she loves the sun.

she sees the Cross of Calvary 

in the beautiful rays that make her Obey. 

she loves the sea,

because the sea makes her happy.

happiness is God’s peace to breathe with ease.

I took this picture as soon as the sun came out, earlier this afternoon. I really love people watching. There’s so much that happens in people watching. Yesterday, I was in Columbus circle not interested in people watching at the moment, but I needed to charge my phone. I went to a restroom that doesn’t get much traffic. Sometimes I need less traffic, and I like being by myself if I’m not with Jojo.* I think it’s safer to be by myself. After everything I’ve been through the last few years, especially the last three months, I’m weary to have people in my space outside of Jojo. My solution to not fully isolating myself is people watching.

leaping with God is not what she expected to be.

she knows nothing.

she controls nothing.

she cannot lean on her gifts.

all she has is God’s supernatural forward movements.

she’s moving moment to moment. 

People watching also feeds my nosiness, but most importantly it’s a space where I don’t have to feel emotions. I really don’t like feeling emotions. I don’t like facing how I feel at all. I don’t like talking. I don’t like a lot of things. I just want to be by myself in a bubble. But my bubbles keep getting popped by God, and it’s so annoying. God is annoying. I love God so much, and I know I wouldn’t be alive today if it wasn’t for God. Facing how I feel is hard. Facing what I’ve swallowed is hard. I swallowed a lot. There’s a lot I’m having a hard time with, and this unavoidable space of talking actually frees me. I finally admitted connections from last summer, that deeply affected me tonight when I was on the phone with Jojo.

she doesn’t understand why it’s still about that man.

everything shouldn’t be about him.

he played god, and his facade caused delays.

his delays caused deaths because he said no.

our life is not our own. yeses blesses others.

he wanted gold, 

he said screw his soul, 

dead bodies are cold because he wasn’t bold. 

last summer many brothers died and he lied.

God has me in a moment to moment season, where I don’t know what is coming next. I really like knowing what’s going on, especially with those around me so I’m prepared. There’s a sense of preparation that I believe that I need. No one can come for me if I’m prepared. I won’t be blindsided. I’m tired of being blindsided. I won’t let that happen ever again. Today Philando Castile’s murderer got acquitted. I didn’t want to go back to that unhealthy space I was in last summer. I really tried not to be affected by this again. I’m tired of being affected. I’m tired of being tired.

money is the honey that made him act funny, 

and now God is telling me who’s the she 

that things are different and he’s free!?

I don’t know if I care. his lies were destructive. 

his lies changed my perspective. 

his lies made me weary and selective.

his lies increased my isolating beast.

his lies made me want to flee indefinitely.

his lies also made me run to Jesus Christ & fight.

so when God says he’s coming, I’m running.

how can that be? he played a dangerous game 

of Russian Roulette by tailspinning in sinning.

As a black woman with a black father, and black brothers this felt personal. And it took me back to the Bible. The Bible tells me my life isn’t my own. The Bible teaches me that my yes is attached to so many yeses behind me. What if I said no? Does that mean death is attached to that selfish decision? A death like Philando Castile? If life is attached to saying yes then does that mean death is attached to saying no? How many no’s are walking around on this planet with deaths attached to that decision? I’m tired of saying I’m angry about the injustice going on. Anger is blinding. I’m tired of crying over seeing senseless deaths. My tears bring no one back. When will it hurt enough for humanity to finally say yes to their purpose, instead of chasing the rat race ditch of popularity??? I’m tired of lies. I’m tired of lukewarm. I’m tired of shortcuts. I’m tired of acquitted murders. I’m tired of being tired.

she meditates daily on her bible and prays.

she colors in her bible and sustains. 

she’s struggling with God’s dismantling ways. 

she’s happy to be removed from that man’s quicksand.

she doesn’t like how this all looks.

she’s not the author of this transforming book. 

God is writing away her old habits and decays.

she has no say and that’s not okay.

Of course God doesn’t agree with me knowing something to be prepared, which is what my current story: losing in my wrestle with God. That’s been my life since March 16, 2017. On that day, I *resigned* from a position I hated, because the founders created an unhealthy working space. As someone that loves kids, I found that to be such a disgrace. I loved my kids, but loving them wasn’t enough to keep my peace. I lost my peace. I needed to breathe with ease, and I stopped breathing in that job since the 2016 election. Plus, I knew Jojo and I were going to be pulled out. God showed me that some time in late 2015. I was waiting on the sidelines on how exactly it was going to look. I had to walk through it instead of knowing in advance.

she’s tired of seeing jealousy.

she’s tired of people wanting to be around her.

they’re all wanting her space for the wrong reasons. 

that’s what her past experiences entailed. 

no one has pure intentions anymore. 

she’s tired of being on guard.

no one tells the truth anymore.

no one wants biblical love or unity.

this world is so cold, divided, and ugly.

she just wants to pray, and obey God.

she doesn’t have a choice but to let go 

of what she knows and lose all control.

I always wanted to live on the upper west side of Manhattan. I never thought I would be living there as an unemployed homeless woman in a shelter. April 17, 2017, my parents lost the space they called home for thirty years. Initially it was shocking, and I wasn’t feeling much, but I knew it hurt enough to not give up. I was on an adrenaline high. But the grace of God was walking with me all this time. I never knew I was capable of being the woman I am today. That’s all God. On one hand, I see the beautiful mysteries of God, and how he covers me. On the other hand I see injustice like Philando Castile, and I get so hurt that senseless deaths are being done.

some of the darkest journeys 

lead to the brightest lights. 

the Light of Jesus Christ is the fight 

that he died on the Cross of Calvary, 

to truly set everyone free in unity faithfully.

biblically Emmanuel God with us 

sat with sinners.

biblically Emmanuel God with us

did not stay with righteous winners.

biblically Emmanuel God with us

operated as a triage on that Cross,

so the sting of death left & we are now blessed.

three days later Emmanuel rose greater, 

and alive because death was beaten in flesh.

I go to the Bible, because that’s the only blueprint that I trust regardless if I’m angry at God or not. Everything has a purpose, I truly see that with the Bible, so that means Philando Castile’s senseless death not only has a purpose, but this man that took his life getting acquitted has a purpose as well. Is it easy for me to say that as a Christian black woman? Of course not, but my best friend Jojo said some powerful sound words tonight, she said “We don’t know if this is the only way that pushes people to be on their knees crying out to God, as hard as this is for me to say this, but we don’t know if this is how God gets everyone’s attention. People are already changing, and going to God because of who’s currently in office. God is moving. And we don’t like how it looks.” She’s right I’m tired of things looking messy like the book of Exodus.

I’m tired of feeling so hurt that blatant sin 

is occupying the minds stuck in rewinded time. 

I’m tired that repentance is an unwelcome acceptance. 

I’m tired of seeing what I thought I never would see:

this so called man is different and coming to me.

I’m tired of division.

I’m not tired of rising from my pitfalls.

I’m not tired of trusting God above all else.

God as hard as this is, I lay this all down. I give you my tired. I give you my tears. I give you my struggles. You never left me God. You never will leave me God. So I’ll claw my way to your Obey, even though this is so challenging to wrap my brain around. I would rather be tired safely in your wings than away from you God. This is hard for me, but I only trust you with my tired God. You’ll make a way Lord. You have it all. Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven God.

Thank you King.

Love your daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #teamproprivacy


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