afraid

Dear Daddy,

Thank you Heavenly Father for continuously blessing me, and surrounding me with your angels. Every time I get frustrated or upset, you send a beautiful angel around me to remind me of your goodness. I was just blessed with an amazing conversation with one of your daughters, La* I always see her around when I’m not in and out of this place. And she’s always fighting to smile and be positive, which sharpens me every single time I see her beautiful face. I’m not always positive, and I’m definitely not as nice as she is. It’s inspiring to see, and pushes me to be a better human. 

We both woke up in the middle of the night on a quest of releasing in the bathroom. We both went to the bathroom on the fourth floor and it was flooded. We bonded over annoyance and laughed heading downstairs as we were doing the pee dance. We both walked into the third floor bathroom, which had a completely different set up, and reacted the same way. We agreed in unison: “why isn’t the fourth floor this nice!?” I made a joke, and said the third floor is like a five star hotel and she laughed. I didn’t understand why there was a pressing on my heart to make her laugh until a few moments later. We kept bonding and laughing, finally able to use the bathroom.  

La just told me she received a phone call that completely changed her life. She couldn’t sleep at all last night, because she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was deeply wrong. She tried calling her husband, and he didn’t pick up. He never not answers her calls, she thought that was strange but she didn’t think any of it at first. She was informed that her husband of sixteen years just passed away. They just made the decision to separate. They have a teenage daughter. She just came out the hospital for treatment of kidney stones. Her aunt just passed away and her funeral is today. Her father just got into a car accident. She’s in a shelter. Yet her beautiful smile radiates like the Light this planet desperately needs, because of so much darkness consuming the earth. I immediately hugged her, and told her she inspires me. Her radiant smile appeared again, and she laughed like I said a funny joke. I nervously laugh too. I become awkward at attention too. I see her clearly, because I recognize the signs. Compliments are like a root canal for me too. I made it clear she was an inspiration, and there was no joke behind that then she thanked me. I told her I’ll be praying for her. She thanked me so much. Her face lit up when I mentioned prayer and God. She told me seeing the third floor bathroom gave her so much hope and light. Her appreciation to the small details blew my mind, and made me push for more of that perspective too. 

Thank you Creator for being the Maker that is far greater. Thank you Creator for the small gifts that you bestow on all the souls on this planet. Like this amazing conversation with La, and that beautiful video of the bear and the dog showdown. You’re always speaking Constant One. We just have to be sensitive enough to see your many gifts throughout the day. I don’t know if I blessed La, but I know she just blessed me. I thank you God for giving me another soul to lift in prayer. Thank King Jesus for being a light that dwells in me, because I choose to believe and receive the anointing of salvation by wearing my helmet. I choose to walk by faith not sight, by putting on my breastplate of faith and love to spread the Light of Jesus Christ. 

Thank you for blessing me with Your Presence always, no matter what my left or right stirs up in strife. Like last night, when I slammed this Christian life. I was so fearful of coming back here too late, and losing my bed. But you lovingly walked me through my rampage of dread. You showed me God that there’s so much fear in my heart. Thank you for trusting me to be open to see what paralyzes me. Thank you for walking me through my constant window ledges of not jumping in my fears. God you always turn the dark to Light in Your Great Might. I’ll continue to surrender my fears, because you are my only anchor not the files in lying fears that’s been buried for years behind my painful tears.

I surrender my fear in what’s to come.

I surrender my fear of the unknown and 

no longer being stronger in cloning drones.

I surrender to being undone.

I surrender my fear of judgment due to

the current hue of my storm, which is 

truly a blessing in disguise 

by my dismantling pride 

of hidden lies that make me die inside.

I’m so afraid of people judging me, 

because I’m in the current space I’m in.

I’m so afraid of never getting back on my feet.

I’m so afraid of a man coming in my space, 

and judging me or worse pulling a rug from me.

I’m so afraid to fall in love.

I’m so afraid to allow people that broke my

heart with cruel words that I sometimes 

replay in the back of my mind, 

over and over again as a disgrace in my space.

Hurtful words feel like I’m dirt with no worth. 

I want to hide like a rewind of time.

I’m so afraid of allowing “them” back in my space again. 

•••

The space I create I trust and believe 

the “them’s” won’t ever hurt me 

with their words again. Distance is deliverance. 

My sister, and that man you say is for me

is far away from me so I can believe in my scene.

I’d rather run and make believe 

that no one has access where I can flee.

I’m so afraid I can’t bounce back from this,

and I’ll never find a job or a studio.

I’m so afraid people can tell I’m down and out,

and they’re going to tell me something mean:

like I smell, and this is typical for a black girl.

That’s why I don’t like going around people

until I get back on my feet, but you keep

making me go to a specific place to face

all my fears. I don’t like it. I don’t like it God.

I’m just so afraid God. I’m choking in fear.

But then you blessed me with this amazing 

conversation with La, and her light is so bright.

She pushes me to believe everything will be

more than okay and this setback is a setup. 

My prayer for that angel:

May you give her the words to ease this wordless blow of losing a father to their daughter. The daughter that you blessed her and her late husband with God. May this tragedy be the blessing their relationship needs to become closer, and run straight to serving you King of Kings. May these back to back storms draw her so much closer to the importance of who you truly are. May she see that you God are the only key she will ever need. May she have the strength to hold her head high, and attend this funeral in the beautiful light that she fights to keep bright. 

May you open the doors supernaturally like a boom boom boom parting the impossible Red Sea to I’m possible for those that believe. This angel deserves it and so much more. May this immeasurable amount of pain she’s feeling be the biggest gain, and her pending platform she will ever face for the Kingdom of God, and her growing God fearing space. May you protect her from all evils that try to make her die inside. May she only be around those that sharpen, and propel her to higher and higher. May she never lose your wonder in this painful thunder of wordless blinding blunders. May she always feel your overwhelming love coming over and under in her space that’s not a disgrace. May her rejection be seen as the godly protection that sets her completely free. May she find herself tucking safely under your wings from all these painful stings. May you always protect, and show her to neglect all ungodly prospects. May she be aggressively sensitive to the still small voice of your everlasting choice. May she always be childlike, and shine so brightly in the Light of Jesus Christ. May it be well in her soul.

Constant One, I don’t know if she’s saved or not but I pray this brings her to full throttle salvation. The signs are there. You want her to come to the light. She said she had hope over a bathroom that was nicer than what she was used to. That level of attention to detail is godly. It is biblical to appreciate the small miracles of you God, which this beautiful angel does. Keep preparing her to say yes to you God, and for her to never look back. I pray you give her the strength to let go of all those she needs to let go of. I pray she lets go of what she knows so she can grow and only know You God.

I don’t want anyone knowing what’s going on with me. But that’s not up to me. I try very hard not to feed that people are fake, and don’t care due to my hurtful encounters in the past. That’s not true. You’ve blessed me with some amazing sisters that I cherish, and I know they’re different. The women here in this shelter are some of the most beautiful souls, and so different too. The ones that are challenging to see the same truth are just deeply hurt, and broken too. I wasn’t always this understanding or fighting to be in the Light of Christ. I was severely mean and broken too. Regardless of my fearful why, everyone has their own why’s. I will get better at praying for those that are hardest to pray for. I’m where I am because people decided not to give up lifting their sword for me. So it’s my turn to lift my sword for those that need someone to fight for them. 

I still have a grudge against my old church, there was so much fake everything I experienced. Fake “godly” counsel. Fake pleasantries. Fake care. Fake fellowship. Fake unity. Fake everything. There was so much hurt I swallowed. That place broke my heart into so many pieces. Then you blessed me with the church that healed my heart. Then you pulled me out, which I battle still thinking truly sucks. Because you put me in a church that now has the same couple that played a role to my broken heart. Their misguided leadership at my old church is why my heart aches in worry. My heart didn’t just break because of personal experience. It breaks knowing their broken savage leadership through their marriage caused so much damage.

My heart broke because I saw the damage done to others. I trust the voice of God completely, and the husband to this couple couldn’t shake this truth like he tried. But he successfully shook the comprehension to Your Still Small Voice for so many others. You have Chosen walking around hurt, lost, and confused because of his misguiding leadership. Now he’s in the place I worship to spread more poison? I’m praying for his alignment, and all you tell me God is it won’t happen again. That’s hard to believe considering the damage you and I both know he did God. I’m so surprised that you have me scribing my lines so clearly about how I feel. I feel so naked and exposed. I’m fearful of being so naked and so exposed. That’s why I like when you let me live in my rhyming parable lines. Not this time I supposed, because you have a message for more eyes than the ones that comprehend my scribing lines. 

People are afraid to speak up at my old church. That’s why there’s so much silent hurt. People are afraid to call out the godly truth, when presented with diluted solutions. People are afraid to biblically reference Your Holy Proof. People sing in hidden stings in a building that now struggles to have godly wings. People are afraid to challenge misguided leadership, because they don’t want to be cast out like a biblical “you can’t be spiritually weird” vessel such as Noah in the Bible, or Jonah who tried hiding in the belly of a whale to avoid the calling he couldn’t avoid. People are afraid to be biblically radical and brave. 

People swallow hallow fouls, of mutant lukewarm salutes, to allow silent oppression. Biblical leadership is supposed to be aligned by the design of the Holy Bible. It’s the fine print and blueprint. If leadership is not biblical then there’s mixture in the midst of guidance. Only the Holy Spirit should lead the words for all humanity not emotional control. Emotional control is a popular patrol that sadly unfolds all too often. It’s a god complex forgetting God’s Begotten. Silent Oppression is a disconnection to the sensitivity, which is the protective key to be Holy in the Spirit of God. Repentance is acceptance, and opening to God’s showing why biblical confessions is humanity’s mess to be godly messages. There’s no shame in biblical gain. Biblical Confessions are freedom and clarity in charity, which is godly love. Godly love is found bound from Above to be tucked safely under His Wings. When we reveal what’s been concealed God heals our painful stings. Only through God can our pain ever have gain, and never be in vain. 

The sensitivity to the Holy Spirit is designed to have all that’s aligned to be set free faithfully and biblically. The Holy Spirit is not supposed to grieve for fear of speaking, that’s bullying and bullying isn’t of God. That’s what my old church does, creates a space to be afraid to speak, and Chosen grow weak spiritually. That’s not godly or biblical. Fear is not of God. That building grew to be about image, routines, and control. Many ministries are filled with isolated tees. The Holy Spirit is not about image, routines, control, or isolated tees. Isolation leads to segregation. Dr. Martin Luther King wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Katherine G. Johnson wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Mary Vaughan wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Mary Jackson wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. John F. Kennedy Jr. wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. Marylin Monroe wasn’t afraid to ruffle feathers. There are so many more American Historical leaders who are bold believers that defend truth like this amazing crew.

Abram in the Bible wasn’t afraid to speak up. Queen Esther in the Bible wasn’t afraid to speak up. Noah in the Bible wasn’t afraid to speak up. Hannah, Samuel’s mother in the Bible wasn’t afraid to be on her knees aggressively speaking to God on how she felt. Moses in the Bible had his bubble popped that forever changed his walk, and he became bold to no longer be a slave to fear. There’s so many real life heroes from American History, and biblically that I choose to use as my key to being set free faithfully. I’m not afraid to speak up anymore. I’m not afraid to ruffle feathers anymore. I “lost” everything and gained clarity in biblical charity finally. I have a voice to ruffle feathers, and challenge incorrect authority that doesn’t align with the Holy Bible. God I will do what I’m called to do. I’m ready. My silence hurts enough. I won’t be afraid, and I won’t lose in the ruse of fear anymore.

What’s done in the dark comes to Light.

We are called to be sparks in the dark.

We are called to shed the Light of Christ.

We are called to speak on what’s not right. 

There’s a lot that’s not right roaming the nights of plight and strife in this earthbound life. It’s time we stop acting like that’s not a truth we as a humanity can change. Change happens when we rise up. Change happens when we speak up. 

My prayer for the planet.

May the souls on this planet listen with an extra layer to their prayers tonight. 

May the souls on this planet cry out to you oh Heavenly Father as the only compass home.

May the souls on this planet push for appreciation in the overwhelming moments of any tough storm. 

May their eyes see your goodness and faithfulness Lord.

May they be open to see the blessings in disguise to what greatly pains them inside. 

May they never lose their praise in the rain.

May they fight with Your Might for the Light of Jesus Christ.

May you always send angelic reminders to your people that need the timely blessings.

May we always pause and be slow to anger.

May we get better together in unity for all humanity biblically, and faithfully to be set free in unity maturely being boldly not coldly.

May we one day see we are one body and multiple parts with beating hearts.

May all souls grow cold to the drone stone heart.

May all souls allow the final bow of their heart to become the beautiful mess of flesh.

May all souls understand your grace and mercy doesn’t judge thee nor forsake us to combust. 

May we know you own and protect our hearts.

May we stop feeding afraid, and the gear of fear, which is pride hiding lies. 

May humility be our key intuitively. 

May we boldly not coldly choose to wear the breastplate of faith and love.

May we boldly not coldly choose to wear the helmet of salvation.

May we boldly not coldly choose to put on the armor of God.

May we boldly not coldly wear the peace of God that surpasses all understanding.

May we all get better at mediating in the Holy Bible.

May we all choose the biblical blueprint as a reference in the deliverance of our hinderances and fine print acceptance.

Thank you Constant One.

Thank you King Jesus for the Cross of Calvary.

Love your lighter, fighter, and daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

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