intentionality 

Dear Daddy,

You are doing the most; but I love you, and say yes even though apart of me is over walking by talking this blind faith. I as this she you keep saying is for this he, gets no tangibility but this he gets maps on top of maps. This is a phallus palace world. It doesn’t matter what phallus sways, humans obey and stay where the phallus plays. I’m so over it. I’ve never seen phallus power like in this he, that you God keep saying is for me. This he completely freaks me out. I’ve convinced myself that this he wasn’t real. I had to, because I wanted my sanity back. I’ve lost my mind, my three mental breakdowns was preparation for all of this. Those felt like cupcakes in comparison to the last three years I’ve walked through. 

This he has a phallus power like the midnight hour. This he is like a Tower of Babel that makes my stake in fake press play in scrabble. That’s why you’re doing the most God. This he changed my life completely, the tenth month of the year two thousand thirteen. I went in that building that now has no godly wings, just wanting the hue that is true: You. I didn’t even ask you for anything else. I went to you the very night before, crying out how broken I was. I told you how afraid I was to get it wrong again with another wrong man. I told you I couldn’t handle another wrong relationship. I could not survive having another wrong man have my body. I told you God I can’t walk through that brokenness anymore. 

I begged you to protect my eyes, ears, and heart to never ever fall for a pitfall. Especially a lustful pitfall with another wrong man, that would bleed a weed of sinful quicksand. I needed my ex-“boyfriend” to be my sixth jar to break. I was in no mindset for a he far less this he you keep saying is for me. God you showed me this he in intentionality, which was apart of my purposive journey to switch in the gift of today. God you defused my ruse of single-hood philosophy after this he made his hit it and quit it swim in sin with wrong she, the 131 legalized-lie that makes them both die on the inside. After this he decided to infuse this muse of 131 fun in no godly sun, with wrong she that will never be me.

in • ten • tion • al • i • ty

(n) 1. the fact of being deliberate or purposive. 

pur • pos • ive

(adj) 1. having, serving, or done with a purpose.

“Teaching is a purposive activity.” 

Oxford Dictionaries

Daddy I actually love teaching. I don’t love the nonsense that I have to deal with, but I do love teaching and reaching these children. This and being natural is totally working out and making sense. Everything else I have yet to see but you keeping talking and walking me through this unseen destiny, supposedly with this he who you won’t stop saying is for me. Even though, this he is currently in a 131 cancerous reality, you God still want me to see this he + me will be Your Three because that is what you see. I don’t know how to have intentionality to see your three with this he. 

This so hard for me. None of this is easy. I’m gone from that toxic throng of sinning no winning night no unity community that pays attention to apprehension. As long as that building has robotic mixed drinks black tee kool-aid kids, then the fact that no godly wings are the be and the see can continue to be ignored freely. That building that has no godly wings is on a replay in a decay of many yesterdays that’s on rotation, from the fearful hesitation of humans that stick to the ugly known in returning to their own vomit. 

I can’t do it. I can’t publicly claim a he that is hard for me to see is for me. Because this same he decided to walk a talk and path that lead him to the shoes he’s in now. I’m beautiful God. It took me 33 years to finally see I’m beautiful on the inside and out. Now I’m walking my 34th year of life because of your blessing to revive me by reaching and teaching me to not just survive but thrive. Why does this he have to be for me now? I’m finally okay with his decay in yesterday. 

The same way you supernaturally put this he in my heart you can take him out. You can do anything. Why can’t things just be different? Why couldn’t you God give me different? I don’t look forward to love, a wedding, an engagement, nothing romantic for myself. It doesn’t matter anymore. Jojo* thinks I can just magically walk through these emotions and just be okay with what you keep telling me and showing me and I’m not. I’m not okay with any of it. I think love is bull now. Because too many of your humans walked in intentionality and spat on God ordained marriages like sinful savages. It’s not okay. So I’m not okay. Who knows if I ever will be after everything. 

I do know that I love reaching and teaching your youth. 

I do know that I love teaching your youth biblical truth.

I know that I love my family, and my friends are my family too. 

I know that I love your people because you taught me too.

That’s all I can walk with intentionality in. That’s all I can handle at this point. Everything else is too much you are saying, and not enough doing. All of this feels like an electronic collar that shocked me one too many times where I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, because it’s the expectation. 

I’m severely scarred, and forever changed by this diabolical 131 worldly not godly savage ‘marriage.’ I have ptsd, and I’m triggered easily. I had no intentions on being this transparent on how affected I was/am, by that building with no godly wings, and wrong wedding rings that sting. You’re God so none of this shocks me. Even if this he ain’t for me, which is easier at this point, whatever he you have I feel bad for. That’s why I am cool with being single. It’s easier, and far safer for my heart, so you can spare whatever son of yours. Jojo can have her ribcage, and be happy. She deserves it, and I want her to be. I don’t know anymore about me. As for you? I still choose to lose the world boldly not coldly. I still choose to fight in through your Light with purposive teaching by reaching in intentionality. 

I love you Daddy.

Love your daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

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