I don’t like that I’m capable of speaking life in one breath, and in the other I’m shooting daggers of death; when it feels like my back is against the wall. I don’t like that God. It’s not Christ like and I’m not representing your Kingdom, to your children who struggle to believe like my brother. I’m so bothered by where my brother is. I’m so bothered by who my mother chose to be. And I’m so bothered by how my father just decided to walk defeated and not fight to be set free.
I’m bothered so much. I’m so bothered by the fact that everything is up in the air, and December 1st is only days away. I know by the grace of God you gave us so much time. Time is running out. God you’re making this walk on water, by fixing my eyes on you so rattling. You’re not telling me anything, and you usually keep me in the loop God. Everything is so uncertain. I don’t operate well in this space. I usually do really self destructive things. But I’ve been surrendering all my self harm. I’m glad. Hurting myself is hurting you. As hard as this is, I choose to trust you.
This past week has been so intense with all these revelations, and walk throughs your way not my way. It’s just been an intense couple a weeks. Just when I think that I can handle this Daniel 3 like season, you go and turn the temperature hotter in this fire God. And then I have this peace that surpasses all understanding. Like none of this makes sense. The human you’ve been pruning, and fine tuning me to be these past three years is so unrecognizable. I’m no longer looking or feeling like the wild-horse I believed I was. I always wondered why I felt like a horse or dolphin, depending on the scenario. It wasn’t until two weeks ago, where my pastor did a sermon on wild-horses, and saying that we as man are wild-horses.
It was confirmation for me, and Jojo* to write her song: wild-horses. I pray this blog post pushes her to write that beautiful song, as well as all the other songs she has hiding inside. I look in the mirror, and I’m like who the heck is that chick? Seriously I know the broken Crysta, and her tactics. I would’ve totally jumped jobs, went back to sales so that I can save the day with money if I didn’t say yes to you God: on 4.4.14.
But that’s not an option for me. This is a very stressful environment to be in. I don’t understand why you’ve hardbody nipped Jojo* and I moving away from our unhealthy environments. I don’t agree with this pruning process. My family and their dysfunctional brokenness brings out the worse in me. I stopped cursing for two years straight and now I slip up far too many times for my liking. My mom makes me see red. My dad’s discouragement makes me so disheartened, but it also makes me see red too. Like they just gave up and stopped fighting. I’ve been through a lot too. I didn’t witness my favorite uncle be crushed with a car like my mom did. And I didn’t lose my dad at 11 from a car accident, on a night my grandfather didn’t want to go out but was pressured into going, like my dad did. My grandfather was the only one that died that night from the car accident.
My father losing his father completely changed him. No I didn’t live the hurts my parents did. But I had my own fair share of hurts. I went into pity parties too. I even went further than them both, and tried taking my life, and developed an eating disorder. But I survived all of that, because of you God. This spirit to never stop fighting above all else is so strong in me. I got it from my grandmother on my moms side. I’m so thankful and proud that I encompass the strength of my late grandmother. She was an incredible woman. I’m glad I had the years I had with her. My grandmother grew up in brokenness just like my parents both did, and my siblings and I did. But my grandmother always found a way to fight even after her pity parties. That’s what I do too. God blessed me with vessels throughout my life, that encourage me to fight and not give up. So I just don’t get why my father stopped fighting. He stopped fighting, and then my mother’s health started deteriorating. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. She’s moving around like she’s 90 and she’s only in her 60s.
It’s hard to see my mom mirror my 90 year old grandmother right before she died. It’s hard to see my father completely defeated and no longer fighting. He stopped fighting years ago. It’s hard being around my family even though I love them so much, and I would want to walk through fire for them. But I can’t. I live for you God and not them. When I said yes, I said yes to everything your way too. Gosh did you have to make absolutely everything so uncertain!? Like seriously what’s going to happen come December 1st!? And I’m just supposed to just go back to work come Monday and “fall in line,” to teach kids in the broken system I work in? My kids need textile equipment. My kids need 1-on-1 learning. Whole group setting isn’t working for my kids.
I’m sick of telling those *special* humans I work with the same thing over and over again. I just want to choke them sometimes. They make me doing what needs to be done so hard. I know what these kids need. I know how to reach and teach them. But all that annoying culture rules just piss me off. I see right through the power trip. What’s up with all these broken humans on this planet that are so power hungry status chasers!? Newsflash humans, earth is a pistol full of lethal poison to keep us sleepwalking in the mirage of self-sabotage, if we don’t fight to be in God’s Light. I really don’t get the hype God. I really don’t. I look at all of them like they’re so broken, and caught up in a bottomless pit rat race. These humans are untamed shameful wild-horses running in a lane of lame. The scales that are prevailing blinds them through pride, and hide all that’s inside.
I just want to run. Far away. On a mountain. My peace is everything. I feel like I’m becoming terminally ill from all this broken chaos. There’s so much going on around me, and you’re not letting me do anything about it except pray. I’m tired of praying. Everything is getting worse and all you keep telling me to do God is trust you. Trust you God when I have no clue what the heck will happen to me, or my family come Wednesday. Trust you God when the school I work in is making the same mistakes, that got them in a pile of poop last year. Trust you God when my family is making the same mistakes, that God them in the pile of poop they’re in now. No one is listening to me.
I really don’t get why you’re pruning me to see clearer and clearer. I would rather go back to being blind. At least then I believe I would not feel so helpless. I wouldn’t feel like I have no choice but to let something painful happen to me, because it’s better than death. I don’t like this madness in my life is taking me back to that night at 19 years old. Why the heck can’t you let me forget God?! You parted a sea for Moses why can’t you part this let me ‘forget that night,’ sea. You’re annoying God. You’re so annoying God. You’re so annoying. I’m so over you and this annoying trigger. I don’t get why you’re not listening to me. It really annoys me. You annoy me God. I love you but I’m so not happy with you in this present moment. I trust you God with everything, even that he you keep saying is for me. I fully believe now no matter what I see. So why is this night still such a big trigger in my life? I’m tired of going back to that space.
God taking away my make it happen fiscally so that I can’t jump in, and save the day for my family; makes me feel like I’m helpless. It feels like I have to watch a train wreck or have to experience one. Like when I was 19. I realized too late what was going to happen and instead of asking you what to do, I just made a split second decision to hope for the best. I thought if I fought I would die. My parents losing me wasn’t something they could’ve handled at the time. I also thought about my siblings. So I didn’t fight. And that’s why I think what happened to me is my fault and I deserved it. I didn’t fight. That’s why I fight all the time. I am over compensating for that night, because I didn’t fight. I failed that night. I don’t know how to forgive myself. That’s why it’s so hard for me to forgive others.
I didn’t consult you at 19 and that was my mistake. But I’m consulting you now and you’re silent. Why are you making everything, feel like I’m that 19 years old all over again reliving that night? I’m consulting you now. So why can’t you just tell me how you’re going to make a way for all this madness!? Your silence feels backwards. Your silence feels cruel. Your silence feels like a twisted joke. Your silence makes me feel like I haven’t grown, or learned anything since that night at 19. Your silence makes me feel like I’m never going to escape “The Alice in Wonderland” loop drone clone flesh god facade. I don’t want to be in this toxic, robotic, and chaotic place anymore. I want what happened at 19 to stay there. I don’t want dilution of your wine to play a rewind of yesterday, and not the present of today as a solution anymore. I truly want your freedom. I just don’t like the way you’re doing it God. You’re making me face stuff I don’t want to face. It’s not fair.
That’s so not cool to me God. What’s the point of all this shedding!? I feel free. I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. I feel your anointed oil cord and covering. But why are you making me face the stake of my fake I created in my self-made discovering to do things my way? I get it, things have to be really extreme for me to fix my eyes on you. Like you showing me I do care about my grades, when I fell into a depressing rut in October. My self-made fading away which isn’t suicide, because to me I wasn’t harming myself like before. I was just willing an Enoch type of experience. I was just willing for the world to end and rapture to come now, because humans choose to lose in the world coldly not boldly be set free in You God. There’s a high stake of fake, break, and take. There’s a high stake to blind, and crush humans because of the brokenness and pain humans don’t want to surrender to you God. That’s why that hurt has no worth.
Only through you all has worth. And after that co-worker blindsided me, I just shut down. It was a struggle for me to believe, and my grades suffered. God I just got tired of fighting. I came out the womb fighting and rising above. I’ve been dealing with blindsiding, backstabbing, dysfunction, and all that encompasses walking through the wilderness of our wild-horse transformation. We are all wild-horses that want to run in the sun, having fun effortlessly because we are free. I love horses so much. I always did, especially black stallions. There’s something so beautiful and majestic about a horse. That’s my favorite animal. My second favorite animal are dolphins. When life got hard like it’s getting right now, I always went to my safe place: the sea or running free.
I never got to ride a horse. When I came close with a few guys it got blocked at the midnight hour. Back then I thought it was weird, but I get it now. There’s a lot of things I want to do, and love doing but I have to wait on my soulmate. How you blocked me God, and I’m reflecting on that blocking!? It’s clearly why you’ve slowed me down so drastically. The favor on that he you say is for me, is so real. Like wow. Where’s my favor!? Why can’t you just let me fix this problem? Like seriously God. My parents don’t know what to do. But I do. Why did you expose me to sales, fundraising, the real estate world, the legal world, the fashion world, and now teaching which I love the most because I’m working with kids, only to have me be still?! I have all these skill sets and you’re like on this trust me be still command God. It annoys me.
I truly feel like a pissed off wild-horse that wants to go buck wild. But it’s like you’re stroking my beautiful black mane as this wild-horse, and lovingly telling me to be still and trust you. And I’m listening. That also blows my mind. I’m listening to you God. I don’t listen. It’s very hard for me to listen to humans, especially when I see their nonsense and lies. And then the Holy Spirit, and how the favor comes for these humans, with my silence to not flip out?! The favor is so real for these *special humans.* Feeling like a wild-horse, I just want to find land to just run as fast as I can. But you God have me in this quicksand, on my Cornerstone Best, without distress or hesitancy. Just your straight confident consistency. I’m not sliding, gliding or hiding in this quicksand. I’m united with you, because you are true and I stand on your command God.
Dad this is hard, it’s hard to trust all of this when I want to say case dismissed, on to the next, because these humans want to press play in the decay of yesterday as a defect. As your wild-horse, I cannot neglect that I said yes to your command and demand. So keep training me your way and not my way. I have to keep fighting and being your bridge in these gaps. My flaws tell all, that we all have pitfalls that only you God can meet us, to show us that you can set us free. Man cannot confirm what only you God affirm, that’s His Return. Your way, not our way; and definitely not fighting to lie and die stuck in a rut of yesterday.
You train us all, as wild-horses to be tame no longer running on this land, thinking in a sinking quicksand, and hidden shame, to address what we fearfully do not want to confess. Instead, we stress in our pitfalls covered in pale scales that fail to be the see of your Kingdom. Only you God can set us free. Thank you for loving us all this much God. You are such a romantic. The greatest man ever. The only true love that teaches all of us how to love. Because all good things come from Above. Thank you for reaching all of us so faithfully, by teaching us to love one another deeply. Love covers over a multitude of sins. God loves y’all SO much saints. Push through and fight to cling to His Light. Trust the process. God truly has us all. Fight to see His Hidden Details. Love your sister Crysta.
Love your daughter.
*names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy