All I ever wanted was healthy sisterhood(s) anchored in biblical truth through your Blueprinted Proof: The Holy Bible. Dad it’s hard rising above in love, because it’s found bound only when we decide to surrender, and be delivered from sinning. Sinning is not winning. Sinning will never be Your See or Your Winning. I feel used and abused, and I’m sick of the vicious broken toxic cycles. It’s hard being obedient when you’re the only human fighting to biblically be aligned without any flesh god designs.
Why pull me out of that building where I once worshipped and served, but got curved from flesh god facades, and false prophets who make it hobbit in mutant scrutiny of a night community with no unity? It feels like nothing changed with this sisterhood you clearly won’t dissolve. I don’t want you to dissolve this sisterhood but I can’t keep doing this cycle in 2017. I’m not the same by your grace God so I can no longer be stronger in unhealthy. Thanks for the new building of worship, but sisterhood was far more important to me Dad; and you knew that, especially after you showed me what real love is, and not the brokenness I fed in painful weeds that made me internally bleed. I completely understood after 404(14,) that the he you give my key to, has to do this your way not his.
This is still very hard. It’s very hard having a best friend that is so fearful of healing. It’s painfully hard to see, because there’s a pause in Your Cause and no gain in this focused pain. She’s feeding a weed that makes her bleed in vain when that’s not the purpose of Your Revealing, but what she fights to have no light in sight doesn’t align with Your Might. The spirit of jealousy is heavy. I’m tired of that wrong spirit ruining so much in my life. It’s an ugly backwards hat that’s full of painful strife defiled lies. It’s very hard having a best friend that chooses to lose in a ruse of refuse. There’s a broken need that bleeds from a wrong seed weed. I never believed I would ever receive real sisterhood. Then you blessed me with my buried prayer I never vocalized, because it was going to stay inside until I died. Humans want to live a lie to bury cries and internally die, because the ego is a sinful hero, which is really a zero. And pride hides the lies swelling well inside.
But then six or seven years ago? I meet Jojo* and I knew my life would never be the same. She sharpens me in a way that took me a long time to accept not neglect. And I sharpen her in a way she’s still learning to this day to be okay with. 404(14) isn’t just my day, it’s her day too. I rededicated my life to you God. I saw this walk can be done for real. And Jojo let it all go. We found you God together, and surrendered our lives as sisters, because we had each other. I saw I finally had a real God-fearing sisterhood, not a fake stake in break lukewarm storm masquerading in a decay of a ruse called sister. Jojo is a real iron sharpening sister. Then you blew my mind after that day, and blessed me with so many more God-fearing sisters that broke my weed to believe: I will never have godly sisterhoods that are biblical.
But you meet me God, in my fearful tears from the hidden years of flesh god facades. You knew that was all a choke I evoked in my invisibility cloak. For the longest I believed I was the strongest in fading away from the decay of yesterday. Dad the world doesn’t want you your way. The world wants sinning to be the winning way without perishing in hell. That’s why there’s Lukewarm Christianity. A lot of humans want to sin in peace, not live for the Prince of Peace. That’s why it was so hard for me to do this walk. No one around me did it effectively. I felt so lost for five years and then Jojo made it clique for me somehow. Lukewarm Christianity will never be your everlasting eternity. Those five years were so hard to walk, and they felt impossible. It’s easier to not know you God then grieve the Holy Spirit like I did. That’s why I had to convince myself I wasn’t saved, but what’s in the dark comes to light no matter what. I lied but that community I was apart of at the time made me feel endangered to tell the truth. That community at the time made me feel like I had to lie. But so many choose to believe this sinful ruse, and defuse truth by ignoring your biblical proof. The flesh god facade solution is the broken token in the loud crowds to community, there’s no unity in deluded dilutions.
There’s the wrong sensitivity to reject not protect His Holy Trinity and Divinity, with false prophecy preaching in leeching hypocrisy. And disguising lies swelling well inside buildings with no godly wings. That will always sting from the misguided map trap of wrong wedding rings. Two strands will never be His Three, and will always be a pause in His Cause to our True Destiny.
I fight to obey your today, and I pray but all I see is a mockery in my sisterhood with Jojo* there’s a level of wrestle in both she, and I that only you can end God. I want to run because I knew from wrestling with you before 404(14) that your way is the gift of today. Our flesh is a silent profess, and hidden confession suggestion to trap us in a worldly map. A worldly map in the decay of yesterday. A worldly map of sorrow in no tomorrow. Absurd Obedience is lonely. Absurd Obedience is abused in a ruse of refuse, to your truth by rejecting not protecting Your Biblical Proof.
I am tired of giving you my lonely.
I am tired of turning the other cheek.
I am tired of going lower to be weak.
I am tired of you leading me in the Bible to be meek.
Humans are savages that want to feed a broken weed of the salesman law of averages. Humans want to snuff out Your Sun in sin, because it’s a flesh god facade win to wink, and sink in thinking drinking. Humans have no desire to be a worldly fighter, boldly not coldly to light what will never be sparked in the dark. Jojo battles wanting to press play, in the distress of the worldly competitive mess in the decay of yesterday.
The decay of yesterday is a hiss in a poisonous kiss of case dismissed. The pause in Your Cause of today is not the way. Flesh is the Achilles heel that makes us peel, and feel because we are all human. My flesh pisses me off on a moment to moment basis, so I can’t be the only saint with this ongoing battle. That’s why God said to pay attention to his two commandments: love God and love your neighbors.
The reality is we all need to be set free, but we can’t do that without being a community with godly unity. That’s the only way to be stronger and longer to combat the attacks of the decay in yesterday. We must be each other’s keepers. Where one human is weak the other is strong. We need to be each other’s keepers. Only together will we be better, and be able to stand in the world of quicksand. Sisterhood for women, and brotherhood for men is imperative to thrive not survive on this walk with God. Where I am weak my sisters are strong. And where I am strong, my sisters are weak. We must carry and cover each other’s blindsides, otherwise we’ll all silently, violently cry, and die on the inside. Lies eat us up until we speak up from the space that makes us a disgrace.
We cannot be lukewarm about unity, that’s the only way we can be strong in protecting God’s Business with togetherness. Not everyone is strong enough to cancel out mans attacks to trust God above in love, to reject, and protect God’s voice over trusting the choice of human-confirmation catastrophes. Not everyone is called like Saul who turned to Paul, or Abram who turned to Abraham. Not every woman is a badass like Esther, or fiercely faithful and obedient like Ruth, or even Hannah the mother of Samuel. And that’s okay. However, being better in togetherness will make satan flee, because where two or more are gathered that’s where His Presence will be. Imagine if we came together as a human race? There’s nothing we couldn’t face. I battle believing that one day the decay in yesterday will end, like pressing play in the song of flesh god facade throng of pretend.
All of this is a hiss that feels like a legalized lie of case dismissed.
All of this feels painful and draining me in vain.
All you keep telling me Daddy is: you will see…..
But all of this feels like a peel at the expense of me.
What I choose to do Daddy is run to you, in stillness and give you my feelings; because if this walk was based on my feelings. What I see I would’ve never been the daughter you made me to be. Thank you God for creating a safe space to fearlessly express my emotional turmoil mess. Thank you for the gift to write and create. Thank you for trusting me with all that you do God. I love you so much, and I’ll never stop choosing you. God loves you more than you will ever understand world keep fighting, and keep choosing to cling to him. God will always be worth it. Nothing on earth will ever satisfy the way God does. Don’t take my word for it, take a leap to see. I love you too world, boldly not coldly because God taught me too. Love your sister Crysta.
Love you forever and ever Daddy,
*names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy.