church

I love water.

I can’t swim.

Water makes me breathe with ease faithfully.

I love sounds of organic nature as I listen closely.

Musically, I feel free to connect to God’s Holy.

I fight in the Light of Jesus Christ.

I took this picture in the park today. I’m growing a deeper interest in capturing God’s artistry. God is the greatest artist ever. Today was an interesting day. I dreamt about my father last night. In the dream, my father was yelling uncomprehending words in a hallway. That wasn’t even the weirdest part of the dream. Someone I couldn’t see, kept sprinkling water on me. It was pissing me off. The water sprinkling on me reminded me of Catholic Church stuff growing up. I always had issues with Catholic Church stuff growing up. I always challenged the nuns and priests growing up, and I always got in trouble for wanting biblical answers instead of the manmade answers, I got growing up that never matched the Holy Bible. Catholic Church made me feel weird, like something was wrong with me to only trust biblically aligned counsel. 

There’s a lot not right in my life,

but I crawl through my pitfalls to give my all.

I don’t sniff the riffs, or whiffs of kool-aid and 

cheap lemonade, because I’m Jesus’ Renegade.

I don’t play in the decay’s of empty confetti

by my lies that made me die inside, through 

my misguided pride that multiplied strife nights.

Since I was a child I’ve struggled on what the biblical expectation on what exactly is church supposed to be, verses what’s present reality scenes. Biblically, we are the church and Jesus Christ died for the church: the body. That’s why I love communion so much, it’s a timely reminder of why the Cross of Calvary can set all of us free. In my dream instead of being angry at the shadow human I couldn’t see, who was sprinkling water on me, I started saying “Jesus is Lord,” over and over again. I didn’t get why I was saying that. I didn’t pray on the dream. I don’t really want to talk to you God right now. I thought the dream was stupid. I think a lot of things are stupid lately. I didn’t want to be in the dream. Whatever you God wanted me to see, or walk through I wasn’t interested. I’m over a lot. Shortly after my expressed disinterest I woke up. 

So I let go of what I know.

I’ll never look back where I’ll get attacks in satanic setbacks.

My setups are hues that make me feel blue,

but they’re biblical truth in supernatural proof.

I’m no longer stronger in my throng of aloof.

I refuse to stand in carnal flesh quicksand.

I’m tired of hearing about that man, 

who I see as scary hurtful quicksand.

I didn’t do any of my bible studies today. I’m usually annoyingly optimistic when I do my studies, verses sounding like the struggling brat I’m coming off as now when I don’t do my studies. I do see the correlation. God I’m open, hold me accountable to get over myself in this area too. Amen. This morning I called my dad and it was nice catching up with him. Since everything happened almost two months ago, and my life completely changed. I haven’t spoken to my parents (or brother) in about five weeks. I needed that distance, and I see that they did as well. 

He played god and did this to himself.

He delayed a lot in his selfish boycott.

I’m over this patience space, because 

he paused the cause of giving God his all.

He didn’t want to be called to conquer pitfalls.

So why am I being blocked because he stopped his clock?

How’s that fair to answer his layers of prayers?

What happened to rewarding obedience

not this allegiance to sinful splinting sinning?

He’s in a tailspin shaking in his faking making.

I don’t want to hear what you God say is here.

I’m cool with seeing he’s a tooled fool.

He conquered his gold and forgot his soul.

What he did has nothing to do with me?

You blessed me to flee completely from his toxicity.

I’m separated from the jeopardy in his leprosy.

I just want this job so I can kickoff my payoff.

I like my space the way it is. It’s safe and too late.

The isolation spirit really wants to chokehold me as a hostage in that suffocating bondage. I don’t think it’s a bad thing, since people are hard to deal with. I’m a people, and I’m hard to deal with. I’m a lot to myself. I get over myself every second of the day. I have no patience for myself. So I also get over God, and the rest of his creation too. I have little patience for God, or his creation too. I’m quick to walk away. This includes one of my favorite human’s: my bestie Jojo,* in fact we got into a really nasty fight today. Truths came out we were both avoiding, and sharpening happened that we weren’t interested in. Thank God for accountability, it sets both of us free faithfully.

Marriage became a savage in the barbarity of popularity.

I’ll stay single without the carnal flesh mingle.

I’m done with no fun in the sun.

I’m done with looking back to be zapped as salt.

I’m called to be the salt of the earth not dirt.

That man chose dirt that now hurts in no worth.

I’m no longer lost but found by love 

bound from Above as I sing in God’s Wings.

I refuse to let a man make me sting in wrong rings.

Stay over there in faux zen through that lion’s den.

I comprehend that money is your first honey.

Message received I believe, and got to flee from misery.

There’s no forgiveness in impatience.

I don’t know how to let go, and go with the flow.

Seeing my dad today showed me he’s also fighting to be healthy. This hardship is a blessing in disguise. I pray that next Monday is the start to my new life. Only you know God. I just say yes to whatever it is that you have next for me God. I let go of my patrol in my struggling control. It’s harder and harder to wrestle with you God. The rumbling in my tumbling is fumbling my space that you cleansed from disgrace. So show me and grow me from being hardheaded in the promptings you won’t stop being loud about. Despite my frustrations I have no hesitations to my supernatural allegiance to obedience. Your Way will always trump my way God.

I love you my King.

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy

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