Exposed

Dear Dad, 

Thank you Jesus. Thank you God, for your consistency and your persistent purity in my security. Thank you for your pursuit of my fragile heart. Thank you for showing me, that I will never be far or ever apart from this Holy Trinity: you God, my savior who’s far greater, and the Holy Spirit that dwells within me. Your Presence is so thick and evident in my space. Thank you God for that truth by being all the proof I need. You’re everything I’m not God. You’re changing me God. I’m moved and feel you always God. In mazes like that dream I just woke up from, you will always be my gauge to never fall in a trap of fear or rage. 

You’ve blessed your vessel Anna Golden with her budding platform. And you’ve blessed me with the ability to be moved by her music. Changing Me and Take Me There are my favorite worship songs on her album. God I lift this obedient daughter to you. I pray she receives the abundant blessings that she’s walking through right now. I pray over her life, Alignment and prosperity consistently, and abundantly to overflow her cup. She’s about to blow up, and I wouldn’t be surprised she waiting patiently for your timing to have her shine. It’s her time now, and I’m so excited for her. 

This reminds me about the growing buzz of Lauren Diagle’s release last year. I remember being excited for her too. I remember that her album pushed me to choose you God. I was blessed by Jojo’s* discovery of her. Lauren Diagle’s album got me through last year. Last year was so rough and tough. A lot tougher and rougher than this year, and this year has been pretty hectic. But the hurt last year, from all that occurred between me and this he you say is for me, truly changed me. 

Along with prayer, my bible, Jojo, and Lauren Diagle’s album got me through the roughest year of my life. That’s telling because I thought year 19 was my roughest year. My assault changed me too. But it wasn’t harder than last year. That pain had gain, and my hurt had worth because I took everything to you. I held nothing back from you God. That he, you God say is for me taught me to run faster to you. I am free to rise above and choose love always unapologetically and aggressively. I will always choose to trust you God. I will always choose to lose in Your Race at Your Pace. Losing the world is the greatest gift you’ve ever blessed me with God. I wanted nothing of the world after what transpired last year. Thank God love is greater, thank you God for your love, my writing you blessed me with God, and thank you for worship music. Thank you for singing God. 

Lauren Diagle is a known worship artist that’s won Dove awards, and also got recognized by the AMA’s that’s huge for the Christian community. God you’re moving, and I see you. I’m paying attention to your details. You know how much I love music. I love singing. I love beats. I love words. I follow biblical and godly words only; everything else I neglect and reject. I love playing music, and everything else music encompasses. But I never liked the perversion of secular music. Music wasn’t designed to be confined to brokenness. A lot of secular music is brokenness. Cursing is brokenness. The emphasis and stress of sex, money, and drugs is brokenness. This wolf called satan is a wannabe sheep in cheap clothing. The world is very broken Dad. Dilution is the solution to so many, and that makes me so sad. The brokenness of the world is exposed and at an all time high.

I have so many musical geniuses in my family. Growing up I never understood why they’re not blown up by now. I didn’t understand then, but I understand now: heart checks. We must be healthy and pure in You God, for anything to occur. You also know how much I believe, we are all created with multiple specific talents, that are only meant to magnify & edify: Your Great Name only. I refused to lose myself in the ruse of this world. Although I was so mad at 13, when my mom convinced my dad to not let me go to Paris. I see now as you God, honoring my greatest desire: to only have my talents edify Your Great Name. I’m happy that the same build up is happening to Anna Golden now, occurred last year for Lauren Diagle. Anna is another amazing obedient vessel you’re working through. I’m so excited for her, and Lauren. The best is truly yet to come for the music world. Folks ain’t ready, but I am. 

I wasn’t always as anchored as I am now to you God. Who knows what would’ve happened… if Paris had a different outcome? I don’t know but you know that’s why I didn’t go. I get why you let me live, and let me believe I was done with writing and poetry. You saw I needed to see how big you are Dad. I’m seeing your details clearly now, so so clearly God. You’re bigger than big. You’re even showing me talents I have that I had no clue I had. This all blows my mind but I wait to move after you with everything. I choose love, and I choose to withhold nothing. You used my defiance all this time, to prune and fine tune my alignment in You God. 

Anna Golden’s album is the place, I go to after I have a dream that bothers me; like the dream I just had. I don’t understand, and I asked you for clarity God. Your response is you having me writing, feeling exposed so that makes me believe, that I have to walk through this unknown; but you go before me so I know it’s okay to follow. Before I had this dream, I was avoiding going back to sleep as if I subconsciously knew something is around the corner. But I still found sleep, and you are the reason I woke up God. I’m always freed from satan’s whack attempts to paralyze me, when I pray and when I sing worship music in my dreams. 

I still don’t like dreaming, because this is happening too often for my liking; so my flesh god facade was to stop sleeping, that stops the clock of dreaming. And this he you say is for me, needs me to dream. My disobey is not okay, and delays the shedding of my worldly decay. So I surrender my fears of discovering all the tears I buried through all my years. I say yes to always confess, and trust my distress is a process to see truth; so no more refuse and no more excuses to see. God keep setting me free so I can be Yours fully. 

So in this dream I missed your details, because I got tripped up in the newness of the room I was in. That was the first sign I should’ve paid attention to. Your patience and sovereignty God truly blows my mind. God you refuse to let me press play in the ruse of delay, decay, and rewind. Thank you Dad for protecting my neglecting of my mind. Thank you Dad for having my back when I think, and focus on the sink that Crysta is whack. But your love is my Sacred Dove, that shows me to grow and walk through the truth, of that being a setback though satan’s attacks. 

Spiritual warfare is not discussed enough, and that could be the very reason, your saints bleed in wrong seed weeds, to avoid supernatural and make a stake in the fake of tangibility by being: that no unity night community. Faith is not tangible. Tangibility is not humility or accountability. Tangibility are lies that hide well inside. That’s not real church, that’s hurt with no worth. Man cannot confirm. Only God affirms His Return. Man cannot do anything bigger or greater than God. Any other belief is the thief called satan having pale scales prevail in flesh god facades. Jesus restores and explores all satan doesn’t want exposed. 

But a lot of your chosen God made faith cheap lemonade; by diluting your wine into kool-aid; and idolizing your broken chosen in their role of spiritual leadership. But so many of your chosen fail to prevail, in the walk of seeing spiritual leaders can be false prophets preachers and teachers, that make it hobbit to reach delay in decays of disobey and dismay, of the reel to play yesterday and never today. The present is a gift of clarity that satan is on a mission to destroy. Saints heart check the economy of language being used and the lens that’s chosen. If it’s not present it’s not today; and you are stuck in yesterday. Be still to grab His Gills, reject and neglect those cheap thrills.

That’s why stillness cannot be a misfit, or a hit it and quit it misconception, or deception. satan is tangible, and satan rushes. satan is secretive. satan is manipulative. The same way you God have ambassadors on assignments, satan does too. This very real truth is brushed under a cloak of invisibility in the churches. That makes me see red, because Purpose gets sidetracked through hypes that fade in cheap lemonade, because man snuffed out Your Gills for popularity being the regularity. Man snuffed out Jesus as their Renegade. I’m deeply disturbed by how society thinks making Christianity a sinking lukewarm norm to conform. So many humans talk a speech that’s really a leech to not walk the godly talk of freedom. 

This happens a lot in churches. It happened in the church I grew up going to with my family, and it happened in the church Jojo and I just left. I’m tired of popularity being the regularity over purpose. That’s why pedigree pisses me off. Status is a hype that makes me so tight. And that’s why I refused to be in the ruse of that rusty and dusty rat race. My sister got caught up in that pedigree nonsense. I was like nah I’m good, this is stupid. My dad went to The University of Pennsylvania, with a double major in psychology and chemistry. He was ready to go to medical school, and then my grandmother died. 

That test was supposed to push him not discourage him. And then the whack broken people, that tried to break my dad as he grew up affected him. Every time we talk and he tells me the stuff, those whack people that were supposed to be his family and what they told him, makes me want to knock them all out. My dad has one of the biggest hearts ever. Just like my brother does. But people pick on them, and I’m like pick on me I’ll make you bleed. But God and the favor he has on these whack broken people. 

I cannot stand bullies. They shouldn’t exist according to me. I see what cruelty did to my dad. I see what it’s doing to my brother now. I cannot even talk about what cruelty did to my mother. It breaks my heart. It’s hard to discuss. I see what pedigree has done to my sister. This is why I’m determined to stay aligned to you God. The list is too long to touch what this broken world did to my brother in law, or even Jojo’s* family. I am on a mission to end these chains of generational curses. I’m too through with seeing those I love the most have scales prevailing, because of discouragement, fear, and lies that hide well inside. 

We budded heads a lot growing up, me and my family. I’m strong willed, just like my dad; and I’m not easily fooled. I’m feisty just like my sister, and grandmother on my mom’s side was when she was alive. I didn’t grow up with my dad’s family that much because a lot of them are whack. Those that aren’t I’m glad I know and love them. I’m artistically talented, and highly intelligent just like everyone in my family is. I’m quick to swing like my brother, and can hold an interesting conversation, of any topic, like he does because we grew up bored, looking for more so we looked up random facts. 

I’m charming like my dad and brother in law. So just imagine the colorful conversations that occurred growing up. Unless I fell in a slump, I always saw clearly, until the hits of the world, got too much. That’s when I wanted to fade away. I’ll never try to take my life again, but I did want to fade a few weeks ago, and I’m sorry God. I surrender that too. And Jojo crying after I admitted that to her, showed me I cannot do that to people who love me. I was sad I made her sad. And I cannot do that too you God. Even though you blocked it, I still want to acknowledge hurting you hurts me too Dad. Being this transparent makes me feel very exposed. But this is the first time I’m not afraid or ashamed because I finally see that’s a lame laced with shame, to keep me tame from freedom. Epic fail satan, epic fail. I just got started. 

I’m not going to get tripped up on not being an alumni from NYU too. I didn’t go there. I rebelliously refused to not even apply to ivory leagues. I witnessed what being an alumni to pedigree did to my sister. There’s a level of settling, after an ivory league pedigree is attached to your name. It’s the same lame I see in this he you say is for me. He has ivory league pedigree too. I love my sister, but that trip up looks so whack. No thanks. Settling isn’t what any human is build for. I was made for all, so I want it all. Those blueprints you keep showing me, that will be birthed through me and Jojo!? Let’s go. I want it now, this current assignment is whack, but necessary. I see the bondages leaving me, that I didn’t even know were hiding inside. Of course I move on your timing, not mine. I tried going ahead of you God. Jojo tried going ahead of you too. You’ve made it clear it’s not happening. So message received. 

So in this dream there was something whimsical about this room I was laying in, there wasn’t anything extravagant about it. It was just different than the room I rest in now. I can’t even remember all details. I just remember periwinkle walls. That was the same color as my high school prom dress. I loved going shopping for that dress, because I got to spend so much time with my sister. But my sister wasn’t in the dream with me, my dad was. He said something I can’t remember now. I think can you figure it out on your own today… blah something blah, and I said sure but I was paying more attention to the discouragement and defeat, I picked up from his voice. I made a mental note to discern it later, then this he that God says is for me, popped up into my head like supernaturally. And I was like oh okay this again, got it. 

I saw a glimmer of where he places his hands on me when we’re sleeping, and it made me smile. But then the weirdest thing happened: my left breast exploded. And my dad started talking, and I couldn’t make out what he was saying, because all I heard was chaos. I’m very sensitive to sound and tones. I pick up a lot from sounds and tones. Then this dude I never saw before came in this periwinkle room, and tried walking towards me, and my heart started racing. But I was still thinking about my left boob exploding. 

I didn’t get it because I don’t have a boob job. But I wanted to get one, because of my ex. The guy I helped get promoted, that I wrote about in my horde post from last year stopped me. God used him to block me and I’m grateful. I love all of me for who I am now. That was a hard journey to get to this place, but it’s the space my King wants me to sing in so I will. In this dream, this guy came closer, and fear came over my heart. Both my grandmothers died of breast cancer. Jojo’s mom has breast cancer. Two of my aunts are battling breast cancer now. One of my aunts died six years ago of breast cancer. I’m afraid I’ll get breast cancer too. God is making me face my fears whether I want to, or not because I said yes to being His.

Fear being in my heart didn’t sit well with me, so I started praying then I started singing in the dream, and that’s when I woke up. I immediately prayed, then stayed in stillness. Then I was lead to have Changing Me, by Anna Golden on replay as God leads me to write this post now. When I started falling asleep to this album by Anna Golden, when I first discovered her through Jojo, I started getting visions of the future, of what and how God will use Jojo and I. It’s exciting but frustrated, because it’s not now. I’m over how everything looks and feels now. So I was really bratty about how I handled my frustration and my impatience. I stopped listening to this album, because I figured the visions would stop. The visions did stop, until this past Sunday at church. 

