You’re deliberate. Regardless if I’m okay with keeping decay’s of yesterday’s internally, my dismay is not the way. It’s time to confess moments that gave me deep distress, and forever changed the way I’ve arranged my incorrect math on this path. You are my Creator that’s far greater, and make my direction straight, because it’s never too late according to the hue that will always be true: you Daddy.
Supernaturally you told me how Sunday evening would play out. And tangibly I reacted like an uncooperative baby. Going to dinner with Jojo,* Lanta,* and her male friend was bigger than the surface displayed. Lanta’s male friend triggered my jar number four that you kicked to the door Daddy. The same number four I bumped into with Jojo last November, after that concert you summoned us to go to. Daddy, you know how you also summoned us to go to Birmingham, Alabama two weeks ago as well? Yes, that level of supernatural command, where we had no choice but to obey your loud still small voice. I accept this iron sharpening, but I also want slight enable, where you meet me in my brokenness, which you won’t even give me Daddy. Fine, even though I don’t think that’s fair. Biblical isn’t always fair right?
This past Sunday was bigger than all four parties sitting in that Friday’s restaurant. Lanta’s male friend immediately became my ex-boyfriend in my mind. They were so similar. I didn’t want to see, or acknowledge that a relationship that ended over six years ago triggers me so badly. That’s illogical because it’s not like I was in love with him. I wasn’t and I knew I wasn’t but I had sex with him, and I was tired of giving my body to a dude, and it didn’t work out so I was determined to make it work. But my ex’s bubbles of troubles were beyond my help. He was so hot and cold. He was so up and down. He was so day and night. Being his girlfriend was a battlefield. A battlefield I stepped on everyday, not knowing if I was going to successfully dodge the well-disguised bombs on the ground. At one point everyday felt like I was going to blow up. So I prepared myself the best way I knew how. This ex never physically abused me [thank God.] But emotionally I’m screwed up, because of this relationship. He did emotionally abuse me.
So sitting across from Lanta’s male friend brought up memories I had no interest in walking through. And I was praying that I didn’t come off weird to everyone else. And I didn’t want to make this poor guy I didn’t know feel weird. I felt like he was coming for me the way my ex did when he blindsided me. I wasn’t ready for my ex, but I was ready for this guy. I’m always ready for someone now, because no one will ever come for me again. Fool me once not twice. This is my broken mentality Daddy. But this isn’t biblical so you walked me through the intense reminder this past Sunday, and you used that vessel that reminded me so much of my ex.
The guy from Sunday carried himself like he thought he was African royalty, and my ex did that. I asked my ex why he walked around like he was an African prince, and he told me he was. I was flabbergasted and then he admitted to me where his family lived, and showed me and I was too through. I wanted to be a different Crysta after that moment. I asked myself what did I get myself into being with an African prince!? I never told anyone. And I think my ex picked up I didn’t open up about my private affairs, and he used that to his advantage.
Things just went from bad to worse with my ex. I realized how possessive he was and it freaked me out. I did research and went down a rabbit hole of paranoia from what I discovered. That’s a trait of physical abuse, and I found so many horror stories online. The one that stood out the most was being chopped up. It was a broken replay in my brain. I just kept telling myself I can’t get chopped up, my family won’t survive that. But I swallowed all of this, and tried to figure out how to combat that dangerous trait my ex had.
I wanted to surprise my ex with a weekend getaway to D.C. He always wanted to go to the Smithsonian, so I found a deal and was going to surprise him for his birthday. But he was such a douchebag the weekend I was about to book it so I said flip it. He literally snapped at me, because I was trying to figure out when he was free without giving the surprise away. And he thought I was cheating on him. We got into an unnecessary nasty fight, and I told him what I was trying to do, and he felt bad and said we could still go and I said no you killed the joy. I should’ve left then but I didn’t. It didn’t hurt enough.
Fast forward to this past Sunday this poor guy who was not my ex, became my ex because that’s what I saw. He’s in the same profession as my ex, dresses like my ex, had a Rolex like my ex. I was triggered so badly. I failed at playing it off. Jojo knew right away but Lanta didn’t know because I never opened up to her about this ex of mine. I asked this poor guy on Sunday if he was a prince and he said no. Then he said a funny joke that eased some of my tension, but I was still on edge and on guard.
It’s really uncomfortable for me to write about this Daddy, but you’re leading me so I trust this process without borders. I come from a broken culture where it’s believed certain things stay hidden and go to our graves. And I honestly thought all my brokenness was supposed to stay with me until my grave. Daddy you keep telling me the he you showed me three and a half years ago is for me, and is coming to me. And I’m so freaked out, I don’t feel ready. I’m not where I need to be according to me. But according to the hue that will always be true: you Daddy, I am exactly where I need to be.
I hate how all of this looks. I’m unemployed, in debt, broke, and emotionally vulnerable. I’m completely scarred, and need to be handle with some kiddy punk gloves. What about my tough girl act I worked my butt off to create?! Why did you have to take that? Why do I have to be so raw and so vulnerable and so annoyingly delicate? This is so stupid. Why do I have to be so blank and empty? I don’t like this Daddy. Why couldn’t I look how I wanted to look!? Like I’m established and good with walls in tact, where I know I can’t be hurt. I don’t know anything or what’s going to happen with this he you keep saying is for me, who I can’t flee from, and I now see I don’t want to actually. I just want to control how it looks when he comes to me. That would make me feel so much better, because I can ensure I won’t go into another war-zone on another battlefield.
Daddy this is so hard. You want me to lay it all down. How can I protect myself if I do that? How can I show any man that they can’t come for me ever again, and their deep pockets doesn’t guarantee they no more than me, if you take this battlefield away from me? I know I don’t know everything Daddy, but I do know that I’m no longer hiding my intelligence you’ve blessed me with. I now walk in the confidence of Jesus Christ who’s the light that shines bright within me. I can do all things through Jesus. (Philippians 4:13.) This truth is ingrained in my veins.
Daddy you want me to be a trusting blank canvas for this he you won’t stop saying is for me, and you tell me he loves me when love is an action word, and he never showed it. I showed more love to him than he did to me. This feels like insanity Daddy, but you want me to trust you in this area with this he you Daddy keep saying is for me, and that’s so scary. I don’t know how to do that. I’m so jacked up. I just want to be in a ball staring at a wall. Biblically giving up isn’t for me. So teach me and reach me, to see the parted Red Sea with this he you’ll never stop saying is for me. Show me and grow me, to be set free from my ready battlefield pending stings that will never be a wrestling ring. Show me and grow me to know there’s no rumbling tumble, because I’m safely tucked under Your Wings. Give me the strength to believe in this area that I’m an overcomer. Thank you Holy Spirit.
I love you Daddy.
Love your daughter.
*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy