forgive

she doesn’t know how to forgive him.

Jojo*: if you don’t forgive him 

you’ll have no direction. 

so then she’ll rewind time and stay blind. 

she wants to stay mad but misses him.

she’s miserable without him.

she knows she forgives him.

she loves him & will always love him.

she’s faux mad, and that anger does nothing. 

she forgave him the moment he hurt her.

she just didn’t want him to suffer.

she failed at blocking greeneye demise,

and all the toxic lies in this send of pretend. 

Yesterday was such an emotional eye opener that I’m still reeling from every revealing peel you Daddy made me feel. I lay down my “fix me complex.” I lay down my “I am supposed to bring every human that’s unsaved to the light.” This season is extremely humbling, which I desperately needed in my rumbling tumble. After yesterday I now understand your words “Be still,” on a whole new level. There was a lot going on yesterday at that workforce orientation. So many personalities tied as hostages to their many bondages, and the biggest one in the room was ego. Ego has no room for God to biblically move.

The woman that did the workforce orientation yesterday wasn’t welcoming at all. The woman’s brokenness pissed me off. Talking at people is not openness. Talking at people will never bring successful results. It’s already hard enough to lose everything in the scope of: one day having a job and a place to stay to becoming unemployed, and staying in a working shelter. 

It’s embarrassing. 

God says it’s releasing.

It’s decreasing.

God says it’s increasing Him.

It’s degrading. 

God says it’s humbling.

It’s depressing. 

God says it’s healing.

It’s isolating.

God says it’s intimacy in Him.

It’s hopelessness.

God says it’s renewal.

It’s distressing.

God says it’s freeing.

It’s compressing.

God says it’s confessing what’s distressing.

It’s traumatic.

God says it’s reviving in thriving with Him.

It’s triggering.

God says it’s delivering.

It’s conforming.

God says it’s transforming the mind.

This woman running the orientation with a closed off concept is hurtful. Talking at people isn’t support. It’s subordination. There’s no unity in subordination. There’s no community in subordination. There’s no godly in subordination. There’s only oppression and fleshly messes in subordination. That woman rubbed me all wrong yesterday, where I checked out from everything that she said. All I wanted to do was slap her cheap make-up off her face. All I wanted to do was tell her that her tacky ugly dress was unprofessional, and too tight. All I wanted to do was tell her that her baby blue pumps made her look like a cheap call girl. It’s hurtful as a woman, and someone who’s actually worked in several career settings, saw her example wasn’t what professionalism is. 

Maybe she’s not aware. This is me attempting to give her the benefit of the doubt. Financial hardship isn’t prison. Financial hardship doesn’t make humans criminals. That woman had no business talking to us like we were inmates with her as our only hope like she’s God. In reality she’s actually a broken woman playing in a facade limited to her ruses, and wanting to be a god. Hope is found bound in the Light of Jesus Christ. Faith is not by sight. Only the Light of Jesus Christ sparks all the dark of what’s not right hiding inside behind pride. Maybe I’m wrong Daddy, but that woman spoke to us in that room like we were convicted felons with no options of a second chance. God I choose to feed the layers of prayers for this woman, and lift her up so she can no longer be strong in this sinful hiccup. 

missing her he made her ignore all the ungodly 

that talking to a woman was hiding by lies inside.

that make her stake, and fake break her inside 

to her blinding crimes. her slums in her sins

spins in tailspins, and she’s not winning.

that conversation of lonely made that woman

create a delusional space that’s ungodly, 

and not a biblical place in His Race.

she saw that her lonely made the woman 

conjure a no chance romance mentally.

she realized that she aggressively needs 

to let go and let God lead this show.

that woman’s mental switch was a gift

that let her know it’s time to let go,

and let God pull her weeds that bleed brokenly.

she let go of her pride that made her die.

she loves her he that God says is for her.

he + He + her she receives is God’s Stir.

she forgives herself and all her blunders.

I had a dream about my brother that made me see a truth that in my head I made myself his mother. In the dream it started with a bedroom filled with pink walls in a school. My brother asked me to print him six pages and I said no. Then I eventually said yes, and told him “I’ll print him twenty copies.” But then my brother said “I don’t need that much.” So I replied okay, “I’ll make ten.” Before I went to make my brother’s copies, a grey cat came on the bed and took the stuffed cat I made from scratch. I called my father, which felt foreign and when he came, I said to myself “he doesn’t belong in my space.” And I also told myself “I don’t need him anymore. I need only my ribcage.” 

Then I left the room, and I went outside to see this couple that I see on social media in real life. This was the weirdest part of the dream. They were in a small dirty white dated sedan. There was a woman in the driver’s seat, and the married couple I see on social media sharing the passenger’s seat. The word affair popped up in my head, and I told God “no. I don’t want to know. I don’t care.” And of course God ignored me. I continued to pick up supernaturally the wife was being deceived by the husband, and the woman in the driver’s seat was involved with this deceit. I immediately went back inside. Then this red headed woman said “I need a teacher.” or “I need to reach you.” It’s unclear if she said both, or one in her head and one out loud. I picked up both. I said “no we are closed,” and I locked her out the school that had the bedroom with the pink walls, where I first saw my brother. I went back to that room, and my brother was gone. My ribcage was there and I felt safe. In my dreams only Jojo, and my ribcage make me feel safe. Jojo wasn’t in this dream but my ribcage was. 

My brother doesn’t make me feel unsafe but I don’t feel protected with my brother. I feel like I have to protect him, because of the fact I made myself his mother in my head. I approached my ribcage and sat next to him, and someone came in the room, which I felt distress about but I looked at my ribcage, and I felt safe again. Then I woke up. When I woke up, Jojo called me or I called her, I cannot recall. And I told her the dream, and she asked me if I prayed on it. And I said “no I did not. I don’t want to pray on this.” I wasn’t excited about that question. And then she told me to pray and I did. Then you Daddy told me that this dream is about my freedom from my family. You Daddy also told me I let my brother go, that I’m ready for my ribcage, and that he knows I’m ready. Then you told me he’s listening intently on when to move. 

Daddy I connected a lot supernaturally as a child that I wanted to protect my brother from walking. I knew I’d bounce back from any setback or satanic attacks. I always knew my strength came from you Daddy. But I couldn’t stop my brother from walking his testimony. That’s why I was so mad my mother successfully stopped my brother from breaking free when he was in California. I saw his set up. But my mother dangled a lie of money in his face, and he came back to New York. My brother wasn’t ready to be set free. My brother didn’t understand California was an out. My brother didn’t want to understand. At least he’s saved so that means the Holy Spirit dwells in him. That means my mothers grip on him will soon end. I just want my ribcage to come already. I do forgive my ribcage. I do miss my ribcage. I do love my ribcage. I do want my ribcage. I don’t care about the past. It’s over. It helped my ribcage become the amazing man he’s called to be with me. So I just say yes, and I patiently impatiently wait for my ribcage.

I pray he forgives me. 

I pray we always go to you 

to be three strands biblically and intuitively. 

I pray that our pending union 

is edifying your Kingdom always. 

I pray that we always bring out the best 

in each other and that we go harder in you God. 

I pray that we never lose our wonder.

I pray we never stop praising: shine or rain.

I pray that we challenge each other 

for biblical gains and walk through pains 

being better together godly and in unity. 

I pray we walk in love biblically.

I pray we lead as a three strand ministry.

I pray we Obey in Today effortlessly.

I pray we never lose our way.

I pray we always fix our eyes on Jesus Christ.

I pray we are Lights to what’s not right.

I pray our purity remains Holy securely.

I pray I’m always respectful and submissive.

I pray I’m always an addition to his calling.

I pray I make him better than the yesterday’s.

I pray I inspire him to always obey Your Way.

I pray for strength to wait for Your Timing

in our pending aligning as Your Biblical Design.

Thank you King of Kings.

Love your daughter, lighter and fighter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

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