2 Corinthians 12:1-10
God you just blow my mind. I can’t hear, my ears are clogged. I bought medication and they’re still clogged. That means this is a God problem. I’m so over you, God and your supernatural interruption of my life. Yes, God the same life I know you run. I’m too through. I’m in church right now, and you’re like just in this vessel right now, preaching my season. Just stop. Like my dude just stop. Like you’re just ruining my tough girl act to be completely dismantled, because me being fragile opens the hearts of those around me, I don’t care anymore. Let those hearts stay closed and discouraged. When I cared I was shunned.
I cared last week, but you’re clearly telling me that I still care, because I’m in church right now, listening to pastor just confirm everything Jojo* and I talked about this morning after our morning prayer; and everything that I ranted to you in the shower, is coming out of this pastors mouth right now. He doesn’t know me from the fly on the wall. Yet he’s talking about everything. I’m tired, and I wanted to quit all of this. I had a plan that you’re telling me, I cannot quit this. I cannot quit this assignment. You won’t let me God. You keep blocking my self sabotage.
That drives me up the wall. I’m so upset with you, yet you’re just THE amazing beautiful God that loves me. I’m not worthy of your grace. Stop protecting me. That’s how discouraged and broken I feel. I see that nothing will change at work. These people are broken and want to stay broken. This feels like my old church all over again. And I want to fade away, because I’ll never make a difference. You blessed me with this iron sharpening new church, but you’re still making me see, and face my hurts from my old church. I don’t want to. I just want to move on. But you have other plans God.
My notes from today’s sermon….
Limits are a Door to:
-Communion to Jesus
-Revelation to learn more on Jesus
-Direction to the path God needs me to walk
-Mission a key way to discern where God takes us
“The weaker I get. The stronger I become.”
“Limits we run from, God puts in place of His Power.” -Pastor
“You have to be so Still, the ocean moved us. We have to sometimes sink so that God catches us.” -My Best Friend.
My pastor encouraged us to write what we’re tired of and what we believe our limits are and my list is below:
I’m tired of lesson planning for a broken system
I’m tired of my hearing leaving and my clogged ears not getting better
I’m tired of my inability to run or quit this
I’m tired of my cough making me feel like I’ll lose my lungs
I’m tired of knowing I can’t save my family
I’m tired of knowing I can’t save the one God keeps showing me
I’m tired of knowing I can’t do me
I’m tired of this season becoming crazier and crazier
I’m tired of seeing what will occur, and I can’t prevent the ugly from going down
I’m tired of my resentment for seeing so much; and not being able to do anything, because I keep being removed
I’m tired of feeling not worthy of such a high level of protection
I’m tired of being mad I failed at leaving earth
I’m tired of my sexual assault, making me be so easily triggered by everything
I’m tired of having talents, I have to wait to execute, because of God hardbody blocking
I’m tired of my fine tuning removing weeds, I want to keep
I’m tired of my job
I’m tired of being me
I’m tired of my tough girl act
I’m tired of my positivity being abused
I’m tired of my kindness being abused
I’m tired of my love being abused
I’m tired of feeling like I’m being used all the time
I’m tired of being blocked from punching people in the face, because it’s not Christ like. So what, so what, so what. People are cruel, rising above in love isn’t working. Maybe a punch will work.
I’m tired of loving people that crap on me
I’m tired of praying
I’m tired of church
I’m tired of the Bible
I’m tired of doing the right thing
I’m just tired
I’m not tired of loving God
I’m not tired of trusting God
God knows I need grounding, because I’m a hot mess, without all these struggles. Humans bother me, their brokenness bothers me. I’m so ready to pounce on a mean person. I see them so vividly. I can see bull from a mile away. And I see red when a manipulator gets away with their mind games. Like ms. 17, I want to knock her off her high horse, and that god complex she has, needs to be crushed. It’s just like that idiotic false prophet that tried to break me. I want to knock his teeth out. That false prophet shouldn’t have been able to ruin church for me, but he did.
The co-workers, who also tried to break me should have their teeth knock out too. They all failed. Man cannot break me. Not when I’m so anchored to you God. I tried to not come to church today. You would not have that God. Jojo wouldn’t have that either. I can’t believe I’m being so transparent. I’m over being polite; and you’re allowing this space that I am in to be expressed. My politeness is my control. I liked believing I can control being polite to an imbecile, that I want to punch in the face. I have severe control issues, and you’re taking them all away, one by one God.
Limits set us up through our limitations, as a platform to open the world’s hearts; so that their fragile hearts are no longer closed. I don’t like how this testimony you’re writing for me looks, through these kooky looking tests. This is all insane, and it looks so whack Dad. So whack. People are whack. I’m whack. I’m tired of whack. I’m just tired. I don’t like any of this. I do feel the least blessed, but the pastor just said that I’m the most blessed. That feels like a joke. But yet you’re walking me through my limits. God you are showing me that you’re in control of my rebellion too. Even my rebellion has limits. That’s ridiculous. I can’t disobey in peace. That’s so annoying. Why am I so set a part!? That bothers me. I’m not special. I’m not enough. That’s what I heard so many times, and saw that so many different ways in the last two years, it must be true. You’re blocking my plans to be out of my job. I’m so mad you keep botching my self sabotage. I can’t stand it God that you know me better than I know myself.
I’m pushed to be humbled, through this cough and not hearing, because of all the gifts you trust me with God. I’m not worthy why me, other people want them, okay have them other people. I just want Jesus and a mountain. This world has nothing I want. I’ve been there, done that. It’s whack. You keep showing me God, I can do a lot. It blows my mind sometimes, and I think I’m crazy and tell myself, ‘no I didn’t just figure that out.” Just like Paul had his thorn, because he was so talented, he needed that level of humility. I am by no way saying, that I’m even a slither of having the intelligence Paul had, but I am saying that I’m as sinful as Paul was. I’m definitely capable of being that destructive. I am an emotional hot head. Like that needs constant prayer.
I get why my grandmother, when she was alive told me she was always on her knees for me. Like I so get it. I am a hot mess. I also get why my aunts tell me all the time why they pray for me. No I didn’t do what Paul did, but I’m always wanting to punch someone in the face. I always want to knock someone’s teeth out. But you’re teaching me God, through my limits that you’re turning these passionate emotions, into your glory because I’m your story. Thank you for your faith me God. I don’t have the faith in me the way you do. Thank you for my limits. They show me how strong you are, because I could never do any of this without you. I am weak and you are my strength. I love you so much God. Amen.
Love your daughter
*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy