yo

Where’s Tennessee or Italy? Or D.C.? 

Like I gave you a lot of options to be.

I’ve been over New York since you blocked 

my beautiful plan for Africa. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked all my chances of leaving. 

You blocked Europe too. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked my idiot proof fiscal plan too.

I think I’m still mad.

yo what’s your problem dude? What did I do?

I don’t ask for much. Like I really don’t.

I want to serve you, and spread your truths

without being broke or homeless. 

Maybe I want to travel too. Who knows.

But I don’t ask for much. 

What you gave me to walk is totally sucky.

I prayed against exactly what you showed me.

What you want isn’t what you need.

I didn’t ask you what I needed. I never asked.

I don’t understand why it has to be him. 

Are you open to understand?

No I’m not he didn’t listen and I did.

Restoration is forgiveness.

That’s nice. He gives me anxiety and strife.

Does he really? 

It has to be him or it could be my fears.

It’s years of fears and your hidden tears.

Everything feels so raw and exposed today.

Talking to Lyn* today made me fearful.

She confirmed your life.

That was last week. Today is a new day.

I went into a space of complete panic.

I haven’t been here since before I went 

to the church that cultivated so much hurt.

The church you wanted to avoid.

Duh because of that fake Saved By the Bell

dry spell no unity night community of tees.

It’s not like that anymore.

That’s wonderful God but damage’s been done.

But you God made all my pitfalls have worth.

This week you will see.

What will I see? Just tell me I’m walking blindly

& is so hard for me. I don’t like not seeing.

I grew up in a culture of seeing is believing.

You God literally wrote a storyline with no sight.

You God literally wrote a storyline that pained 

me greatly, which lead me to hidden triggers.

I walked through a lot of healing from revealing.

I didn’t think I needed healing just concealing.

But nothing is concealed from you God. 

Nothing ever will be.

You are the Creator and my Maker that’s far

greater than any of my facades that played god

I’m not okay with any of this. I hate how it looks.

I’ve been robbed by a manmade mirage.

This is all so hard. I’m very hurt by what he did.

It shouldn’t still be what you keep showing me.

I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to believe.

I don’t want to achieve or receive. I want to flee.

It’s all so ugly and phony. Fake is the stake 

that many want to make as their life mistake.

The shaking breaking of faking doesn’t matter.

You need to make Tennessee happen now.

I did what you wanted me to do. I listened.

Where’s my reward of peace? I see toxicity,

which gives me displease and so much unease.

I want nothing to do with this robotic chaos.

He’s not with her.

I don’t care. 

You do care.

Good for that he, bad for the her whatever.

Where’s Tennessee or Italy? Or D.C.? 

Like I gave you a lot of options to be.

I’ve been over New York since you blocked 

my beautiful plan for Africa. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked all my chances of leaving. 

You blocked Europe too. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked my idiot proof fiscal plan too.

I think I’m still mad.

yo what’s your problem dude? What did I do?

I don’t ask for much. Like I really don’t.

I want to serve you, and spread your truths

without being broke or homeless. 

Maybe I want to travel too. Who knows.

But I don’t ask for much. 

What you gave me to walk is totally sucky.

I prayed against exactly what you showed me.

What you want isn’t what you need.

I didn’t ask you what I needed. I never asked.

Why? Because you do the most and no thanks.

Disobedience isn’t the way.

Well neither is waiting in vain. 

You’re not waiting in vain.

Yes I am. What am I waiting for? This is stupid.

You know. 

Not that, I want other answers besides that.

That can’t pay my piling bills.

That can’t pay for this apartment I need.

That can’t do anything for me.

Why block the businesses!? yo they’re good!

It’s not time yet.

It’s not time yet for anything, but drive me mad.

That’s what it feels like. This mess won’t end.

Folks like pretend cool do you boos.

I’m about the foolishness of God.

But you’re doing the most Constant One. 

I’m tired of hearing:

You will see

Hang on 

Be still 

Trust Me

No thank you because this is totally sucky.

This sucks 

This sucks

This sucks

This sucks

This sucks

This is why I have a brain? 

This is why I have skill sets?

To be still when I need money? 

yo you’re doing the most dude.

I can’t say I’m over you.

I do love you and choose truth.

I love biblical proof and confirmation. 

But this still sucks.

I’m not posting this.

You are

No I am not

I am tired of this revealing healing crap.

This is so stupid.

It’s not paying my bills. 

I have your bills. 

Really? Okay then let’s pay them off right now.

In time is not today God.

Slow churn 

Now slow churn makes sense after last night.

You’re a slow roast God, and I’m fast food fool.

You’ve been telling me slow churn for years

and I was like whatever dude don’t get it bye.

You never asked.

True I never wanted to know.

Yes like that man you won’t let up about.

You’re mad loud about him all of a sudden.

How inconvenient when I got other fish to fry.

You can’t forget him.

That’s you’re fault. Not mine. I tried. He tried.

And according to you he failed. He did fail.

Tangibly him failing is hard to see. 

Tangibly he looks easy breezy cruising to me.

I’m not even asking for what he has.

I just want you to let me do that blueprint.

It’s not like I’m not honest. 

A man can never come for me if I do things

the way I want. It’s a guarantee if you let up.

I don’t believe anything about that man 

you won’t stop talking about. I’m tired. 

I just want to do what needs to be done. 

I don’t ask for much. I’m very capable of a lot.

A lot that can pay my bills and get a place.

This stillness is maddening.

This slow churn is maddening. 

This testimony is maddening.

Everything feels and looks so ugly. 

I don’t know how you’ll beautify this.

All I see is sins as sims winning in tailspins.

False prophets making community hobbits.

The end is near.

Rapture? Amen earth sucks.

He’s coming to you.

Jesus Christ? About time.

You know who. 

Nah I’ll wait in this annoying pain.

I hate feeling.

I hate crying.

I hate emotions.

I know you do.

You need to be set free and come to me.

I did hello I’m right here.

My ways are not your ways 

Your Way makes no sense.

Your Way stresses me out.

It’s your control.

I don’t know how to let go of what I know.

I don’t know how to see all things new.

I know my pain and vomit.

He’ll never throw me off again if I stay here.

You dipped my life in radical light and I’m done.

I see the Light of Jesus Christ and I fight.

Like nothing made sense since I stepped 

into the space of that church of so much hurt. 

I want a new testimony.

Stop telling me you’ll see and trust Me.

I don’t want to hear it. I just want my way.

Where’s Tennessee or Italy? Or D.C.? 

Like I gave you a lot of options to be.

I’ve been over New York since you blocked 

my beautiful plan for Africa. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked all my chances of leaving. 

You blocked Europe too. 

I think I’m still mad.

You blocked my idiot proof fiscal plan too.

I think I’m still mad.

yo what’s your problem dude? What did I do?

I don’t ask for much. Like I really don’t.

I want to serve you, and spread your truths

without being broke or homeless. 

Maybe I want to travel too. Who knows.

But I don’t ask for much. 

What you gave me to walk is totally sucky.

I prayed against exactly what you showed me.

What you want isn’t what you need.

I didn’t ask you what I needed. I never asked.

How do I free myself from all of this?

How do I let go of what I know to grow

in this area as a blank canvas?

How do I allow you to paint my picture?

How do I allow you to whiten the blemishes

of this man that I see as toxic quicksand?

How do I get excited about a love story

when I would rather eat glass?

He went so hard for his facade to play god.

No one understands. People try but fall short.

My sister makes me feel like eating glass too.

I’m really used to just keeping people at bay

especially when they break my heart. 

Last year when the new leader of that

night community you say is growing unity now

saw my heart was broken, and I felt so exposed.

I felt so unprepared as a so called prophet

that a complete stranger saw pain wordlessly. 

Aren’t I supposed to see everything!?

No

Then what’s the point of being one?

I feel like a zeroed in weirdo like: 

Moses

Noah 

Joseph 

Abram

Isaiah 

John the Baptist 

Saul to Apostle Paul

yo they were all men. I’m a woman. 

This is stupid.

You’re in good company.

No I’m lonely in this world of phony.

But you got me facing humans for what?

I’m like no thank you homie lonely is cool.

Lonely is safe. Lonely doesn’t break my heart.

Being set apart is hard and feels like a farce.

You will see

Trust Me

I guess one day I will.

Until then I’ll keep scribing my lines that rhyme.

Thank you Constant One for creating 

a space that makes me feel safe.

Love your lighter and daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

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2 thoughts on “yo

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