. So I told her do you know what this means? She bubbly said yes, we go lower and pull the darken in the light. I was like whatever people don’t want truth so let them die in lies. And then of course she convicts me, and says we are called to rise above and love. Then said ready, set, break. So we dispersed. Then I saw a co-worker that God put in my heart to pray for. And I do when I honestly remember which is rarely. But ever since I meet her last year, God was just showing me stuff about her and I’m like what am I supposed to do with this? Sometimes I got pray and other times I got no answer. She’s annoying so it clouds my godliness. Most times I just want to slap her. My flesh god facades are real too. I’m not exempt, at all. I’m a hot mess too.
So this chick said there’s no wine. And I was like what!? I looked to my left and my right and I saw the world basically ending, and this chick is talking about wine!? I then thought she bumped her head. Then I ended up in some old looking creepy hotel looking place with so many hidden compartments. And people just laying lifeless on the floor. The more I tried to leave the deeper I got in the maze. And what kept popping up in my head was my old church and I kept telling God whatever you got that. I’m out of that hot mess, and the people say amen. I was on that tip of Crysta moved on, you should too God. But God is God. He calls the shots not hot headed me.
Then the dream switched to this gorgeous looking garden from Paris. And I saw new beginnings, in these two couples that look like they belong together, (because they did, love is only found in the foundation of God. Only God is love, therefore, only God can write your love story;) and these two couples are doing everything God’s way, in complete alignment to God. It was so beautiful to see. There were two guys and two girls, and the two guys wanted to go to this garden that looked so suspicious, but their girlfriends told them no and they listened and walked away with their arms around their girlfriends. Then the Garden of Eden popped up in my head, especially the part in Genesis, where Adam silently allowed Eve to be deceived by the serpent. As a ribcage Adam failed to cover his rib. Then I thought men are problems God, because they are boys masquerading as men. Too many boys that masquerade as men, are in reality going ahead of God and entering marriages of convience and comfort instead of for love and edification of God’s Kingdom. It’s so discouraging what a mockery of what love and marriage is biblically supposed to be in today’s time. So discouraging. Then I woke up.
I asked God what was that dream for? I got at the destruction is how the guy that God tells me is my ribcage sees the world. And this morning I got this is how I see the world too, we see the same. But the Paris part is how I long the world to be. I want the world to stop buffeting this walk in flesh god facade and just really be about the burning bush. I’m over the fakeness and stimulations that egos create. So I’m like God forget them, let them die in lies of flesh. Bye. And God keeps showing me through my dreams and through Jojo, to rise above and love and trust God. As hard as this all feels and looks, I do decide to choose love. I can’t go back to who I used to be, that broken girl is dead and will never be validated by anything or anyone other than God again. Thank you God for using everything in my life, especially my painful trials to make me into your image. Thank you for always changing me for the better Dad. Amen.
*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy