I get why I’m single, and needed this three years and counting pruning process journey, before whatever man that is supposed to come comes. I have no concept of speaking to a man in love when they’re doing the wrong thing. It literally goes over my head. Plus being verbally abused, and knowing how to “take the hits,” just made me assume that everyone knew or did that too. Biblically love is patient, and love is kind. (1 Corinthians 13) I don’t know how to kindly say, “you’re a pathetic man child that needs to grow up.” Seriously how does one say that in love? Sometimes marrying kindness and honesty boggles my mind.
When I was with the African prince, he did a lot of things that made me wince in the sense of immaturity. But he was super tall, and a basketball player that had the typical boy dream to making it to the NBA. There was a lot I wanted to say to him, but when I saw how hot and cold he was, I bit my words. And that just lead me to an unhealthy journey, that God is now thankfully setting me free from. I’m an extremist. I either straight shoot someone, or I stay silent but call them foolish in my head. I also have no concept of the healthy middle: be in love. Thank God you’re teaching and reaching me on how to do that now Daddy. I have no concept of being a healthy human. I’m learning how to do that now, through my Savior who is far greater. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for salvation, and shielding me with the armor of God, (Ephesians 6:11) and how to battle my flesh to walk in success of daily sanctification.
Okay Daddy, I surrender my mindset that I must keep my dreams to myself. I surrender my mindset I’m the only one that can protect myself. I lay them down. No one, including me can love Crysta more than you Daddy. I need to trust you without borders. So I’m done with being cheap in this area, and choosing to take a leap to rest on your Cornerstone Best. Here’s to scribing my rhyming writing that I’m no longer fighting.
The other night I had three dreams, about Jojo,* my old leader I’ll miss from grad school, (that you just yanked me out of Daddy), I was in the dreams, and so was the he you say is for me. The first dream was with my old leader preparing from some event, and she was so frazzled. Jojo came out of no where, and asked her if she needed help. That’s when I appeared to her, because she acknowledged me. Before she didn’t see me. I’ve come to realize that Jojo protects me in my dreams, [and in real-life of course.] Jojo is my blind side. Jojo makes things safe for me. That’s why my old leader was able to see me. Jojo being there made it safe for me to appear. I started helping her too.
Then this tall caucasian man appeared out of no where, and I stopped feeling safe. I sensed danger. He took out this ridiculous looking wand that looked like a wand from The Harry Potter saga I refused to get sucked into. No, I never read the books. No, I don’t want to read the books. Yes, this is a deliberate decision. No I didn’t watch the movies. No offense to JK Rowling or her lyrical brilliancy, because she’s an inspiration to me as a fellow writer. JK Rowling is the only human in history that became a billionaire off of writing. And she’s a woman. Not a man, but a woman peep that and let it marinate. As a woman that makes me leap for joy on the inside. Women are amazing. I become prouder as time passes, that God made me a woman.
This caucasian man pointed the wand to myself, Jojo, and my old leader, and we immediately became ant size humans. What happened next was nine hours had to pass, in order for us to get back to our size. It seemed as though this process happened more than once. Every time that happened to us, we became more and more drained. Reflecting on this caucasian man caused me to see him in a large field of sunflowers with a beautiful sunset. I didn’t know what that was about, I moved on to the second dream.
I called Jojo and we prayed about the dreams, and what came to us was there are forces, or people around us that wanted, or wants to snuff out our potential and light. I’m a skeptical human. Lord I lay down my skepticism. As I scribe these words, I realize that supernatural has no room for skepticism. I reflected on the what came to Jojo, and I saw the painful struggle we endured the last two years, not just at our job you just yanked us out from Daddy, but also the old church you freed us from as well.
It was hard connecting in both the old church, our old job. I’m so glad you freed us from both places. I breathe with ease now. I haven’t breathed with ease in over two years. We felt so ostracized in both places. It felt as if there was some imaginary spotlight on us. It was super uncomfortable how people just clocked us at work, and at our old church. The queens church you sent us to for healing was so great. People were open and kind. People didn’t clock us. It’s unfortunate our time there was up, and now we are in a new place once again.
I had to fight to not acknowledge my ptsd, at my old church because I refused to give anyone ammunition to come for me. Lord, I lay that down too. You protect me better than me. I realized Jojo was correct about forces, or people attempting to snuff out our light and potential. What surprised me was that our old leader is going through similar shoes we walked through. I need to accept that nothing is what it seems for anyone, not just Jojo and me.
“For the truth’s sake, which dwelleth in us, and shall be with us for ever.
Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son.”
The second dream involved where I currently live right now, except the newer version when my parent’s first moved in the apartment. Back then it was presentable for guests, and my parents used to throw social gatherings all the time. Life seemed better then, but it was just my bubble not popping to cold harsh realities. There was a man, myself, and the he God keeps saying is for me sitting on a royal blue couch. I was sitting on the right side, and the he that God keeps saying is for me, was sitting right in front of me as a shield protecting me.
The man I didn’t recognize was sitting on the right side of the couch. He reminded of when I was raped at nineteen. I didn’t feel safe with that man that wasn’t my he God says is for me who was sitting with us. I felt like that man was going to hurt me, and then he God says is for me had his hand as a shield over my lower part of my body. Like he was healing me, like the last dream he healed me, with my left breast that exploded during the dream I had last fall. I assumed the worse, like I was going to be taking advantage of, or worse violently raped. The he God says is for me was my protector so I was safe. I felt safe knowing he was there as if he was my blind side too like Jojo. That’s so hard for me to believe and receive. What you keep showing me Daddy doesn’t match reality.
Currently the he you keep saying is for me, is a victim to the vulgarity of popularity. Walking in his pain in vain by the barbarity of irregularity so unhealthily. Currently the he you keep saying is for me, has the audacity to actually absently blindly hide in stagnancy. I’m becoming healthy, and bravely walking through my pains with your gains, which is so hard for me. All I see in reality is this he you keep saying is for me, wanting to keep the slums of his sins, and flee in misery with the enemy. But when I count my sheep, and sleep I see the he you say is for me meet. Daddy he’s very different in my dreams than he is in reality. Before this transformation I would have taken this he you keep saying is for me however I could get him, but I am so glad you blocked me so you can heal me. All I can do is keep my sword lifted for him to be free too. I want him to be healthy for you and himself. Revealing is healing.
I realize walking through my pains with gains, that I am hungry to keep growing healthy. I can’t be unhealthy anymore. Regardless if this he you say is for me makes my heart skip beats, I cannot be with unhealthy Daddy. I take his flaws and all. I know I’m called to conquer my pitfalls however, reflecting on how traumatic my experience was with that African prince, who made me wince too many times to escape my mind, I cannot be unhealthy no matter how much this he who God says is for me, supernaturally has my key. I know my worth as a woman of God, and as a daughter to the Highest King. I cannot settle for less than this he who God says is for me ultimate best.
When I told Jojo about the second dream, she said the he God says is for me, healed me from my tragedy of being raped at nineteen supernaturally. Just like he healed me supernaturally, from the trauma of what happened to me at nine, and what happened to me at my first job ever. Jojo says this he who God says is for me is my protector, and another one of my blind sides. I would love to walk on faith not by sight and believe that, but what’s currently reality makes it hard for me to supernaturally believe. Tangibility is a bondage that still sometimes holds me as a hostage, but my King who makes my soul sing is setting me free biblically. Biblically, you Daddy say nothing is what it seems to be.
The third dream was about me, and this he that God keeps saying is for me meeting up face to face at a restaurant. I rambled so nervously, because I ramble when I am nervous. The only sentence I comprehended seeing myself say was “I don’t know how to do this.” Then I heard a baby crying. I just kept saying the baby is crying, and the baby needs me. I’m not sure if I was saying this in my head, or to him. Shortly afterwards, a baby boy came who was under two crying in front of our table. I immediately picked him up and told him he was okay, and he fell asleep on my chest.
I felt like his mother, because I was determined to keep him safe, which was so weird to me in the dream but I just rolled with it. Shortly after that his birth mother came, frazzled and saying she’s overwhelmed and in need of help. I told her we were going to help her. And she told me “the baby never slept on anyone like that, because he doesn’t trust easily. You seem like you’re his mother. I can’t take care of him, so you should have him.” Then I looked at the he that God says is for me, to see if he was on board, and he was then I woke up. Jojo said that motherhood will start once the he God says is for me comes to me. I trust your voice Daddy, and I choose to trust your promises. I trust you completely Daddy. So continue to make me ready, and continue to heal me biblically. I remain steadfast, and safely tucked under your wings Daddy. I just say yes. I love you Daddy.
Thank you for making my soul sing.
Love your daughter.
*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy