triggered

Conversations that 

expose me

are hard to hear 

and not fear

the accountability 

I now see.

Thank you God

for blessing me 

with a sister 

like my best friend Jojo*

She’s a secret prayer 

that you’ve answered

above and beyond, 

because you’re a God 

that’s in the business 

of exceeding desires.

I cannot believe 

the moment 

I surrendered

my gauging to wage

what’s coming to me

about that he

that I’m fighting 

in the light of 

Jesus Christ 

to not be weary,

that all these entries 

were scribed by 

my rhyming writing. 

Every wall I build 

God you dismantle 

my patrol to control

preparing for blindsided lies.

It’s year three 

on the Cross of Calvary

by killing my identity.

On the forth month

of the forth day

in the year 

two thousand fourteen,

I walked away from

the decay’s of disobeying. 

I humbly stretched with 

my Savior and

everything is now

a bow from the world 

boldly not coldly, and 

flipped upside down.

I’m over and under 

in this uncertain blunder, 

that you have me so covered. 

in the midnight hour by 

your magnate power 

today, I obeyed and 

kept leaping

instead of the dead 

lead creeping.

It’s a double edge sword

to be protected by 

my mother’s ailing 

health condition. 

You parted the Red Sea

of our place of residency.

I’m grateful that 

there’s relief

in that area that gave 

us such grief.

Still there’s hesitancy 

and an expectancy

for a rug to be 

pulled from 

underneath me.

Daddy there has 

to be a catch

I can’t just 

need to rest 

and to be still

so you can heal.

What’s about to 

go wrong now?

This is my 

ongoing question

that my stomach 

has so much pain.

During my conversation 

regarding my departing 

terminated “resignation,”

The language 

that was used

triggered me to see 

my life’s story.

Everything is hard.

Everything has been 

a painful tailspin and fight.

All my life

I’ve felt like 

I’ve been desperate 

to not drown to the ground

of the deep blue sea.

I can’t swim and 

it’s dark and grim.

I’m afraid of the dark.

I can no longer

be stronger in 

denying my fears.

One of my biggest fears

you’ve used that he 

to set me free from

rejection, 

expectations on one flesh, and

understanding I have to confess.

Seeing my deep issue 

like my easily 

lost appetite 

gives Jojo so much strife 

that we fight.

She sharpened me 

as she always does

and told me 

all I need to do

is trust you Daddy 

and allow you to meet me

in my dreams. 

But I don’t want to sleep.

What you show me

doesn’t match reality 

and I’m tired of the feeling

of being teased 

by what you show me.

Jojo thinks our connection 

is beautiful Daddy

and special,

I agree it is. 

You speak to me similarly 

like your biblical prophets.

Every time Jojo tells me

I get angry. No one wants that.

Prophets go through the most.

Frankly life sucks.

So I fight my sleep. 

I just fight you in general 

because I’m tired.

Jojo told me 

that I see exhaustedly 

because I lean on me.

It’s true I don’t 

lean on you Daddy 

I lean on myself 

because I think 

I am all I have.

Jojo’s about to 

be one flesh soon.

So I gotta figure out 

my next moves 

but you just tell me 

to trust you

and you talk about 

that he is coming to me

like why!? When I believed 

he didn’t see me.

I want to be 

like: Message received, 

I believe that I don’t care anymore. 

But something in me

rejects this theory.

Daddy you changed me.

I’m so on edge.

I’m trying to be ready 

for judgmental words,

or anyone coming for me

but all you’re saying 

is sit in stillness 

while waiting

and sleep so 

you and I can 

meet and you 

can heal me.

I don’t know how 

to be healed.

I’ve walked in 

brokenness for so long

it’s the only track 

of setbacks 

that’s my soundtrack.

I know how to 

be single and alone.

It is safe and far better 

than dealing 

with broken relationships. 

Daddy I was fine 

with assuming 

I got this and 

then you had me

scribing all the pitfalls 

that affected me deeply

and triggered my PTSD.

It took me a 

long time to accept 

I am effected 

by this acronym.

Four letters should not 

cause me to pause.

Jojo thinks I’m in 

denial about a lot

and that’s why you’ve 

made me empty Daddy.

And then 

you’re telling me

that he’s coming 

to my space.

Why now when 

I’m depleted 

and empty?

Before when 

I thought 

I was ready 

it was my way.

Your ways are 

not my ways.

(Isaiah 55:8)

being so triggered 

and having 

conversations on 

the openness in my 

newfound awareness 

has me wanting 

to curl in a ball.

Daddy you called me

to conquer my pitfalls.

Daddy you called me

to give my all.

Daddy you called me

to be set free godly.

Okay Daddy

as scary as this is

I’m all in. 

So let your 

will be done.

I love you Lord.

Thank you for dealing

with hot mess me.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

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