I was minding my business, and listening to this daughter of God’s express her dream to open a charter school in Elmhurst, Queens. I was inspired by her passion in education, and to be a bridge. It’s mirroring to mine. I’m such a champion for the least of these, and so ready to fight. But God you’re like fight in my light. I’m not always desiring to be nice. Thank God that you run this and not me. I’m clearly a hotheaded mess. When I saw the visions came back in church, I was battling being excited and pissed. I knew a change was about to happen. I loved that no one knew me at my new church. No one knows me then no one can hurt me. But God is God. 

I signed up to volunteer for this woman’s vision, because I believe in her passion, and see her fight to obey God. Plus you told me to sign up God, and I wrestled with you and lost. I told her it’s going to happen. I told her to trust God, and to know it will be hard, but stick to God. She thanked me for the encouragement. I basically told her what you lead me to say God. Then I told her about things I had no plans on telling her: my church hurt, my fears of serving again, and my fear of people knowing me. She told me she’s glad I signed up. You’re just taking all my fears and bondages God. Wow. Even my bondage with my sister. 

I idolized my sister growing up. She’s ten years older than me. I thought she was perfect, and had the perfect life. My sister was an all state cheerleader, that traveled all over the country with her team she lead in high school, which was Brooklyn Tech. My sister did a lot of community projects, and served like a superwoman. In a lot of ways she still does. Like I cannot do what she does, I was not created to. I was created for other things. My sister is a creative genius, that’s doing a boring legal job she clings to because it’s “safe.” When I became a woman, I saw she settled and that pissed me off. I see the same settling in this he you say is for me, this he is also a creative genius that hides behind a “safe job,” too. My sister went to NYU, found her soulmate, and they were the rave everywhere they went. Like the typical hallmark movies I love watching so much. Growing up I thought all love stories had to look like that. 

My sister threw the greatest parties at NYU with my brother in law. My brother in law, was one of the most wanted DJs back in the day. My brother in law got signed at def jam when both him, and my sister were attending NYU. When that happened, my sister told him, her or the rap life. And my brother in law chose my sister. I grew up watching them, and told myself I’ll never have a love story like that. Both my sister and brother in law are well connected. That was intimidating too. My sister was recognized in so many areas of NYU, that saying she was my sister started to feel so intimidating. At one point I didn’t want to talk about anyone I was related to. I’m related to quite a few successful people.

My sister is the typical golden olden first born child. When I became a woman, my bubble popped about my sister. I realized she’s just as flawed, and very human just like me. I realized that I’m not meant to have a love story like hers. I’m not her, and she’s not me. My path is different than hers. Because we’re both two different daughters of God. And then I learned that idolize is not of God, and a bandaged facade. I also learned I was looking at my sister and brother in law, whom I love very much from a secular worldly lens. I no longer breathe or see through that stance. I’m set free and choose to lose in the world, to always rise above in love. I can’t accept being with my soulmate, in the worldly okay. No, we have to do it God’s way, or I would rather stay single and he can stay where he is. I refuse to lose in the ruse of confuse. 

I can see. I’ve been set free. I’m never looking back, my hiccups are not trip ups, they’re just setbacks in the attacks, to make me choose to lose the world, and rise above in love. There’s no fear in love. Thanks Dad. Thank you for using the losing, and confusing ruse for Your Clarity in setting me free from all that has been exposed in me. Thank you for making me see only you God. 

Thank you for teaching me through that no unity night community, this wrong she and he you God say is for me, were used to set me free. Your Voice will always be my choice. Thank you for popping my bubble through that false prophet who made it hobbit, by trusting me and showing me, this same lame false prophet is playing delay in decay of yesterday, with a wrong she too. I chose to lose this world, because rising above in love is better together. The only strands I want to represent your Kingdom Band is three. Your Stir: he + He + her. I’ll continue to confess and express that I will never settle for less. I love you world. The dream ended with me singing as that man I didn’t know was walking towards me. Trust the process saints. We are in the best hands possible: God’s. I love you world, from your sister Crysta.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Exposed

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s