despotism 

athlete 

apprehensive 

aggressive

concerned

competitive 

compassionate 

passionate 

unapologetic 

unpopular 

humbled 

frustrated 

fatigued 

intrigued 

lover

warrior

fighter 

lighter

protective 

submissive

servant 

released

displeased 

uneasy

frantic

dramatic 

charismatic

flirtatious 

gregarious 

obnoxious  

hothead 

free

eccentric 

empty

leader 

ready 

visionary 

creator

illustrator 

writer 

faithful 

revived

survived 

transparent 

thinker

sinker

floater 

bolder

older 

follower of Immanuel God with us 

she’s all these entities and more… 

she’s detoxing from the monstrosities of 

generational curses and courses of her family. 

family is a loaded word to her. 

DNA can be abused and misconstrued. 

genetics is generic, and was fused in ruses

of inclusive conclusive delusion seclusions. 

her father leveraged soft tonalities. 

her mother leveraged needing security. 

she learned and discerned in time 

all of her desires were wired and conspired. 

she’s so tired of manipulation and stipulations. 

she’s so tired of the cloning molasses of status. 

molasses is a decompensation of glucose.

status is a decompensation of alienation 

from the Holy Trinity and protective divinity.

status is the displaced chase in popularity.

she’s so tired of the despotism of popularity.

popularity is an audacity to walk in vulgarity.

popularity is a lame lane by layers of shame.

pride is the misguide that hides lies inside.

Immanuel God with us on earth was unpopular.

Immanuel God with us on earth was humble.

Immanuel God with us on earth was faithful.

Immanuel God with us on earth died to revive.

Immanuel God with us rose again from 

slums of sins by the lion’s den to no longer win. 

Immanuel God with us on earth became 

all shame and was stretched to be 

the wreckage where humans perished 

who’s God’s original cherished. 

Immanuel God with us on earth came back 

from the satanic attacks of brokenness.

Immanuel God with us on earth reversed 

the curse in The Garden of Eden.

The veil was torn so we humans can be reborn.

all conditions have positions with religions.

there’s a difference between the hinderance 

of ungodly popularity and biblically set free.

Immanuel God with us on earth had twelve 

pair of eyes that were called to conquer pitfalls.

one pair of eyes died to fear and perished

because those eyes lost the prize of Christ.

Jesus died for biblical freedom not the drone

cloning allegiance to salted ungodly popularity.

she used to write the strife scribes to her he.

she stopped leaping in faith because of sight.

today was an obey to resume lovingly to her he

and rising above scribing lines hiding inside.

she walked through her misguided pride of lies.

she talked through the hue her he is still true.

despite all not looking right, she fights in light.

despite the discomfort of sparked dark,

she delights in what’s right: biblically set free.

Pray

Survive 

Wait

she chooses to lose boldly not coldly 

for all humanity to see community in unity

biblically and faithfully. her obedience is key.

her obedience is bigger than her 

because he + He + her equals God’s Stir.

Immanuel God with us on earth was unpopular.

Immanuel God with us on earth was humble.

Immanuel God with us on earth was faithful.

Immanuel God with us on earth died to revive.

she says yes to seeing like the Light of Christ:

Immanuel God with us on earth.

Thank you King.

she won’t glance back.

she remains unsalted.

Love your daughter.

 

Majestic

2 Samuel 7:18-29

The faithfulness of God!! Oh my goodness! It dwells so strongly in us as Your chosen. Wow this is so powerful. I’m overwhelmed. Dad, you are so powerful. You are so majestic and just take my breath away. You make me swoon Dad. You make my heart skip beats like you created that rhythmic song just for me. I can’t get enough of your romance. Be still my heart. 

Even with the swooning romance, we easily get caught up in routined moments of everyday life, quickly making us forget Your majestic being, when life feels mundane and ordinary. As if tangibility is our only scope. That’s the furthest from the truth. Oh man, there needs to be a sense of higher urgency, to claw our way to Your majestic presence. 

For where You dwell, not only is Your power there, but Your truth is as well. Dad you so powerfully loves us, and it’s beyond our wildest dreams. Staying abided in His vein is so crucial saints. The world and the worlds helpers, are so easily disguised, that it’s more terrifying than most lead on. That needs to end. The downplaying of warfare needs to end. 

David downplayed nothing. David is a guy after God’s heart: absurdly obedient and truly focused on His voice, regardless of what David saw, or felt. There is not enough of this practice!! David remained steadfast in God, so God remained steadfast in him. David never tried to glamorize the struggles, nor did he hide in his inequities. He boldly cried out to His Heavenly Father about his pain and struggles. God always covered him, and that’s when miracles happened. 

Are we not obedient enough Dad? What do we need to do to get out of your way?? What do we need to let go of to be this faithful? Jesus, it’s so beautiful! Your majesty makes my heart feel as if it will burst of such love. Can a human feel this much? It’s a blessing and a shock I wake up every morning because I just grow more in love with you Dad. Then my heart gets more sensitive for Your people, then I see more, then I hurt more. And then I just feed my anger instead of staying on my knees like David did. But how you blessed me Dad last night at prayer band. So majestic and I’m still reeling from that blessing. 

Everything I cry about to you in the shower, almost everyday, you used your daughter last night to pray about it out loud. Because I was so convinced I only saw the flatlined complacency our people fell prey to. There’s such a dire triage of revival we so desperately need. It breaks my heart. And makes me so mad. I try so hard to stop caring but then you bless me with moments like last night. So my faith was revived. I can’t stop praying and you keep showing me that, biblically and through prayer. So keep breaking me Dad. Keep molding me, exactly where you need me. 

You showed David so many promises. And it was years before he saw them all, if he even did see them all. There’s so many great men, all throughout our blueprint bible. There’s such a terrifying misconception about Old Testament…. Yes it’s not our New Testament, because we are the living breathing New Testament. But the Old Testament has more absurdly obedient vessels, besides Paul. That’s a truth we must pay attention to, like David, Elisha, Samuel, Jeremiah, Ezekiel, and so many others. 

Before I got serious about keeping my knees to the ground, and my eyes fixed on you Dad, I was one of those chosen that dismissed the Old Testament as well. “Because it’s not new times,” or “because it happened over 2,000 years, that’s different, things like that no longer happen.” How did so many of us fall into such a terrifying ignorance? 

You didn’t change, so Your power or what You’re capable of didn’t change either. This level of obedience can dwell in any one of us in modern times. We just have to be bold enough to fight to remain steadfast. Is it easy? Heck no, David stuck out like a sore thumb. Who the heck wants to do that?? Especially without “proof,” but proof isn’t faith. Proof is tangibility. So many of us, without even realizing it, feel (not fall, we feel) into the trap of making faith tangible. That’s where pretty Christianity comes in, and glamorizing warfare. 

But David didn’t care about pretty Christianity, nor did he care about glamorizing this faith based commitment, just because of unpredictable feelings. You told him to jump Dad, he said how high. And jumped. How many of Your chosen today are on that faith base commitment? From what I see, not enough. What I see is feeling based commitment. It’s terrifying because your nonbelievers hurt the most. 

That’s what burdens my heart, and gets me so angry Dad. But You seem to want to use my anger for Your glory, like you used David’s faithfulness in prayer for Yours. That’s how You get magnified and that’s how You’re able to make miracles happen like this house. 

Like the destruction of Goliath. 

Like the resurrection of Jesus, through the same Holy Spirit that dwells in us. 

This truth is a truth that’s so downplayed, which also annoys me. And makes me see red. Again Dad, you’re using that too. So use away Papa. I’m no longer afraid to be where you boldly need me to dwell. This life is about Your people, not my hurt or anger. It’s so much bigger. Your troubled souls need to know the truth and truly walk in Your vein. 

We need a rising of David like faith. That’s why Jesus our personal Savior, Your son that you willingly sacrificed is a descendent of all these great obedient men, like David… The same David the world dismissed. Good, dismiss me world, then I’m doing what needs to be done. Your chosen don’t seem to grasp if the world welcomes you, then you’re doing something terribly wrong. That’s a deeper meaning too Dad. Everything is a deeper meaning with You. 

Faith based belief, and all these examples are for us, to carry close to our heart. So that we can remember Your truth always, especially in troubled moments. And boldly walk in your purpose for us. Miracles and blessings are for You, not us. There are for Your lost, confused and broken. David understood his true triage, and trajectory to execute God’s will. It’s time we walk in the same truth and focus on what truly needs to be done. 

No more pretenses or glamorizing the calamity of what it means not to be obedient. We don’t suffer as much as Your people do. Blessings and miracles can’t happen if we are not walking how You need us to walk. Keep shaking us Dad. Keep ruffling our feathers. Keep breaking our hearts until it’s enough to be all in. No more pretty Christianity and no more glamorizing. I love you Constant One.

Prayer: May you break our hearts Dad, make it so suffocatingly impossible to feed our flesh ever again. Make Your boldness be our new skin. Make the old wine skin burst as we continue to attempt to fit new wine in old skin. Keep making that impossible. You are possible Dad, and only Your ways. Destroy it God. Break the flesh God, may we be so repulsed by our ways that the reeking makes us tap out, and say we surrender. May we finally be spit out our whale. Make your tsunami sized revival, be so massive that we rapidly become linked together. And your nonbelievers become one with us. Like Philippia, like Corinthians, like your precious beautiful Israelites that you saved from Egypt. May you rise Sauls to be transformed into Pauls. And may you continue to test us, mold us, so that your truth is told through us. Thank you Constant One, thank you for breath, thank you for Your majestic love. Thank you for Your grace. Thank you for the gift of new mercies everyday. Thank you for being the most romantic love of our life. We praise you King. Always and forever smitten by You, love Your chosen. 

Horde

Horde is an interesting association and correlation to your homosapiens Abba. It’s actually a perfect word to connect your children. Despite what’s currently occurring in the world, and all the heartbreaking circumstances; you sent Jesus to die for all of us and that makes us all yours no matter what is transpiring.

Your horde is an uncontrolled throng. That’s why there’s so much chaos and confusion going on. You’re not a God of confusion just order. Therefore many of your children don’t know they are walking around with scales on their eyes not clinging to you; but the sky’s the limit to the worlds well hidden tricks. They come in all sizes and forms.

A good deed during vulnerable moments for a man are crucial times. It can be anything like helping the man get to a goal like winning a contest or helping someone get promoted in a job. It can cloud a mans judgement especially if it’s a woman helping them and by their side during these midnight hour moments. The horde around you may or may not have good intentions.

Always check the motives behind the person helping you. And always use discernment when you hear the answer. Only the spirit gives you truth not your misleading emotions. Because: If we’re not chasing you Abba then we are chasing an idol and idols are of the world. Idols answer in an idol way. It may take a while to discern the distinction; the fact of the matter is a liar runs out of tricks. Ask Satan. Satan moves from horde to horde because his limited affects always runs out.

That’s how I was able to break away from Anderson* you saw I wasn’t budging with Edward* so you removed him. The company you keep always speaks incredibly loud through actions. Actions are consistent even if the words are all over the place and clouded with a season of backsliding fornication. Edward “was my husband” for three or four years can’t remember anymore because I’m no longer that broken girl. I can only speak as a woman but when a woman builds a dynamic with a man and then has sex with him an attachment occurs.

My beautiful scientists have realized why women get attached to men more then men get attached to women. We release a hormone from our brain: endorphins and they feel somehow in our mind that the hormone went to the guy we had sex with; so we develop this nurturing and possessive quality that makes us think the man is ours. I thought this was a stupid fact and I was partially determined to blow it out the water. So I did.

I had two one night stands because at this point sex became a means to an end. I’d pick up how much the guy wanted me which slightly stroked my ego but it wore off so quickly and the sex wasn’t even that great. I ignored the emptiness I felt.

The insane kicker was both these men wanted to make me their girlfriend one had money the other one didn’t. The one that had money wanted us to go to Paris for two weeks and said he’ll pay for my unpaid days at work. I looked at him like he was crazy and told him I wasn’t a call girl; and he informed me he didn’t see me like that. I’m a keeper. I was the best he ever had…. It was all nonsense to my ears. It pissed me off that he said I was a keeper because he didn’t know me so how does he know I’m a keeper? He got overbearing and I eventually had to change my number.

The other one was just so emotional about me ending it before it began. I thought I stepped into a twilight zone. He told me I was his best too I was like wow nobody of the world knows amazing sex. Because we aren’t supposed to that’s why; and only through God can everything be amazing. And aren’t women only supposed to act like this irrationally attached homosapien after sex?

That was all done without consulting you of course but you let me rock in my rebellious horde role because you’re using it for your glory now. You’re a genius Abba as if you didn’t know. I love you constant one. God will always win. Your daughters that struggle don’t have to experience or walk through what I did. It’s so unnecessary and we are more precious than gold to you. Plus you are the controller and we are your horde Abba. Not Satan’s, never was and never will be. His lies will eventually clear out. They did for me and you’re still clearing out because you love us all that much.

There was another guy named Jared* I mentioned him once I think in a far older post. I used to work with this guy on the job I meet Jojo;* we did door to door sales for two years. Jojo was convinced Jared was in love with me. You blocked me from seeing it and I understand why now. Jojo is right he wanted to get me at a vulnerable moment to swell me up with his babies. I never got why he’d always joke around with me being his wife one day or me being the mother of his children we never dated.

According to me, but apparently in his mind all the time we spent together was us building momentum to dating; and I missed the memo because he never told me. I thought he was being nice taking me to all those nice places. We never did anything he’d sometimes talk about my boobs because he admitted he was obsessed with them. I don’t get the hype I wanted a boob job and he talked me out of it because he said they were perfect.

Anderson wanted me to get a boob job though. He wanted my outside appearance to look how he wanted; and it made me so uncomfortable. I wasn’t being me. I forgot who I even was. Those intimate moments with Jared* I redirected. I would mention girls that I knew liked him to change the subject.

I didn’t get Jared’s attachment to me because we never did anything together. Jojo says it’s because I stuck by his side through thick and thin at the job and made sure he got promoted. All I did was see his potential and cared enough to push him there. That’s it. Wouldn’t any homosapien do that though?

I sized up the job and figured out what hindered him from getting promoted so I pushed him away from it. I submitted to him letting him think he was coaching me but I was just managing up. It’s a great tool I learned when I worked with those ridiculous lawyers for three years. God you use everything for your glory. I can’t believe Abba you made me teach Daniel how to manage up. I thought I was doing it for Elizabeth’s* sake but he does it to me too! He’s so smooth with it. Better than me. It’s annoying but I’m glad you planted him in my life and I have another amazing brother. Well played God.

Jared kept asking me what my motive for helping him was and I said I don’t have one. I just believed in him that’s it. I wanted to see him succeed because I didn’t see anyone else rooting for him. He didn’t know how to receive that and just got weird with his awkward jokes. I let him live. His mind got clouded in the sense he thought I was his wife. But deep down it just felt off. It felt off with every man including Edward, especially Edward. It doesn’t feel off with Harper* maybe that’s what scares me. How natural he feels like home. That’s scary and annoys me because he’s doing him. And you literally took away every man I attempted to remove Harper out of my heart. But he gets to do him?! Fine. I’ll just say yes, keep leading the way God.

When I was still determined to marry Edward, I thought it made sense to still continue; despite realizing the more times we were intimate the more it became harder to ignore the overcompensation and the deep rooted unhappiness. Edward started feeling like someone else’s husband and I tried fighting that feeling God.

Because it made me think about who’s with my husband now? How would my future husband feel knowing I was with Edward determined to marry him; and throw away any chance I had with the man God created me for? The man God created me to protect his heart because only I’m his rib. And any imitation will never do. If it didn’t work for me it won’t work for him. Something will always feel off. It can be ignored for so long. Then God steps in.

Being with Edward started feeling like I was suffocating because you were popping my bubbles left and right Abba. The horde I was determined to keep, you removed from my life. You always remove what’s not of you. If it doesn’t glorify you it’s eliminated from your children’s lives. Jojo has a theory and they’re usually spot on; that Anderson* went after me because he saw how Jared felt about me and he was jealous of him. I dismissed it because I thought it was ridiculous.

I never fully trusted Anderson suddenly befriending me though. But I dismissed it. I felt like I got sucked into a dark world wind because I remember never being attracted to him and saying heck no. But his play on words and him figuring out quality time is my love language reversed that no to a yes. Thank God you used that season for your glory.

Doing that sales job was the greatest learning tool of my life. I learned how to trust you God even when I wasn’t walking with you like I am now. God you showed me time and time again during that season you were with me. You used that experience for your glory to make me a better daughter for your kingdom.

It heightened that specific gift you keep growing which is great. At the time I didn’t know it was a gift. I just thought I was insane. Now I realize I’m not. And I’m not alone. Thank God. I’m grateful I have company and siblings that chase the supernatural like I do: Daniel*, Naomi* and even Jackson* have this gift. Jackson isn’t in my life right now so only you know Abba if he realizes what’s going on. He could think he’s crazy. Poor guy.

It was interesting breaking the news to Daniel* I still remember to this day his denial reaction as Naomi* and I were laughing at him. It’s not an accident the four of us have this gift nor is it an accident that 3 out of the 4 are close. You’re deliberate God. You deliberately make me write these posts. You’re deliberate with everything I do as you are with allowing everything that’s happening now with the rest of your children.

You may not approved of everything I did in the past but I see you using it for your glory now; and I understand with conviction you covered me when I had scales on my eyes rolling with the horde I did. That’s why you allowed those moments. You always knew your name would be magnified. Even my wrestle in resistance with Harper* is being used to magnify your name as I continue to walk under your wings of guidance.

Clinging to control is an idol. I am completely baffled by that reality check. My resistance in the Harper* area is control. I don’t like I don’t understand any of it. I can’t stand how it looks. Can’t stand how I feel about him because it’s not aligned with how I developed feelings or “loved a man in the past.” However you knew this God. And this is why I’m in this moment now. You need me to connect that my understanding of loving a man isn’t how you created me to love a man. Especially the man I was carved for. In the past I’ve loved men tangibly and superficially going off of what I see and know by doing.

You’re the embodiment of love. You don’t dwell in superficial or in the tangible. Sure you can enter anyone and tangibly use your children to minister but it occurs through the spirit and that’s supernatural. Therefore love can only be supernatural. And that’s beyond logic only understood as you baby spoon feed us by walking us through this journey. That means my preconceived hypothesis on love is invalid. I’m finally okay with that and accept this fully. I still say yes to being your idiot then being a genius of the world. This is a pit stop anyway.

I’m telling you with my actions you’re crazy and this Harper conundrum isn’t happening. Who am I to tell you that? You’re bigger than me, him and the one he’s with now. What you say goes. You will get your way. For all we know this son of yours is under the same ideology of love and basing it off of his understanding like I was. For all we know this son of yours is under the same understanding that Jared was because I just helped him get promoted. It’s not an accident that Harper walked through a similar experience I did with Jared and he’s now engaged. Because I stuck by Jared’s side that equaled wedding bells for him. I knew I wasn’t his.

Every time I asked Jared did you ask God to guide you on what you need in a wife not what you want?? He always looked at me like I was an alien. Jared was tangible with me and didn’t consult God through discernment. Jared thought we were going to get married based off of what he knew and what he wanted not what he needed. Harper is doing the same thing isn’t he God?

I always knew we weren’t for each other, because the day I meet him I told him he was going to marry a white woman and he was mad. I was weirded out I blurted that out to him. But guess what? He’s married to a white woman now. And they have a beautiful baby. And he’s happy. He looks happy. Praise God. Jojo made me stop talking him. I see why that was necessary for his walk and mine. Thank you Jojo.* His wife or baby would’ve  kept being delayed. It was always her and never me.

Now I repent. I’m crazy for not remembering how big you are. I also repent for being a brat with these back to back posts you birth through me because they are bigger than me regardless how I feel. I say yes. Your will be done.

I’d like to believe I’m retiring my brat cloak but I’m still unsure so keep baring with me Abba. Your definition of idolatry is putting something or someone above you. Attempting this control in the Harper area is above you when it comes to me so that means that it’s an idol. Not he’s an idol because you kept dismissing me telling you that’s how I tried categorizing him. That’s what I had him as for so long because I was trying to control and make sense over an area of my journey you’re still working out. Proceed, I’m stepping to the side now. Thank you for being determined to strip this delusion of control from me. We are the throng that you control and always will. Thank you for loving your horde so much Abba.

I love you. Happy gobble day world.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Grace

Grace is the biggest quality I lack in myself. You’re making that extremely clear God. Especially after Monday night. That meeting with Anabelle* was everything I needed and more. I was hanging on a thread leaving work and walking to my church crying and talking to you. So mad at you and feeling so guilty that I’m mad because I know better.

And then you blew my mind once again and used Anabelle to minister to me. She made me realize that my testimony is extremely unique and I looked at her like she’s not talking about me right God? Well she was. She made it very clear that even though God decides to accelerate teachings in me that most Christians take years to understand, I still need grace for myself because he didn’t accelerate everything. I felt a lightbulb go on God after she said that and it makes so much sense why I think it’s nuts I still feel so extremely close to you when I experience my tantrums. Grace.

Like Jojo* said the other night. I tried it. I’m trying to outwit you God by being a brat, ranting and not being in the word so that you stop giving me the revelations that make no sense. You win again, I humbly lose. You’re the greatest person to lose to anyway. During my meeting with Anabelle*, I felt you place on my heart this was a blog as well. And I would have to open up and realize truths I had no desire to deal with. So of course I avoided this moment as long as possible.

Like my eating disorder that I thought “I got rid of” what a joke right? Oh how you cover me Abba. I was so mad that you had me blurt out a secret to Naomi* that no one knew about. Like ever, no human God and you knew this which is why you’re shedding me to open up about it all up on this exposure r us tip you have me on lately. This nakedness is so real. Like all other roles you have me in, this moment is bigger than me.

I didn’t realize everything that’s been going on around me was affecting me so deeply emotionally. Sometimes I don’t even recognize the ways I try to self harm myself or shut down until you take over God. And I’m so grateful that you’ll always be bigger. It’s not an accident that Naomi* and I have identical struggles nor is it an accident that you’ve made us as close as we are. She’s my sister for life the same way Jojo* is; and that was a process. Maybe one day I’ll write about that too, until then I’ll let go as you guide me through the journey of grace.

I didn’t make the connection until it was discussed with Naomi that I use gum to cut my appetite so it can kick start my disorder. This is hard because I don’t believe I’ve ever admitted that I had this problem to such severity. I’ve always brushed it off and laughed it off but you’re really shedding me. There must be some amazing blessings around the corner. That’s something I’m looking forward to but until the meantime I’ll keep fighting in this war to choose you. And I pray this blesses the children you intend this to bless.

Admitting that to Naomi* and connecting that’s how it starts shocked me. I never made the connection as to how I’d be able to blow up and and shrink so fast with anorexia and over eating, like it never made sense until Monday night. You used both Jojo and Naomi that night to put it in my face so I can surrender this and give it to you. Okay so this is me giving it to you God and trusting that you’ll see me through this because I’m clearly not past it. Triggers are everywhere that are beyond Harper*

I miss my cousin.

I miss my uncle.

I miss my grandmother so so much.

That woman was my rock. My uncle was an original Guyanese OG that just made everything look so cool and so worth fighting for. But you took all these people away from me. One on my birthday. And I’m still here? Why? Why me and not them? That’s what I have a hard time accepting sometimes. And that’s where grace kicks in.

I thought I was past hating myself and wanting to not be on this planet because I don’t think I’m worth it. I don’t think I’m special but the peculiar twist in my theory is I truly believe you think I am God and that’s what I cling to. I walk in your truth of me and live in your confidence. That’s why I may seem confident but I’m really not. I didn’t realize that was my lifeline since April 4, 2014. And the fact that you’re making it more glaring now; is hard because you’re making me face truths I don’t feel like facing. I told you I’ll never try taking my life again since you’ve blocked all my attempts and only you are the reason I’m here God. Plus my life wasn’t mine to end and I’ve never apologize for hurting you in that way so I truly repent and apologize Abba. I love you. I really should be dead. But that’s how big you are.

Popping pills to the point of my throat burning should have killed me alone but I’m still here. Blocking not one but two attempts to jump train tracks is only your supernatural testimony to how big you are. I never wanted to talk about any of this because I can still feel the black hole I was walking in as worldly Crysta. How did I survive those emotions!? Only you that’s how. You were with me before I even knew you were lord Jesus. You made me special before I even said yes to you? I hate that I ask you why but why? Don’t you see what I see? A broken girl that fights to believe.

Grace is something I didn’t realize I needed in some areas of my life like here: wounds that are not fully healed because I buried them so deeply. Not fully accepting that I have a hard time letting go of “if it doesn’t make sense I don’t trust it,” which is exactly why you designed Harper to not make sense at all. You love me so much that you need to keep showing me how big you are.

You’re the same God that stopped both me and my brother from ending our lives multiple times. You’re the same God that saved my dad from his total car accident when he drove drunk. You’re the same God that protected me and my mother when I was driving us in a storm that prevented me from seeing anything in front of me as she was fighting me. All I kept chanting was Jesus take the wheel. And it felt like seconds later the storm literally stopped and we were in front of my sisters house. I still don’t know how we got there to this day. Actually I do, you. You need me to understand that you’re bigger than big and that you have me and everyone I love. And my deepest hearts desire to see them all on fire for you will occur. You’re perfect timing not mine. So I’ll cling to that truth.

Thank you for showing me because I’m so impatient with myself it completely spills into other areas of my life. You’re making me go lower on a newer comprehension. You’re making me realize that I have to meet people where they are in terms of their perspective not meet them to carry them to mine. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that’s what I’ve been doing with so many of your children; they just don’t get some of the things you’ve literally just planted in me from day one of my salvation. Everyone’s walk is different. You used Anabelle as a vessel to relay this truth to me. You also made me realize that if my brother was saved now he wouldn’t grow in Christ. So you protect him as he’s not walking with you until your timing is right. Thank you God for making me a believer in that area. I needed that so badly because my brother is everything. I love him so much. I’d die for him. But I get that’s not your will just putting that out there.

I also realize it’s also not an accident that myself, Jojo*, Daniel* and Naomi* are all going through really painful shedding seasons. That’s your doing you must be setting us up for a pretty massive season that’s around the corner. It’s also not an accident you kept using me to present the same themed message of being active in pushing through what we know verses embracing the unknown. I wasn’t doing that as strongly as I could. At the same time I belittled myself because I know better. Where’s the grace for myself I need to remember that I’m still a baby Christian regardless of the point you have me. I honestly forget God. But you made me remember today talking to Jojo, Daniel and Naomi. It’s a moment to moment process. So I’ll let you keep teaching me grace moment to moment.

Thank you for your endless love. I love you beyond comprehension Abba.

Love your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Psychosocial 

Harper* being engaged is so messy. Is it wrong that it bothers me so much? I think it is because I have no claims to this son of yours. Except a promised made two years ago. If that’s the case, I demand an explanation. I don’t understand the purpose of their relationship getting this far this fast? It doesn’t make sense to me plus I really hate it God. I am so happy that I’m at the space where I completely trust you; and that you have this under control. It doesn’t change how bothered I am or my insecurities attempting to be triggered. Why her and not me? Why does his actions and decisions affect me so much? We have no relationship so none of this makes logical sense.

I hate that you’re making this yet another post God. Vulnerable, raw and exposed. My recurring theme for the past week. You’re sure demanding and ensuring that my indifference wall is dismantled completely.

Harper’s* current season makes me think I’m too old. I’m too tall. My eyes aren’t beautiful like hers. I don’t have light brown hair. I lost my singing voice. My speaking voice isn’t raspy as hers. I wasn’t aggressively and persistently in his face like her: chasing him. He who findeth… Not she. So, did I do the wrong thing in falling all the way back? All these questions God and you’re just telling me to trust you.

It hurts and bothers me that people around Harper* support this relationship. They support this engagement. It hurts that he’s not serving in church as much as he should or used to God. You made all of us with a servants heart. It hurts that he said no to growing in God with me. Why did he prefer to build with her? Why does it appear he’s dancing in the lane of the world and all that comes with that dangerous fire with her? Why doesn’t he look happy and just a guy going through the motions?

I know I’m far from perfect and I definitely don’t have any grounds to say I’m faultless but keeping my purity intact is so important to me. I don’t believe in non married couples going away together. It’s messy and tempting and grounds to introduce and commit sin. This was one of my biggest issues when I was worldly.

I never cared for sex especially after being raped at 19 so the concept of sex just repulsed me. I was supposed to stay a virgin past 19. That wasn’t supposed to be taken from me. My husband was supposed to have that. Then things just got weird and I became so in a shell wearing all black bagging clothes completely isolated. Seeing everyone around me having sex and me hating it. I wanted to die. I tried dying but you stopped those attempts.

Then at 23 I decided without consulting you that I would stop being weird and force myself to have sex. The first few times were torturous and then I had to numb myself to get used to the agony. If I’m real with myself I might still have an issue with sex because I like to dismiss intimacy all together and just go to sex, that’s what men want so get to the bottom line, right? The mantra of broken Crysta. Witnessing this season of Harper* doesn’t help these pasts hurts God and you know this.

And then you showed me what true love is by pulling me out of my depression and being suicidal. And I was the happiest daughter alive. Me and you forever. I wasn’t even focused on a guy or even getting married. Yet I longed for it one day. In fact I told you two years ago that it’ll be me and you for five years. Then you showed me Harper* and I dismissed him. I said no thank you “he will make me crazy.” But you kept creating little deposits of moments between us that are memories replayed on my heart. And now I just feel forever marked. How’s this fair that I’m marked by him and he’s engaged to someone else?

I’m completely affected and marked alone. Because he got to dismiss me and move on with his life. He’s obviously happy on whatever level he tells himself because when a man spends money on a woman then they’re serious about them, right?…. Isn’t that the alpha male saying? Abba, I demand answers. You keep making me put myself out here the least you can do is meet me with an answer with the love and comfort you give me.

This hurts. You know how serious I take marriage God and how serious I take building a committed relationship. You’re making me blindly trust you when it comes to Harper* and it looks so bad. So so bad. Like I’m mental for believing this man is going to be my husband one day. Especially after what was communicated by him. I already feel mental for loving him because I haven’t built a relationship with him. Elizabeth* and Daniel* have actually build a dynamic and so has Ezekiel* and Naomi*. Their love makes sense. I don’t even know how Jojo* doesn’t feel mental for loving a man she had one conversation with.

This is all mental like it has to be? Or does it? Everything I know of love was learned from my broken experiences and observations living in this broken fallen world. Since being your surrendered daughter; I have noticed that the more I look up the more everything I’ve ever known is taken away and dismissed because it doesn’t align with your supernatural abilities. You are love so only your definition of love is valid. Not any human walking on this planet because only you are the creator Abba.

Then that makes me trip up Abba in the sense that most of your children on this planet are sleep walking including the ones that are saved because they’re leaning on their flesh and not the discerning truth of the spirit. Is that what Harper* is doing??

Is forfeiting the tangible seem that impossible to us all? If that’s the case then why do you have so much grace and patience for us masochists who self hate and self torture? Am I mental for believing its Harper? Or is he a masochist that doesn’t know how to be happy? Which one of us is spot on and which one of us is deluded in self torture? It’s hard for me to see its Harper* because of all the evidence in front of me; but it’s not hard for me to see my siblings future walk of matrimony.

Is Daniel* crazy for holding onto God’s word saying to trust him and love Elizabeth* who will be his wife one day when she’s a self torturous broken daughter that does everything in her power to hurt Daniel*? Yet she can’t live with out him? God I see that Elizabeth* loves Daniel*.

I believe in them she’s broken and hurt and it’s hard for my brother Daniel* to see that this woman just needs him to hold on. And let God work in her. As he covers her in prayer. That’s it. Elizabeth* doesn’t know how to receive Daniel’s* pure love but God is working it out. I wish I had that. I have a man engaged to another woman that rejected me. That’s hard to ignore. It hurts and I feel mental.

What about Ezekiel* and Naomi* They’re so stupid over each other and so in love they literally don’t know what to do with themselves. Ezekiel* never had such an incredible woman like Naomi* to love him without any motives and no agenda. She just purely loves him and he doesn’t know how to receive that so he sabotages.

It’s hard for Naomi* to see that because she’s the receiving end of his broken stick but all she has to do is hold on and let God work in him. That’s it. They’re so it for each other it’s clear as day and I see it. God it’s not the same for me. I’m not trying to compare and I repent if I am but things look so hopeless and it’s just so hard because it’s just getting worse God. I’m praying and it’s getting worse that’s why I stopped praying because I didn’t see the point because you were making it worse.

And finally Jojo* and Jackson*… She sees him for the son to the king that he is. Not an artist. The son to the king. That’s it. His whole disposition lights up when he’s near her and he stares at her with such love. She’s got it the easiest. Just waiting on Jackson* to grow a pair. Man if I had that. That’d be awesome.

I know I’m getting dangerously close to comparing but these couples factually have love and will work out. I’m hanging on to blind faith with a bleak and foggy flat line. At least that’s how it looks and feels. And then you’re making me be open about this and took away my cloak of invisibility. What’s up with that?? I understand that you keep telling me to trust you and ignore the surface but you keep making it worse. I feel like Brooke Fraser’s song psychosocial. Completely mental.

You’re the God that rose Lazarus from the dead. You’re the God that blessed us all with the Holy Spirit that resurrected our savior. So why can’t you end the season that Harper is currently in if you say he’s mine? All I need is a muster seed of faith… Why did you even allow him to be with her? And then you allowed them to get engaged? How does this help my love story with him God? According to you we are going to have one. Unless I’m mental. Completely and totally mental.

Can you even blame me for having all these questions and having to fight this doubt when people like Tamar* believe in Harper’s relationship? Why am I the only idiot that believes what you’ve been telling me is true about Harper* and I? I just come off like a psychosocial mental moron.

You’re not making it happen and I’ve been coming to the throne over and over again so what gives? I’ve accepted the other promises you’ve shown me about my finances that are on hold. But my brother and Harper* are hard to see because they’re so important in my heart and all I want to see is them soaring and on fire for you God. Being the lighters you’ve built them both to be. That’s not what’s happening for either of them God. One isn’t saved and the other one isn’t as close to you as they both should be, Harper* can’t be looking so aloof and indifferent as if he’s passing by and be on fire for you. It’s impossible unless again he is and I’m just mental.

So why was my brother out all night drinking? You’re not a liar but you’re also making me live and witness these two very difficult situations you informed me was the complete opposite of what I see. Yet it’s just hopeless looking God please end it.

I’m tired of being sad and crying for these two men. Fix it Jesus. It feels like you’re stringing me along and that’s not like you God. I need clarity and I need it now. So move. I’m done feeling mental and sticking out like a psychosocial sore thumb. Don’t bless me with another birthday and have these two men in my heart in these seasons still. I’m counting on you to move them into the lighting seasons you’ve created them to be in.

Love you to infinite places times an unknown number, your daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Enigma

Dear God,

It’s so ridiculous that the body is necessary for me. All my trajectory can focus on are the moments when I do need the body and those are the exact moments my loneliness is on full display and painfully factual. No one gets it is, my constant playlist, and that feeds my isolation.

Unfortunately you created a loophole in me God…my genetic make up sucks because I can’t control this innate desire to be around people and need them. People suck, hurt you and are wired to do so. It’s on repeat.

This is all your fault God. This is how you made me. And then these moments OH forbid me to the infinite power that my feelings are focused on. No, I’m tough so that’s usually dismissed, which is why I hate being vulnerable yet you’re ruining my coping mechanisms. What exactly is the purpose of that? And then you have the audacity to make me sensitive to their crappiness.

For some eccentric reason to my naked eye you want me raw and open. And the amazing kicker is that’s when you decide to surround me with your children that need encouragement? Be a broken weary vessel? Really?? How entertaining. That’s really cute God because I really want to tell them not so nice phrases and temporarily leave my walk in Christ lane to do not so Christ like things. I’m no cupcake either.

The nerve. Just because I’m tough doesn’t mean I’m not someone that needs comfort too. The assumption is insulting the fact that I’m always the person that’s leaned on is a great honor and I humbly say yes. This means you trust me God but it’s also exhausting and lonely, very lonely.

What about me? Who’s there for me exactly when I need them without me having to rise above and take the half baked cookies thrown my way and swallow an incomplete recipe? It tastes bitter, rushed and has no tender love. I must always accept half effort? So that’s my role in life? Let me know so I can beg you to show me how to do this because this isn’t working. When will I get to experience a moment to eat well baked cookies that just melt in my mouth? When will I have an opportunity to savor the taste because it was baked with love. Baked with care and the attention to detail was effortless?

You know another annoying thing is that you make me go above and beyond for everyone like everyone. Especially when I don’t want to. And when I fall short I’m persecuted verbally. No grace yet I have to give it? Be a fence God because nothing is making sense. I’m tired of repeating myself.

Absurd obedience like okay God I say yes. Because walking in no was dark and dangerous this hurts too but I have a relationship with you and you actually take me as I am. And you meet me. And you make me better, and I’m forever indebted to you and your faithfulness even in the eye of my frustration your love is endless and you’re just beautiful God. I love you. Even in my annoyance you’re my first choice because you first choose me. That will always baffle me. And leave me awe in wonder. No matter my current emotions.

Guess this is all apart of this pruning process you’re walking me through that completely sucks. I’m sick of this season when will you take me out of it? I’m sick of everyone around me. Some shape or another they all hurt me and I’m tired of them. When I’m hurt I naturally want to be mean and hurt everyone back. Reform to my old ways of being cold and cutting people with words or just out of my life. I’m sick of everyone except for Daniel* for some reason you won’t let me be sick of him I don’t know what the purpose of that is. I like helping him so get him to listen more and he’ll be straight but I’ll keep meeting him like you’re guiding me to.

Not sure if he’s supposed to mirror the one I don’t want to mention because I’m so over that non logical enigma. I’m over everything. It is eerie how alike Daniel* and the unnamed one is. Even if it’s glimmers I still see it.

What’s up with my convo with Daniel* tonight doing stuff to my chest like your pressing something on my heart about unnamed one. I rather believe it’s heart burn and I need almond milk. If it’s not, I’ll wait for clarity because leaping regarding him doesn’t work and isn’t appreciated. I’m done. I think I feel stupid enough and looked pretty foolish already. Don’t you think? Clearly if I have to do something else that makes me look like an idiot I say yes because it’s your will. Regardless how I feel you tell me to do something God I’ll do it.

And every time I’m upset and feel so down and out the books of Job and Jeremiah pop in my head. What’s up with that? I’m definitely not always praising you every moment because I fight being pissed at you. So there’s that. You have what plans to prosper me exactly? I get it things take time okay so why do I have to be in New York for this clearly lengthy preparation you’re putting me through. Everything sucks here. Why can’t you just stop preventing me from leaving? I’m much more appreciated and useful doing missionary work. Or anywhere but here.

Can you please tell me what was the purpose of all I experienced with unnamed one was for? Aren’t you tired of me saying this makes no sense? I’m tired of saying it because you’re not a God of disorder. Like when will this enigma start making sense isn’t two years enough?

I’m tired of feeling like a crazy person and if I’m supposed to do something then I totally missed your message. Can you beam down and slap me in the middle of my forehead and say exactly whatever it is you want me to get. I’m tired of not getting it. I have to not be getting something. Something has to be off right?

I’m so over everything didn’t I just finish writing a blog about this? What’s left to say? Seriously? I’m sick of Jojo’s* insensitivity and what’s up with everything becoming about her? I’m sick of Naomi’s* insensitivity as well but more of her inability to stay focused on what I have to say and listen to me with full attention.

The crazy wild thing God they both need me to be understanding and patient and listen and graceful yet they do not always give that to me. Seems like an unfair balance. I honestly didn’t want to be bothered tonight and that’s why I didn’t go to Tuesday night prayer. I’m tired of this season and you’re not changing anything so what am I supposed to do change my perspective? Well show me how to do that then because I’d rather be in peace then feel any other emotion regardless your decision to answer my petitions or not.

And yet I’m supposed to give you thanks in everything. Do you know how hard that is to do right at this very second? Everything seems so hard, so lonely and it feels like I’m not getting something. As if I’m a disk that cannot be read because the CD rom and motherboard have no connection despite all the wires crossing and everything being in tact. So where’s the error coming from?

Fix it. I just want you Jesus everything else in between hurts and I’m uninterested because people suck. I’m over all them. I’m tired of hurt and and needing the body can’t we negotiate my needs? Like not need them as in people?

Love your weary daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeanProPrivacy

Triage

God I hate this.

I hate that I’m always complaining to you about the same things over and over again.

I hate that I’m always apparently nitpicking Jojo* because all I see is her holding onto cancerous habits and desperately seeking attention and it sucks.

I hate that my brother is so beautiful on the inside that barely anyone sees it and he searches for validation in toxic people and toxic things. That is Idolatry and it sucks he should be clinging to you. Anyone that clings to anything or anyone other than you is practicing idolatry.

So where does that leave me? I think everything sucks. My parents being broke and their health being not so great all just sucks. And yet they just continue to feed their horrible vices: drinking and overeating.

My dad is an alcoholic and my mom is obese. I beg you to fix them and have them on fire for you. Nothing changed. I’m tired of asking. I don’t see the point anymore.

My brother didn’t change and I’ve been praying to you about these three people since before I surrendered my life to you a year and a half ago. I had more faith in change for them before the surrender.

But then yesterday happened and all I could see and focus on is two defenseless kids that had no way of stopping their angry dad or his abusive words and hands.

Regardless how I feel I immediately cried out to you until I started crying myself. I didn’t stop praying until you brought help. I didn’t even realize that’s what I was doing. All I focused on was those babies being protected.

And then you brought help and I got to be your warrior and that felt like everything. It made me love you all over again on a deeper level and say yes yes yes. This is why I ride so hard for you Abba. Moments like this. They’re the best ever and send a shock-wave of revival in my weary heart.

My faith has a slight flicker and twitch now. And then I remember it’s in your word. Cease without praying. 1 Thessalonians the book of prayer. At least that’s what I see it as. And Galatians the book of faith the one you had me mediate in but I stopped because it got too real. And there’s so many other books that are popping up in my head that I didn’t even realize I remembered.

I haven’t spent time with you in our regimen. I’ve been tired and I’ve been so disappointed that you’re dragging your feet with my brother and my parents and this horrible money situation that keeps getting worse. Praying isn’t making it better it just keeps getting worse.

You’re not a buffet type of God so why are my prayers being answered selectively? In the order of your triage not mine. The forever solution of my parents doesn’t exist because they keep shooting themselves in their feet. How is that not triage? Why is my brother struggling with substance abuse not triage? Why why why?

How about going a step further and thinking about the world why just why? It breaks my heart thinking how defenseless I am to personally and actively just go save these kids. Feed them and love them and be the example that you are love. You are the way, the truth and the life.

Being an active example is the most beautiful way of stripping scales on your children’s eyes that do not see. That do not understand the option of the greatest love ever. You are the only real and true love.

I can’t believe that even being disappointed I go so hard for you. Even when you strip everything that makes sense to me from me; I trust you in my pressure points. I’m a diamond you are molding to your will not my theory. I trust you when my back is against the wall. I don’t break even when it feels like I am; all I’m doing is resting in your wings. That’s the consistent theme. That’s my instinctive heartbeat.

And I don’t want to talk about Harper*. Everything about him pisses me off. I hate this season. I hate that I hate he’s with someone else. I hate that I don’t want to kill her but actually keep praying for her vertical because she’s not looking up. Neither is he.

I can’t believe that you won’t change my heart because on the surface and to my naked eyes this is pointless. My feelings are pointless. They’re together building a life. The end and on to the next. Why am I writing about him?

But you keep telling me other stuff God and where my faith muscle is being stretched. And I’m looking at you like you’re crazy. Their verticals are not where you need them to be. What does that have to do with me? Neither of them do not showcase peace; again, what does that have to do with me?

I still don’t understand how I have it despite losing three family members in a two month time frame. Like what? Ugh the way you’re preparing me is scary because that means apparently I can handle this and everything you’re throwing at me. But I don’t want to.

Harper* is a triage that I don’t see makes sense because of his actions and what he’s shown me with verbal and nonverbal. So my indifference wall and iron clad contract to seem unfazed is in tact.

But I’m very fazed and bothered and hurt and I don’t think that’s fair. And I don’t want this to be a blog post out there in the world of exposure. Where I’m vulnerable; I’ll be seen and my contract will be null and void. Please keep this between us. It makes more sense yet somehow it may find a different home. Whatever.

Yet, yet yet you have me on what seems to me an eeee eeeee fire starter crazy status Abba. Walking on faith and not by sight with Harper* and I’m like do you see what I see God??? Because what you’re telling me to do makes no sense. Pray, love and believe in someone that’s building with someone else. It’s absurd and stupid and I hate it and it sucks. I feel like an idiot. Then I remember the vessel you used at the greatest weekend of my life: MVMNT Retreat 15. “It always looks stupid when you’re in the middle of it.” Absurd obedience makes me feel stupid. Clearly my feelings don’t trump you.

Doctors fix impossible triages. I’m not a doctor so this Harper* triage isn’t a triage that belongs to me or shouldn’t according to me. And you keep reminding me that you’re the creator who created doctors. So there’s that. You call the shots. Not me, ugh let your will be done.

This the most ridiculous conundrum ever.

But supernatural is my real. That bubble popping was a challenging reality to accept. But I did it because I walk in the anomaly cloak you created me to breathe in. I’m your Romans 12:2 daughter.

I love you God. From your stubborn daughter.

This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy

Icebergs

Dearest Abba,

Sometimes it feels like I don’t even know how to properly formulate my words to communicate with you verbally or through composition. Expression is so challenging for me especially since my resource and tools stem from the lens attached to my flawed brain. The longer I walk with you God and the closer I draw near to you; the more you reveal to me that nothing is what it seems. I’ll never get used to that truth. This path is filled with multiple icebergs floating on the water because our life is full of multiple seasons. Just as seasons pass so will these iceberg or at the very least they will melt.

Do I always know that in the duration of my raw moments? Heck no, that’s not my testimony. These icebergs trip me up all the time. I can’t speak for any other beautiful eyeballs reading these words right now but I’ll take a leap of faith and say you don’t either. Kudos for you if you do. That’s a special gift right there. Holler at me so you can teach me to execute that… like seriously.

Thanks to my spiritual mentor’s guidance, I now comprehend that sanctification is a second to second quest and salvation is a one time graceful gift. They were all chucked together in my cerebral circumference since last year. All this time I was pondering why I want to fling people that try me across the room when I’m saved. Like weren’t these ungodly emotions supposed to magically evaporate like boiling water? Why are they still here God?… NOW I get why. I stay prayed up. I have to for so many reasons. Another blessing in the past few months was completing Be Transformed at my church. It really clarified incorrect thinking. I’m forever changed and grateful for that 9 week course and my mentor. Love that woman. Her fire for Jesus is amazing and she pushes me to go harder for God.

Both experiences grew me far more than I ever thought possible. That stretching process was so real, and just the tip of the various icebergs of where you’re taking me God from what you continue to reveal. There’s layers to this and a serious process. You currently have me in this season of stillness and teaching me patience and I think it sucks. And you know I think it sucks, which is probably why I’m still here. I haven’t fully let go of that instant gratification mentality or my move a mile a minute that used to be my life. Slowing me down is excruciatingly painful. However, you wanted me to realize that I’m glancing horizontally and not appreciating my chapter because I’m trying to go ahead of you or suggest what you should write next for me. The nerve right? You’re timeless and the artist, and I’m your blank canvass. Well, you know how I am. Thank goodness you meet me and wreck me for the better.

But God…life feels wasteful sometimes because I’m not doing more or I’m not where I can see myself. There was a lot of me’s and I’s in that sentence. Plus, this isn’t my life, this is your life God and I need to stop paying attention to the glimmers you show me because there’s so much more to these tips then my naked eye can see. You have the ability to see the entire iceberg and I don’t. You know how deep and how many layers each consists of; more importantly you know the purpose of them. Each iceberg has a purpose. That’s becoming clearer and clearer. During these restless moments you lovingly remind me to mediate so I grab my blueprint to life: my bible. I pray and just sit in your truth. Each and every time you reveal and reteach me that I was only looking at these surfaces that do not reveal much. Everything that I experience has a purpose for your grand plan. You see everything God because you’re the author of life. I just need to keep walking in faith and leaping because I know with conviction you hold my right hand tightly. That’s a truth that never waivers even during my turbulence. You’re all about strengthening my core so when future hiccups happens walking on this water, I’m still in this place: thirsty for you and your truth only.

The ways you find to continue to grab my attention leave me in awe. As I sit here writing these words in Starbucks, listening to Will Raegan’s “Reach for Me,” you are also simultaneously altering my mindset. You’ve blessed me with an awesome conversation with Mr. Starbucks Guy. Sitting here listening to his testimony was truly inspiring. My perspective of his journey was beautiful because in a nutshell he’s relentless in overcoming obstacles. He taught himself how to read and is now an avid reader. He got his GED later in life, after realizing running in the streets was not what his purpose of existence was. Mr. Starbucks Guy always wanted to be an engineer and never had the funds to do so yet YOU blessed him with a complete scholarship covered in full to go to school and get his education in his heart’s desire. Yet, the mind blowing thing is he’s focused on all the mistakes he’s made when he was younger because he wishes he can tell his younger self to not make the choices he made. And wants to be further in life. Little does he know it was all apart of your glory. You were always with him. You blessed me to hear his story and I pray you used me to bless him with the encouraging words I shared with him. I think it’s awesome he’s teaching himself how to learn another language on top of all the other pro active abilities he possesses; and he’s thinking about going back to school again. I hope I see Mr. Starbucks Guy in church and he actually comes.

I hear you and see you God. All in your timing and never ours. You always know what’s in all of our hearts and you make things happen far better then we would ever put together. You just want us to ride the pruning wave on this water and let the icebergs be because you totally have us.

Love your daughter.

Thanks for reading beautiful people. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ. Xo

Scales

Dearest Abba,

Seems like forever since I’ve expressed myself in written form. It also appears that a lot has happened emotionally; as I experience overflowing awareness thanks to you not giving up on that nudge you’ve been trying to get me to pay attention to. I’m excited that I’m finally taking Be Transformed. When you first put that in my orbit right after I got saved last year; I was so uninterested. My immediate thought was “oh okay, sure a class will transform my mind that drawing closer to you by prayer, mediation and reading the word can’t? Whatever. Bye.” I was so unopened to the concept originally then last winter something clicked. It was right around the time we had that scare with my mom’s health. Whatever it was, I’m grateful that I’m now taking the classes. Last week’s orientation was an eye opener in itself so my excitement factor anticipating the next nine weeks is at an absolute all time high.

It’s bittersweet that my first class is this Friday, April 17th because it’s also the same night as #Compel1000 at my young adult ministry I serve in. I love serving and attending the services. It never gets old for me to express that this ministry saved my life. At least I’m blessed with the ability to set up and still be apart of creating the beauty of this anointed ministry. The vision of reaching as many souls as possible takes the amazing army and warriors that volunteer. Although I’ll be missing the next 6 meetings, being transformed is more important because I realize it will remove the scales that I’m currently unaware are covering my eyes. The removal of them will make me a stronger daughter to the king to understand even more how to effectively be obedient instead of questioning as I’m obedient. I’ll just say yes.

This week’s assignments have already shed skin. As naive as this sounds I didn’t believe I’d see this ‘so called transformation’ until I was in like week 4 or 5. I haven’t even experienced the first class yet, you God have already rocked my world. The biggest lesson that stood out the most, without ruining it for anyone who plans to take Be Transformed is inherited sin goes beyond ancestral history. It’s the feeding of bad habits that are our distorted beliefs continue to fester. It’s so important to be cautious what you feed your mind because it pours into the realm of actions and behavior. What I think I do. As odd as this seems I experienced a newer level of understanding this concept. That’s why it’s so easy for me (and I can only speak for me.) to stay in my pool of bad habits even if they’re destructive. I know them. That’s the bottom line. The unknown is an extremely terrifying galaxy.

I thought I ‘passed the fear of the unknown stage’ such lies. I’m no better than anyone else that has difficulties opening up to a new person or whatever they personally struggle with. Apprehension of change is universal; it just looks different in all of us because we’re all uniquely wired. Opening up to someone new (at least on some level) isn’t something that I personally struggle with. I struggle with seeing that God is shedding habits I didn’t realize I had and I see this by the scales falling rapidly. It’s uncomfortable because I’m left asking who’s walk with Christ Crysta now? “Everything is disappearing that I know.” What do I do until God shows me what’s next? It’s rattling yet I’m at peace because there’s no better emotion than what I’ve experienced this past year: being completely anchored to God. As I dance with him and he carves me to be the likeness of what he created me to be for all seasons that lay ahead. I don’t understand these two completely different emotions happening at the same time inside of me and I really want to. It doesn’t make sense that a human can experience two polar opposite feelings.

I have serious control issues. I didn’t realize how deep they ran before this past week, everyday was a clearer vision and scales falling. I finally realize that I have the ability to put an unfair and unrealistic expectation to those around me because my corrupted belief is they should know better. If I am unaware, so are they. Blindness is that… being in the dark. Humans are flawed and won’t always get it right. Sin in it’s truest form is missing the mark. We are wired to miss the mark and our blueprint of life, also known as the bible has shown clear examples of this fact. It didn’t change then, it’s not going to change now. The difference now is to aspire to be more like the one who gave it all for us: Jesus. Is it easy? Absolutely not, people try the Jesus lane. There’s so much that hit me since last Wednesday’s orientation that I’m surprised that my head didn’t explode. I’m content in this season of singleness and all other experiences God has me going through but I’m also petrified. This is an enigma that blows my mind. Because God isn’t a God of confusion or fear. The only way to seek clarity is to pray, mediate, spend time with God and read my blueprint that he has designed for us all.

God you continue to bless me with revelations. I’m beyond grateful you’re showing me the why behind these newly known behaviors that I project so that ultimately these loops can end. After the first homework of Be Transformed, it became clear why it was important to understand the reasoning behind behaviors. It now makes sense why I can be a person that loves so hard and naturally want to mom a situation because it taps into my nurturing side; yet I can be aloof and completely disconnected. This occurs because I deeply despise being hurt or feeling pain. And this is where my controlling side kicks in. These emotions are my protectors. I can withdraw from hurt and let the facade take over because I don’t feel. Pain really sucks. It’s so easy for me to withdraw within myself to prevent from feeling. And to an outsider it’s not easily seen. I’m okay with being open when it doesn’t hurt but the moment it does, I clam up and shut down. That can seem very confusing to an observer. It took this morning to realize this is a loop I’ve been stuck in.

When I was worldly and not respecting my temple, I’d use my body to not feel because the act of sex was always a black out–numbing experience. I never admitted this before now. The broken psyche of worldly Crysta believed sex was her key to experience that love she was desperately searching for. She also believed her validation came from man as well. Words used to paralyze me. They sting from people I love but I understand it’s because I do want them to think positively of me but if they don’t; I won’t shatter like I believe I would in the past. Only God disowning me would shatter me and he’s proven he never will. Ever. When using my body didn’t work and I still didn’t feel this love I was desperate to have; I didn’t make the connection that I never will get it from a guy. Especially a guy that God never planned for me. That’s how the numbing and blacking out during sex happened over time. I deep down hated the idea of using my body to feel this so call love I thought was going to happen. It always felt off but couldn’t pin point why. People used to laugh at me when I told them before I was saved that I never really cared for sex. So I stopped saying it and pretended that I did.

The moment I stepped foot in #392FultonStreet I felt that love I was chasing and I was consumed by an overwhelming peace. I blurted out this has to be God. Then I said why do I know that. And I felt confused. I just kept coming back. I was addicted to this ‘God feeling’ at least back then that’s what it was. Surrendering my life on last year’s Compel Night was the biggest and greatest moment of my life. That’s why I’m so sad I’ll miss this year seeing other beautiful souls understand the recognition that God is love. But I understand God you need me to grow. I’m in awe that I’ve already seen that Be Transformed will show me scales falling on a recurring basis as long as there is breath in my body. It’s also showing me that leaning on the supernatural wisdom strengthens my vertical relationship with you Abba. I need you God. I’m a hot mess without you and will just do dumb things.

I wish I understood or remembered this yesterday. This was apart of lesson number 2. Feeding emotions of surface information grows scales and blinds you. Something on the surface that occurred made me shut down and retract from Harper* and every action has a reaction. This dude and what I feel makes me feel like I’m in a rocky boat. The intensity of these emotions aren’t logical to walk with Christ Crysta or worldly Crysta. At least worldly Crysta chased dudes and was aggressive and used her body. When I see Harper* I’m an awkward dweeb that wants to run for the hills because he makes me feel like that 16 year old all over again with her huge bifocals. I’m inexperienced all over again around him. And then worldly Crysta ‘fell for a guy’ after sex because that hormone was released from her brain and she believed she felt the attachment to the guy she had no business giving herself to. That’s a logical scientific explanation in believing in a falsified “forever” connection. I’d even understand if I was lusting after Harper* but I’m not. I don’t even think about sex when I look at him or when I’m around him. I think about what’s his favorite biblical book and why? What’s his favorite go to verse when he’s down and out? What are his go to worship songs? I wonder if I can kick his butt in NBA 2K. Did he play Zelda growing up? Does he know about that Earth Worm Jim life? Like seriously who thinks of these things especially around a good looking guy like Harper* I do.

I go through the toss up of being excited about these feelings and where they will lead to being scared and confused because nothing is clear. It’s just a lot of leaps of faith and no definitive answers when it comes to Harper* and I don’t like that. That’s not tangible. Then again, you’re not tangible God. This is hard. I’d rather shift focus on just you but I keep waking up through your grace with him on my mind and heart praying for him to always walk with you and grow stronger in his faith. Like what’s really life. I’d never guess I’d be capable of not aggressively approaching someone that peaks my interest far less feel what I feel. Aggression doesn’t even cross my mind when it comes to him. More like: Man talk to me. Me run now. Based off of my experiences these feelings don’t make sense. They feel like I stepped into an alternate universe. The only consistency that keeps me grounded is the fact that I’m anchored to God.

It doesn’t change the fact that these feelings scare me. It feels paralyzing because I can’t control them; they’re complete free-fall. So I ask these questions in my head that I know God can hear but he totally doesn’t answer me. What if we evolve from hi and bye church people to friends? Or the evolution after that, friendship to dating? The idea of dating Harper* petrifies yet I want to be married someday and give my husband a village of world changers as we edify the kingdom. He leads, I follow. Like duh Crysta, that can’t happen if I can’t get over these fears. I honestly think it’s because I don’t know how to do any of this the right way. God’s way. I also need to allow myself to truly understand I’m not supposed to know what God has written in it’s entirety. Then there’s that deep rooted number one fear of becoming who I used to be. I’d honestly rather do missionary work for the rest of my life then see that occur. But you shot down every attempt to leave God. Apart of me is really comfortable with Harper* staying fictional in this blog box. The fearfully faithful side wants to just go full throttle and see where this all leads. That side wants to eject the punk train I’m riding so hard. Because the fearless side walks on pure faith and believes it’s him no matter what the horizontal says or my eyeballs and ears pick up. As scary as this is I want to be held accountable to rise above this all and always desire to be spiritually lead in all situations so I completely minimize reacting. I don’t want to conform to the corrupt beliefs anymore. Truth and wisdom should be my discerning and not my fears or reacting in flesh.

Love your daughter.

Thanks for reading beautiful eyeballs. This path called life belongs to Jesus Christ.

*Name changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy