Bridal-wear

“And when the king came in to see the guests, he saw there a man which had not on a wedding garment: And he saith unto him, Friend, how camest thou in hither not having a wedding garment? And he was speechless. Then said the king to the servants, Bind him hand and foot, and take him away, and cast him into outer darkness; there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. For many are called, but few are chosen.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭22:11-14‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I was lead to this powerful note written by a fellow believer, which inspired me to scribe the words I see. Lately I’ve been just so bothered by how much I see dilution being the solution to Christianity, all because the call to walk and talk our hidden pitfalls are unpopular and painful. But many humans see at first glance, that popularity is the wave. Then they fall in the pitfall of a worldly grave. Thank God it’s never too late, to turn North because of Jesus Christ, who turns the darkness into light.

In all actuality popularity is a vulgarity to the submission of the Holy Spirit. When we as humans choose the ruse of the world, we are coldly not boldly sinking by thinking, in the slum of sins. satan is a limited destructor, that designs lies, which we hide in pride but eventually we die on the inside misguided and divided. These wrong weed seeds make us bleed with broken need, by multiple mirages of self-sabotage, through the hues of our bondages. This is a switch from the gift of Obey in Today in the replays in delays and decay’s of yesterday’s. The sorrows of no tomorrow make the stake in fake break, and shake us as hostages.

Jesus is our bridegroom, and the calling on our lives is attached to an anointing that is bigger than us. We fuss, we fight, we complain in a draining rain to justify through pride what’s not right, because it feels like an alluring best last first bite. This direction is truly ungodly flesh god facades. When we say yes to Jesus we begin our journey from darkness to light. We cannot serve God wholeheartedly, and still hold onto the filth of our sinful ways.

This is where dilution comes in, and why lukewarm Christianity is a dangerous societal and cultural habitual brokenness. Everyone on this planet has pain dwelling inside. Every  human on this planet has demons they’re convinced are controlled or conquered. Only through God will all our pain have gain. Only through God will our hurts have worth. No is a word that makes every human see red, I know I deeply dislike that word. I automatically become determined to overturn the no to: watch me move. But that’s not biblical, and that’s not godly.

That’s my egotistical flesh. When I became saved almost three years ago, I was determined to do this walk God’s Way, because I grew up seeing the dilution. As a child I knew it was never a long term solution. And I was truly upset that God’s Great Name was being muddled in vain. It made me see red, but it also broke my heart. For the longest I thought this walk could never be done right. Until I felt the overwhelming love of God on April 4th, 2014, and balled like a baby. God saw every ugly part of my heart, and God knows every ugly thing I did to myself, and to others. And yet he showed me on that day how much he loved me. I was forever changed, and made my final bow from the world: boldly not coldly, and vowed to always walk the talk of God directing my steps.

I never looked back, and I never regretted letting go of the world, or losing my ragged clothing of flesh and filth. The more I draw closer to God the higher I go with him. I realize that my life is not only NOT mine but there are so many eyeballs watching me:

My students

My family

My friends

But most importantly all the rest of God’s creation is watching me. It is my duty to fight with all my might, to stick to the light of Jesus Christ. My yes is bigger than me, and my calling is bigger than me. So God continue to pull out my weeds that make me bleed. Thank you Jesus. Continue to evolve me to be your godly: your way not my way. I say yes to your bridal-wear, and to your calling over my life. Continue to shield me, and to fine tune me through my pruning process denying my flesh.

I love you my King.

Love your daughter.

Foundation

Dear Dad,

Bible study: Genesis 7:1-4; 6-7.

I love you, and thank you for using your daughter on my youversion bible app, to meet me in our study of Genesis 7:1-7 just now. We ended right there, and I wanted to read the whole chapter dad, but I have to go to work and you had your plan. I follow your lead dad. I needed this confirmation to the foundation, you’ve solidified in my walk with you since day one. Since 404: 4.4.14, you showed me to this day, why I never trusted anyone’s voice over what you’ve told me. Walking with you three years later, I see exactly why. Thank you for being faithful God. I’ll keep walking through this fire knowing with conviction you go before me God and I’m completely safe. You’re the greatest love of all God. 

When God has a calling on your life that surpasses all human logic or understanding, we must protect our purpose at all costs. There’s a trend that truly disturbs me: ‘human confirmation’ this new wave and cultural trap in today’s society truly bothers me. 

It’s pressed so heavy on my heart to discuss, and pray against this habitual practice not found in the Bible. Noah was called in the later part of his life, to rise to his purpose. Noah the alcoholic. And today’s time is very different than Old Testament. But the call to our purpose remains the same. 

We are all sinners but we do not stay where God meets us. He does the work within, once we commit to our calling. Because God is still the same God, and Noah was a vessel just like we are today. So why has society been allowed to create cultural brokenness, such as human confirmation to be an affirmation to fleshly disobedience? 

I don’t get it. It bothers me, and doesn’t sit well to the truth of who the Holy Spirit is. The same Holy Spirit I fight to submit to on a daily basis. If Noah made the decision to wait around for a distraction like ‘human confirmation,’ then humanity would have been wiped out. Human confirmation isn’t biblical. It’s cultural and societal, and that’s disobedient flesh. If this habitual practice known as human confirmation, were biblical then Noah would of had a human confirmation, and Abraham would of had a human confirmation. So would Saul when he had his encounter with Jesus: that transformed him to Apostle Paul. 

But that’s not what happened to any of these men. Esther had no human confirmation, and neither did Ruth. So why is today’s time feeding a sleepwalking trap like human confirmation? Why haven’t we learned yet as a human race from the beginning of time, with the man in the earlier chapters of Genesis? God created the woman made only for him, through his rib while he was in stillness through rest. Then God healed him from his pain with gain and this man woke up to his rib. But fear and doubt caused sin for both this woman and man in the beginning of time, with the distraction of satan; back then he came in the form of a serpent. 

Today satan comes in so many forms it’s alarming. This why the world is in the space that it is. Too many distractions that clog the connection to God and us. It sadly comes in this human confirmation form far too many times for my liking. Humans affirm not confirm anything for us. Because if God didn’t tell you first, a human cannot. God is God not a human. 

Saints I pray for a higher discernment, and trust in the voice of God and how He speaks to you all. Ask, seek and knock on the door of your connection with God, to have a solid foundation like the roots of a bamboo. Did you know it takes three years for a bamboo to have full and solid roots? Then it soars into the sky and grows as tall as it does. 

Bamboos are beautiful but cannot be beautiful until the foundations of their roots are rock solid. It’s the same for our walk with God. We cannot soar in the sky until our roots are rock solid. We will never be rock solid until we trust God’s voice over any human like Abraham, Noah, Paul, Esther and Ruth. We must be aggressive to protect God’s Business at all cost, like the vessels that came before us in the Bible. I pray for boldness, grace, restoration, obedience, and forgiveness for all your chosen Lord. We are all your chosen. And we are all called. Thank you Holy Spirit. In Jesus name, amen. God loves you all so much. So do I because he taught me too. 

Love your daughter, Crysta.

131

Dearest Dad,

I feel so on edge. I constantly create a space where there’s a place I’ll land to stand and jump off a ledge, because my pledge to me is I’ll be set free. But I also feel this absurd centered peace, that biblically surpasses all understanding; so my landing on an edge is disregarded by the bombarding of how much you love me God. Your love is my Sacred Dove and always flying from Above. I choose to lose the ruse of refuse in the world of coldly flesh mutes confesses. I’m in a space where I’ve surrendered my disgrace from my past, because in my mind I played rewind for the vain of no gain to always be my pain. 

All I did was grow my hurts with no worth. My pain will always have a gain in my hinderance by Your Deliverance called surrender. There’s only eight days left of the year 2016. So much has happened, and so many changes created arranges that offended my defend in the foolishness of you God. I was so hurt that I tried through my lies to hide all that’s inside. 

“he has to face the choices he’s made without Me.”

Okay, that’s probably about the he you keep saying is for me when there’s a battle that makes me feel so rattled to accept what I sometimes try to reject and neglect. 131 is a coded eroded beginning of that ugly backwards hat, in the drunkenness spat for the wrong hues of two to be undone; to never to be the see of His Truth. God you say that the blatant disobeys, and decays will no longer be stronger in yesterday. The gift that causes us to pause, and lift in your truth because you are Proof; makes our pride die so we can rise to stop the clock of flocked pressing play in hide. To say goodbye to all lies that we as humans bury inside. We say goodbye to what we know because it’s time to go and grow. 

131 is a coded eroded hit it and quit it misfit that became that no holy matrimonial phony two strands quicksand best last first bite hype. God you’re not a God of hype. You’re a God of love, order, stillness, and peace. The greatest truth you’re Proof represents is the Cross of Calvary. You loved this broken world so much God, and all the whack sinful humans walking on this pit stop called earth, [myself included] that you sacrificed your only begotten son so that we may all live. 

Your word says that love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8

Your word says hatred stirs up strife, But love covers and overwhelms all transgressions [forgiving and overlooking another’s faults.] Proverbs 10:12.

Your word says she who believed and confidently trusted that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her. Luke 1:45.

The Cross of Calvary carried Jesus to death, where he took the place of all of us. Then three days later he rose again, and conquered the very thing the enemy paralyzed us flawed humans to believe we’ll never be set free from: death. As saints on assignments we are set free to see, and believe to receive what God wants us to achieve. 

For the longest God I clung to your word, and actively chose to live by your biblical truth. I actively chose to rise above in love. But 131 is a coded eroded beginning of that ugly backwards hat, in the drunkenness spat for the wrong hues of two to be undone; to never to be the see of His Truth. Even after the coded eroded 131, I fought to choose to lose the ruse of refuse. Even after the departure of where I said yes to you on the greatest day of my life 404. I fought to not feed the bleed of my wrong seed weeds with my internal life. But then the strife I walked through at work, was a hurt I was convinced had no worth. So the string broke, and all the stings I’ve ever felt made me want to melt. It’s all too much and I don’t believe I can handle all of this anymore. According to you God that’s not true. But all that occurred so far, was evoked chokes that made me feel so provoked. 

Triggers that were bigger than me, made me want to flee. I was no longer blind, but now I see. God wanted me to be free, but I didn’t want to be. I felt like there were welts of being a recurring punching bag for the last time. Love felt so abused by everyone around me that fought to press play in the decay of ruse and refuse. Rising above and choosing love feels like personal vandalism now. Rising above and choosing love feels like I’m 19 all over again, and my life is about to forever change, (which it did) from a fated night that makes me sometimes want to take a heaven bound flight.

How I feel is a reel that doesn’t work for you God. My pumped up chest can no longer be in distress, because you love me so much God to express what I fight to confess. God you’re determined to make me see, I’m set free and I choose to believe. It’s interesting that you’ve been on a mission to speak to me through my kiddos. They are the greatest part of my agonizing life. I love my students so much. They’re beautiful babies full of potential, and all I want to do is shield them from this broken horrible world. This decaying planet is full of disobeying flesh led maggots I call pale scaled adult humans. Adult humans are jaded and want you God to be faded.

So what’s up with you speaking to me through my babies about this “#bae2017” my kiddos named, and are convinced is coming soon. I’m like so indifferent about adult human love, that I no longer believe it’s for me. At least that is one of my greatest wrestles with you God. At first you only had two of my kiddos talking about this supposed guy coming. Now you’re really trying to show off God by making a huge chunk of my kiddos tell me about this “#bae2017” that’s supposedly coming. Well then do you God and just show off. Clearly you’re grown God and will do as you deemed fit. 

What really blew my mind was them seeing what I want: to be alone with cats, and an apartment. I no longer believe adult humans respect true love, or understand this is only found from Above. The hiss and diss of drunkenness sin is found in worldly bounds like the coded eroded 131. I didn’t tell anyone that I want cats and an apartment. I want to be left alone. I ignored Jojo* seeing this, because she’s my best friend; but my kiddos seeing that? I can’t ignore this anymore. My babies aren’t my friends so I’d never tell them that. That’s what convinced me God, that you surrounded me with mini prophets. You’re such a show off God. Such a show off. 

“The end is near. The end is here.”

The end of what? Earth? Finally. Humans are ungrateful [myself included.] humans want to be bold in the coldness of drunkenness, and the half way decay of pressing play in yesterday. Humans are in a ruse to fuse the refuse to patrol a control that should only be of God; not the flesh of allured no cure confess facade. Supernatural is so weird, and the foolishness of God is hard to stand strong in alone. However, I can’t go back to who I used to be. 

Your Presence is heaven to me. I’m set free because I finally see you’re all I need God. So why show me this he you keep claiming is for me, especially when he actively made a choice that silenced your voice God? July 4th was my mental switch to finally get the message: the world is more important to this he I believe you should stop saying is for me. But you want me to still believe God, when I’m like this has to be some sick twisted facade. But then Jojo sharpened me and reminded me, that you’re not a God that operates like that. She also said I need to surrender my expectations of this he you keep claiming is for me despite what is seen. 

“It’s true, you’re blue times two the true hue. you will see. he will be set free.” 

According to me, he’s privacy and lies and hides the swelling wells dwelling inside. But God the swelling wells dwelling inside need to die. They’re all drunken snapshots of confetti in fail pale scaled attempts to replace the space of this he’s empty. 131 is a coded eroded disobey of yesterday to never press end in pretend. The decay of delay is this isolated stranded sand of this wrong hue of two, no holy matrimony quicksand. mrs. off the stage, also known as wrong she, fed the violent and silent waged-caged rage of this broken he. You God keep saying is for me when all I want to do is choose to flee. 131 is a coded eroded time that shows this wrong she as a rewind in this he’s mind. Loops will always be troops that feed the wrong seed weed delusion conclusions. 

I’m in this space you want to replace with love, well God I think I’m tired of rising above in love with adult humans. The message has been received from this he you so call say is for me, and Jojo, honestly every adult human. So all I can do is channel my love where it’s appreciated, and not taken advantage of: love is from Above so I choose to focus on the youth because I’m honestly too through. The greatest part of my life in this current strife, makes me drift to switch to focus on a made up happiness like yummy strudels. I’m also always lingering to draw doodles. Some of the ways I get through the day. 

My main focus is your beautiful youth. I don’t know what to do, or how to move about where I stand with adult humans. So I decide to surrender all my hurts even the ones that have no worth, according to me. In my plight I fight to no longer be stronger in a solo limited might. You’re better than me God so as scary as it is to let go of my “I’m shielded” against adult humans, I say yes to you God. I have no clue what you’re about to do, or even how you’re even about to move in Jojo and I with our sisterhood that’s strong because of you only. But I trust and believe in you, because you will always be my anchor in truth God. I love you so much Dad. 

P.S. I see that the coded eroded 131 is 1 + 3 + 1 is five. And I immediately drift to Renegade’s blog, in Harlem at the corner of 112, and that building Jojo and I saw across the street from Columbia. Is all of this another Hidden Detail Dad?

“It is.” 

Okay, all I can do is wait and be still like I’ve been doing. Thanks for being consistent Dad. Thanks for knowing me so well, and far better than I will ever know myself. Thanks for showing me what love really is. Thanks for setting the bar so high. Just thank you God. 

Love your daughter. 

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

Quicksand

Everything involving God is so sacred, and so sensitive. God wants us to pay attention to the fact that we as man, are so sensitive with what we wear, what we eat, and where we worship. 

Why do we not take the same sensitivity to the temples of our body? Why is it that society has made a mockery that’s followed by many, especially privately to disgrace the space that God is saying to be still & wait? 

Sex before marriage will always lead to the savage of damaged; even if the said couple falls into a legalized lie called marriage. 

This hit it and quit it misfit will always be a deception and misconception. This two strand quicksand will never be lasting, because a marriage is an edification, not a check list or fashion statement. Marriage is God’s Ministry.

Marriage is an edification to minister to the world: God is the third strand that connects the land of two flesh becoming one. 

So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate. Matthew 19:6. 

Two flesh will only be the see of one when God ordained and blesses. God will never bless fornication. God will never bless sex before marriage. And God will never bless when two go into a union unprepared and unaware:  leaning on the glean and mean of man, and the lies of popularity, who missed the mark in the dark of purpose.

Finding a leader that’s a bleeder to this wrong seed weed in a church, doesn’t make the stake of fake holy. And finding a leader that’s a bleeder to justify that suffocating lie, doesn’t change this hurt will never have any worth, no matter how much man puts in work. And a false prophet who makes it hobbit, in a messy no unity community, is not of God; that false prophet who made it hobbit is just a flesh god facade preaching the leeching of mirage and self-sabotage. 

This legalized two flesh never coming as one, is hypnotized and paralyzed by the lies that hide well inside, and were swallowed in a hallow sorrow of no tomorrow. Today is a present, which makes this day a scared place and a gift. satan is the stealer of joy, and the stealer of real, which makes satan the stealer of today. satan pushes the rush and fuss of always decaying in the yesterday of delay, dismay, and disobey to never enter better together today. There is security in the purity of God. So we as man must reject the worldly prospect of flesh god facades. This space is a disgrace of lying chaotic, robotic, and toxic logic.

That choice is the wrong voice, and will always bleed wrong seed weeds. This bleed in wrong seed weed will never replace the space of empty, with this toxin popularity of “The Alice and Wonderland,” loop of droned cloned troops to regularity being the blind prideful in corruptive confetti. 

A stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall. They stumble because they disobey the message–which is also what they were destined for. 1 Peter 2:8. 

Disobeying and delaying our destiny to press play on the eject of purpose, and to play the forced course of popularity, doesn’t make the routine of mean, lean, and glean featuring a wrong she God’s Regularity. That’s just a faded lust turned to rust in a secondary expiring reasoned season, that will eventually be history in that man made misery. Misery and sharing that decaying company, doesn’t make the stake of fake forever or better together. 

Only God prunes and fine tunes, not the cling to put on wrong rings or to feed a bleed of wrong seed weeds. Lust will never be love, it’s a hype that fades faster that a rushing wave, that sucks man in like the vortex of a rabbit hole crazed in a hazed maze. That’s a reel of suffocating stings. Choose to lose the world to rise above in love. Fight to cling to sing in God’s Wings. Don’t feed the worldly need to be trapped in the zap, of dead lead wrong pair of wedding rings that will always sting. Or even that backwards hat that will always feel like a trap that makes one want to forever nap. 

satan is on a mission to steal the permission to have man be quicksand in sleepwalking. This is the space of fake break and take. satan cannot afford to have man awaken, the world must be shaken and paralyzed by lies that hide well inside. Wrong couples in wrong hues of two, wearing wrong wedding rings makes managing chaos easier for satan. Wrong couples in wrong hues of two, is the army that satan wants to rise and hypnotize, by the persistent assistance in false prophets who make it hobbit: to press play in the decay of yesterday to never be better together in today. 

If all else fails in His Hidden Details, God still prevails. God will go in the rabbit hole to show the truth: we all need God. We as man will never survive in the divide of dying lying quicksand. No accountability suffocates the integrated necessity called maturity. We all have to show up in the place called grow up. Immaturity is no productivity, connectivity, or sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. 

Maturity only comes when we as man stand in the quicksand to hold God’s hand above man, and accept humility will always be a godly unity. Not a no unity night community, that is an ugly backwards hat, and an opportunity to feed the bleed of wrong seed weeds. That is an ugly that’s funky, and will never be better together or forever, because only God can make the stake of fake into all things new. Only God is true. Only God can say: today it’s not too late, do not hesitate to take my hand, and stand in my Kingdom Land. 

Survival will never be God’s revival. We must thrive in the rejecting of our neglecting to no longer be stronger in hiding what’s inside. We must be in pursuit to refuse the ruse of coldly not boldly. 

The stone the builders ejected has become the cornerstone. Psalm 118:22; 1 Peter 2:7.

That maze fades in a radiating rust of dust, and in the thrills of no gills with cheap lemonade. Only God can breathe life into the nostrils of dust: He is the Great I Am. The loop of crazed daze will never be: Jesus as The Renegade. Follow the bow, and allow the show of pretend to finally end. 

Every knee shall bow. Every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Philippians 2:10-11.

Be still beautiful saints it takes time, and great courage to let go of what society has marked man to be the standard go in never growing. Mans go will always be God’s no. Pay attention to the details: that’s God’s greatest reveals, and hidden conceals of satan’s red flags. satan is glad to create hesitate in pale scales prevail. 

We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us. Philippians 4:13.

Let go and grow into the image that God created all of us to be. We are all His Chosen, and God has a plan for all of us. It’s up to us as man to take a stand, and allow the bow to let go of the show called status and money chasing. Let go of the no to the unknown. Reject the yes to distressed droned clone of known. That choice will always be man’s voice, leaving the peeling feelings of confused, fearful, and alone. 

That is a pale scale that blinds the need to release the displease of the wrong seed weeds. Growth is hurt but growth has worth only when God is going before us. The worldly hurt is suffocating, isolating, and manipulating. 

But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 1 Peter 2:20.

Through God pain has gain only. So pause the cause of leaning on man’s limited mind and words. All that does is create the buzz of rewind in time and cultivate hurt with no worth. 

Who has ever heard of such things? 

Who has ever seen things like this?

Can a country be born in a day

or a nation be brought forth in a moment? 

Yet no sooner is Zion in labor 

than she gives birth to her children. Isaiah 66:8.

Giving all to God is key, it gives room for God to fight for us, and to make a way in today; not the sorrow of no tomorrow. Pain has gain through God only saints. Accept godly respect and His Intellect. Decide to no longer hide in the cry to neglect: no respect is a hurt with no worth prospect. The self inflicts of those wrong rings, mutes the voice to sing in His Wings. The disrespect in that two strands ugly backwards hat, is a disgrace space that will never replace shame or lame. That will always be a worldly tranquil and dying trap. The two wrong hues will never be true. Only God can reveal the concealed to fully heal. Man will always break, take and suffocate when the hearts are far from God. It’s the modern day Pharaoh hardened heart. Only God can turn a heart of stone to flesh.  Not popularity in regularity, and not a routine that’s mean, lean, and glean. Only God can set souls free in faithful belief to finally see.

God ordained is never arranged after premarital sex in a hush hush to never discuss rushed wedding dress. The Pearly White doesn’t negate the sinful internal fight. God makes all new not man who ignores what’s true. Repentance is the gateway to His Inheritence. The wrong pair of rings will always sting. Marriage after premarital sex will always be savaged damage, if God is not behind the two that decide to do what’s best: in a distress under pressure. Planting seeds that’s weeds still burn out, and fade to clear the foggy haze in the daze that’s crazed. 

Only God keeps the flame of love strong and going in growing. Nothing survives without the strand of God’s Revives. The mismatch that man said go, will always be the decay in disobey when God will always say no. Thinking in man will always create the sinking of quicksand. Quicksand will always be damaged savage wrong path math of two hues that will never be true. God has better, so take His Hand to see His Forever. God loves you so much saints, so do I because He taught me to. And I want to. 

Love your sister Crysta. 

Alignment 

Dear Dad,

Delaying my obeying through this dismay, in the popular decay around me, moves the ground and makes me want to flee. I’m over and under, in this drowning plunder, of cheap self made lemonade. Those call your chosen, allow in their hallow swallow, avoidance to their bow. Worldly confinement is in the space of the place to His Alignment. I’m tired, and wired because sleep is deep, and I avoid counting sheep where God and I meet. There’s a heavy lead of dread, from my residue of what’s simply not true. Corruptive confetti will never replace the space of empty. A hit it and quit it will never be made legit, through the protest of no confess and the distress of a last dance becoming a legal stance. There’s no tomorrow in the choice in the voice of sorrow. False prophets made it hobbit to peel the reel to never feel. Wrong rings will always sting because God said no in the go of man. This will never be a biblical stand. 

I am really tired God. This wilderness is so real. There’s no breaks in what you’re constantly showing me is at great stake. That’s okay, I choose your Obey, but your wrestle with me, prevents me to flee from what I don’t want to see. This is career five or six, you’re removing my groove to move on, and create a new song. You’re retuning my pruning, to no longer be stronger in my redirect to neglect your fine tuning. In my gauge I usually turn the page, and quickly disengage. To my dismay, I can’t delay or turn from this stage. You reject my rage. I must face what makes me feel disgraced. My salute can no longer be mute. I must express my defense and what greatly makes me stressed. 

My obsession in my lack of confession is being dismantled by you God. My flesh god facade can no longer be my mirage of self sabotage. You God let me live, for a very long time, in my sorrow to avoid tomorrow. Today is the way, to face my dismay, and no longer be stronger in disobey. It’s not okay to call out the fall outs of my screams, shouts, and hidden pouts through me, that I sometimes see. It’s not okay to be in dismay, to those that choose night community in no real love unity. Especially when, you’ve ruined my running zen God, and my ability to press play in pretend. 

This is the hardest season I’ve ever professionally had to walk. Not because I’m an apprentice reacher through my current assignment as teacher, but because all the issues I’ve avoided in past careers, are coming out full throttle in this current painful season. There’s so much going on that’s case sensitive where you’ve changed my ability in transparency, to stay in my desire to be biblically aligned to order. Thank you for my growth in writing God. Sometimes I can figure out where you’re leading us through words, and other times like now, I just walk through the unknown knowing you go before me. Like your three vessels in Daniel 3. That’s one of my favorite references of biblical faith. I feel very closely to that journey now. I feel like I’m walking through a scorching fire from all angles and three people are here: me, Jojo and you God. You keep covering us in the madness of our lives.

I’ve been in and out of having a head cold for about two months now. I’m struggling. It’s really hard. I have no insurance, because I have no time to actually fill that stuff out. I had to wait until November to come, now it’s here but my health is just not something that’s a priority to me. I’m not a priority to me. It’s kind of hard making me important, because I’ve been effected by so much that went down in the last two years of my life. That this recent pain, triggers pains from my past. I just want to keep moving, and leave New York completely. 

I’m over everything. I’m over the politics at my job. I’m over the politics of church, which I learned about from my old church. I’ve been deeply affected by my experience of my old church, that I’m so traumatized to serve at my new church. Acts of service is a strong love language for me. I love showing people how much I love to love by serving. But I don’t want the insanity of my schedule to clear, because then I’ll no longer have the legitimate excuse to not have time to serve. I no longer want to serve because of my old church. It’s sad that I like no one knows me at my new church. It’s even sadder I’m so happy to no longer be at my old church, because I will never see some of them ever again. With the exception of the few gems that showed me love. I’ll be okay with never ever seeing a lot of them ever again. 

I went to an event last weekend, where I encountered a lot of people from my old church. Seeing the rare gems that showed me love was nice, but I was very concerned with seeing those that weren’t so nice. Thank GOD it was just a wonderful worship experience for me. Thank GOD that in my mind it was a lot worse than it actually was. Going to this event brought me great anxiety. I was so stressed out about it. And not being a hundred percent doesn’t do any good to my health. 

I have this cough that deeply stresses out my dad and Jojo* to the point they’re on my case and it annoys me. They are both getting on my nerves, like why can’t they just ignore I’m sick like I try to? I don’t get it. But then I have to remember, that not everyone deflects like I do. And I have to remember people love me. I have to remember despite everything people care about me. I’m so happy that the event last week, was all about Jesus and worship for me. I love Jesus and I love worship. I love singing. I miss singing sometimes. 

I used to be apart of a music honor society as a child in my community, where I played the congas and xylophone. I also sang in this community. I got invited to play, and perform in Paris when I was 13 years old. My mom is super paranoid. At first my dad was on board with me going to Paris, but then my mom convinced my dad I’d be kidnapped, and sold into slavery so my dad didn’t allow me to go. I stopped talking to my mom the whole summer, because I was convinced she ruined my life. I’m alignment to God now. I realized I was being protected, from the unknown confinements of the world. My mom was protecting me. My mom is one of my protectors.

When I was a part of this music community, It was the best traveling all over with my band that was my family to just be free in music. It was the absolute best. But the meanness of this world, and getting hurt by pockets of so many moments in life, made me pull out from singing and playing instruments. I was done. I put down a lot of my abilities, because of discouragement. The brokenness of this planet to just break a human, and take without letting up is real. That’s why I don’t trust easily. That’s why it’s hard for me to forgive and forget. Because I refuse to feed the weed of ruse, and let any human think they can make me sink ever again. I’m upward falling in the wings of my King who makes my soul sing. 

That’s one of the many reasons why I left my old church, and why I want to leave my current job. I just want to move to an isolated mountain in the middle of nowhere, and be around no one except for God and Jojo* people break, and take like leeches with their poisonous speeches. I’m tired. I’m just tired of the nonsense of politics, being in all facets of my life, that I don’t want to be touched: work and church. My church hurt is real. There’s so much concealed, and not revealed. I’m a woman of peace, and I’m a woman of order. There’s a serious level of delicacy that is tied to my alignment to God, and all that I walked through from the flesh god facades of so many mirages. There’s a lot going on that I must express in a godly manner. Because I’m a daughter to the Highest King. I’m a woman of God.

This election has deeply affected me. It has brought so much emotions that I’ve buried to the surface. My life forever changed the night of my 19th year of life, where I was sexually assaulted. I’m tired of being easily triggered by a moment of time that’s far gone from my everyday life. A century changed and there are moments where that night feels like yesterday. To me it shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t still be having nightmares, and panic attacks over something that happened to me 14 years ago. That’s ridiculous to me. Jojo shouldn’t of witnessed a panic attack, because this election triggered so much that’s tied to that night of my life. Before Jojo seeing that panic attack, I was able to hide them from everyone around me. The blog posts I wrote at my new church, was me working through mild panic attacks. 

I have mild panic attacks and severe ones, like the one Jojo witnessed this past Wednesday was severe. The severe ones I cannot breathe. God entered her, and she coached me to breathe, and walk through my panic attacks. We were late to class because of it. I told my professor, which shocked me and she said it’s okay she understands. I don’t talk about a lot that I hide on the inside. I don’t like that Jojo saw that. I don’t like that I’ve been fighting to regain a control, I believe was stolen from me that night when I was 19. I don’t like that God is making me face all that I see as a disgrace. God is showing me this is all a part of my pace in His Race. I don’t like that all that I thought will never be revealed will stay forever concealed. To my dismay God is no longer allowing me to believe that lie because it makes me die inside. 

This wasn’t a part of God’s plan: me dying from lying. I’m not always okay when I say. I need to take a stand, in His Land and trust that God will always be My Band. God keeps surrounding me with gems, and people I can be free around. God keeps blessing me with iron sharpeners like Jojo, as my best friend. A God fearing best friend I’ve been praying to have for years, even before I meet her. My bubbly confetti never ever replaced my space of lonely empty. Through all these years, I just got better at hiding my tears and fears. 

I became a dame in hiding my shame that makes me feel lame. Thank GOD this facade is no longer a self made lemonade mirage. There’s deliverance in my hinderance called surrender. I no longer choose worldly confine in my silence, because it’s not a godly alliance. I choose to free-fall in my pitfall. I choose to sing through my stings, and swings of the conundrum of my pendulum. My stigmas are no longer enigmas. Thank you God for being my anchor. I love you so much world, because He taught me too. Don’t lose heart saints. Remain steadfast. Remain unmoved: Psalm 46. Thy rod and thy staff comforts. Psalm 23. Love Crysta.

Love your daughter,

*names changed for privacy reasons. #TeamProPrivacy 

 

Nonconformist 

Dad,

This is the hardest season you have my sister Jojo* and I walking through, to date. Thank God, we have each other walking through as sharpeners in the sadness of our madness. Thank God we can uplift each other through these very challenging, and unspeakable times. We’re mired in the peeling feeling of our wired pain, because the be to our see is a three year no gain. What we see as our bane in this long song is our transform from this worldly conform; by the renewal of our minds. Romans 12:2. Only you God are True.

You’re halting the self made faulting of our rewind in time. It’s not 2005, or 2015 so the reel and the peels of these scratching heels is truly the past, let it no longer last: the missed mark of dark is truly Your Spark. There’s no tranquility in the conformity of pale scales prevailing. They’re ailing the choice, to allow the follow in your dominant voice. The looping reels we peel to feel, are self made lemonade reacting to these ribcage stages, of suffocating wages. They’re caged too, and doesn’t change they are also true. Just like you God. So our flesh god facades are no longer stronger. They don’t work, because you are near and far. You are the Great I Am. And in your command we stand as your unified band, to edify this broken land. What Jojo and I push to neglect; you lovely correct with your graceful suggest, to show us the press flow in go of worldly reject. There’s no disconnect, despite our protest because only God confirms the affirm of His Return. 

Man cannot stand, that Jojo and I are a unified godly band, going on seven years in these hidden tears. In our fears, our sisterhood always seeks God in all facades he calls us, to spark in hidden darks as His Covered Marks. In our hiccups we make up, and remember that we are lenders and senders, in the mundane routine of everyday mean. We are saints on assignments, in this solitary confinement, in this fall, all truly need to see His Alignment to be set free. What’s done in the dark will always come to light. Press play in fight, and clinging to all His Singing Might. November 5th is the shift, in the flesh god facades, nightly unity rifts will never ever be of God. There’s only unity in the maturation, and penetration of His Humility. There’s no room for hesitation. Just dedication and the absurdity, of the nonconformist-lyrics of His Painted Gain, through our written poetic pain. Isaiah 66:9. Only you God are Above Time.

Every angle in this scorching fire, called this season both Jojo and I are walking overwhelms us. Like your saints in Daniel 3, we are not getting burned because you go before us. There is a peace we both feel, that surpasses all understanding. For your rod and thy staff comforts us. Psalm 23:4. My mom used to read the Bible to my brother and I, to get us to fall asleep, and she read Psalm 23 to us every night, from memory. Her mom: my late amazing grandmother, pushed her to memorize this scripture power, because she recited it to my mom and her sister growing up. As much as my mom irritates me, she’s a flawed woman of strong faith. Just like my grandmother was, just like my dad is. 

God has been walking me through breaking my habits of worldly perceptions on how I see flawed humans. My weeds make me bleed out, and shout in pouts of brokenness. It’s not healthy for anyone around me, and definitely not healthy for those that I go hard for and love. I’m so protective, and I so love hard. I’m all about God, sisterhood, brotherhood, my family and human unity. I’m just like my dad in the belief that God made us all the same. But the world chooses to press a play, which is really a decay and a delay, in the plane Jane lane of shame and lame. 

I’m tired of being obedient, and I’m tired of crying. The worlds confetti will never ever replace the space of our inner empty. Words always hide what’s inside, when we choose to let them be the see, or press play in refuse through fear to rise above in love. So we choke on the provoke of ruse. It’s unpopular to choose to lose the patrol in control. It’s unpopular to be appalled in the fake call, of the lying decor of dying. It’s popular to be mute and dilute the half way tribute, to give a suffocating hibernating salute to somewhat all. I decided enough is enough. But that’s a flesh god facade, that my King is making me walk out, in my stings and shout outs, because only God makes me sing. I avoid feeling and loving, because when I’m caught off guard, that drop of betrayal is so painful. Like what I felt before I left my old church too many times to count. And according to Crysta there’s no gain, in that recovery of deliberate pain. People suck and they’re fake, in the replay reel of break and take. But guess what? I’m a prison in this schism too. I’m not removed from the groove of being too cool, for the school of rejecting being a fool. I’m a people too. This truth is about me too. 

If I have my own fine tuning pruning process, then so does everyone else on this planet. I don’t get to decide how my lies die, and neither does anyone else. The truth that Jojo and I choose to to cling to every night, and day is our obey in Your Okay. Where you lead my sister and I, we keep saying yes. Where two or more are gathered, that’s where your presences dwells. Matthew 18:20. 

I had a dream the other night about my brother, a white man I never meet called my brothers name. And this white man went to a door he was looking at, when he called my brothers name. I immediately went to the door, and this white man whispered in my ear, “Slide over there three days ago,” at first I said that makes no sense, God moves forward not backwards, satan is the thief of time, and Jesus is our restorer. Then I thought about the Cross of Calvary. Jesus died and rose in three days. Jesus is the voice of hope, and the conquer of death. Then I woke up and the rising of Jesus, where all things are new, has just been very heavy on my heart the last few days. Today, God lead me to Matthew 20:18-19, which discusses Jesus’ resurrection. 

This is the blog post I had no desire to write. I’m tired of obeying God, and everything is getting harder in my life. I’m like flip this walk. Seriously. I wanted to walk away October 16th, then God made his son, my brother in Christ call me as he just read my life. I haven’t even told him that details of the two biggest mountains of my life: this ribcage stressor, and what my family is going through, but he knew all the details. This son of yours just straight prophesied over my life. I really appreciate this son of yours God, and his sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. This son of yours literally pops up, when I’m too through with this walk, like this morning as well. This obedient son of yours, once again text me a timely message, right after my dad blew my mind, with what he said about the human body. Like I SEE you God. You’re making your presence very strong, and very clear in my presence and in my space. 

Regardless of how too through Jojo and I are, of this insane assignment at this specific school, you keep telling us to hold on. And to hang in there and we are both like no, defiance has a facade of flesh god alliances. So let’s jump on that bandwagon too. But that’s just not our truth, neither of us were created to hibernate in the separation of you God. You keep us from drinking the kool-aid, You keep pushing us to reject the dead in dread of that poisonous lead. Instead, we keep pressing play in obey, because You Say eject the decay in delay. We both allow the bow to the truth of Your Proof: every knee shall bow. Psalm 22:27. 

Wisdom will always be better than the withering of popularity. Popularity isn’t bigger than Purpose. Our neglect will always be a redirect by God, because God allows all, to cause us to fall, so that we can give our all. Death of flesh is far better to celebrate than the beginning of newfound life. Ecclesiastes 7:1. Anyone can do well when we are up, what happens whenever we are down and out!? Do we all go to God then!? Everyday is the risk of not falling in the trap, to be zapped in decay of yesterday. Salvation is a one time gift, however surrender is a daily revival. There’s deliverance in the hinderance called our surrender. So don’t choke on the easy yolk, allow the fearful evoke and provoke to be your see so that you can be set free, finally. Take His Hand. 

Dad this is so hard, I deeply dislike a huge chunk of this insane season. Jojo just wants total out. I’m desperate to cling to the hope of this hopelessness, and it’s getting harder. The lies are getting louder, and my cries feel like closed walls in this pitfall. The flames just look so hot, but you protect me so don’t stop. Keep protecting Jojo, too. I keep saying yes, despite my desire to fallback in attacks, and say yes to the road that has nothing to do to my call. I will confine and discern what you keep showing me, so that I can continue to be your lighter and your fighter. I know Jojo will fight to keep choosing you too, despite her desires. You are Higher. Isaiah 55:8 so don’t hesitate to keep showing both of us it will never be too late. I love you because you’re truth God. There’s no fear here, not anymore. You keep showing me that I fully say go, in this free fall of giving my all. 

Love your daughter.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

Unpopular 

Dear Dad,

Psalm 18:23. This is the most challenging task for us flawed, natural born sinners, who are wired to miss our mark that sparks us in this world of deep dark. I’m including myself in this great challenge, there are days I’m totally like this is a joke, because seeing the choking fear provoking the evoke to choose flesh in those around me, deeply discourages me. No one is confessing sin and professing Jesus’ Great Name. It’s unpopular to choose our purpose. 

What’s the point of this fight God? That’s where my broken heart is at. However you have me up God, meditating in my blueprint I haven’t wanted to chew on at all lately. I’m over all of this. You keep showing me dreams, and visions that are unpopular to my purpose. What my naked eyes sees, is purpose being mocked and ignored by this wrong she season, that son of yours voices in his flesh god choices. However, this biblical vessel in verse 23, is truth and demonstrates great hope. 

We live in times of a desperate need to believe in hope again. There’s too much disruption in this quest of popularity. Purpose is unpopular. My stance on this current worldly chaos: be careful where you keep your focus. You’ll one day wake up in a world of lustful locus; where there’s a rift in the shift of flesh god facades. Exactly what ms. 17 is exposing now, in her she who findeth not he, season that she follows in her hallow swallow reason with mr. mean, lean and glean. There’s a deep selfishness to stick to lies,  exude the rude in us chosen God. Please excuse the refuse in disobeying Your Okay in today. Please forgive the sniff in pressing play on the yesterday for today. 

The loops and the hoops of many of your troops, are pressing play on dilute. Kool-Aid is not wine but your broken chosen presses play on rewind, to lay in the decay of unsatisifed laid. To many in dismay, the push is still miserable disobey. Especially this wrong she reason, your specific son keeps pressing play in this expired season, regardless how much he’s losing this is what he’s choosing. This son of yours is still refusing. This son of yours is still alluding to the lying, that he’s pressing play on his decay of dying. All because his patrol is never losing control. Congrats for pressing play on brat with that ugly misfit hit it, and quit it hat.

The world is currently darker than dark. The world is chaotic and robotic. There’s a psychotic in the missed mark of dark being ignored. When flesh god facades speak louder truth than aloof, your chosen has the audacity to be pressing play on the decay speaking the reeking in floored. Pressing play in the disobey of rejecting and neglecting your godly Proof. Unlike what this vessel, the choice was: to be unpopular in Psalm 18. 

In current times, a brave vessel of yours was murdered in Asia the other night to send North Korea a message of fear!? That beautiful soul was bold enough to spread the word of Jesus, and was killed because of it. I cried myself to sleep after reading what happened. I’m sick of crying God. I’m sick of meditating and memorizing the Bible. I’m sick of beefing with you about that specific son of yours you keep showing me every other week. I’m sick of praying. I’m sick of rising above, and choosing love. It hurts. Seeing all, in this flesh god fall, and believing what I’m receiving hurts. I’m tired of hurting. My tears are unpopular. Truth is unpopular. The Holy Spirit is unpopular. What happened to obedience and true love? Why is flesh god facades of radiating rust in fading lust the popular voice of decayed dismayed dust?

This dilution, will never be a solution. But pale scales are the choice in the silent voice of your broken chosen. Like mr. mean, lean and glean featuring that very tired and wired ms. 17. ms. 17 is staged in the wages of this current ages. The rapid growth in the smoke of this deadly flesh is being evoked to provoke the choking both these chosen are hiding. The decay is an oblivious dismay despite the signs that show, these two will never ever be aligned. This pretend it’s at its end, it’s time to press send in God’s go to cancel this cancerous pitfall show. 

This mockery is just one of many on this planet, clinging to be popular so press play in die and lie, to neglect the ejected of the why. Why’s lead to purpose, because God walks us through the weeds that make us bleed. God paid the price in blood at Calvary through Jesus. This is why adoption is our inheritance. Jesus came to undo what paralyzing fear did to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden: create sleepwalking sin, and grieve the Holy Spirit. The Cross of Calvary was the victory in death, so that we may live and love. Self made turmoil is not the purpose God has for us. However, the broken condition of this world, and its potent theme of break and take, makes purpose unpopular.  

The mockery of God’s Great Name is so heartbreaking. This mockery is so insulting. The godly task to actually rise above, and choose the love of the Holy Spirit and His wisdom is barely happening in today’s time. That’s why there’s so much spiritually dead Christian’s walking around, like kryptonite sniffing junkies, with the Holy Spirit grieving on inside. 

Nonbelievers will never understand with all this division in Christianity. There’s a desperate need of unity that’s deliberately being missed. It’s the biggest diss to God ever. Christians on fire for Christ are being mocked and murdered. No one wants to be made fun of or die, because we love Jesus. So there’s all this lying. There’s a great fear to serve God in full obedience. 

That’s why there’s so much lukewarm oblivion talks, with matching diluted walks that’s happening. Pretty much what this vessel went through in verse 23. Time changed but the circumstance remained the same. Humans want to press play in lame and shame. The most challenging task that Jesus died for, is still not being executed today: freedom. This disheartening truth hurts. There’s a discomforting feeling, to push to be a Christian. 

These days, we are ostracized or we are told we are wrong, or we are warned not to be spiritually weird. I’ve heard that all and then some personally. But the part that breaks my heart the most is Your chosen being lead to live a life You God never setup for them. Popularity became more powerful than Your Purpose. Words don’t personally break me anymore. I’m an athlete that’s acquired a high level of mental fortitude, because of my upbringing and God first and foremost. Broken people break and take, that’s what blindness in flesh does. I psychologically, and spiritually understand this truth, that the world is broken and wants to break in chaos. 

Not everyone is where I’m at. My concern is what happens to those that aren’t where I am!? Prayer is what I cling to. Prayer doesn’t feel like it’s enough sometimes. Everything is getting worse. I can’t breathe in this wrench of flesh god facades. It’s like we must be a Jesus following Renegade, because those that say yes for real reject the popular cheap lemonade floating around. I know I do. I’ll never pause when the Holy Spirit will always be my cause. This still feels impossible with all this blatant sin in disobedience, and all this cold blooded murdering happening. Thank God we serve a God who parts the Red Sea of impossible, to I’m possible. God is the Great I Am. Lord I pray for a spirit of courage and boldness, to wash over all your chosen on this planet. Lord I bind the spirit of fear, and the scales this paralyzing distraction called flesh god facade produces in the blood of Jesus. Amen. Thank you God for being consistent God. Thank you for pushing me to be unpopular. I love you so much Dad.

Love your daughter. 

Flesh

Do not harden your heart when we hear His voice…Hebrews 4:7. This scripture power jumped out and was brought to life, which is why I’m typing biblical journaling now. Words swim in my head, and I discern and pray to my King, when and where should these words be brought to life. 

How many of us out here are blatantly ignoring your voice God? The way our flesh executes, this disobedience looks very sparadic. Flesh today is mirroring to the book of revelations. Total chaos, man playing gods by creating, their own deluded duplication, of what their life should look like. All because we ignore your voice God. The bottom line is, we think we are better gods than you Precious Creator. And so many of your children, practice this act of flesh god for various reasons. The commonality remains the same: fear. 

So many of us are running from our callings, or the promptings of whom you picked for us, because your will doesn’t fit our expectation, or we are just too afraid to speak up and say, “God told me _____.” The flesh is so weak. We are flesh. We are broken made to peace, but only achieve this believe of peace, through the surrender and acceptance of your will. Anything else is a cheap imitation with suffocating limitations. The bottom line is, we are all caught up in afraid to admit, that we understand God’s voice. Because God’s voice in our lives does not match popularity and worldly status. 

We don’t want to hear, “that’s just a feeling,” or “clearly you’re wrong.” This is being expressed from spiritual leadership. What if we are not wrong and we are the ones in spirit? What if said leader is wrong, and the one operating in flesh? Control is flesh. Fear is flesh. Being a creature of habit is flesh. Avoiding growth, through never embracing changes, new seasons or people? That’s definitely flesh too. So what happens in these very real cases then?! Church hurt is real, and so is spiritual warfare, which isn’t discussed enough. There’s a dangerous dismissal, of the seriousness of spiritual warfare. 

Well disguised distractions, in our lives, are also very real; we could be too caught up in scales, to push through, and prevail by allowing God to tear that veil. We could be wrongfully guided, to abide in what God is telling us to exit, because we should have never entered in the first place. Because we ignored God’s warnings and chose flesh instead. Then what shall we do as your fellow chosen then? 

We press on, boldly not coldly, to trust and believe, for your ways are higher than our ways. Isaiah 55. You make a way God, when there seems to be none. If you can part the Red Sea in Exodus? Then nothing is too big for you God. You have all over our blueprint, known as The Holy Bible, that you speak to all of your children intimately, and specifically. Everyone thought David was crazy but he beat Goliath. David didn’t put man above the word, you spoke to him no matter the pushback. David was obnoxiously bold in his walk and faith. That couldn’t of been easy for David. Imagine being young, trusting God and His voice above anyone, that rejects this truth, because they are in their flesh?! That was David’s walk. He wasn’t the only one. Abram who was rich, with a world of gods and lots of flesh, chose to trust God. He followed God’s voice and he was alone. 

Abram became Abraham, because of his radical faith. He was flawed too, and went ahead of God even in his radical faith. The flesh is very weak. We as humans are flesh, and are very weak. That’s how the son he had outside of Sarai, (who later became Sarah) was born. Flesh. Impatient, and dangerous flesh, caused Abraham to go ahead of God. God still only blessed Isaac, because only Sarah was Abraham’s soulmate. Not Haggai. God ordains one woman and one man, no matter what the humans execute in flesh. 

Abraham didn’t even get to live, to see all the promises that God kept his word on. Abraham didn’t choose his flesh in faith, he walked in spirit to climb to faith. Despite his moments in flesh, Abraham still chose God and the voice of God. Everyone thought Abraham was crazy. When God told Abraham and Sarah they would conceive, when Abraham was 100 and Sarah was 90, they both thought God was crazy. But it happened. The brokenness of humans, and their routinely flawed habits created a perversion of us dismissing supernatural, as “spiritually weird,” or “crazy.” Because it’s not popular, or tangible as a human of flesh, we dismiss supernatural. I’ve dismissed supernatural far too many times in my life. I’m in my own supernatural wrestle with God, regarding this ribcage He keeps showing me, and telling me about. But I chose to fully trust God yesterday, as I was walking home, and my Holy Spirit was on fire, by denying my flesh, and no longer choosing to run, or feed fear. I sit in stillness to allow God to work and move. God’s timing, and God’s will.

Abraham didn’t choose what was easy, convenient, what looked good, or what was popular. Abraham choose to trust God, when no one could confirm what God told him. That’s because no one was supposed to. No one can confirm what I’ve been wrestling with either. And God made that clear to me that I wouldn’t receive that. Blind faith and pushing through this wilderness like the vessels in Exodus, was where I was at too. Fasting, praying, and mediating on my word was all I had to cling to. What if God pressed something, on so many of our hearts that no broken man that is naturally flesh, can confirm? Do we dismiss what God says, because we don’t have an audience of flesh, confirming what God said? Sadly all too many times we as your chosen, fall into this space of ignoring what God says, and believing what man in flesh says. Because it’s popular, and we are afraid to go against the grain. It’s easy to talk a walk. But actions behind words is a rarity.

Noah saved humanity, because he trusted what you spoke into him, and he also got a lot of pushback. Everyone told him he was crazy. But Noah chose to trust how you spoke to him no matter what. Moses didn’t want his calling, he ran, and ended up running right into you, to ultimately execute exactly what you told him to do God. And Moses got a lot of pushback too. A lot. Joseph was shown a vision, and it didn’t come into fruition until 13 years later. He kept believing despite all the pushback hurdles he faced. 

Joseph also saved humanity, because Joseph chose to trust what you’ve shown him no matter what. Saul became Paul, the author of most of the books of our New Testament. The same Saul that killed thousands and thousands of Christians, is the same Saul that transformed into Paul. Saul became Paul through the wrestle of Jesus’ love. Love will always win. God is love. 

Simon became Peter, through the wrestling with Jesus. We all wrestle with God, but God always wins no matter what we execute in flesh. Pushback is the pruning process to fine tune, who we are called to be as your vessels. It’s a wilderness of wonder, and it only feels wonderful, if we keep pushing through to see the other side. Being at a place where we trust God, above all of broken man that’s flesh, is a space God longs us all to be. It’s a space I finally am in, and that’s all through God’s overflowing well of grace.

Man breaks and takes. God heals, reveals and restores. We are flesh, therefore we are flawed, and will get it wrong, flesh is a loop that hurdles together in a poisoned horde troop. Like attracts like. The wrong song, is strong in a deluded troop of that broken loop of flesh. Confess so that God can profess and move on our behalf. The flesh is weak. The flesh is a constant attack of setbacks, that could very much feel like God. But it’s the wrong boom boom to stay in tuned to. We cannot move on feelings, we need stillness. satan is restless and chaotic. God isn’t.

Be still and know I am God. Psalm 46. the enemy is not still and never will be. God is. There’s no need to rush into anything. WAIT. I wait on everything. God spoke something to me, to tell a specific spiritual leader, and I sat on this prompting for two years. Then I went to that spiritual leader. But spiritual leaders are flesh too. And because of the special calling on spiritual leaders lives? There are attacks and setbacks. Spiritual leadership is its own wonder of wilderness, that is completely avoided. 

No wonder the call to ministry is avoided. But God wins and we don’t run forever, we can’t. We only experience true happiness  in the presence of God’s will in our lives. Church hurt is real, and not meant to be concealed, or swallowed in a hallow of nothingness. Be bold and brave, and stay committed to looking up. You don’t understand now, but later you will. John 13. Trust and believe saints. Thank you Holy Spirit. In Jesus name, amen. 

Consistency

I had consistency with pain for about three years now. I feel like Paulina, which is my female version of Paul the author of most of our New Testament. I’m so fired up in tired. Work is exhausting. Too many humans are being kinetic in robotics. They all started looking like those dead water bugs, in my Stillness dream I had the other day. Multiplying by following the wrong master: the world/the enemy. 

See this is why I’m wrestling with you God so hardbody; you keep wanting me around humans that want to be spiritually dead. And when I rise above in love, as the daughter to you Highest King…. Your Precious Humans give me lots of pushback, that make my flesh wants to just punch them in the face. Like I always see moments of punching, or kicking a human lately. Clearly I’m not happy, about how you’re pruning me for patience, grace, and stillness. There’s a consistency in that front with you God. Everyone around me is ‘abiding’ in flesh, with no confesses, yet there’s these worldly professes. I’m supposed to just fall in line in? I refuse. Plus you’re not telling me to God, and you’re not allowing me to give anyone other than Jojo* a piece of my mind. That’s kind of annoying. 

Lately we’ve been fighting so badly. Like yesterday was just a mess. I deeply dislike fighting with my best friend. The only beautiful woman of God, that literally turned on the light, and showed me the love of Jesus. Everyone else in my life at the time, showed me a dilution of their broken solution, to what salvation is. I knew deep down it was all nonsense, and I was tired of the Kool-Aid hype. That’s why I wanted it all to end. Where I ended up next, after Earth had to be better than the nonsense that surrounded me. That’s why dying made sense.

Then came Jojo* fierce, loyal beautiful daughter to you God, that unashamedly praises your name, and spreads the gospel. She’s so strong, and doesn’t get how strong she is. It bugs me so much that she doesn’t see it. I keep telling her she’s stronger than me. Because: She’s still a virgin for her ribcage, that I’m so over, but you’re God and not me. He doesn’t deserve the greatness she is now, nor does he deserve the butterfly, you’re pruning Jojo to be as she soars in your wings God. 

He’s a fool. That swears he’s cool and that’s the biggest joke ever. Yeah I’m sorry but not sorry about stepping out my Christ-like lane, by keeping it 1000% right now and saying he’s lame. There’s a hype on that dude that I’ll never understand. Ever. There’s a hype on that so called ribcage you say is mine too God. I didn’t get the hype when you showed me him, and I don’t get it now. He didn’t change. He stayed the same. They both did. What’s being displayed now, you already showed me regarding my ribcage October of 2013 when I meet him. I was so pissed, because I just spent two hours praying to you on what I didn’t want. And you showed me that list in him. And furthermore I’ve been fighting you about him ever since. 

Don’t you get God that son of yours wants to be spiritually dead, sniffing Kool-Aid, and loving his lies. So let him. Bye. I’ll soar in the sky in your wings. You don’t want to give me a new ribcage? Fine, that’s cool. I’ll be single. I’m good at it anyway. I refuse to let the toxicity of his choices ever enter my space, absolutely refuse to put up with the brokenness that your broken daughters put up with when it comes to him. Luke 7, was a chapter that I mediated heavy on when it comes to this son of yours. It’s so hard buying he’s coming to me. What I see gives me high anxiety and flares my panic attacks. That’s not of you God. So you just need to tell me that I’m wrong. And stop telling me to trust you, you’re working it out and to be still. I don’t want to hear that.

I don’t want to, this dude is chaotic with a broken fanbase that eats up his lies. I’m so baffled by the fact no one sees through the bull?! Why do Jojo and I see it? About this ribcage you say is mine and her ribcage to? We were both like heck no, we said yes to you to be shown that?! Like I don’t get it. Jojo doesn’t get it either. And that fanbase they both have!? From broken daughters that think worldly attractions like status and money is the way to go. My beautiful sisters it’s not. It’s the way to losing yourself and perishing. Besides tap into your lady boss, and make your own empire. Don’t wait on a dude for something you can do. Ever. Dudes that aren’t aligned to God as broken vessels, will break and take nonstop. 

That’s what I see in this ribcage of mine, and in Jojo’s: broken boys in men’s body’s wired to just take and break, and it’s being celebrated. I’m beyond too through. Thanks for finally allowing us to leave, and acquire a spiritual meal that will actually feed us. Thank you God for pruning both Jojo, and I to keep our eyes fixed on you no matter what. 

What is the purpose of the pushback, and this wait thing that I’m not happy about, and neither is Jojo. We’re so over it. The blocking of the businesses, we’re meant to create is just annoying. Jojo and I are builders. We can build empires. Yet you’re saying wait on two broken boys that don’t want to man up, and be who you’re calling them to be. Okay, bye, keep pressing play on die and lie. Jojo and I choose to press play on truth in His Proof. They are absurd and unfair. I’m over it. And so is she. 

Love is dumb. Their punk actions made love dumb for me. Completely perverted, and destroyed love for me. I’m good. Like seriously. Keep me single at this point. I’m good at it, and you won’t let me get a new ribcage. You’ve made that very clear with my Transform post. Okay. Message received. 

But what’s up with this recurring cartoon dream, I’m getting about two rats. Like I am not clear on what you’re trying to show me or tell me. Oh sidebar, I find it very annoying God, that you enter my earth dad at times I don’t want to hear him sharpen me. Like yesterday night as he came into my room, when I ignored him and proceeded to tell me it’s not Christlike to fight with your sister Jojo* nobody asked him. At all. I understand he’s right but my flesh wasn’t trying to hear him whatsoever. The attacks are so real. 

Thank God Jojo and I made a pact in the beginning of our sisterhood, to never stay mad at each other. And for the most part we don’t. I surrendered walking away from her when she makes me spaz, like yesterday. It’s wrong and a punk move, so am I really in the right to call your sons punks and messes, that need to stay far away from me and my sister? No I’m not. We’re all broken made to peace. I’m very broken. Such a hot mess that God is working on. Jojo is very broken and also a hot mess that God is working on. So our ribcages being broken messes made to peace makes complete sense. Jojo and I can’t stand how it looks. Three years is a long time so like God… What’s up!? Seriously. And the testing at work too!? These back to back pruning processes are so real. 

So this recurring rat cartoon dream happened after bible study at 3 am this morning. I was meditating on Galatians 5:22-23, because I haven’t been very good at surrendering to the Holy Spirit of truth. I’ve just been reacting in flesh lately, cultivating barren fruits. I’m tired of rising above, it feels like it’s in total vain. It feels like all this pain has no gain, everywhere I turn people are in flesh. 

People are being celebrated for doing the wrong thing. People are turning a blind eye, and staying silent about the wrong couples walking into a marriage that only God ordains. Broken humans playing God is not God’s Will. There’s too many broken humans in spiritual leadership positions, that are guiding your confused children in the wrong marriage God. Why is that happening!? It’s not fair. At all. 

I’m tired of seeing this blatant disrespect in the sanctity of marriage. It’s tainting me. It’s making me not believe in love anymore. In fact I no longer believe in three strands life for myself. This wrong couples theme that blatantly gets married, boldly and coldly, and get publicly celebrated? I’m too through. Love ain’t for me. It’s okay. You’re still awesome God. I still say yes to you. And I still trust you. Just stop telling me about that guy. And you and I are totally straight. 

So I’m asking you why I’m having this recurring cartoon rat dream, and you’re saying it’s because I’ve animated all the hurts and issues I’m going through. Okay. Well just get rid of my problems God. Telling me about a broken guy that fights to stay in his flesh and gets supported in that fight is a problem. Allowing annoying people at work to put me on this high standard when there are other humans who’ve been teaching, a heck of a lot longer than me is a problem. 

I’m a hot mess and flawed, why am I being set apart!? For what, it’s just adding stress to my issues I already have. I’m not interested. At all. Why can’t you just do what I want God?! All this slow build up attention happening is whack. The enemy entering that cartoon dream last night, was a joke. I see satan as a joke that can’t touch me. 

But he’s touching me through this ribcage you keep saying is my mine God. he’s attacking me through Jojo, my brother, my father, my mother and a lot of other people I love. That really pisses me off God. All I can do is pray and be still, as I watch all these heartbreaking train wrecks that I cannot physically help. You won’t let me God. That hurts and bugs me so much. This is very hard. But all I can do is keep praying, and asking you to show me how to be better in love, grace, patience and stillness. 

Thank you God for being the best soundboard I can ever ask for. You always point me in the right direction God. And thank you for my bestie Jojo, Ana* my weekend prayer warrior I love to pieces. It sucks she no longer lives in New York. Last but not least my B* she’s the bomb.com, I’m so glad we’re getting closer and closer. 

You really blessed me with an amazing circle, of real sisters and not fake kool-aid drinkers. I’m so grateful for Benjamin* too. Like other then what you keep telling me about this ribcage guy. I don’t have much complaints. The work stuff I can suck it up, and just do what I’m told. This ribcage guy makes no sense. It’s mutual by his actions he doesn’t want the burning bush of rapture with me. Fine, then don’t come. Free will is not forced. At all. I’m at peace with his decision. What I’m still perplexed about is still receiving information about him. But at this point all I can do, is just be still and wait to see what you’ll do God. I love you my Constant One. Thank you for all our fallen heroes who are gone but not forgotten because of 9/11. Thank you for making us more sensitive after the painful senseless deaths of 9/11. Thank you for stretching my faith to climb to the hope that unity will be a human truth one day. Thank you for your consistency in everything love in my life God. Love your daughter Crysta.

*names changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy 

Dreams

So, I was behind in my bible challenge with my sisters, and it bothered me so much. But awesome God!!!! He woke me up at 2:30ish and I read chapter 3 of Thessalonians. Man did it resonate so much with me. I am so concerned about this pain not having a purpose but man! Does it!!!! After praying and reading the word, God told me to hold on. Little did I know it was a reminder of what came later. So I was like duh God I am, you know me being the sassy sass that I can be. Anyway. So I completed one of my leadership devos, it had me meditate on 1 Samuel 15. That chapter spoke so much to me, don’t even remember it all. But I bible journaled on it and posted it on my Instagram page. Not cowering to fear has been one of my biggest wrestles with God. 

Anyway, that’s not the greatest revelation. I fell asleep reading 1 Samuel 15. And Satan entered my dream, but I’ll tell you why it was a blessing. I wasn’t scared. God was with me. So the dream was really weird, lol. Like man I don’t even know if I can do justice to it by attempting to describe it, but I will try. So it was a bunch of men, some clear and some foggy. But that wasn’t even the weirdest part. It was a big space. Like massive, with a lot of “cubicle” looking spaces, but they were divided by at least three inches in width, grey plastic. And it felt like an ugly colorless Lego world for adults. It was so bizarre because I’m all about color. That was the first sign to me. Anyway, Jojo* was there and talking a lot, but I just felt the word rambling being pressed on my heart repetitively. And I was immediately looking to get out. Sign number 2. Because God is not a God of confusion. That’s in 1 Corinthians 14. I didn’t feel confused but where Jojo* and I were, was set up in confusion so that’s what told me this wasn’t of God. And that’s what made me see Satan entered my realm of dreams where God should only dwell. And I wasn’t scared but I didn’t realize I wasn’t fearful until after I woke up. 

Back to the dream. So then I saw really small red exit signs, like they were so small, I barely noticed them. And I’m blind as a bat. The red exit sign was the only color. The library had color too but I’ll explain that in a few. The red exit sign was a size that a human can’t fit through, so I was like that’s not going to work. Then to my left I saw a library and I got excited!! Because I said oh yay the bible could be there. So I went through a metal turnstile and as soon as I entered I immediately left. It was pressed on my heart that it was a trap. Then I realized that I’m taking longer than usual to wake up. 

Usually when Satan attempts I call on Jesus and I wake up. But I got distracted when I left the library, and saw Jojo* collapse on the floor. Like just laying there alive but lifeless. (Like someone that’s spiritually dead) not saying Jojo* was spiritually dead but that’s the best imagery I can muster up to paint the closest picture. 

Anyway, then I collapsed too, and I was like what the heck is this? But that’s not what took my attention the most… The lustful spirit that consumed me suddenly, took my attention. And I was like oh flip, this hasn’t happened since I was of the world. So I called on Jesus, and the dream switched to my bed, but I knew I wasn’t fully up still. I kept repeating Jesus is Lord. Over and over and over and over. And the stronghold that Satan was trying with became weaker. Then I heard myself singing Holy Spirit, which I will have on repeat today, all day. Amen. 

But the greatest revelation through this dream was the fact that God sees every corner of my heart, with all the hidden secrets, that I tried to even hide from myself. God is showing me that I’m no longer afraid, even though my habits and patterns still speak of that truth. My core, that He’s been strengthening, is rock solid. And I’m ready. For whatever that will lead, I don’t agree with God but it’s His will not mine. 

As I’ve formulated these words, I realize that God wants me to share this in my blog. I really don’t want to do that, because I don’t talk about my dreams. Not with many people anyway, but that’s leaning on my understanding not God’s. When I picked up the cross two years ago, I laid down my life at the same time. Therefore it’s His voice over mine. What I will say saints, stay encouraged as hard as that seems. And as crippling as that feels, it does get better. Be bold, and be brave, because you have the Creator of everything guiding you. You’ll only trust this truth completely when you submit to Him. Give Him everything and watch Him blow your mind. Everything has a purpose, including dreams. Blessings my fellow chosen. 

*name changed for privacy purposes. #TeamProPrivacy