Dearest Dad,

I feel so on edge. I constantly create a space where there’s a place I’ll land to stand and jump off a ledge, because my pledge to me is I’ll be set free. But I also feel this absurd centered peace, that biblically surpasses all understanding; so my landing on an edge is disregarded by the bombarding of how much you love me God. Your love is my Sacred Dove and always flying from Above. I choose to lose the ruse of refuse in the world of coldly flesh mutes confesses. I’m in a space where I’ve surrendered my disgrace from my past, because in my mind I played rewind for the vain of no gain to always be my pain. 

All I did was grow my hurts with no worth. My pain will always have a gain in my hinderance by Your Deliverance called surrender. There’s only eight days left of the year 2016. So much has happened, and so many changes created arranges that offended my defend in the foolishness of you God. I was so hurt that I tried through my lies to hide all that’s inside. 

“he has to face the choices he’s made without Me.”

Okay, that’s probably about the he you keep saying is for me when there’s a battle that makes me feel so rattled to accept what I sometimes try to reject and neglect. 131 is a coded eroded beginning of that ugly backwards hat, in the drunkenness spat for the wrong hues of two to be undone; to never to be the see of His Truth. God you say that the blatant disobeys, and decays will no longer be stronger in yesterday. The gift that causes us to pause, and lift in your truth because you are Proof; makes our pride die so we can rise to stop the clock of flocked pressing play in hide. To say goodbye to all lies that we as humans bury inside. We say goodbye to what we know because it’s time to go and grow. 

131 is a coded eroded hit it and quit it misfit that became that no holy matrimonial phony two strands quicksand best last first bite hype. God you’re not a God of hype. You’re a God of love, order, stillness, and peace. The greatest truth you’re Proof represents is the Cross of Calvary. You loved this broken world so much God, and all the whack sinful humans walking on this pit stop called earth, [myself included] that you sacrificed your only begotten son so that we may all live. 

Your word says that love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Your word says hatred stirs up strife, But love covers and overwhelms all transgressions [forgiving and overlooking another’s faults.] Proverbs 10:12.

Your word says she who believed and confidently trusted that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her. Luke 1:45.

The Cross of Calvary carried Jesus to death, where he took the place of all of us. Then three days later he rose again, and conquered the very thing the enemy paralyzed us flawed humans to believe we’ll never be set free from: death. As saints on assignments we are set free to see, and believe to receive what God wants us to achieve. 

For the longest God I clung to your word, and actively chose to live by your biblical truth. I actively chose to rise above in love. But 131 is a coded eroded beginning of that ugly backwards hat, in the drunkenness spat for the wrong hues of two to be undone; to never to be the see of His Truth. Even after the coded eroded 131, I fought to choose to lose the ruse of refuse. Even after the departure of where I said yes to you on the greatest day of my life 404. I fought to not feed the bleed of my wrong seed weeds with my internal life. But then the strife I walked through at work, was a hurt I was convinced had no worth. So the string broke, and all the stings I’ve ever felt made me want to melt. It’s all too much and I don’t believe I can handle all of this anymore. According to you God that’s not true. But all that occurred so far, was evoked chokes that made me feel so provoked. 

Triggers that were bigger than me, made me want to flee. I was no longer blind, but now I see. God wanted me to be free, but I didn’t want to be. I felt like there were welts of being a recurring punching bag for the last time. Love felt so abused by everyone around me that fought to press play in the decay of ruse and refuse. Rising above and choosing love feels like personal vandalism now. Rising above and choosing love feels like I’m 19 all over again, and my life is about to forever change, (which it did) from a fated night that makes me sometimes want to take a heaven bound flight.

How I feel is a reel that doesn’t work for you God. My pumped up chest can no longer be in distress, because you love me so much God to express what I fight to confess. God you’re determined to make me see, I’m set free and I choose to believe. It’s interesting that you’ve been on a mission to speak to me through my kiddos. They are the greatest part of my agonizing life. I love my students so much. They’re beautiful babies full of potential, and all I want to do is shield them from this broken horrible world. This decaying planet is full of disobeying flesh led maggots I call pale scaled adult humans. Adult humans are jaded and want you God to be faded.

So what’s up with you speaking to me through my babies about this “#bae2017” my kiddos named, and are convinced is coming soon. I’m like so indifferent about adult human love, that I no longer believe it’s for me. At least that is one of my greatest wrestles with you God. At first you only had two of my kiddos talking about this supposed guy coming. Now you’re really trying to show off God by making a huge chunk of my kiddos tell me about this “#bae2017” that’s supposedly coming. Well then do you God and just show off. Clearly you’re grown God and will do as you deemed fit. 

What really blew my mind was them seeing what I want: to be alone with cats, and an apartment. I no longer believe adult humans respect true love, or understand this is only found from Above. The hiss and diss of drunkenness sin is found in worldly bounds like the coded eroded 131. I didn’t tell anyone that I want cats and an apartment. I want to be left alone. I ignored Jojo* seeing this, because she’s my best friend; but my kiddos seeing that? I can’t ignore this anymore. My babies aren’t my friends so I’d never tell them that. That’s what convinced me God, that you surrounded me with mini prophets. You’re such a show off God. Such a show off. 

“The end is near. The end is here.”

The end of what? Earth? Finally. Humans are ungrateful [myself included.] humans want to be bold in the coldness of drunkenness, and the half way decay of pressing play in yesterday. Humans are in a ruse to fuse the refuse to patrol a control that should only be of God; not the flesh of allured no cure confess facade. Supernatural is so weird, and the foolishness of God is hard to stand strong in alone. However, I can’t go back to who I used to be. 

Your Presence is heaven to me. I’m set free because I finally see you’re all I need God. So why show me this he you keep claiming is for me, especially when he actively made a choice that silenced your voice God? July 4th was my mental switch to finally get the message: the world is more important to this he I believe you should stop saying is for me. But you want me to still believe God, when I’m like this has to be some sick twisted facade. But then Jojo sharpened me and reminded me, that you’re not a God that operates like that. She also said I need to surrender my expectations of this he you keep claiming is for me despite what is seen. 

“It’s true, you’re blue times two the true hue. you will see. he will be set free.” 

According to me, he’s privacy and lies and hides the swelling wells dwelling inside. But God the swelling wells dwelling inside need to die. They’re all drunken snapshots of confetti in fail pale scaled attempts to replace the space of this he’s empty. 131 is a coded eroded disobey of yesterday to never press end in pretend. The decay of delay is this isolated stranded sand of this wrong hue of two, no holy matrimony quicksand. mrs. off the stage, also known as wrong she, fed the violent and silent waged-caged rage of this broken he. You God keep saying is for me when all I want to do is choose to flee. 131 is a coded eroded time that shows this wrong she as a rewind in this he’s mind. Loops will always be troops that feed the wrong seed weed delusion conclusions. 

I’m in this space you want to replace with love, well God I think I’m tired of rising above in love with adult humans. The message has been received from this he you so call say is for me, and Jojo, honestly every adult human. So all I can do is channel my love where it’s appreciated, and not taken advantage of: love is from Above so I choose to focus on the youth because I’m honestly too through. The greatest part of my life in this current strife, makes me drift to switch to focus on a made up happiness like yummy strudels. I’m also always lingering to draw doodles. Some of the ways I get through the day. 

My main focus is your beautiful youth. I don’t know what to do, or how to move about where I stand with adult humans. So I decide to surrender all my hurts even the ones that have no worth, according to me. In my plight I fight to no longer be stronger in a solo limited might. You’re better than me God so as scary as it is to let go of my “I’m shielded” against adult humans, I say yes to you God. I have no clue what you’re about to do, or even how you’re even about to move in Jojo and I with our sisterhood that’s strong because of you only. But I trust and believe in you, because you will always be my anchor in truth God. I love you so much Dad. 

P.S. I see that the coded eroded 131 is 1 + 3 + 1 is five. And I immediately drift to Renegade’s blog, in Harlem at the corner of 112, and that building Jojo and I saw across the street from Columbia. Is all of this another Hidden Detail Dad?

“It is.” 

Okay, all I can do is wait and be still like I’ve been doing. Thanks for being consistent Dad. Thanks for knowing me so well, and far better than I will ever know myself. Thanks for showing me what love really is. Thanks for setting the bar so high. Just thank you God. 

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 


2 thoughts on “131

  1. Yes!! That’s Spirit Move writing!! Love your boldness to trust God against the odds, and to choose love against the mob. Love you sis!!! So so proud of you, continue to let go and have him use you! Xoxo

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