I didn’t think I had to write about this dream, but surrendering the mindset that things will come to the grave with me is not in the bible. You didn’t trust me with the gifts and abilities that you do for me to take anything to my grave. One of the greatest lessons in this pruning process is when I speak: I’m Your Weak, and Meek, because you supernaturally step in and part The Red Sea.
You did it with my grades last semester. Getting a 2.8 was humbling, because I’m not a thugget and I don’t have anything. I can’t thug out in my pain anymore. I can’t keep hurting Jojo,* my family, and my other sisters who love me with my diligent selfish silent cries. They’re violent. Thank you for reaching me that I had to tell Jojo when I’m struggling to eat, because food used to repulse me. And when I’m having panic attacks.
If Jojo wasn’t there the night that Donald Trump was elected who knows what would’ve happened to me. I was paralyzed in panic. You supernaturally walked Jojo through doing exactly what I needed. I was stunned to silence. That’s the second time she saved my life. She will always be my best friend. Always no matter how many attacks satan attempts to enter our ordained sisterhood. the enemy will never separate us. We will always be resurrected stronger and wiser. Thank you Daddy for that conviction. Thank you for also teaching me how easily I shut down when I’m overwhelmed. Two thousand sixteen was an intense year emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Emotionally because the blindside attacks, and triggers that were bigger than the gift in the switch of today showed me how much pain with no gain I was carrying all in vain. Ironically on the night that Donald Trump got elected, I was finally free from the night I was sexually assaulted at nineteen. That loop retired, because there’s no Troop better than you Daddy. Thank you for teaching and reaching me that everything has a blessing. Including the actions of that he you keep saying is for me.
Spiritually there’s an unexplainable connection to this he you Daddy keep saying is for me; and that makes no logical or tangible sense. But supernaturally I see he + He + her so clearly, with this he, me, and you as our Three God. I started changing the moment I laid eyes on this he you God keep saying is for me. I haven’t stopped changing no matter what reality currently seems to be. I don’t buy it and I never will, no matter what humans tell me. God you allow what man in quicksand need to see: the bleed in broken token weeds, so the hallow swallow of no tomorrow is the final bow to Your Allow. The two wrong hues of these two will never be Your True.
131 is matrimonial sin, and a build up hiccup that the no unity night community will never be better together in the robotic crowds of that building with no godly wings. They’re lonely loud sounds, and walking in talking cloned drones. These humans feel empty sinning in the tailspin of worldly confetti. These humans are filled with cheap thrills, and not Your Gills. These humans created the permeated standstill of no godly winning by a false prophet who made it hobbit in the decay of yesterday. The black tee kool-aid kids felt struck with luck in the rewind of time since the hiss and diss of year two thousand nine. It’s a dragon high that really died, but pride hides the lies deep like a cheap creep swelling inside. Kool-aid is not Jesus’ fine wine. Kool-aid is a mix drink. Jesus refused mix drinks on the Cross of Calvary. Thank you Daddy for being bigger than the trigger the black tee kool-aid kids feed with broken need.
Physically I am a new human. I’m a size four godly woman that loves the new wine skin that I am in. I take good care of my skin and my body, to the best of my ability. It’s challenging with the limited and deliberate funds of this current reaching by teaching season in that hot mess building. In building number two Daddy that’s a hot robotic mess too. I haven’t been this size since I ran track, debated, played volleyball, and baseball. I never thought that I would be this size again.
Then you parted the Red Sea just for me Daddy. I never thought I would be natural again. Taking care of my hair naturally for 15 years after my mom had no concept to take care of my hair got tiring. I said, flip it ok done, let my hair be broken: who cares, at least I’ll be able to comb it. Combs used to break in my hair and it was upsetting. But then the sixth month of the year two thousand sixteen, you pressed on my heart to go back to my original existence. So I did Daddy and I’m so happy I did. I’m a confident woman of God.
The dream I had the other night right before my birthday felt random. But today I accept nothing is ever random with you Daddy. The dream started with a replica of where I found you (again) God: in the building with no godly wings. There was a bench and some black tee kool-aid kids that were sitting on the bench, including the he you say is for me. he was wearing headphones and laughing to himself. When I prayed over the dream by myself, and then with Jojo we came to the same conclusion: he’s protected, and no weapon formed against him will ever prosper. All prayers happening against your will Daddy are being rejected. Thank God.
This he you say is for me was sitting next to the wrong she you keep showing me Daddy will flee eventually, but what was between them was a cloud that this wrong she was trying to penetrate but couldn’t. And then you told me after I woke up Daddy that it was you. Amen to always working and moving. None of the other black tee kool-aid kids were wearing headphones, just the he you say is for me. There was pretentious laughter that seemed routined. Then I noticed the stage and there were performers, but not what used to be just a bad imitation. I immediately said you’ve upgraded me from this God. I outgrew this black tee kool-aid clique, which is why you’ve evolved my place of worship.
So I left and ended up in Trinidad. At first I didn’t know I was in Trinidad, which is the country my dad is from. You only revealed that detail to me last night Daddy. I definitely wouldn’t of connected that at first, because I saw one of my Asian Guyanese aunt. Guyana is where my mother is from. And I asked her why she didn’t call me back. And she coughed and it reminded me of the terrible cough on the voicemail she recently left me. Then you pressed on my heart to pray for her in the dream, and I haven’t stopped since. I pray I remember to call her today or soon.
In the dream she said something I can’t remember now, and I said oh okay. Then she told me she had something six months ago but it left, and she’s hoping it’s not coming back. What she told me was a word that started with the letter L. I rejected something that came to me, and I looked at my aunt and saw her gorgeous thick long black hair: thin and falling out suddenly. I think I rejected that too. I went into a deep denial mode. Then this Indian Trinidadian man came, and I asked him, “who are you?” And he said, “security.” I immediately thought about the he you keep saying is for me.
I supernaturally saw through the white walls, there were dangerous giant men outside, but I am a thugget and I wasn’t scared. But you had no time for my tough girl act Daddy. At this point my aunt didn’t feel like she was the same, but I still saw her. There was definitely a difference. I can’t put my finger on it. The floor was a blue rug, like the deep blue sea. I asked the Trinidadian security guard, “what’s outside?” And he said, “not your concern, you must go. There’s no time to waste.” And he ushered me, and my aunt out then we left. I woke up.
I prayed, and you told me to trust you Daddy and that I will see. I called Jojo and she said that this he that you keep saying is for me Daddy is protected. And that we have to keep praying for my aunt. Jojo said that whatever is about to happen that I’m protected, and so is my aunt but we have to pray for her. Beautiful eyeballs that read these words, I need you to pray for my aunt too. I don’t know if I can handle any more loss, but God is God. If I thrived the last three years, losing my grandmother on my birthday, my favorite uncle, and my cousin who taught me godly grace in same year, then I think I can handle anything. But please pray, there’s a lot going on and only prayer, my bible, and my sisters are keeping me.
Daddy you’ve transformed me emotionally, spiritually, and physically to a space I no longer feel stronger as a silent disgrace. I stand tall in this current pitfall, because you have my all God. It’s hard knowing you have my brother on this journey alone out west, and none of us can hear from him. It’s very hard. I’ve never been indefinitely separated from my brother before. But you love my brother far more than I ever will Daddy. Daddy you love all of us better than we would ever love ourselves or any human can ever love us. I choose to trust you with my brother, with my job, with my finances, with my ribcage, with my family, and with my Jojo. I bow before the Lord of Lords and trust without borders.
I love you so much Daddy,
Love your daughter.
Thank you for setting me free.
*Names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy