slums of sin 

I’m tired of doing 

the right thing

and all I feel is 

struggles and stings 

I’m tired of believing 

what I don’t see

when all that’s around 

me is toxicity 

I’m tired of fiscally being limited 

when the green will remove my scene

I’m tired of being angry 

and yelling at broken people 

that stick to flesh spilling 

I’m tired of people sinning 

and being celebrated 

in the slums of filthy flesh

I’m tired of the darkness not ending 

I’m tired of rising above

People want to be free 

to flee with the enemy

to sin and dilute biblical truth

I’m tired of praying 

for people that want

to replay time 

and rewind your why’s 

of letting go 

to walk the unknown 

No one wants the unknown 

So let them perish who cares 

Bring rapture already

I’m scared 

People will know who you are 

and suddenly love you 

and want you

I’m tired of the robotic 

and chaotic reels

of pretending in the 

land of quicksand 

I’m tired of seeing the disgusting sin

that gets the world to press play

in the decay of yesterday 

and be a leader of darkness not light 

snuffing out the Light of Jesus Christ

I’m tired of struggling

I’m angry you took everything 

Saying yes shouldn’t be this hard 

Saying yes shouldn’t 

require so much uncertainty 

Saying yes shouldn’t 

have me not knowing anything 

There’s so much uncertainty 

that makes me uneasy

I don’t want to go to my family 

People are judgmental 

Family judges the most 

Family always has something to say

Family always thinks they know best 

That’s why I stick to myself 

That’s why I want to be by myself 

I’m tired of hearing people’s mouths 

I’m tired of hearing Jojo 

speak with logs in her eyes 

Jojo is no different than me

she throws tantrums too

I’m tired of everyone 

that makes me feel 

like I die in the inside 

I’m tired of being here 

I don’t want to see anyone around me

It’s hard fighting to do what’s right 

when everything is a big question mark

I’m tired of my parent’s brokenness 

I’m tired of struggling fiscally

I’m tired of having a home of uncertainty 

I’m tired of you 

not showing me what to do God 

I’m tired of the facades 
that people use 
to abuse your truth 
and dilute biblical proof 
I’m happy you pulled me out of that job

I’m not happy 

you haven’t shown me 

what’s next

I need to see to be free

That job was killing me

That job was so unhealthy 

just like my family

I’m tired of being 

unhealthy and these circumstances 

bringing out the worse in me

I’m tired of fighting with everybody 

God you’re not doing anything 

that’s how it feels 

I’m so angry that I choose truth 

yet there’s all of this uncertainty 

around me that makes me uneasy

Biblically you’re the God of Miracles

where is the miracle to fix all this craziness? 

Biblically you’re the God that moves

at the midnight hour 

so where’s Your Power?

Send Your Power God

I need it

I need a different living arrangement 

I need my pockets to stop being lean

I need you to allow me to move 

and do what you called me to do

God I need you

I don’t want to talk to anyone 

I don’t want to see anyone 

I don’t want to believe anymore 

Too much lying and crying 

I just want this all to end 

I can’t do this brokenness anymore 

It hurts enough God 

I tap out

so please show me what to do

Please show me how to move

Please remove me from this house 

Please change my pockets 
so I’ll never have to hear 
someone tell me ‘because of me…’
I feel so lonely 

no one walks 

in these insane shoes but me

You have called me to see biblically

I never asked for any of this 

I just wanted you God 

Everything fell apart

There’s so much pain in my heart 

I’m so tired God please move 

I can’t do this anymore 

Everything is so hard

I wanted to control my vulnerability 

God you’re dismantling me

You just put me to sleep to calm me

I have so much anger inside 

that can no longer hide behind my pride 

I thought a different state would take away

the he you have been silent about lately

Instead you showed me a wedding date God 

A wedding date you told me 

to trust without borders 

I don’t know how to let go of what I know 

I don’t want to let go of my anger 

I believe that my anger protects me 

from my heart being broken by what I see

and the actions or words in people’s toxicity 

I’m tired of words and actions affecting me,

so I decided to be angry to protect me

I don’t like that you’re making me see the light

of every hurt with no worth 

I swallowed painful hallows 

from so many wrong bow follows

I have nothing 

I’m 34

I can’t see my beauty 

Compliments make me cringe

You took it all away 

I’m in a slum of sin in eruptive strife 

It’s not right God that 

you dismantled this facade 

It’s not right God that 

you exposed how scarred I am 

It’s not right God that 

you exposed how damaged I am 

It’s not right God that 

the world now sees me internally 

I patrolled a control 

that made me cold 

Being cold is protective 

but you’ve rejected 

my way from this display

which gives me so much dismay 

I’m so weak and low 

I have no control

I am truly exposed 

I cannot do what 

I used to ruse 

You took it all away

I have no idea 

what lies ahead 

I have nothing 

I’m 34

I can’t see my beauty 

Compliments make me cringe

You took it all away 

I have nothing 

I’m 34

I can’t see my beauty 

Compliments make me cringe 

You took it all away

God why are you making me face 

the years of swallowing disgrace I faced?

I have nothing 

I’m 34

I can’t see my beauty 

Compliments make me cringe 

You took it all away 

God you can’t bless avoidance 

like my parents 

I have nothing until 

I face everything that broke me 

because only you can restore me

I’m 34 

I can’t see my beauty 

Compliments make me cringe 

I tried to limit my struggles 

by being crafty 

God you won’t bless me 

until I walk through 

this part of my testimony 

I can’t handle stress 

It kills me 

and makes me do 

the unhealthy habits 

like starve and pull out my hair 

God you made me admit this to Jojo* 

and that exposure upsets me

I had no control over what she knows 

You told her everything supernaturally 

through my tongue or your blueprint 

I feel rejected

I feel neglected 

I feel unaccomplished 

I feel ugly 

I feel exposed 

God I’m so sorry 

that lying about my feelings

made me believe I’m protected 

I don’t believe anyone 

truly cares about me

That he you keep saying 

is for me didn’t want me

Yet you showed me a wedding date

I’m just a way to take 

whoever to the next step 

due to the hue of my intellect 

God you freed me from lust 

I now see I’m no longer just a body 

I don’t know what you have next for me

I’m afraid to be happy 

I think you’ll just take it away 

or block it so I keep myself at bay 

I don’t know how to fully trust you God

God you allowed so much craziness

I think it’s cruel and I feel like a fool 

I’m just fighting 

for your Light of Jesus Christ

I’m struggling to display 

I’m okay to the world 

I don’t like that you 

dismantled my bubbly mask

I don’t like how much of an introvert I am 

I don’t like you didn’t let me keep 

what you say is cheap 

Being exposed according to me is a death trap

The recent assignment you used for my 
alignment is a prime example of every 
emotional bullying I was used as an example

I’m so emotionally screwed up 

that I want no one around me not even Jojo 
because she sees all of me now 

No one ever saw all of me and stayed 

and that’s the expectation 

that I’ve learned to accept 

But you’re doing a lot God 

by telling me that facade is now gone 

I’ve had me to rely on for 34 years 

and now you’re trying to show me it’s changing 

I have no say in what you’re arranging 

God I lay it down 

my mindset 

my control 

my angry tongue 

Show me how to grow godly in these areas

I choose to trust you 

in the deepest part of my heart 

I don’t want to be apart from you 

I need you more than my lies 

I need you more than my pride 

I need you to revive 

that I died inside 

I need you so much God 

to show me how to forgive myself 

to show me how to forgive my family 

to show me how to forgive everybody 

I can’t lift off without 

your pruning and evolution 

So evolve me to be 

who you called me to see

You say I’m ready 

I don’t trust that

But I’m taking a leap 

because I’m tired of feeling 

dirty and cheap 

I’m so sensitive and 

my sensitivity has been abused so badly 

I worked so hard to hide this truth

that anger developed 

and I’ve been called out before Jojo  

I just got rid of those people 

I don’t want Jojo to leave 

but I’m afraid to believe 

Everybody leaves and 

I’m used to that scene 

Okay God show me

how to embrace everything 

you’ve shown me in Alabama

so I never look like my mother 

or my he to never look like my father 

or our future children to look like

me and my siblings 

please cover my nieces and all my family

Generational curses freak me out

that’s why I tried to convince myself 

I no longer wanted to be a mother

or a wife but that’s a lie that you made die

God show me how to give you 

all my pasts hurts with no worth

God show me how to make my pain 

have godly gain and not be angry in vain 

God free me from this bondage 

I no longer want to be a hostage

Show me how to walk the shoes 

you called me to talk your truth 

God you set me apart 

The anointing on this calling 

is bigger than me 

so show me how to be set free

I let go of my alcoholic father

I let go of my manipulative mother

I let go of my lost and confused brother 

I’ve been removed completely 

I see that supernaturally so lift me 

I’m ready for what’s next 

I cannot neglect your intellect or prospect 

I don’t want to be strong 

in the slums of my sins any longer

I want to win 

God you’re my truth 

I’m done with the slums of my sins

I love you my King 

Love your daughter 

*names changed for privacy purposes

#TeamProPrivacy 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “slums of sin 

  1. Amen!!! Wow!! So good! So speechless!! Thank you for sharing and for your honesty! Thank you for allowing us in our your truths and walkways on this journey! Love you sis! So proud of you!

  2. Thank you! God literally gets all the glory. God pushes me to come out of my cocoon so I can get ready for take off. 2 is the new 34. 🤣🤣🤣 I love you! So glad we are in this together. ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s